How can we miss him if he won’t go away?

With a second child due the day the tour is set to begin, Schmalz did the only thing any reasonable cyclist could: he booked a flight on Tivo Air and mentally checked out to France to follow the tour. So, may we present the web’s least timely tour coverage, the Tour day Schmalz. Join us daily and watch along with Schmalz as he types his observations with bloodshot eyes and one arm zip tied to the changing table. Oh, and please, please, please heckle him.

Just what everyone wants – superfluous commentary on an event that is covered to death by a middle category bike racer watching TV! At least I’m not John Tesh.

Handicapped

Podium

Armstrong

He wants to win in front of his kids now that they are potty trained and can grasp the concept of coming in first. He’s busy right now putting his muesli on the old scale and brushing off the extra raisins. He knows how to prepare for the Tour and won’t come unready.

Basso

He didn’t have to kill himself at the Giro due to a case of the trots, so he will be fresher than if he had to race the whole thing. He’s at a prime age right now. Stay away from the fish at the hotel, how come these guys always eat the fish?

Vinokourov

He’s an audacious attacker, and after the first day’s time trial, we’ll see if he’s putting his case forward to lead T-Mobile. I think in the mountains he will attack and he will have “problems” with his race radio and he won’t be able to hear his team director. His head is aerodynamically advantageous.

Gee, I wonder why Schmalz is obsessed with Vino’s extra large frontal lobe?

Top Tens

Leipheimer

He always seems to have a bad day that takes him out of contention or takes him to the hospital.

Landis

He’s already predicted that Lance will win, does that sound like an aggressive mind-set to you? Floyd never expected to be a team leader at Phonak, it’ll take a year for him become self-obsessed and vain enough to feel he has to lead.

Ullrich

He’ll just grind his way into the top ten like he always does. Plus the karma of Zabel not going to the Tour will come back to haunt him.

Michael Rogers

He’s probably knackered from his early season, but he always puts in a good effort, and he doesn’t have to work for Tricky Dick Virenque in the hills this year.

Alejandro Valverde

I’m putting him here just to try and sound smart; no one knows what he’s capable of.

Roberto Heras

Just because he’ll have Maolo Saiz jabbering in his ear all race, he’ll attack to shut him up.

Sylvain Chavanel

Just because he’s French and I think Garzelli will be tired. And nobody cares about tenth place except tenth place himself, or the French.

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