Never one to mix it up in local sprints, Schmalz gets ambitious at the tour.

Stage 5

July 6, 2005 Due date plus 4 – if this were our first baby, we might be panicking a little, but baby #1 was 12 days overdue, so we’re sitting tight.

Can’t wait to see the continuation of Australian rules sprinting. Argy-bargy, indeed. Will Stuey have his revenge? Will Cookie finally get to the front? Will McEwen throw down a BMX-style table top at the line and take them all out?

Lance will not start in yellow because Briske crashed. But during the race he has to put on the jersey because the French would love an excuse to throw him out of the race, and he has all those neat yellow accessories to wear.

Flecha is off the front with 3 chasers behind, and the break is at 4 or so minutes.

Chasing Flecha is Bodrogi, Carlstrom and Commesso, my favorite stocky Italian racer.

The race has settled into a rhythm, time for filler!

I think there’s no way the sprinter’s teams let this break stay.

The four breakaway fellows are together, because Flecha listened to the little voice in his ear and fell back to the others.

In the feed zone Commesso gets an entire ham.

You may not know this – but there’s this show named “Survivor”, and it’s going to be on OLN.

There’s a crash near the feed zone, and it looks like everyone in CSC is involved. Never get between Dumoulin and his sandwich.

Flecha tries to cat and mouse Commesso out of the break, nobody loves a free ride more then Commesso, he’ll do a track stand in the middle of the road before he pulls through. Bravo, Salvatore!

It’s raining at the finish! If it keeps up, the Aussies will be spread over the road like Vegamite!

Frankie A. just took us on a tour of the factory where they make Commesso’s sandwiches. (If you think I’m going to give up on the “Commesso is chubby” thing– you’re dead wrong! He may never see the front of the race again. I have to do it while I can.)

1:15 with 48k to go and the break is still together, if Commesso wins it, I expect Flecha to punch him in the back of the head.

I can now recite almost 75% of the commercials on OLN’s coverage.

‘Back of the pack for you, rookie!’

Ahh, the team car water-bottle-Madison-throw is in full effect. Where would Cipo have been without it?

If Lance keeps the jersey to Paris, it would be an all-American Tour. If that were the case, I expect some regions of France to burst into flames. Well, at least we don’t care about football (soccer).

30k-ish to go and they are being reeled in slowly, Commesso steals a baguette from a spectator.

The finish looks to be both argy and bargy.

90 degree turn at 500m before the finish, I wonder which Spanish sprinter will bite it?

The break is just dangling at the front now, and I will be forced to stop cracking on Commesso.

The break is caught. No one shakes Commesso’s hand; Commesso goes to the Lampre team car for Nutella.

Last 6 k and everyone is trying to get away from Dumoulin.

4 k to go – first crash, a Cofidis rider forgets how to turn right.

That thins the herd enough so the last turn isn’t very dangerous.

Eisel’s FDJ leadout (is that Cooke?) looks good until his guy pulls off to the wrong side, forcing Eisel to lay off the pedals. Game over for Eisel, a little “I’m sorry backrub” at 50kph, should be good times at the dinner table tonight.

McEwen wins over Boonen and pumps his fingers at his chest, stay classy Robbie!

Thor is third. THOR WILL SMASH!

The inevitable Lance interview. Let me do it for him, “Man, that was crazy at the end. We are lucky to get through without a crash.”

Here’s the Lance to Schmalz translation: “These ass clowns will never learn! If you haven’t won a field sprint by now, chances are you aren’t going to start on a Tour stage, dumbass! Who do I have to kill to get a recovery beer here?”