It seems we have our first real controversy of this year’s Tour, let’s go ahead and call it "The Split", so it can now enter the cycling pantheon of events with two word descriptions like "The Look" and "The Ponytail" and "The Gunshow". I found myself in the position the other day of having to explain to someone why I type SMASH every time I type Thor’s SMASH name, and the explanation sounded so childish after I wrote it out that I was almost embarrassed, and then I remembered that I am the current New York Ladies’ Sprint Champion, and that feeling went away.

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But back to The Split™ (let’s add a ™ to that, makes it feel more Lance-ish), we have many differing accounts about what happened. Cavendish didn’t think it was planned, but Rogers said that they decided to gun it in the crosswind as the other teams weren’t helping with the chase. In that circumstance, I’m going to go ahead and believe Rogers, as he was at the front of the race doing the work. I guess it also depends on what your definition of "planned" is. No one ever "plans" to get over-served and empty out their stomach into a potted plant, but if you start to feel queazy, you can "plan" to find the nearest container to fill with your innards. Plus, it was only a Holiday Inn lobby, so I’m still fine with that decision.

So Columbia got miffed that no one was helping with the chase (and why would they? Columbia is by far the best lead-out team in the race, why would it make any sense to help them out? So they can be fresher for the finish? So Cav can win by 10 bike lengths? Sill, silly, Columbia!), and they went to the front in the headwind to punish the other teams. I’m going to go ahead and assume here that they are mad at Garmin because that makes for better drama for today’s BIGGEST TTT EVER, but Lampre and Cervelo probably could’ve helped also, so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

So Columbia gunned it, and everyone who knew their head from a tailwind was at the front and ready for an echelon. This move didn’t include Alberto Contador, but in his defense, there isn’t any wind in Spain – Franco outlawed it. Christophe Le Mevel from FDJ said that the split happened in front of Alberto, so maybe he couldn’t close the gap – or maybe he was relying on his teammates up the road to sit on and cover the move, because that’s what a team leader would do.

The Split™ did include Lance, teammate Popo and Lance’s newest best bud, Spanish teammate Haimar Zubeldia. At first they sat in like good boys covering the move for the team leader, but as the finish line came closer, Lance had a Hinault moment and they started rotating at the front, which would not be good for Alberto. According to L’Equipe, Zubeldia said Bruyneel gave the order to work, Contador claims he never heard that in his earphone. This can mean only one thing – Lance can do a dead on imitation of the the Hog! Not only is this useful when conveying artificial team orders, he can also use his fake Bruyneel voice to order 4,000 condoms and have them delivered to Johan’s hotel room. Hijinks!

We also have the rumor that Hincapie told former Boss Armstrong that they were going to gun it, and he probably did this out of habit from years of shuffling Lance around – after the stage he also reflexively washed out Lance’s shorts.

The big question for today’s stage is: did Columbia’s 32 k fit of pique put them in the hole for today’s BIGGEST TTT EVER? I thought I saw Grabsch grabbing at his chest near the end of the stage.

We also have a TdS programming note. Due to an imminent birth in the family and my daughter’s birthday, I will be needed in Washington, DC this weekend. Which means I can’t do any recaps for Friday, Saturday or Sunday. I was hoping that the stalwart commentators of the internet could fill in for me, and play "virtual schmalz" from the comfort of their own homes. It’s really not that hard. I would also really appreciate it if people out there could help write up definitions of all the idiotic catchphrases I’ve repeated ad nausuem for years without any thought of explaining them to new users. It’s almost as if I’ve developed my own really remedial language based on European hairstyles and fashion faux paus.

Let’s get to the live coverage shall we? They have the recap of the beginning of the split, I enjoy how Fabian jumped the curb to get to the move, Contador on the other hand, neglected to jump anything except perhaps a shark or some other fishes in a tank.

I’m spacing off the pre-show, I’m assuming they will say that the TTT is a beautiful and painful discipline.

Lance will have to take back 40 seconds on Saxo to get yellow today, and Alberto will have to gap Lance by 19 seconds to get yellow, so it might come down to a sprint today.

The start times are up and things aren’t going to get interesting until 10:20.

Caisse d’Epargne have left the starting booth. But they have forgotten Contador!

Menchov crashes! This would be big news if anyone cared about Menchov.

And then Ballan crashes in the same corner. Sabotage!

Napolitano is immediately dropped by Katusha. Thanks for coming Danilo, see you next year!

They just showed the Lance Nike spot again, where he says who he’s coming back for – you know who he never mentions coming back for? Cycling fans, as we are all kinda tired of his Livestrong show.

They’re talking to Levi, he doesn’t get interviewed by Lance’s personal media contact, Frankie Andreu. They ask him about The Split™, but I don’t think Johan even gives him a race radio.

Here’s the first male enhancement ad of that Tour, Maxoderm, what took you so long?

Here’s a Lance interview. Lance talks to Eurosport – did they ever testify against him?

Lance downplays the drama, and say they will wait until the mountains to decide the team leader, and he ahem, cleared his throat before he said that – just sayin’. No phallometer points lost there, he’s holding at 97

We have 3 Bbox guys crashing. Frenchmen in the ditch! They refuse to come out until someone gives them a white flag to wave. Ah, French surrender jokes, will I ever tire of them?

Cadel about to start with his team, the question isn’t whether they will be disappointing, but how disappointing they will be. I predict slightly less disappointing than Geraldo opening Al Capone’s vault.

Now if I were running VS, besides having a recap of regrettable haircuts ever day, I would have constant tech pieces on each teams TT bikes today. I would also have an aero geek in the booth with a telestrator critiquing each rider’s position. Wouldn’t that be fun? Can I just start running that network please?

A Silence guys does a ’99 VDV and falls on the straightaway. In his defense, Scheirlinckx’s backside is mesmerizing. I do like how his teammate deftly rode between his sprawling body and his sliding bike – that’s a pro my friends.

Here’s Frankie and Fabian interview about his bike, is Lance going to boil a rabbit and send it to Fabian?

Hog interview, he says he’s fine with the way yesterday turned out, and he will let the road decide who’s the team leader. He’s also looking nervously over the interviewer’s shoulder to make sure Contador can’t find him, as he’s got Alberto’s skinsuit shoved into his pants.

It’s almost time for the fast team to start the TTT, will today come down to how many Frenchmen hit the dirt?

Here’s a spot where everyone pretends that there’s a rivalry between Columbia and Garmin. A rivalry that is slightly less badass than the one between the Jets and Sharks.

Alberto warming up – listening to the Hog’s book on tape, so he can tell the real Hog from Lance’s imitation.

Milram is dropping riders like a cow drops used grass.

Garmin lining up for the start now, it’s game on now! You know, a game contested in tights.

Silence is finishing, Cadel opens a gap on the rest of the team at the finish, neglecting to remember that it’s the time of the fifth rider that counts – not that it matters here. They lose 1:12 to Katusah, and in the process manage to also crush Cadel’s dreams.

Frankie interviews Fabian, I can’t get enough of his accent. "I am to be riding in the very fast way, and hope to one day take up the devil sticks on a vacation to Burning Man."

Saxo starts the TT and so begins their schlep of the Schlecks.

Columbia sets off on the TTT, that mean just Astana is left. We will have to watch closely to see when Lance attacks Contador.

Tyler Farrar is dropped after the first check point, Garmin in second place at the check, Pate is getting dropped. Now Dean is dropped, Garmin losing riders like Amy Winehouse loses teeth.

Garmin down to 5, not a good sign. They dropped a lot of guys at the Giro also, and they lost that stage to Columbia. Let’s hope their bikes hold out.

Team Livestrong starts the race, Lance radios Alberto and tells him to really gun it into the Australian Turn. Why is Phil calling the dangerous turn the "Australian Turn"? Menchov and Ballan crashed there.

Now it’s just a matter of Alberto controlling Lance’s attacks.

Garmin posts best time at second check with only 5 guys! Cadel Evans just started a wicked slap fight with his teammates.

The Saxo guys almost hit the French ditch – should that be called the Bbox corner? Doesn’t that sound like an ill-advised Saturday morning cartoon starring Gary Coleman as a rapping hall monitor?

Astana has best time in the first time check by 7 seconds.

Garmin has best time at the 3rd time check!! Go you blue gloved bitches!!!

Columbia fifth best at the 2nd time check. Guess they did a their TTT-ing at the end of yesterday’s stage.

Saxo’s guys are weaving like it closing time in Cancun.

Show Garmin!! They can win this stage with 5 guys!

2 k to go for Garmin! Wash the dishes! Wash the dishes!

At the second check, Astana ahead of Garmin by 23 seconds and 3 guys – dammit!

Garmin finishes at 46:47, good enough for best time for now.

Saxo coming into the finish, Fabian has to tow the Schlecks to the finish. They finish second.

Cadel’s team still finishing.

Armstrong could end up in yellow today – a win for awareness! Can a brother get a flat here?

I am sending mental tacks at the TV screen right now.

They show Columbia, who are now owned by Garmin. Note to Bert Grabsch, toss a little black into the skinsuit mix.

Astana at third check point, 17 ahead of Garmin, they are losing time!

Astana on the pace for Armstrong yellow and Contador humiliation.

Columbia 4th – granted that’s pretty good for their second TTT in a row.

Here’s come Astana. 4 k to go. They pop Popo.

Now, if they have 6 guys, can’t Lance attack Berto and gain time? Just sayin’. Lance does a Hog voice and tells Berto that they just crossed the finish line.

Did Paul just say something about Astana deep throating Cancellara? I’m not making that up.

Ugh, Astana wins the stage by 18 seconds.

It’s going to be close for the yellow jersey, the UCI is waiting for a wire transfer from Astana before they announce the winner.

The postmaster in Kazakhstan is alseep, there’s no money orders!

Cancellara holds on to yellow!

Silence just finishing the stage.