Tour day Schmalz Stage 1

Tour day schmalz stage 1

Tour preview is here.

After a Fourth of July filled with a parade, a block party, fireworks and about 5 different bouts of tipsiness, I can finally watch stage one of the Tour via my Tivo. A device so delightful, I’ve included it in my will. My daughters are at peace with that decision.

“It’s 5,000 miles from Plano, Texas to Paris, France…” Are you kidding me? That’s the first words of the coverage of the Tour from VS? That’s how this Tour is going to go? It looks like we’re about to get treated to all the vintage Lance footage from the VS vault, supplemented by the footage from this year of Lance asking Alberto if he wants his water bottle topped off.

“To who’s call will Levi Leipheimer respond?” Hmmm, maybe he’ll help the guy he stood next to in the video shoot? You can fold your arms all you want, guys, you still look about as badass as toddlers dressing up as Harley Bikers at a Glamour Shots.

I like how they V/O VDV as an “unlikely man”; eat me, VS.

OK, the intro with the big voiced guy is over, so let’s get to even more Lance!

This year I’ve decided to play a game. It’s called “Is Lance a dick?” The rules are simple, as the Tour goes on, I add or subtract numbers based on Lance’s words and deeds. He starts out with 100 points, as he’s had cancer and has a foundation. Let’s start the game with this first interview shall we?

Eh, nothing dicky there, he says he’s here to win, but I’m taking off a point because he’s been photographed shirtless with Matthew McConaughey. Sharing nude man-nipple time with “The Mac” is unforgiveable. Here’s the rule about shirtlessness: you can only be nude from the waist up when you are barefoot – if you are wearing shoes and not actively exercising, you need to have your shirt on around dudes. It’s common knowledge. He’s at 99 now.

The commentators are going over the favorites here, no surprises. I do love how Vino has popped up from his Kazakh burrow (which I imagine smells like vodka and broken dreams) and threatened to fire the Hog. Was he at home taking Stalin lessons? Needless to say, the drama of the situation brings me great joy.

OK, time to fast forward the commentators, here’s a Lance interview, let’s play the Richard game shall we? He just talks about riding the first stage, no dickiness.

Bob Roll just said it was good to have Lance back after 3 years of myopic, egocentric zombies. Is he high? Does he live in a world that is the exact opposite of ours? Is there anyone that has ever been more myopic than Lance? And who the hell told Bob Roll the definition of myopic? Was he using the antonyms section of his thesaurus by mistake? That was so stupid that Lance loses a point for Bob Roll liking him, he’s at 98 now.

Is Lance’s entire life now set to soft-rocking, inspirational music? Does a guy with a goatee, a broken heart and an acoustic guitar follow him everywhere?

Kenny Van Hummel is the first to take off in this year’s Tour, marking the only instance we may see Kenny Van Hummel on television this Tour.

Phil and Paul are guessing that Lance decided to go so early because of weather or some sort of strategy, but I think it’s because he doesn’t want to miss the early bird shrimp cocktail specials at the Monaco Casino.

Here’s a report from Frankie Andreu on the course. He reports that the Astana bus nearly backed over him this morning.

Dear God!! Frankie is interviewing Lance!! Lance is talking into a mic that doesn’t seem to be plugged in, so the anti- Andreu cone of disinformation is still working. We see Lance on his trainer, straining to make faces that disguise his dislike for Frankie.

Lance is lining up for his TT, imaging the world is holding its breath, while the world is actually trying to figure out who Michael Jackson willed the bones of the Elephant Man to. (The answer is “not Webster”).

OK, it’s 10:17 am Eastern time and the enchanted lap is about to begin.

So I wonder who’s going to win today? Fabian’s probably out as there’s some hilliness involved, so that would mean maybe Cadel, Levi, Contador, Lance and maybe even Andy Schleck, if he can finish his ride before curfew.

Ugh, we’re in for 20 minutes of announcer Lance man-love. Only 16 minutes left. Is that longer than the era of Lance press transparency?

I can’t figure which development is stranger, Vino resurfacing to threaten Lance and the Hog, or Frankie getting to talk to Lance. Here’s the interview again – now with audio! Did anyone think that Frankie would be talking to Lance in this Tour? I mean other to say, you’ve parked your car on my foot?

Lance is first at the first time check, kicking cancer in the shin.

Lance just went over a bump! Breaking news! I cannot take another three weeks of this.

20:12 is the time, angels weep; I get to fast forward through about 100 domestiques now.

Levi’s on the course now. Shockingly, we miss the first 6 minutes of his stage.

Millar’s lining up, wearing his armless, dishwashing-glove skinsuit, getting ready to wash the crockery.

Levi beats Lance by 3 seconds – is he trying to impress Contador?

You can have Nike write your message on the roads of France? Does Phil McKrackin know about this?

Levi interview – and he says that he, for one, would like to welcome his new Kazakh overlords.

Millar locks it up on a descent, drops a teacup.

Should Bert Grabsch wear an all-white skinsuit? Just sayin’. Nice effort Bert, did your alarm clock go off yet?

Millar ends up fifth, which he will soon be able to trade in for a 15th.

Here’s an Astana profile – Kloden speaks English! And he sounds like Bruno! Why has no one told me this?

I’m zipping through images of Frenchmen now, here’s an interview with the random platitude generator known as George Hincapie.

Cav finishes, just looking to make the time cut.

Zabriskie out on the course, not really his type of TT. Paul just called him “Doug”. Doug finishes 6th.

Kloden crosses the line with the best time so far, proving once again that Klodie loves himself some Klodie.

Thor SMASH is on the starting gate, losing time even before he starts.

VDV is on the course – shhhhh.

Andy Schleck is out there also, did you know Andy’s waist size is “negative”?

Fabian interview, always hilarious. “I am wanting to sexy with you.”

Andy Schleck is coming in, Paul just called him “Frank”. He looks like a folded stock on his TT bike.

VDV finishes in 11th, about 35 seconds off the lead time. In the hunt, so let’s not mention anything more about that.

Pelli is on the course, Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm.

Andy Schleck looks to be really Frank-ing this TT up, he finishes 12th.

Wiggo on the course now, he could do somehting interesting as he’s lost a lot of weight, most of it through a haircut.

The TV cameras barely remember to get Menchov’s start – Menchov fever, catch it!

Fabian starts off in a puff of Drakar and pheromones.

Moreau finishes 98th, he has 88 places to make up over the next three weeks.

Contador on the course, Lance’s head is in the toilet on the Astana bus.

Cadel about to start, he has a good chance here today, which would be really great for his team. Because, you know, they’re awesome?

The cameras miss Sastre’s start, were they too busy following Menchov?

Fabian second at the timecheck, he can now get reacquainted with his pal gravity on the second half of the course.

Contador first at the timecheck, Lance prepares his Livestrong bottle brush.

Wiggo gets best time, but he will sadly end up second – as he is Bradley Wiggins.

Fabian catches Menchov – really Denis?

Fabian posts the best time, he thanks his mom and gravity.

Contador finishes second, winning the Astana JV tournament.

Cadel finishes 5th.

Everyone congratulates Fabian, the celebrations begin and everyone starts packing up, forgetting that Sastre has yet to finish.