Yesterday’s stage saw the second stage win in a row by the tearful terror Mark Cavendish—hold on there was a FIGHT on the finish line yesterday! Barredo and Costa had a dust up for reasons known only to them or to people who aren’t too lazy to google it. I went over the fight like the Zapruder film, and I award my decision to Costa. Barredo came after him swinging a front wheel like a granny swinging a purse. Costa then took the wheel away from Barredo and landed a solid punch to Barredo’s jaw, then there was a slap fight and finally Frankie Andreau grabbed Barredo after he lost his balance, putting both slappers out of their misery. This was delightful, as there is absolutely no way to fight in a masculine manner while wearing bike slippers and Lycra.

Today is not the day to win the Tour, but it certainly (with its uphill finish) a day to lose the Tour, and in year’s past you could count on Cadel Evans being misplaced on a stage like today and losing time like a pensioner losing his way in a Walmart, but the new aggressive Cadel probably won’t be caught out today. Maybe that leaves Lance to wear the pensioner’s jumpsuit?

I’m watching today’s stage via Tivo, I skip the preview stuff because I know what drafting is and tune in and see Phil and Paul in their huggy booth together, which I imagine smells like Aqua Velva and confusion.

Live Race

There’s an early break of no-hopers, but includes the polla dotted Pineau and the Tour’s smallest rider, Dumoulin, a man who has to ask Levi, "How’s the weather up there?"

I anticipate this situation not changing for about two hours, so I will use the magic of fast forward to make this race more interesting.

I see my first "Alphonse" Shack commercial, TV viewers, I feel your pain. Little did the actor who plays Alphonse realize that they were going to play those spots endlessly, creating a small but dedicated audience who will  throw garbage at every screen that displays his face again.

88k to go. A Fabian interview, his accent and diction are delightful! "I am a large man, and if I have success today, I earn many happy endings. 

81k to go. Robbie McEwen is hanging off  the doctor’s car, why don’t they just put him in the back seat, they’re not fooling anyone.

84k to go. B Box is at the front chasing, perhaps for Tommy Voeckler? It would be nice to see him grimacing his way off the front.

70k to go. I’ve switched to the VS Tour tracker (which is delightful by the way) to watch the stage as I’ve been kicked off the TV downstairs as my daughters need to spend some time with the works of Mr Disney.

46k to go. I’m skipping ahead as all that’s going on is Pineau getting points for the jersey which no one seems to suddenly care about anymore.

45k to go. They Show Thor SMASH crawling up the hill. "Gravity is to the SMASHing as wool is to the under panties."

44 k to go. Zabriskie has gone full unzip for the climb today, making himself a nifty half halter top.

43k to go. B Box still tugging at the front, it must be getting close to Voeckler time?

Ah, there goes Tommy. Shocker. Grimace time! Voeckler has some company as 3 guys join him. 

Phil mentions how no GC contenders will react to Tommy’s move as they realize that he’s Tommy Voeokler.

40k to go. Fabian dropping from the race like Wile E. Coyote off a cliff into a puff of man spray.

39k to go. And B Box is doing damage to the race, are you really having a race if B Box is doing damage?

Aaaand Voeckler’s move lasts about 4k. Time to skip ahead.

33k to go. It looks like Chavanel wants to out-French Voeckler? Would you look at that, Tommy’s still out there!

There’s Didi the Devil, proving that the mentally ill can cross international boundaries.

Let’s skip ahead some more, shall we?

25k to go. We’re on the descent, and I suppose Voeckler is still off the front, humping the leg of the French hopes.

Hondo and Pineau still hanging off the front. Hondo descends like Didi off his meds.

22k to go. Hondo wraps his man fruit over his top tube and flies down the mountain.

Chavanel is in the Voeckler group, battling Tommy for France’s heart.

18k to go. I had to skip ahead a bit, Lance has finished listening to Matlock over the earpiece and orders the Shack to get him to the finish before the Golden Girls start.

It looks like Voeckler and Chav are a minute back.

17.9k to go. Chav attacks! He asks France if her jeans are made of mirrors, because he can see himself in them.

17.3k to go. Cunego is trying to get to Chav, what a total rooster blocker!

17k to go. Chav passes what’s left of Hondo, buys France a wine cooler.

16.6 k to go. Lance tells Andy Schleck to stop blasting the Jonas Brothers.

16k to go. Pineau is still holding on off the front of the race at 3 minutes. If Chavanel gets up to him, will they both be dating France? These French dudes are kinky!

15k to go. Cunego jumps again. Asks Chavanel in front of France if his herpes has cleared up.

13.6 k to go. Chav bursts past Pineau, asks France to go to the VIP lounge.

12.8 to go. Voeckler tries to jump to Cunego, texting France a booty call.

12k to go. Linus gets caught, France not into chicks.

11k to go. Voeckler caught by the break, France texts back that she wants to be friends. A Footon guy attacks, using the fleshy camouflage of a pack of aged men in mankinis to disguise his jump.

10k to go. Astana is at the front of the race, the Radio Shack team is in Belgium.

9k to go. Alberto is sitting behind Lance, breathing liniment. Lance offer him a hard candy made of razor blades.

8.7k to go. Fab is losing the yellow jersey in a burst of spray tan and gravity.

7.7k to go. It looks like no GC guys have dropped out yet. 

6.5k to go. Chav and France are doing body shots.

5.7k to go. Valls is trying to get to Chavanel, France looks at his flesh colored body suit and giggles with her friends.

4.2k to go. Ryder sitting at the front of the pack, Lance following with his left blinker still on.

3.5k to go. Chav just made out with France in the ladies bathroom.

2.7k to go. And we have a classic Euro Speedo sighting!

1k to go. Chav and France grinding to the "Humpty Dance" (France loves the Digital Underground) on the dance floor; France says she needs a ride home.

Chavanel wins it and gets yellow, guess who’s getting a soft cheese omelette tomorrow morning?

Voeckler drunk dials Belgium.