Yesterday’s stage saw Heinrich Haussler solo his way to victory while the rest of the race bided their time and tried to not end up in any ditches on a wet, hilly stage. The news story of the day had to be that Oscar Freire and Julian Dean were both shot with an air pistol. Dean got hit in the finger, with Freire getting injured more seriously. Here’s the recap from cyclingnews:

Oscar Freire (Rabobank) has spoken about the incident that saw him shot at during the Tour de France’s stage 13. The Spaniard was descending the Cote du Platzerwasel in the peloton on Friday when he felt a stabbing pain in his thigh. Later during the stage Freire pulled a pellet, identified later as being fired from an air pistol, out of his leg.

Firstly, how badass is Oscar? Pulling an air gun pellet out of his leg during the stage? My respect for Oscar has grown even larger. But this incident brings up a fact about the Tour and European cycling that many Americans are not aware of. Cycling is kind of a redneck sport in Europe, it lands on the spectrum of US sporting equivalency somewhere between bowling and tractor pulling – and when the Tour hits rural areas, it’s going through places that are as dentally challenged as any remote areas in the United States. We in the US tend to think that the Tour is all champagne and ski top villages, but in reality it goes through areas that smell like manure and, were they in the US, would be infested with Meth People.

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Perhaps the best thing to come out of the shooting is that Freire and Dean can now have an answer for stories from Tour old timers about the difficulty of their races. All they have to do is preface their stories with “Yeah, that sounds like a tough stage Eddy, it almost sounds as bad as the stage I rode after GETTING SHOT.”

As of this writing, the authorities haven’t brought in any suspects, and there’s no reason to suspect foul play from any riders, as both Freire and Dean were sure to have been on the back of the pack and absolutely no where near Alberto Contador.

Stage 14

Today looks like it will turn out to be a sprint finish, with a slightly hilly course with the hills coming well before the end. The result of the stage will come down to whether Columbia feels like chasing or not.

It’s a wet day at the start of the race, and we see Jen Voigt get an abysmal wheel change, Jen look sat the Mavic station wagon, and says, “Why have you forsaken me?”

Moreau is allowed to get away from the bunch to say hello to his wife and daughter, he probably had to ask permission because normally the peloton is absolutely terrified by the sight of Moreau off the front, no, really…

102k to go, and there’s a group of 12 away with about 5 minutes. George Hincapie is there. So far during this Tour, the rumor has been that teams have been chasing any breaks with Columbia guys in them, so that Columbia will be left to chase back breaks at the end of the stages. Which may explain their sour moods during this Tour, that or they have brought along a chef for Cav who only specializes in Haggis.

George is in virtual yellow out on the road, a situation akin to be a virtual virgin.

Maaskant is also up in the break. Things seem to have settled down in the race here, so I will zip forward on the Tivo, looking for interviews, crashes or guys sprinting to the front to take a whiz, I’m looking at you, Pozzato.

Ciolek and Bennati are in this break, figuring their best chances at beating Cavendish are to start their sprints from 87k out.

Here’s a Julian Dean interview – he figured the pellet was a stone from the road. And doesn’t everyone sound more badass with a Kiwi accent?

Zipping ahead to 77k to go, the break is at 7:14. Alberto is calling for the team car, Lance tells Astana to pick up the pace. The Hog tries to nudge him into the ditch.

I skip to 64k to go, probably avoiding some awareness messages, but I am willing to tempt the cancer gods.

Here’s a Hincapie profile. Will they show his marzipan Trek bike falling apart at Roubaix? Guess not.

I skip ahead to see the profile of the finish line celebrations. They forget Toto’s famous “get in my belly” routine.

The race has settled into a storyline more predictable than an episode of “Quincey” – I don’t mean to be a spoiler here, but the M.E. is always right.

Time to fast forward to the attacks, George jumps at 35k to go a move less effective than powdered sugar toothpaste.

I fast forward to a Lance proclamation. He says the headline for the day was that they were freezing. My headline for the stage was that Haussler has a perma-twinkle in his eye. Take a look, you’ll see what I mean.

The break’s at the 20k to go kite, the attacks will have to come soon. This is going to get interesting.

And Ivanov goes at the 10k to go kite, playing the one card he has in his deck. It’s a Soviet Era deck, so all the cards are the same.

Phil calls Ivanov the sweetest carrot of the day. Even I am blushing at that one.

George could end up in yellow today.

8k to go, Ivanov has 17 seconds. Ciolek and Bennati will have to do some work.

7k to go, there’s two chasers behind Ivanov, but Serguei is holding them off.

6k to go, Timmer and Roulston are chasing Ivanov, but the Russian is holding onto 15 seconds. Russians tend to give up easily, right?

Ivanov has a piece of paper taped to his stem, reminding him to crush the bones of his enemies – and to call his mother.

The rest of the break seems to be about as organized as a quilting bee for squirrels.

5 k to go, Ivanov is holding strong, like iron buttocks.

2.2k to go, no one in the chasing break is willing or able to close the gaps for Ciolek and Bennati.

Ivanov comes to the 1k kite. It’s all over but the balcony top proclamations.

Roche jumps from the back, also telling everyone about this cool new band he’s just discovered called “Seals and Crofts”.

Ivanov raises his hands, inspects the passing missiles and wins the race.

Roche holds on for 2nd, now George goes to the crying room to see if he gets the yellow jersey – and yes, in my fantasy Tour, there’s a crying room, along with a penalty box.

We have 5:40 to kill here to see whether Garmin can keep George out of yellow?

We also have some SMASH points up for the taking.

1 k to go, it’ll be close for George to get yellow, and his team being at the front for the Cav leadout isn’t helping either.

Tony Martin tries to wait until the last moment to start the leadout.

Thor SMASH is sitting right next to Cav, casting a shadow that turns Cav’s day to night.

Cav doesn’t seem to know where the line is and hits the front looking around like a startled tufted titmouse – yes, it’s a real bird….

Thor SMASH seems to have an issue with Cav trying to sprint in slow motion.

It looks like Goerge will miss yellow by 3 seconds, but he has been made devastatingly aware of cancer.

George calls the way Astana rode “insulting”, let’s subtract 2 dick points for that one, shall we?

Lance says that Astana wanted George to have the jersey, and that Garmin must have a rivalry with George, maybe true, but still more dick points off the phallometer for that one. -2

Here’s a Thor SMASH interview. He’s still in green and Cav was relegated. He says the green jersey competition will be tough. Let’s run that through the schmalz translator: “I know not what this “relegated” is, but if it’s a sort of reptile, I know I can to strangle it.”