In honor of Bastille Day, the route makers of the Tour have managed to find a route that is both hilly enough to not be a sprint and not hilly enough to be a climbing stage, which means that today will an opportunity for riders of the Gallic variety to get away and slather themselves in the butter of glory—take notice Mssrs Voeckler and Chavanel, Lady France has dropped her handkerchief!

Yesterday’s stage turned the Tour into a two man race between Andy Schleck and Alberto Contador. Cadel Evans succumbed to his cracked elbow and lost boatloads of time, ceding the yellow jersey to Andy Schleck while Levi Leipheimer moved himself into 6th place, about 11 minutes ahead of Lance, but his effort received less television time than a Larry King pole dancing how to video.  

Thor SMASH also took off early in the stage and collected maximum SMASH points, let’s hear about his day (via cyclingnews):

"It was another hard stage. It was very hot again. I was able to take the points in the first intermediate sprint. Then I was suffering with a small stomach problem, but I feel OK now.

We always count the minutes of the first group and calculate the speed of the peloton to make sure we can make the time limit. We have experience with this and we work together to meet the time limit.

I am looking forward to some easier stages after the Alps. The mountain stages are very hard. Maybe there will be a sprint before the Pyrénées, so I hope to be there."

Let’s run that through the SMASH translator:

"After a hill SMASH that made Thor SMASH and breathe in many breaths, I came back to the race backside to do math with the Hamster Man. Thor SMASH hates the math!

Here’s a little look into the world of Andy Schleck (via cyclingnews):

"And I know that my mother is watching the race. I know that she walks into the kitchen and paces back and forth. I told Bjarne on the top to call my brother and say that I wouldn’t take any risks in the descent."

Yes, Andy took the time at the top of the hill to call his mom at home, what a good boy!

Live Stage

127k to go. Andy Schleck and Lance are chatting, Andy asks Mr Lance if he likes thinks that Miley Cyrus is totally gross also. 

120k to go. Fab shows the camera his cyclometer, it’s been altered to show his state of arousal—which is currently at "petulant".

Maxime Bouet and Pierre Rolland remember that they are French and try to get up to the quartet at the front of the race, Voeckler and Chavanel to ride the stage with "boules bleues".

103k to go, there’s an old guy trotting next to the break as they climb, and he’s not breaking a sweat. Hmmm, is that an indication of the speed today?

95.5k to go. There’s either a slight slap fight or a terrible French high five between Charteau and Pineau—delightful either way really.

89k to go, Voeckler stretches out his back, takes photo of France out of his wallet and weeps.

Paul mentions Greg Lemond, gets slight shock from his Radio Shack™ Announcer Tamer.

The break is at 9:28 and consists of Mario Aerts (Omega Pharma-Lotto), Dries Devenyns (QuickStep), Sergio Paolinho (RadioShack), Vasili Kiryienka (Caisse d’Epargne), Maxime Bouet (Ag2r) and Pierre Rolland (Bbox). That makes the break 33% French.

83.7k to go, and Paul is rocking the media guide, we now have learned the etymology of bauxite, which has nothing to do with bauxes.

82k to go, Fab (the new boss) goes to the front and tells everyone to take it easy on a tough corner, he also requests a hot stone massage from Pauriol.

68k to go, Vasili Kiryienka seems to be the only Russian left out there who knows how to rock a decent quasi-mullet, eat your heart out Karpets!

65.4k to go, the pack is riding this race at a pace that make me wonder if it’s a Make a Wish Foundation day for someone in the break.

56k to go, Phil and Paul have set their media guide streams from "castle" to "dam".

This race isn’t going to get interesting until the last climb.

48k to go, Kiryienka is riding his way into my heart with his baby mullet.

37k to go, the pack comes to a standstill on the route on a bottleneck, that actually increases the average speed of the stage. Voeckler at the back

The break’s on the climb, Bouet’s getting gapped a bit, France sends back the wine cooler he bought her.

35k to go, Bouet getting dropped for real. Rolland goes to the front and asks France is she likes techno music.

34k to go, Bouet trying to get back on, tells France that techno is dead.

29k to go, Bouet barely hanging on, Rolland asks France if she knows CPR, because she just made his heart stop.

25k to go, the break is going to start the smaller climb before the descent to the finish. Moreau jumps behind for the KOM points to either: get the polka dot jersey points that aren’t there, move up Caisse de Frosted Tips in the team competition or (as I see it) show his "suffer" face one last time before he retires.

The peloton at the summit, Andy Schleck calls him mom to tell her that he’ll ride safe and that he did eat his oatmeal this morning.

20k to go to the finish, Paolinho on the front, asks France if she’s from Tennessee, because she’s the only ten he sees…

17.7k to go, Bouet hanging off the back, but he buys a round of Jager shots and claws back onto the back of the group.

Phil quickly calls a roadside race between horses and a donkey, um, there’s some sort of metaphor in there somewhere isn’t there?

16.3k to go, Rolland goes back to his wingman in the team car and gets some advice. he goes back to the break and asks France if she’s a parking ticket, because she’s got "fine" written all over her.

15.2k to go, Devenyns attacks and yells "Fat Seal"! France says, "What?" And Devenyns tells her, "It’s an icebreaker."

14.1k togo, Kiryienka chasing with Rolland tagging along.

13.5 k to go, Paolinho attacks, enacting plan Z, passes Devenyns. Approaches France doing the cabbage path. 

13.1k to go, Kiryienka get up to Paolinho, asks France is she has any raisins, she replies, "No", he then offers her a date.

The peloton behind is in a mass group, doing the macarena together.

10.9k to go, Kiryienka and Paolinho have a 39 second gap, they should be able to hold that on the descent. Kiryienka has a track background, and he’s all business in the front also.

8.2k to go, Kiryienka and Paolinho descending and we have another mention of Beloki’s crash, no jinx there. Kiryienka says "Poof! I’m here, where are your other two wishes?"

5.5k to go, we’re coming to "Beloki’s Corner", which is also now a nice coffee shop in Madrid.

Aerts, Devenyns and Pierre Rolland are at 1 minute behind the front duo, and they start making plans to go to the diner.

There’s the Beloki corner, someone’s made a yellow brick road where Lance cut the course. That race was a little like a race through Oz wasn’t it?

2k to go, Paolinho sits on Kiryienka and buys France a rose from a street vendor. 

1k to go, Paolinho on the front, this will be good. They swap places.

Kiryienka in front, Paolinho jumps him. Kiryienka follows and comes around near the line, it’s really close. Paolinho lifts his arms. Kiryienka in advertantly passes gas, blows it with France. Paolinho wins, asks France if her shirt is felt, she replies it isn’t, and he asks her if she’d like it to be.

It’s all over but the SMASHing now.

Paolinho finishes, has already made his reservations at Denny’s.

Phil mentions that Thor SMASH and Petacchi might cross swords. That grosses France out.

Lance passes the Beloki corner, in a fit of nostalgia he tosses Kloden down the hill.

Roche is finishing, gaining some time on the pack, those dirt brown shorts providing camouflage for his escape. He jumps ahead of Rogers and Wiggo.

Here comes the sprint, Thor SMASH unable to SMASH Cav and Petacchi.