Note: this review was written independently of Mr. Jammet’s treatise of his taint. The VCN headquarters is a very large building recently leased from the Bandits team, and Mr. Jammet and I work on separate floors. We even play on different teams in our inter-company softball league. So we couldn’t have know we were both writing chamois cream reviews.

Occasionally I like to mix things up and throw myself a curve ball to keep my writing chops sharp. This is a review about body products from Chomper Body, namely chamois cream, recovery products, soap and other body goodies. Chomper Body is a company comprised of cyclists Tracy Wargo and her husband Aleksander Betko. In true bike racer DIY fashion, they decided to formulate their own chamois cream and other body products. They developed the recipes for their products themselves and they produce these products themselves also.

But in order to make this review a challenge; I will forego one of the most useful arrows in this snarky cycling writer’s quiver (did you know that all bike product reviewers were required to always use the word "quiver?"). In this review, I will not use the word "taint." For those of you unfamiliar with the etymology of that word (and firstly, nice to meet you – as it’s obvious we have never met) – it is as follows: it’s the area betwixt your gender parts and your used-food release-valve. It’s an area that isn’t one or the other of these two places, hence "taint" – as it "taint" one or the other. This review will from now on be "t-word" free. I will have to resort to other ways of describing this physiological no-man’s land. The t-word describes a place that is a special area of concern for cyclists, as we regularly shove objects (saddles, tight fitting chamois, guard rails) up there that have no place being there. So enjoy the review, and play along at home with the t-word name game – all new terms will be set in quotes.

We cyclists engage in unnatural activities. It’s unnatural to sit on a bicycle seat and generate friction by pumping your legs up and down – it just is. The human body isn’t made to have all that heat generated on your "upside-down gonad flesh hammock" (how about that one?). This friction and the accompanying heat when coupled with the moisture from the sweat that collects makes an environment prone to all manners of skin troubles and that "fur bridge" petri dish that could possibly create new fungal life forms – I’m imagining some sort of new salty, scented mushroom here.

This is why cyclists use chamois cream. To combat the accidental production of spontaneous fungus – and to have a nice smelling "dingleberry wonderland." This is where Chomper Body’s Ballocks Butter comes in. Chomper’s chamois cream is special in that it doesn’t contain any water – so it will last longer. And they’ve included a lot of natural ingredients that will not only keep your "beef underpass" free of shiitake-type invasions but also make your "stank seat polisher" seem more like a well kept flower garden. One of the most prominent ingredients is emu oil, to soothe muscle and joint aches and pains. And that’s oil from emus – the birds. Not a plant named after the birds, they refine the fat from the actual birds, which makes it a form of – you guessed it – schmalz! I have been rubbing emu schmalz on myself. No wonder I enjoy it!

To put it bluntly (I may be too late there), the Ballocks Butter smells good, it has a fresh, herb-y  scent to it, that people will find very refreshing – when it’s not applied specifically to my "hair tunnel." And it does a great job of keeping my "sassy chassis" clear from growths and eruptions of an unpleasant or pustular nature. Always a positive feature. What more could you ask for? Nothing, I say. I would push my luck and also wonder whether the cream could be used as a nice marinade, but that’s my personal cross to bear.

I also tested Chomper Body’s Body Butter. After races, I usually have a pain in my butt (literally) at the moderately revolting point where my right cheek meets my hamstring. My guess it that it has something to do with the fact that I drive shortly after races and the motion of pushing the pedals of my car after intense physical activity has given me "driver’s ass", or I may just have a broke ass – either way. But no matter the cause of my behind troubles, the Body Butter made the pains leave my rear end, and to top it off, it smells good. In fact, it passes the toughest of tests – my wife’s smell test.

My wife can detect scents that will waft right past me and wander off up into the atmosphere. Her sense of smell stands somewhere between bloodhound and ferret, and she can, unlike dogs or vermin, place a value judgement on these scents; meaning she can declare them "good" or "bad" or "do that again and we’re drawing up divorce papers." Usually she enters the bike cave in our house reluctantly and only when necessary. She ventured upon the cave one time after I had applied the Muscle Butter and she quizzically asked, "What are you doing in there? It smells…good." I’ve had many reactions from my wife when she’s poked her head into the bike cave but that was the first one that mentioned a smell being pleasant – asphyxiating or nauseating I’ve heard plenty of times, but pleasant, never.

Where does this leave us?

Anytime you can buy pleasant smelling, effective products to keep your "flying ham V" free of invasion from bacteria, you should strongly consider Ballocks Butter, the fruit of the emu schmalz. And if you have developed any sorts of muscle problems that you need relief for, while also making yourself smell delicious, I would strongly recommend Chomper Body’s Muscle Butter also. The Ballocks Butter and Booty Balm (the lady version) sell for $15.00 for a 4 ounce container, the Muscle Butter 4 ounce container is $9.00, available soon at Sid’s downtown, or visit the Chomper Body web site and get it directly.