“I’m not locked in here with you, you’re locked in here with me.”

Rorschach

Hello Reader, let me re-introduce myself. My name is Dan Schmalz and for a long time I wrote about bikes for this site (nyvelocity is still here, but it’s the internet equivalent of an abandoned car that’s up on blocks in a hillbilly’s front yard—it might still run, but no one cares enough to find out). During my tenure as an internet bike typist, I interviewed many bike racers, and in doing so I discovered a very compelling fact—that most bike racers are dead boring. Now I don’t blame them—they are as interesting as any other group of singularly focused individuals—people who are committed to a goal usually don’t have much else to talk about because of that whole “singular laser focus” thing. I don’t expect my career-obsessed friends to be interesting, so it’s unfair to think bike racers would be any different. I guess my point is—don’t expect bike racers to be interesting just because they do interesting things.

Ok, we’ve got off track here. Let’s just agree that bike racers are almost all boring people, and we can move on to the main topic at hand—boredom. Specifically, the boredom that the entire world is feeling at this exact moment. Now, I’m not going to offer any tips to keep your kids occupied or ways to stay safe during the pandemic—that’s what the barrage of emails from every single goddam company you’ve ever ordered anything from ever on the internet is for (why yes, WolfShirtsForLess.com I would love to know how you’re addressing the Covid-19 crisis). I am here to help you stay on your bike. (This post is for bike people, I have not run on purpose for over 20 years, you runners are on your own here.) And why do I think I can help you? I’m glad you asked, voice in my head. I feel qualified to comment on this subject because I have worked from home for over two decades now. That’s right, I am a WFH OG.

And the secret to becoming a WFH OG? Structure. A rigid, prison-like structure. Get up at the same time every day. Put on clothes and work at regular hours. It’s not that hard in concept really, but it is devilishly difficult to accomplish. Since you are at home, you will feel compelled to do laundry, clean dishes or have meaningful conversations with the people that are important to you, but you MUST RESIST THESE TEMPTATIONS. Save all that activity for after 6pm, when you’re tired. Structure is how you make the day pass, and another key to becoming a WFH OG is to make time to exercise, specifically exercising by riding a bike. (Again, I know nothing about other forms of exercise, I guess this would work for Cross Fit? I guess I’ll find out when people I know who do Cross Fit tell me about it, because that’s what Cross Fit people do. They. Talk. About. Cross. Fit.)

Normally, I would recommend squeezing yourself into your finest Lycra sausage-casing and displaying your onions to the world at large, but we have been instructed to shelter at home, so it would be most prudent to ride solo (we are still allowed to do this in NJ) or more preferably, ride indoors. And I’ve found the best way to make indoor riding less madness-inducing, is to ride in the virtual bike nerd play-land called Zwift. If you’ve never heard of Zwift, congratulations on finally coming out of your coma. You see, Zwift is a virtual realty bike trainer world, and it’s really having a moment right now—it’s like the Tiger King of bikes. To use Zwift, you get on your trainer, run Zwift via a laptop or via the Zwift app, bluetooth magic happens and you can ride with other people in imaginary places. If your trainer is a “smart” one, the resistance varies according to the imaginary terrain and it feels like you’re climbing a hill. And I really cannot believe I need to explain this to anyone, Zwift has been around for quite a while now and there’s dozens of posts by nerds who do a better job of explaining all of this crap.

What I’m here to do is to help you stay on Zwift. I regularly do rides of up to two hours, which may sound unimaginable, but it can be done. Should it be done? Who cares? It’s computer bikes—it doesn’t count. But here are few strategies to get through longer rides:

• Use a fan. There’s no reason to marinate in your own juices unnecessarily. Extra sweating is pointless, so use a fan. Pro tip: wait for 15 minutes to turn on the fan as a reward to help pass the time on your trainer. And dear God, what have I become?
• Watch TV. The background music on Zwift (as I remember it, I haven’t had the sound on in years) is like the love child of the Ms Pacman theme and a John Tesch soundscape. Even when I’m doing a workout or even doing a race. Yes, there are Zwift races, and they are BANANAS, but that’s a whole other story. I need something to watch. You may not need the extra stimulation—and la dee da, aren’t you super-focused. 

• Set up random “achievements”. Whether you finish a prescribed workout or do a certain amount of time, it’s easier to ride longer when you accomplish goals along the way. For instance, today I noticed I was close to becoming a level 36 Zwift Thetan (I think that’s the term they use), so I was extra focused on gaining more Thetan points (you get 30 Thetan points for each mile or each convert you bring to the center), and after a scant 7 miles, I achieved my goal! I unlocked the “Calories to Burn Socks”. Will I unlock them? Lord, no. I’m a grown up man, I just needed something to distract me from the electronic void for 21 minutes.

And that’s it, that’s all the secrets I have for staying on a trainer in an imaginary bike world. The imaginary world may be all we have for the foreseeable future, so why not embrace it? You don’t have to unlock the socks, but it can’t hurt.