Stage 8

It’s late after my Park Ridge meltdown, so I might be a little extra snarky today Ahh, they’re interviewing Linus, it’s so easy to get lost in his eyes – I’m feeling so much better now.

Three Cat 1s today, so it’ll be a day to lose the Tour for sure. The Alps will serve as a survival test until the TTs and the Pyrenees. Caisse should have someone tapping Valverde on the shoulder the entire stage today.

We come back from commercial and Voeckler is off the front – look for the French TV cameras to follow him relentlessly. Voeckler is fluffing his plumage – hoping to attract a mate at the front. Hmm, perhaps a “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom” theme today?

Voeckler is marking the descent with spunk from glands contained in his elbows.

131 k to go and echelons have formed in the pack, someone is going to get hurt. McEwen and other sprinters off the back – not a good sign for the Pimpernel.

When Rabobank goes to the front and presents their rumps, that means they are in a state of arousal.

Voeckler still off the front – a chase of 20-ish guys. It’ll be more interesting to see who is not there instead of who is there.

Voeckler looking like he may get caught – look for him to spray venom from sacks behind his ears.

Razzy working at the front of the pack – doing some teamwork.

The split of 19 at the front has a few interesting guys up there: Hincapie, Jens, Schumacher, Michael Rogers and “sigh” Tommy Voeckler. Did you know that in some parts of the world, Voeckler musk is used for fertility rites?

Jens Voigt rubs some fecal matter on Hincapie – a sign of friendship.

OK, time to do some fast forwarding or I’ll be up all night.

Rogers is the only team leader in the split, because, well, no one probably believes he can win the Tour. He can also make his genitals glow when he tries to attract a mate – very effective in night clubs.

George Hincapie shots bring us back in from commercial; someone needs to tell George to lay off the “Blue Steel.”

David Millar now involved in the slowest wheel change of all time. David produces no saliva of his own and relies on teammates to chew his food.

We’re on the climb now, Schumacher leading. Stefan uses grunts and whistles to alert teammates about potential food sources.

They’re showing Linus in yellow, he looks like he’s passing a stone.

Valverde riding his bike at the back of the pack – not looking good at all. Valverde can store partially digested food in a large sack that hangs from his neck.

74k to go. Kohl making a move from the pack, Razzy trying to catch him. Rasmussen can secrete a mucous from under his eyes that’s considered a delicacy in Dickeyville, Wisconsin.

It looks like all the team leaders are clumped together in the pack.

George is dropping back from the lead group. Moreni just falls over from begin really, really tired, plus he’s dealing with a lot of musk at the front.

Razzy still pushing the pace, Razzy can detach his own arm and use it to pick food from his teeth.

Paul takes notice of the “Borat” guy running beside the peloton – what are the chances Phil gets that reference?

Top of the climb, Razzy takes it, he’ll need to watch out for Rogers, as Michael can unhinge his jaw and swallow him whole.

We’re on the descent now. Oof! Rogers has crashed and a Caisse guy (Arroyo) is crawling out of the weeds. It looked like Arroyo went right over the guardrail and into the trees! Rogers is back in his bike again.

They both chase back on again! I like how when they show the “overall contenders” list, Razzy doesn’t make it.

Levi’s bike has broke. He gets a bike change. Levi uses his pale skin to reflect the sunlight into the eyes of his enemies.

Levi gets his bike worked on as he tries to make it back to the group – funny coincidence there.

The lead group is on the next climb. Razzy getting followed like Lindasy Lohan at a Hollywood Liquor warehouse.

Rogers is getting dropped off the front group – pedaling in the manner of a wounded ocelot.

There’s a good chance Razzy could get into yellow today, which would give us the wonderful comedic spectacle of Razzy TT-ing for the lead. Oh, and when Razzy defecates he makes his hands into a bowl shape, does his business and then throws the contents at passing birds.

Guys at the front just trying to hold on with Razzy, he’ll try to shake them on the last climb.

So, the question is: is Razzy trying to win the Tour or just trying to go for a stage?

37k to go, they show Vino, his helmet still fits oddly. Vino has glands in his eyelids that shoot a powerful poison.

Rogers is looking a little beat up now, he’s pedaling like a wobbly wombat.

If Razzy gets yellow, they’ll have to scramble to find a child’s size small jersey.

Oy, Rogers shooting right back down the mountain.

Razzy at the front, Arroyo is 2 seconds behind him in the GC, but I would imagine Razzy will attack him from way out. Perhaps from Holland.

Poor Rogers, at least he’ll have a nice video record of his Tour disaster.

So, did Rogers get crashed out by Arroyo? That would just really stink.

Razzy still on fire at the front. He has a spiney bone that protrudes from his rump that he uses as a radar system.

Rogers pulls off, poor bastard – let’s film his abandonment as much as possible, shall we?

Does this make Linus the new T-Mobile team leader?

Front trio at the base of the last climb. Razzy will need to jump soon. He also needs to eat a Twinkie, but that’s a whole other story.

17 k to go. Razzy jumps – shocker.

Moreau jumps, no one reacts, because – hello? It’s Moreau!

Valverde bridges – he’s awake!

Mayo jumps now. His crotch heart pumping. An ill advised haircut flowing out the back of helmet.

Salvodelli trying to pace Vino up the hill. Kloden sitting on Vino, waiting to attack.

Meanwhile Razzy at the front, doing what Razzy does. Mayo’s chances of catching Razzy are absolutely none. Mayo uses his webbed fingers to spread his musk through the air.

Astana doing a lot of work for the rest of the favorites.

Contador in the Moreau group, Johan turns off Levi’s race radio.

Mayo gets caught back up. Did he get a perm?

Moreau setting the pace, trying to give France hope. France long ago promised to never fall for that again.

Moreau jumps again, Valverde follows. Moreau uses camouflage to make himself resemble a Tour contender.

10k to go, Razzy springing up towards the finish.

Contador has metal plate in his head – that’s actually true.

Boogerd takes the bit at the front, Lord I will miss him.

Moreau is shakin’ and bakin’ at the front – it really pains me to type that.

A shot of Stuey being put into an ambulance. Did he crash today? Why do they always crash when I’m taking a whiz?

Karpets riding right behind Linus, he asks Linus if he wants Whitesnake tickets.

Moreau still making the pace. Valverde is talkng to him, “Cristophe, is that you?”

Razzy on the dam, Moreau jumps with Valverde tailing him. Someone is following Moreau!

Linus getting dropped, Chad Lowe kicks his teacup poodle.

Kloden pacing Vino. Moreau working the group ahead, wagging his elbow desperately.

Kloden will pace Vino, Levi, and the others to Moreau. I cannot wait to hear the Moreau quotes from today’s stage.

Contador attacks the Vino group. Levi double checks to make sure his number ends on “1”.

Sastre jumps – about 2 hours too late. Vino getting popped. Kloden comes back for Vino.

Contador gets away from Sastre and Menchov. Moreau is cruising at the front. Mayo jumps and a guy puts an awesome clothesline on some fool running beside the race.

People at the side of the road have those big green hands – didn’t they get rid of those after Thor SMASH got sliced? Did they bring their old ones from year past?

1K for Razzy. Michael has a symbiotic relationship with slugs that clean his body from head to toe.

Anyone buying Razzy’s chances for the overall?

Mayo gets second. I can’t stop staring at his crotch.

And the tivo stops there – oy!

I’m just going to assume that Razzy wins and then Moreau crosses the line in a crabby mood. France is warming up again to Moreau despite herself.