Preview
Prologue Through Stage 2
Stage 3
Stage 5
What Game play?!
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This is both hilarious and profoundly sad at the same time.
Today’s stage is a lumpy one, so we should see a different type of stage today – not so much a sprinter’s stage. Not a day to win the Tour, but definitely a day to lose the Tour. This is one of those days where Valverde forgets to race and loses 90 minutes or cracks a bone in a ditch somewhere.
Since it July, it’s Lance baiting season, here’s an interview excerpt from a French web site (translated from the original French via Babel Fish – so it has some dodgy sections):
Let us return to the recent topicality of cycling. Eleven years after his victory in the Turn of France, the Dane Bjarne Riis acknowledged to have doped himself during his career. What do you think about it ?
I do not know Bjarne Riis very well. Perhaps it estimated that it would feel in peace with itself and that it could again look at his children right in the eyes. I do not know. On the other hand, the hypocrisy of certain leaders of the bicycle irritates me.
What do you want to say ?
I think in particular of Christian Prudhomme (current director of the Turn of France). Following the confession of Bjarne Riis, it asked so that Riis make its yellow jersey. But had one asked Richard Virenque to return his shirts to pea? Did one ask Bernard Thévenet to make his yellow jersey? Did one ask the family of Jacques Anquetil to make his five yellow jerseies?
1999 to 2005, you approached the perfection. No error of strategy, no big technical problem, no physical failure… Did you make all the same would be this only one error?
(It reflects.) I will be honest with you. I will be honest… even if you are French. My larger error, during these seven years, it is the business Fillipo Simeoni (name of an Italian runner which had testified in the lawsuit to Doctor Michele Ferrari, attended in particular by Armstrong). I should never have left the group to go to catch up with this guy. It was him to do too much publicity far.
The whole article is here:
Lance does have a point about Prudhomme not asking Tricky Dick to return the Polka Dot Jersey – but Lance does realize that Tricky is French, no?
112 to go Sylvain Chavanel (Cofidis), William Bonnet (Crédit Agricole), Philippe Gilbert (Française des Jeux) and Giampaolo Cheula (Barloworld) are out ahead with over 9 minutes.
Agritubel misses the break again, after doping controls tonight they will go right to the plasma center to sell their platelets.
On a side note from yesterday’s stage win, I think that Thor SMASH had one of the best “win faces†I’ve seen in a long time, his eyes were practically popping out of his glasses. I think someone’s “win face†is akin to their “boink faceâ€. OK, I’m kinda entering a creepy territory here by speculating on Thor’s SMASH facial expressions during sexy time. But he is just so dreamy… http://www.velocitynation.com/article.aspx?ID=1359&CID=58
Chavanel is out hunting for Mountains jersey points, but I’d like Gilbert’s chances in a break like this. The gap is dropping quick, though. Look for the Barloworld guy to attract extra team publicity by riding nude.
OK, Saunier Duval is dropping back to tow Mayo back to the pack after a crash, Mayo doesn’t seem to be in tears yet, so he must still be feeling good.
Everyone in the pack is taking a whiz and the gap keeps shrinking, does that sound like a good omen for the breakaway?
Chavanel takes another Mountain sprint, France erupts in apathy.
We’re just biding time until the next climb now. If I were on Caisse d’ Epargne I would remind Valverde to not break his collarbone right now.
A crash and Kloden hits the ditch! Are there any Kazakhs near by? Kloden gets one teammate to help him. I expect that teammate to get the “Private Pyle†soap in the socks treatment tonight at the Astana hotel.
Salvodelli comes back to help – Kloden attacks him.
Kloden goes the race doctor, holds onto the car and asks for a ride up to Vino.
69K to go feed bag time *sniff* Toto is missing.
57K to go, and we’re just killing time until the climb. This is where Valverde usually nods off to sleep and wakes up in the emergency room.
After the climb is done, I expect Chavanel to quit working at the front, Virenque-style.
Thor SMASH! is dropping back. Hold on Thor SMASH! Don’t let those skinny bastards drop you! Get yourself a herring gel.
Moreau at the front, as his implosion is still a week away.
Valverde back in the team cars. His team director radios to remind him he’s in France in July, and there’s a race going on.
Chavanel and Gilbert at the front now, the two of them together actually have a shot. Looks like Gilbert convinced Chavanel to not ride like a Frenchman.
Can they please show how Thor’s SMASH doing?
Sastre off the back – perhaps he was shadowing Valverde?
Looks like Thor SMASH should be able to use his superior, um, gravity to get back in the race.
Gilbert and Chavanel holding at around 2 minutes.
Seems like no one is going back to Sastre? Did he piss off his teammates by asking them to carry his fanny pack at the CSC survival camp?
Phil is saying there are two Frenchmen in the lead – does Chavanel have a mouse in his pocket? Is Bob Roll doing his fact checking?
Chavanel can smell the yellow jersey now. Second place on the stage is looking really good now.
Vino crashes! Kloden attacks!
Vino has split his shorts. A very bad moment to crash. Maybe Sastre and Valverde can pace him back?
Vino has 6 guys pacing him, um Kloden not there. Kloden had about 2 guys pacing him before. That should tell you who wears the itchy Kazakh pants on the team.
Now it’s a Kazakh TTT to the finish. Really hard to not mention Borat right here…
Uh oh, just 48 seconds now to the break – 18 k to go.
Astana losing time now. Do you think they will be allowed back in Kazakhstan if they don’t bring Vino back?
I expect Vino to get back to the pack. I expect Kloden to attack the front soon.
I wonder who’s left today? If Freire is still in it, it could be his day. Ah, there he is.
10K to go, Vino’s teammate are burning off the front of the chase, he’s just left with the team car now.
The Boner is slowing Vino down.
A couple of guys taking shots at the front, I’m still feeling a Freire victory here.
The Boner latches onto Vino. He pulls through! Toto weeps.
Looks like Popo on the front – did I mention he’s looking for a contract renewal?
There’s some really dicey corners on this descent.
Cancellara at the front!
Popo off the road – Ulrich style! Fabian follows him right off the corner!
Vino will need to get back to the pack.
Millar? trying a move.
Vino needs to do a huge effort to get back.
C’mon Oscar!
Pozzato wins! His perm is second!
Vino loses 1:20-ish. Goats punched all over Kazakhstan.
Is it just me or are the gods against Thor? Between SMASHING spectators, SMASHING pedals, and the relegation of yesterday’s SMASH, I fear that the gods’ dislike of schmalz’s race coverage is being taken out on Thor. We’ve also not seen Toto’s guns. Maybe schmalzlove is a dangerous thing?
estoy muy contento con la actuacion de Oscar, pero Thor tiene mucha potencia. Thor me puede e-smash quando quiere.
Babel-fish of the Flecha comment:
I am very contented with the performance of Oscar, but Thor has much power. Thor can e-smash quando wants to me.
after the infamous bunny-hop in the TdSwiss – Friere is one of my fav’s right now. Bobby J. and Floyd are the tops also but that move in Switzerland was the sheoot! I’d like to see Friere bury himself for Flecha though – he totally owes it to’em.
Please…since you’ve been studying the films…who was the rider that Dean ran into on his way down? That guy dropped a shoulder on him and just kept riding, pretty as you please. Blue Jersey. Help me out here. Thanks.
Quick Step guy, couldn’t get the number. He was looking to his right as Dean was looking to his left and they just bumped, the Quick Step guy reacted normally, I think.
Flecha and Freire are a great one two right now – and Freire already owes Flecha for Brabantse Pijl earlier this year. I can’t wait for the middle stages of this Tour. Toto time!
That was a QuickStep rider I also didnt catch his #. Possibly Marco Velo? Julien was actually hoping that the QS rider would keep’em upright. It was the classic "pull the chair as someone sits" scenario. In this case it was a shoulder. The QS rider had awesome self awareness to avoid Dean’s shoulder. Word is that Julian Dean went down again today. Cant wait to see what happened.
Actually the Quick Step guy is actually Anthony Geslin of Bouygues. He’s the one in the picture about to smack you silly for oogling his boy Thor’s butt. He’s got jealousy issues, that’s why he took out Dean (known around the CA bus as Tiny Deany)
Ya know it’s harrrd in here fo a sprint!
Baldwin, nice catch on the Danielson news – you forgot to mention two criitcal pieces of info though – 1) Tom cramped, so he pretty much stopped himself and hence was passed, according to the story. 2) the guy who passed him is named Pfannberger, nicknamed "Pfanni", which is pretty much priceless for a guy with an attack of the shits!
…I wanted to let the reader be pleasantly surprised…
I’d love to see the doctored photoshop pic of Pfanni passing Danialson with a T.P. tail!
What Julian Dean did looks like straight old CRCA cat. 5 bullshit where he got tired at the line and with his day finished just plain forgot to give a shit about the other 150 riders right behind him. Oops!
Btw. I’m Impreesed that "The Boner" is down with NY Velocity and is also hip-hop to the core. Sweet!
this is great: http://www.velonews.com/vntv/?Art_ID=1172
Steegmans seems very laid back and even calls Cancellara a “fucking strong rider” in his flemish accent.
Man crush developing…
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=caple/070713
game play, game play
sorry, I must get it right.
That awful Boonen techno song (“tommeke” comes in at about 2:50 or so):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZgZeinJAVc&mode=related&search=
what game play?
Apology accepted.
“Gameplay” was pretty funny. The Vladimir cut comment was as well – especially the fact that he noticed Mayo shaved his down a bit. fun stuff.
BTW – New faces In the mountains this year (the selection: Kaschekin, Contador, MAYO-not new but riding well, rasmussen – also not new but I think he’ll blow out his russian teamate and go for GC.
in Velo News using 81mm. Zipp 808s today. First 50mm., then 404s (58mm.), then Bont/Hed Aeolus 65mm., and now 81mm. 808s. Where will it end?
what the gameplan is totally awesome…
btw, the dude that threw the prospect park punches is Russian…
what the gameplan, here?
Where’s my $216.55! I want my $216.55!
thats a lame argument, “blood network”
it sure beats the red neck network of two years ago.
They should be Blood Network, the common theme of all Versus programming is the explicit, or implicit chance to see blood, either by burly dudes beating the crap out of each other, skinny dudes falling off their bikes, or paunchy dudes shooting unawares wildlife.
And like my mother always said, “nothing goes with blood like a crushing debt burden.”
great answer from Lance:
“[Frankie and Betsie Andreu] hate me, I don’t know why. Maybe Frankie is jealous of me? Maybe he thinks he did not achieve the career he thought he should have?…That’s why we have witness cross examination in america, and that is why their testimony did not prejudice me.”
yeah, sure
Horner is a great guy to listen to for perspective on the stages. My dream TV commentary team would be Horner, Briske, and um, me…
target audience then? I would say Guys that are into Nature (kill or catch stuff that are from nature and NATURAL male enhancement), they like all kinds of fighting (cage etc.), they love bull riding, they like racing (cars and bikes and bicycles), they don’t pay their taxes and they suffer from short term memory loss because they advertise the sport that they are showing at that moment but that could also be to remind you what it was you were watching because their are quite a few ads.
If you haven’t been watching any of the velonews TV Zabriske dairies, you are missing out!
She stand in front of my brother cage. She teez heem with her vajeen> She say, “You never gonna get this, you never gonna get this.”
But one time he get out of cage…and HE GET THEES!
A Tour de Force for Schmalz on Tour de France today…
Too funny…
Check out the APR in the fine print at the end of the video. 99.25%!!!!! Gary Coleman is hawking a loansharking business.
I don’t get Versus, so this is the best coverage I get, I almost feel like I am there, with you, especially with the commercials. I was kind of shocked by the terms of their loans, $2,600 loan, for 99.25% APR, and 42 payments of $216.55, that means they get over $9000 back for that loan.
Do they think cyclists are the type who are desperate for liquidity that we would accept usury? I would rather spend a night in a pup tent with the entire Agritubel team (wearing their unwashed bibs), than pay those kinds of rates.
Only 42 monthly payments of $216 on a $2,600 loan. Damn.
awesome! Highlight of my day …
https://www.cashcall.com/General/Rates.aspx
Make your $2600 bike feel like a $10000 one. Awesome.
make him return his shirts to pea, dammit! make him return his shirts to pea!
and really funny. You should try to write in the “from French translated via Babel fish” English. That possible Turn of France laugh at more your comments.
Who cares? Where’s hopeful Friday?
Vino will win the Tour and Klodi will podium behind Valverde. Remember the Vuelta last year…
that is freakin hilarious–especially the part about bjarne feeling in peace with itself. …thank you, schmalz, for your formidable coverage of the Turn. good luck to all the runners today.
i don’t even have a comment.
Mr. Schmalz,
You approach the perfection. I will be honest with you. I will be honest.
I enjoys the tour day schmalz.
(it reflects)
On the other hand, the hypocrisy of a certain Lance of the bicycle irritates me.
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