Tour day schmalz stage 20

by Aaron

Section head text.

Stage 20

Tour day schmalz index here

This is the stage to Paris, a mostly ceremonial affair that confounds those new to watching cycling, as they really do not contest the GC today. Will Pereiro try to jump away and, in the process, tick off everybody? Only a real goofball would do that. Go Toto, go!

Last year the Paris stage was rainy, robbing us of the opportunity to see the gun show from Toto. It looks sunny this year, so I’m very optimistic. Look for Toto to be at the front shadowing Floyd for no reason. Does “Hi, mom!” translate to “Ciao, Mama!” in Italian?

Classic crash footage, Abdu’s big old crash on the Champs-Elysees. Just nasty. So, the commentary today comes down to “let’s look for crashes.” I can live with that.

I pray that Floyd doesn’t go to the “Lance Armstrong School for Media Tedium.”

Remember last year when Vino boned Levi out of 7th place? Priceless.

A Rabo is holding a mask in front of his face of someone I don’t recognize. Maybe it’s De Groot?

@##=#<1,L>@##=#Leblanc in the gopher hole for old time’s sake. He fines Karpets for not frosting his tips.

I expect Toto to roll to the front, pull out his cell and order a pizza.

Floyd and Pereiro chatting, “Thanks for the half hour.” “No, thank you for having a team that was a bigger crapbag than mine.”

The obligatory “rolling shot of the podium guys” with Klodie and Pereiro. Surprisingly, Kloden doesn’t fall.

Sprint stage today, could we see a SMASH!?

Euskaltel guy taking a picture of his teammates, you know, to prove they were actually at the Tour this year.

Briske and Floyd at the front of the race, the pair Lance once called “Beevis and Butthead” – funny guy, that Lance…

The Euskaltel guys taking their picture with Floyd now. Soon they will be taking their pictures in a life size photo of the yellow jersey with the face cut out.

146K to go? God almighty!

Where’s Toto? Did someone sneak some Exlax into this bottle? Or even worse – granola.

Last Tour stage, Public Access, paint drying…

We’re on a Commesso watch now.

Shot of Moreau doing his best “Blue Steel.”

Green jersey recap – Thor got screwed by that relegation – SMASH!

Popo and Pena chatting, “Tell Lance to stop emailing me, I don’t know Frankie.”

They show the French dude who beat Commesso and we have a priceless interchange where they describe Toto as “having punch” and then remark about his DQ for punching another rider. Toto fever is catching!

Floyd with champagne. Would it kill them to hand him a Coors?

Did Toto oversleep today?

A couple of lions by the side of the road, it’s ok, but it’s no hay bale rider sculpture.

C’mon Toto this is the easiest TV time you’ll ever get!

Does anyone really want to see the same Phonak team back next year?

We’re on a Commesso blackout today? I gotta have more Toto!

Getting to be fast forward time.

Paul relates a story that Eddie Merckx bet on Floyd to win after Axel gave him a tip. Lance bet on himself.

Stuey and Robbie chatting, hell freezing.

Let me get this out there as they are mentioning it, I believe “American Flyers” is truly awful. Nice moustache, Costner.

Jimmy Casper racing to finish last again this year. French pride is spreading!

Voeckler at the back, that’s about right.

Phonak assembled together at the front of the race for the first time.

YESSSSS! Toto to the front with Floyd, guns out! A late attack. He asks Floyd if Mennonite chicks are easy.

Toto at the front now – the master! He asks Floyd if he could spot him one of those beers.

Commesso handing out flyers for his party after the race. The Andreas Kloden Explosion will be opening for the Carlos Sastre Disaster – plus a buffet!

OK, I’ve seen enough here. Let’s scan to Paris.

Levi jumps off the front to take a whiz or clap or something. Probably lost some sequins.

Lance on… Oops, I fast forwarded.

75K to go, Toto still on the front.

McEwen give Steegmans the green points, Steegmans radios back to the car for a raise.

We’re almost to the circuits, I am so sick of this stage.

Into the tunnel, here we go! Eki goes to the front, asks when Paul Harvey starts.

The Kermesse now begins. There’s Thor SMASH with red shoes for some reason. Maybe to commemorate the gash in his arm?

Euskaltel guy gets off the front, let’s just not hurt his feelings, shall we?

Commesso at the front for about 45 seconds, it’s a lot easier to pick up chicks at a Parisian Disco when you can say, “Did you see me at the front of the race today?”

Jens off the front, they get caught-ish.

Will we get another “Pimpernel” mention from Paul? I’m hoping so!

Jens jumps again from the small group at the front. 35K to go.

I personally would love Jens to win, as he is a grinder. Horner working for Pimpernel time.

14 riders at the front, that may not be a great idea.

Popo at the front, justifying a contract. I only like Jens and Horner in this group. Everyone else is a big cup of “whatever.”

Main field is barely pedaling. Leblanc fines them for “un-French-ness.” I will miss him so.

So, will the Pimpernel give Horner the go ahead to try for the stage?

Now 20 seconds to the field, FDJ guy jumps, Horner catches. It might be nice to see a sprint finish for a change. Cofidis chasing for Casper. Liquigas chasing for spite, really. Or to just try and make those ugly helmets fly off of their heads.

C’mon Paul – give us a Pimpernel!

15 seconds to the group. Is that Millar in there? Yes, he goes with Jens.

Those guys are real tight to those gutters. Jens popping like the zipper on a pair of ill-fitting “husky” pants.

Padrnos making a move, why not work for a sprint for George? Oh, he weighs as much as a push-broom? Okay.

6 guys off the front, it looks over for them. Herd of squirrels time.

Davitamon working. SMASH, anyone?

FDJ working for Eisel and for France, bravo!

Vasseur jumps, watch for Eddy Merckx to throw something at him from the VIP tent.

8K to go. Nothing happening.

Aggie guy jumps, he is so Spanish.

Jens goes again, caught again.

5K to go, let’s get this over with…

They’re going 42 mph, ouch! Toto going 24 mph.

Here comes the hairpin. Paul keeps mentioning Wiggins, did someone get a backrub last night?

Flecha separates a little, gets absorbed. Toto giggles.

Eki at the front, George sitting fifth. Get out the bristles!

2K to go George goes to the front really early. Popo jumps. Looks like Disco is a little out of practice at this whole “lead out” thing, as they win the sprint for the 1K banner.

A little cluster at the front now – Pimpernel, where are you?

Zabel trading shoulders with a CA guy – Thor? Don’t SMASH the aged!

TAKE THAT PIMPERNEL! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!

It’s like a Norwegian fairy tale!

How cool is that side shot of the sprint?

“I enjoying the SMASHING in Paris!”

Thor SMASH accepts awkward looking golden bird statue.

Robbie accepts green with awkwardly named son Ewen.

Razzy’s baby is two “baba’s” away from outweighing him.

Cunego gets white jersey, commemorative hair gel.

De la Fuente gets something.

Floyd gets yellow jersey, schedules buggy parade, hip surgery.

Floyd speech – so this is every year now? Much less preachy than last year…

84 Comments

CabDoctor

The whole Flecha vs. Salvatore (Graduate of the Richard Virenque ‘Do it for the Chicks’ school of cycling) Commesso thing was awesome! Our only hope is that they both decide to do the Vuelta and the Worlds. Good thing we have Commesso in the Peloton. How would any of our junior riders learn how to properly tan since Mario (Dean of the Richard Virenque ‘Do it for the Chicks’ school of cycling) Cipollini retired.

CabDoctor

Razzy would have been doing a heck of lot better if they had put flat bars on his TT bike. He’ll be the first one to rock a riser bar and bar-end in a tour time trial.

Faber

Great job this year Schmalz and it’s only fitting that your "Mancrush" of all mancrushes Smashed today. I was hoping they would have the presentation of the Green "Thor will smash" tee. You called it right on Toto. He was up there in the front with "Guns" a blazin’. I do have to take issue with Moreau’s look. It was certainly not "Blue Steel". Remember he’s French. He look was unmistakeably "Le Tigre"

lee3

The side shot sprint cam was the coolest sprint footage Ive ever seen. Its like the camera is going for the win as well!
Who started the podium offspring celebration? Luv kids but it was a bit annoying. Raz tried putting on his KOM jersey while holding his kid – ridiculous! George & Popo show did go waaaay to early.
I hear Steegmans is going to Quickstep – if true, that sucks for Robbie nxt yr.
Versus will be stupid and unwatched. Back to cycling.tv thankyou. Question, was Ventura ridin a Cannondale in that TT recon footage?
Nice job DS. You had many moments.

What is this guy smokin"

From his TDF newsletter

"Solid tour bodes well for Discovery Channel’s Future"

By Chris Carmichael

BS…………………………………………………………

lee3

latest word – Rolf Aldag might be DS’n the T-Mo show nxt season. Wow!
Trying to figure out if DNA will clear Basso. He’s been very low-profile lately. Lance’s podium compadre’s of 05′ – juice’n.

ewe idiot

I was keeping me eyes peeled for the Lance interview where he explains how to chase down guys with whom you are in the midst of legal proceedings. I must have missed it.

re:disco announcement

I’d place good money it’s Floyd, would just work too perfectly. My guess is they’re willing to throw 2x the money anybody else would at him, inspirational american tour winner??? Come on, they won the lance bidding war, do they really want some weird guy from kazakhstan who seems like he’s in up to his waist with a bunch of foreign dopers…anyway, there was talk during the tour about floyd going over to disco, my guess is in this case where there’s smoke there really is fire.

Floyd is Discoed out

Phonak’s Tour riders extend contracts

All nine Phonak riders at the Tour de France have extended their contracts with the Swiss team…Floyd Landis (1 year)

ICE DANCING DISCO!

LL to disco and the only real question should be
Who would win in a fist fight:
Little Tommy Danielson (don’t forget, he’s "young")
OR
Little Levi Leipheimer (he’s like, bald and stuff).

In a related announcement, Johan named Tom D. to Disco’s ’07 tour squad. Reached for comment Keith Bontrager verified that TD’s capable of riding a small enough bike to hand it over to Levi’s when the Trek inevitable fork snap occurs during next year’s Alpine climbs.

RE: Floyd to Disco

There is a headline about all 9 Phonak riders resigning with Phonak on cyclingnews.com. I don’t think Floyd would go back to Disco after what he has accomplished with Phonak.

lee3

Floyd has already all out said that he was happy where he is in an interview with Franky. Floyd would never go back to Disco.
There was lots of bruhaha about Vino going to Disco but I’ve read that Vino is puttin together a Kazak squad. I’m not sure who the DS would be but it was remarked that he would run the team upon his retirement.

mandrapa

from this morning’s velonews:

Landis is also currently engaged in contract negotiations for the coming season and said he expects to have announcement regarding his plans for next year within two weeks.

"That’s still up in the air, but it should be settled within the next week or two," he said. "I’m quite happy with my current situation and the most likely scenario is that I stay where I am."

His former teammate, seven-time Tour winner Lance Armstrong, who is a part owner of the Discovery Channel cycling team was quoted this week as saying he would welcome Landis’s return to the U.S. team, a possibility Landis did not dismiss.

"I have spoken with them, over the past few months, even before the Tour," Landis said. "There was never a formal offer one way or the other. Whether I would or wouldn’t, I don’t have any kind of problem with going back. I’ve been in communication with Lance. I saw him at the race – on the Alpe d’Huez stage – and we’ve sent messages back-and-forth in the meantime… but there haven’t been any formal contract talks.

"Right now I’m trying to sort things out with my current team," Landis said. "I’m happy here and I think we have a formula that works. Again, nothing against (Discovery) but I’m proud of the team I’m on."

You gotta be kidding-

Cyclingnews.com-Levi Leipheimer is leaving the Gerolsteiner team at the end of the season, and will sign for Discovery Channel, which is expected to confirm this later today.

lee3

Actually…this is a good move for Levi. I’d like to see’em crush the Duetchland tour in Discovery colors.

K King - VB

IMO Leipheimer does zero for Discovery. Unless of course he is riding support for someone bigger in TDF.

lee3

Take a look at the Results calender for Levi and the best placed Disco rider up till now. Levi would be a nice fit i think. His TT in the Tour of Calif. was pretty good. There are a few Gerolsteiner riders that Disco cant touch but the all in all I think he’ll perform a bit better with Johan.
Bobby Julich also has a penchant for the hops and Barley as well. Heard in an interview that after a hard race he’ll swig a brew as the neo-pro’s look @ him dumbfounded. Check out the Bobby J interview @ the TOC – cycling.tv

Baldwin

Vino will stay with Astana…it’s going to be a mostly-Kazakhstani (Iglisnky, Muravyov, Kaschechkin, Basayes, Iglinsky’s little brother, all the Capec guys who were out at Qinghai lake) trade team in the future.

mandrapa

with leipheimer at least they get the 6 months of good publicity hyping him up as a possible tour contender BEFORE the tour. Look what they managed to do with georgie and the tour this year, even lance could barely keep a straight face talking about his chances to win the thing outright.

lee3

Mandrapa, I remember that interview with Lance speaking about George’s GC chances. Your’re right, he almost kinda giggles a bit then he catches himself and puts on his serious face. I laugh when I see that.
Floyd on Leno. I think tonite – not sure.

Anonymous

After the UCI announced yesterday that one rider had an A sample positive in the 2006 Tour de France, there has been strong speculation about the identity of the rider. The UCI will not confirm the name of the rider until the B sample results come back, but that could be within the week.

schmalz

Here it goes:

Phonak confirms Landis positive

The Phonak team has confirmed the speculation that Floyd Landis returned a positive A sample after his win in stage 17 of the Tour de France. "The Phonak Cycling Team was notified yesterday by the UCI about an unusual level of Testosterone/Epitestosterone ratio in the test made on Floyd Landis after stage 17 of the Tour de France," said the team in a statement. "The team management and the rider were both totally surprised of this physiological result.

"The rider will ask in the upcoming days for the counter analysis to prove either that this result is coming from a natural process or that this is resulting from a mistake in the confirmation. In application of the Pro Tour Ethical Code, the rider will not race anymore until this problem is totally clear.

"If the result of the B sample analysis confirms the result of the A sample, the rider will be dismissed and will then pass the corresponding endocrinological examinations."

schmalz

Maybe they had to re-calibrate the machines because this winner has twice the balls of the last winner? Thank you, I’ll be here all week…

This will go down well

…In Mennonite country. (anyone say Outcast? – maybe he’s already achieved that status)

If he calls a press conference and starts crying, he might become a French national hero, though.

Anonymous

Well, neglecting to show Vino and Razzy’s wins in highlight footage is understandable. The operative word is “highlight”….and praising these guys to the heavens followed by the gutstomp of the drug bust is no highlight.
About Mayo….maybe he needed the EPO to put up with the indigity of having to wear the pointy-crotched kit.

Australia

for Cadel? Stop bagging the wee man, he’s done well. It’s slightly inaccurate to have him backed up by the Crapbag Players, at times he looked more like a solo artist out there. I didn’t like his “poor me” comments but if there is no increase in respect I’ll stab you in the heart with the jagged end of one of his collarbones.

Baldwin

Was how the Vs commentators totally avoided Vinokourov’s and Rasmussen’s stage wins when discussing the highlights of the three weeks on the final day wrap-up. As if the TdF was really only the final time trial and nothing more.

Go back and watch the reruns. They called those victories on the day as epic, historic throw-downs by men possessed, heroic efforts to stay in the race and assert dominance.

The distance to pro wrestling grows shorter and shorter.

JK

..until all the doping controls are done.. Apparantly, with today’s news of Mayo’s EPO positive, we are only up to the July 24 rest day. We’ll see how Contador’s amazing time trail for a Saiz pupil, Once/Liberty Segueros alumnus, holds up… Christ, for that matter, we still don’t have a 2006 winner.

Chris M

Great last post – perfect summary of all of our disappointment with this thing, mostly focused on the stupid organizers and the even more inane denials of riders with no honor that cant even admit it when they are caught ‘red-blood-celled’. I think Ill go just ride my bike…or test drive a Saab at my local dealer.

mikem

schmalz, good stuff throughout the tour. funny as hell, of course, but you’ve also totally captured the ambivalence that most of us are feeling about this event, the participants and organizers, and the higher levels of the sport in general. the race was (or could have been) pretty compelling at times, but it’s also pretty tough to give a sh*t when so many of the major players are cheats, backstabbers, etc… anyway, here’s to next year.

Anonymous

what were those boxy thingys the discovery team was carrying up to the podium? boxed wine? money? a french phone book?

FRazzy

for the Tds race reports…it was the only thing that got me through the tour, besides now knowing what was causing my ED

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