Tour day Schmalz Stage 20

by Aaron

Section head text.

Cinéaste Schmalz corrals ‘Porn Hair’ Pelizotti for a ‘business venture’. Bawm chicka bawm bawm!!

“Bring out the White Lightning and the fluffer! ‘Podium Girls Gone Wild’ is going to put us on the map!”

Stage 20

July 23, Almost got up for the Club race this morning, but the wife isn’t ready for the full family morning assault yet.

Premature Tour wrap-up

Here’s a secret that a lot of cycling fans won’t tell you: sometimes bike races are dead boring. Especially an ITT with nothing on the line. We can pretend that the minor placing count, but who really cares? It’s not the end of the world – I’ve seen plenty of boring football games, and Lord knows there’s no shortage of dull baseball games. The ITT usually looks a lot like the ass end of a pedaling cyclist. So, I’m going to do my wrap-up of the stories of the Tour (according to me), a day early, in no particular order. I’ll insert live stuff as it comes.

Moreau and his battle with 10th place

It was an epic performance, indeed. Good old Christophe put in his usual plucky performance to crack the top ten, but it’s time to face facts, Frenchman age like European techno music (not well). His meaningless mountain attacks, his testiness at potentially being replaced by Vino, and his inevitable disappearing act at the crucial moments of the race all make him one of my favorite Frenchmen to watch. Enjoy your ride with a division two team next year, Christophe!

Botero forgets how to corner momentarily, but will still beat Moreau. I fear we’re down to hoping for crashes on this stage, thank God the Tour isn’t pay per view.

Tommy Voeckler and the French public

Never has a moderately talented, scrappy racer been the object of more attention and love than poor Tommy (did they mention I’m French) Voeckler. He is relentlessly followed on every stage whether he has a chance or not. As much as I hate to say it, the previous darling of the French, Richard (I love drugs) Virenque brought more stage wins than Tommy. The most fun I had with Tommy was trying to guess whether he was getting dropped or off the front when the cameras followed him.

The Hair Jersey

The Moo-lay vs. the Porn Perm vs. the Faux-hawk. I think we have a newcomer knocking Brouchard off of his top podium spot. I would’ve never thought he could’ve been beaten, but Pellizotti has taken over the top spot. All hail the new hair king!! Boonen’s faux-hawk comes in a distant third.

Vino’s three week job interview

The notion that Vino even cared what T-Mobile wanted this Tour is just nonsense. He attacked whenever he felt like it, and if he hadn’t been reeled in by T-Mobile, he might’ve been up higher in the GC. He would be a good acquisition for a lousy French team because he doesn’t need any support – and French teams excel at that.

Mellow Yellow

Briske sometimes seemed like he needed to have paddles attached to his chest during the interviews, but it was fun to see him in yellow. I was waiting to hear him say how he shotgunned a Coors Light to celebrate his yellow jersey.

Razzy just crashed on a roundabout; it’ll be fun to track his progress as he drops down the GC.

Lance takes off without pulling out of his pedal; the remaining employees of Shimano USA can breathe a sigh of relief.

If I were running the coverage of this ITT, I would have to have a shot of Commesso wedging himself into his skinsuit.

Cadel’s Collarbone

It hasn’t broken yet, but we have two stages officially to go.

On a technical note, Lance likes to pull his shorts out of his ass.

Thor

THOR WILL SMASH! What else can I say about the Norwegian Nightmare? He’s large, he’s green, and he’s my new favorite sprinter. Just because one day I want to see him pick up the other sprinters and toss them over the barriers.

T-Mobile

Walter Godefroot is an idiot. He couldn’t direct toilet paper to his own ass. He has press conferences where he disses his racers; he has crushed Jan’s spirit, and he chose the dumbest (three leader) strategy the Tour has ever seen. If Riis had the same talent on his team, we’d be talking about 3 Tours wins. Too bad CSC already has Basso, because Vino would kick ass on that team.

Robbie vs. Stuey

One of the best spats of this year’s Tour. Every time they sprinted near one another there was some head-butting or hand gestures or kangaroo boxing.

Bobby Julich will now get to lead the stage for 5 minutes.

Basso passes Razzy as he gets a new bike, then his old bike back, and then he complains that he’s missing his third chainring.

Basso could win this one as Lance is racing this one to not fall over.

I guess I’ll mention Lance

This recap really doesn’t need to be written. Between the spots on his seat post screws, the interviews with Sheryl Crow’s hairdresser, and Chris Boardman detailing how he centrifuges his poop, what else is there to say? Lance knows exactly what it takes to win the Tour and does it. Here’s an interesting bit of trivia: did you know the last man to win the Tour before Lance is dead?

Razzy hits the ditch; he is now riding my new favorite ITT ever. He’s on bike number four now I think. I would think we will soon have a bike fling ala Riis at Futuroscope soon, but Razzy could fracture something that way.

Floyd comes in to make it 1-2-3 USA. Europe better pray we don’t start taking soccer seriously.

Lance catches Razzy and hears Johan say, “Stay the hell away from him!” on the radio.

Cadel Evans finishes with his collarbone un-cracked, one day left!

Ullrich finishes a minute up on his archrival Vino.

Lance lets loose after his 50k warm up, and wins.

Razzy has to scramble to avoid the workers taking down the barriers as he finishes.

Flecha vs. Salvatore (burp!) Commesso

Hands down, my favorite story of this year’s Tour. Commesso stalked Flecha’s breakaway moves with the passion of an obsessed Star Wars fan going through Natalie Portman’s trash. Am I really the only one who noticed this? I would’ve interviewed them both every day. Extra comedy for Sal’s rolling up his sleeves to show off the “guns.”

83 Comments

CabDoctor

The whole Flecha vs. Salvatore (Graduate of the Richard Virenque ‘Do it for the Chicks’ school of cycling) Commesso thing was awesome! Our only hope is that they both decide to do the Vuelta and the Worlds. Good thing we have Commesso in the Peloton. How would any of our junior riders learn how to properly tan since Mario (Dean of the Richard Virenque ‘Do it for the Chicks’ school of cycling) Cipollini retired.

CabDoctor

Razzy would have been doing a heck of lot better if they had put flat bars on his TT bike. He’ll be the first one to rock a riser bar and bar-end in a tour time trial.

Faber

Great job this year Schmalz and it’s only fitting that your "Mancrush" of all mancrushes Smashed today. I was hoping they would have the presentation of the Green "Thor will smash" tee. You called it right on Toto. He was up there in the front with "Guns" a blazin’. I do have to take issue with Moreau’s look. It was certainly not "Blue Steel". Remember he’s French. He look was unmistakeably "Le Tigre"

lee3

The side shot sprint cam was the coolest sprint footage Ive ever seen. Its like the camera is going for the win as well!
Who started the podium offspring celebration? Luv kids but it was a bit annoying. Raz tried putting on his KOM jersey while holding his kid – ridiculous! George & Popo show did go waaaay to early.
I hear Steegmans is going to Quickstep – if true, that sucks for Robbie nxt yr.
Versus will be stupid and unwatched. Back to cycling.tv thankyou. Question, was Ventura ridin a Cannondale in that TT recon footage?
Nice job DS. You had many moments.

What is this guy smokin"

From his TDF newsletter

"Solid tour bodes well for Discovery Channel’s Future"

By Chris Carmichael

BS…………………………………………………………

lee3

latest word – Rolf Aldag might be DS’n the T-Mo show nxt season. Wow!
Trying to figure out if DNA will clear Basso. He’s been very low-profile lately. Lance’s podium compadre’s of 05′ – juice’n.

ewe idiot

I was keeping me eyes peeled for the Lance interview where he explains how to chase down guys with whom you are in the midst of legal proceedings. I must have missed it.

re:disco announcement

I’d place good money it’s Floyd, would just work too perfectly. My guess is they’re willing to throw 2x the money anybody else would at him, inspirational american tour winner??? Come on, they won the lance bidding war, do they really want some weird guy from kazakhstan who seems like he’s in up to his waist with a bunch of foreign dopers…anyway, there was talk during the tour about floyd going over to disco, my guess is in this case where there’s smoke there really is fire.

Floyd is Discoed out

Phonak’s Tour riders extend contracts

All nine Phonak riders at the Tour de France have extended their contracts with the Swiss team…Floyd Landis (1 year)

ICE DANCING DISCO!

LL to disco and the only real question should be
Who would win in a fist fight:
Little Tommy Danielson (don’t forget, he’s "young")
OR
Little Levi Leipheimer (he’s like, bald and stuff).

In a related announcement, Johan named Tom D. to Disco’s ’07 tour squad. Reached for comment Keith Bontrager verified that TD’s capable of riding a small enough bike to hand it over to Levi’s when the Trek inevitable fork snap occurs during next year’s Alpine climbs.

RE: Floyd to Disco

There is a headline about all 9 Phonak riders resigning with Phonak on cyclingnews.com. I don’t think Floyd would go back to Disco after what he has accomplished with Phonak.

lee3

Floyd has already all out said that he was happy where he is in an interview with Franky. Floyd would never go back to Disco.
There was lots of bruhaha about Vino going to Disco but I’ve read that Vino is puttin together a Kazak squad. I’m not sure who the DS would be but it was remarked that he would run the team upon his retirement.

mandrapa

from this morning’s velonews:

Landis is also currently engaged in contract negotiations for the coming season and said he expects to have announcement regarding his plans for next year within two weeks.

"That’s still up in the air, but it should be settled within the next week or two," he said. "I’m quite happy with my current situation and the most likely scenario is that I stay where I am."

His former teammate, seven-time Tour winner Lance Armstrong, who is a part owner of the Discovery Channel cycling team was quoted this week as saying he would welcome Landis’s return to the U.S. team, a possibility Landis did not dismiss.

"I have spoken with them, over the past few months, even before the Tour," Landis said. "There was never a formal offer one way or the other. Whether I would or wouldn’t, I don’t have any kind of problem with going back. I’ve been in communication with Lance. I saw him at the race – on the Alpe d’Huez stage – and we’ve sent messages back-and-forth in the meantime… but there haven’t been any formal contract talks.

"Right now I’m trying to sort things out with my current team," Landis said. "I’m happy here and I think we have a formula that works. Again, nothing against (Discovery) but I’m proud of the team I’m on."

You gotta be kidding-

Cyclingnews.com-Levi Leipheimer is leaving the Gerolsteiner team at the end of the season, and will sign for Discovery Channel, which is expected to confirm this later today.

lee3

Actually…this is a good move for Levi. I’d like to see’em crush the Duetchland tour in Discovery colors.

K King - VB

IMO Leipheimer does zero for Discovery. Unless of course he is riding support for someone bigger in TDF.

lee3

Take a look at the Results calender for Levi and the best placed Disco rider up till now. Levi would be a nice fit i think. His TT in the Tour of Calif. was pretty good. There are a few Gerolsteiner riders that Disco cant touch but the all in all I think he’ll perform a bit better with Johan.
Bobby Julich also has a penchant for the hops and Barley as well. Heard in an interview that after a hard race he’ll swig a brew as the neo-pro’s look @ him dumbfounded. Check out the Bobby J interview @ the TOC – cycling.tv

Baldwin

Vino will stay with Astana…it’s going to be a mostly-Kazakhstani (Iglisnky, Muravyov, Kaschechkin, Basayes, Iglinsky’s little brother, all the Capec guys who were out at Qinghai lake) trade team in the future.

mandrapa

with leipheimer at least they get the 6 months of good publicity hyping him up as a possible tour contender BEFORE the tour. Look what they managed to do with georgie and the tour this year, even lance could barely keep a straight face talking about his chances to win the thing outright.

lee3

Mandrapa, I remember that interview with Lance speaking about George’s GC chances. Your’re right, he almost kinda giggles a bit then he catches himself and puts on his serious face. I laugh when I see that.
Floyd on Leno. I think tonite – not sure.

Anonymous

After the UCI announced yesterday that one rider had an A sample positive in the 2006 Tour de France, there has been strong speculation about the identity of the rider. The UCI will not confirm the name of the rider until the B sample results come back, but that could be within the week.

schmalz

Here it goes:

Phonak confirms Landis positive

The Phonak team has confirmed the speculation that Floyd Landis returned a positive A sample after his win in stage 17 of the Tour de France. "The Phonak Cycling Team was notified yesterday by the UCI about an unusual level of Testosterone/Epitestosterone ratio in the test made on Floyd Landis after stage 17 of the Tour de France," said the team in a statement. "The team management and the rider were both totally surprised of this physiological result.

"The rider will ask in the upcoming days for the counter analysis to prove either that this result is coming from a natural process or that this is resulting from a mistake in the confirmation. In application of the Pro Tour Ethical Code, the rider will not race anymore until this problem is totally clear.

"If the result of the B sample analysis confirms the result of the A sample, the rider will be dismissed and will then pass the corresponding endocrinological examinations."

schmalz

Maybe they had to re-calibrate the machines because this winner has twice the balls of the last winner? Thank you, I’ll be here all week…

This will go down well

…In Mennonite country. (anyone say Outcast? – maybe he’s already achieved that status)

If he calls a press conference and starts crying, he might become a French national hero, though.

Anonymous

Well, neglecting to show Vino and Razzy’s wins in highlight footage is understandable. The operative word is “highlight”….and praising these guys to the heavens followed by the gutstomp of the drug bust is no highlight.
About Mayo….maybe he needed the EPO to put up with the indigity of having to wear the pointy-crotched kit.

Australia

for Cadel? Stop bagging the wee man, he’s done well. It’s slightly inaccurate to have him backed up by the Crapbag Players, at times he looked more like a solo artist out there. I didn’t like his “poor me” comments but if there is no increase in respect I’ll stab you in the heart with the jagged end of one of his collarbones.

Baldwin

Was how the Vs commentators totally avoided Vinokourov’s and Rasmussen’s stage wins when discussing the highlights of the three weeks on the final day wrap-up. As if the TdF was really only the final time trial and nothing more.

Go back and watch the reruns. They called those victories on the day as epic, historic throw-downs by men possessed, heroic efforts to stay in the race and assert dominance.

The distance to pro wrestling grows shorter and shorter.

JK

..until all the doping controls are done.. Apparantly, with today’s news of Mayo’s EPO positive, we are only up to the July 24 rest day. We’ll see how Contador’s amazing time trail for a Saiz pupil, Once/Liberty Segueros alumnus, holds up… Christ, for that matter, we still don’t have a 2006 winner.

Chris M

Great last post – perfect summary of all of our disappointment with this thing, mostly focused on the stupid organizers and the even more inane denials of riders with no honor that cant even admit it when they are caught ‘red-blood-celled’. I think Ill go just ride my bike…or test drive a Saab at my local dealer.

FRazzy

for the Tds race reports…it was the only thing that got me through the tour, besides now knowing what was causing my ED

Anonymous

what were those boxy thingys the discovery team was carrying up to the podium? boxed wine? money? a french phone book?

mikem

schmalz, good stuff throughout the tour. funny as hell, of course, but you’ve also totally captured the ambivalence that most of us are feeling about this event, the participants and organizers, and the higher levels of the sport in general. the race was (or could have been) pretty compelling at times, but it’s also pretty tough to give a sh*t when so many of the major players are cheats, backstabbers, etc… anyway, here’s to next year.

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