Not content to comment from his couch, Schmalz flies to France and attacks the caravan.

Stage 2

July 3, 2005 Plus one on the baby due date, I’m guessing a birth on or about the 5th.

92k to go with Voeckler in a group of four off the front. He’s trying to make those Frenchies love him. They may soon brand him the next Bernard Hinault, at which point he will burst into flames and start marking Moreau’s moves for 20th place.

CSC is chasing, Lance has this played perfectly so far. Just don’t crash in the first week.

My prediction for today is Robbie McEwen, as it will be for every sprint for the Tour. With Fasso not having Pettachi’s train here, it’ll be messy finishes all around. And none finishes better than Robbie in the argy-bargy (my new favorite British term – supplanting “bugger”) stuff. I predit 3 wins for him. Baden Cooke will be in the mix also, which is nice because he’s just nuts. He’d push his mom into the barriers to win a stage.

Dead boring stage right now, so they cut to Frankie explaining how Bobby J’s ovalized chainrings save him 1 second on climbs and 3 seconds on the flats, where do they get this information?

Is Floyd Landis Kid Rock’s Mennonite little brother?

FDJ’s kit is mostly white. If it rains will OLN be in trouble with the FCC? Nothing like a wet t-shirt (and shorts – ugh!) contest at 40 kph. Why don’t they put the clover over the crotch-ial area?

70 k to go, Quick Step is working to bring things back with CSC. They want Tom Boonen and his faux-hawk to pull a win; I’m predicting he’ll try hard for the green jersey. Because he’s young and still wants it. I think that McEwen is over the green jersey thing.

It is painful to see Briske interviewed. On TV, He’s duller then church. (Simpson’s obscurity quotient=5 for that one).

Schmalz attacks with such gusto he overtakes the publicity caravan. Who knew Oscar Mayer sponsored the tour?

We’re just waiting on the finish now, I must resist the urge to Tivo my way to the end.

Oooh, a crash montage! No matter what Rene Hasselbacher accomplishes in his career he will always be the guy with half his butt hanging out of his shorts to me.

I’ve heard that Matt Damon would play Lance if they do “Lance, The Movie” as is rumored. The question is: who would play Jan Ullrich? I’ve already have Kid Rock playing Floyd Landis. Although I could see Crispen Glover doing it also.

It’s getting dull; I feel a cut away to Chris Carmichael coming. Is there anyone in the US who doesn’t know Lance’s AT is 175?

Knaven at the front. Poor bastard, has to explain to everyone that he did indeed win Paris-Roubaix. I dare you to pick him and Frederic Guesdon out of a line up.

Voeckler has to jump away if he wants to get a yellow jersey because Bodrogi would win on time if they all stay away. Their chances are slightly better than there being a dusting snowfall in hell.

I get to fast forward past all the nude Bob Roll commercials; I cannot put a price on the value of this.

I love the French; the TV coverage is absolutely pasted on Voeckler. Nobody loves the French like the French!

Good chance for a crash on the finish today. Always seems to be a Spanish rider who momentarily forgets he’s not Oscar Freire finding the asphalt.

How do Phil and Paul stay awake during these stages?

Ugh, let Phil keep his dignity and stop make him read those live Survivor commercials.

They’re pulling the cars out, break’s almost a done deal, and so are the hopes of France. They are still trying to stay out to get the points and jersey for the KOM.

Voeckler gets the Polka Dot jersey on a fourth category climb, France will sleep easy tonight. Cudos, France!

Did you know that Robbie McEwen’s son name is Ewen? Thanks, Dad for the daily fistfight.

Dekker attacks with a FDJ caboose at 10k to go. No hope there. My guess for the crash is still at about 2k to go.

The Australians will have a big Tour stage-win wise I think. Aussies seem to really be easy going folks. Now that I mention it, can you name anything from Australia besides Fosters? Qantas is an airline. Can you name an Australian make of car? Or TV? It seems like they just produce Sprinters and entertainers.

1K to go Boonen looks well positioned and he’s throwing elbows.

McEwen is sandwiched and then goes early, Boonen comes over to the right and does a slide move on Cooke – putting him on the barriers. Don’t ever mess with a Belgian sprinter.

Thor is second. THOR WILL SMASH!

There was a crash at the end, too, but it was off camera.

They are going to interview Sheryl Crow, is that really necessary?

Oops, Tivo-d right past it.

Oh, Lee3 was right, what the hell is Boonen wearing on his feet? They look like wrestling shoes. I fully expect to see a pair on a poser in Prospect Park in 3 weeks time.

Nice moment where Lance calls out the crash-hole in the race. I guess they have those in the Tour also.

Post stage Trautwig wrap up where he feels the need to explain bike racing once again. Wait, they race for three weeks? Al, only true believers are watching this stage live – please tell you producers to spare us the remedial stuff.

Is there THC in Zabriske’s water bottle?