Stage 19

Tour day schmalz index here

So here we have it, perhaps the most interesting TT in the Tour for about 3 or 4 years or so. The Race of Tedium, er, I mean truth is on! Really, is there a less satisfying way to decide a major sporting event? Penalty kicks, perhaps? At least there’s no judging for artistic interpretation, otherwise, Gerolsteiner would have it made.

We had an early trip to the Paramus Park Mall, so we’re TIVO-riffic today.

Floyd has so far had a flat on the prologue, a UCI handlebar change that boned his bike position on the ITT, what next, Floyd hit by lightning?

Since TTs are just as exciting as watching stock tickers, let’s just do the rehash of this year’s Tour today. After a dead repetitive first week – from the organization, not the riders – we had a non-decisive TT, and a dull grind through the Pyrenees. Then all hell broke loose on the Alps, culminating in Floyd’s ride into freakin’ history.

Briske riding like he means it, but he’s second so far on the day.

The winner of the Tour day Hair this year would have to be Vladimir Karpets, edging out Eki’s Geritol mullet, Bram de Groot was miles in the lead, but he retired early, sorry Bram, next year.

George riding, I’m glad he can now concentrate on the Spring Classics now.

Jens riding also. Gonchar cruising, he could drop a lot of riders off. I’m just looking for Commesso wedged into this skinsuit.

Garzelli insists on riding with that stupid cat on his helmet. Meow, pussy!

Good to see we’re still playing “whack-a-mole” with the spelling of Gonchar’s name.

George reaches down to adjust his computer sensor, because his computer is scrolling, “Take off that stupid helmet.”

Commesso recap. It took a week for the guns to come out, but when they did, man, did they shine! A second place as he was out-Commesso-ed by a Frenchman. Look for Toto to baste himself in self-tanner tonight and shamelessly get into the camera shots of the Yellow Jersey tomorrow.

David Millar setting a decent time, I look forward to him winning prologues and complaining about mountain stage for years to come.

Popo out riding, he’s 25th in GC. He’s 26, it’s not like he’s a baby anymore. Time to start winning, Popo.

Chavanel riding so hard he gets a nose bleed. I can just imagine him riding up to Stuart O’Grady and saying, “You don’t understand, I had to ride with a nose bleed!” And then Stuey saying, “Yeah, that must really hurt…”

So dull watching these 20th-ish place guys riding, who cares?

The Andreas Kloden Explosion warming up on the trainer.

Gonchar has no neck; it was removed for aerodynamic considerations. Gonchar in at over 3 minutes less than the others.

Nice shot of Karpets on the road with his Ape Drape flowing out from under his aero helmet. Is the Camaro Crash Helmet aerodynamic?

No helmet, no matter how large, can contain this moo-lay.

VDV on the road.

Razzy about to start, I’m giggling to myself. Do you think he could actually pick his bike up and throw it, a la Riis? Not likely…

Frankie with Phil White of Cervelo, each trying to sound more Canadian than the other. And yes, I know Frankie is from Michigan.

Razzy in the starting booth, let the comedy begin! If I were there, I would be giving him the old Caddyshack “NOON-en, NOON-en!” And then I would be escorted away quietly, my work being done.

Lance on… Zzzzzzzzzzz…..

Cunego about to start, hot in the hunt for the jersey no one cares about.

I’m very tempted to fast forward until Floyd starts. His ride is going to be nerve-racking between his mechanical problems and the unpredictable nature of this year’s Tour. I absolutely believe anything can happen: he could lap the field, he could get a pigeon wedged in his aero bars, neither would surprise me at this point.

Pereiro warming up, not complaining – yet.

Levi starts, trying to muster some interest, but it’s not happening.

Look at Cunego’s cute little bike, aw….

T-Mobile trying to win the team’s competition, the irony is built into that one.

Sastre warming up, listening to ABBA.

Will Floyd now be the world’s most famous Mennonite? Can you name another Mennonite? I mean, beside Mennon, who I am just going to assume invented the religion.

Rogers starts – sitting in tenth overall, also known as “The French Position.”

VDV at the second check in 13th place, just ahead of Karpets. VDV vs. the Kentucky waterfall!

Floyd seems to be on time for the start, a good sign.

Top five about to start. So there’s about an hour and change until this thing shakes out. Ugh.

Fast forwarding though Menchov – does anyone care about him, really?

Evans starts, I’m thinking Sastre will hold on for second. Not sure about third, probably Evans, as Kloden hasn’t blown really spectacularly yet, and Pereiro will be too distracted by trying to get everyone else relegated.

Kloden in the blocks, will the Andreas Kloden Explosion play “Free Bird” today? When did Klodie grow the whispy “teen ‘stache?” I missed that? Kicking myself right now.

Sastre about to start, has to have the TT bike’s levers explained to him. This one is the brake…

Floyd’s glasses, c’mon, did you raid grandma’s closet? He just needs a gold chain to hold them around his neck to complete the picture.

He’s off! Wax on, Floyd!

Floyd has a trick all carbon chainring. Not sold on the BMCs, though. And can anyone tell me why they are red and black?

Sastre starting, NOON-en! NOON-en!

That’s a pretty tricked out water bottle that Floyd has also. So it’s come to this, technical water bottles. Full of Power Brau? (I forgot where the umlaut key was, dammit!)

Pereiro is starting. His quest for third begins!

Shot of Phonak director Lelangue in the team car, he would like to thank everyone for their support during the pledge drive. Floyd looks very good.

Shot of Moreau, who sits eighth, trying to knock Dessel down a spot and claim seventh. I have to mention that Basso and Ulrich and Mancebo are absent, otherwise he’d be TENTH!

VDV 13th, busting the mullet!

Lelangue says that Floyd is already ahead of Sastre. Kloden kicking some butt and is sitting second at the time check, he’s obviously motivated by the opportunity to beat Gonchar, his teammate.

Floyd running through with the best time! He’s square dancing all over the field.

Sastre already down by a minute at the time check! Thanks for coming.

Pereiro coming to the first time check, he’s lost 10 seconds in the first 16.5K.

Moreau coming through the time check, what the hell is on his nose? Does every Frenchman get a nose bleed? Does WADA know this?

Any chance Pereiro holds it? Oh, yes, right, no chance.

Floyd’s position makes me nervous, it looks so squirrelly.

Menchov grinding his bike like a Chippendale’s understudy on a bachelorette.

Cunego gets the white jersey. Italy shrugs it’s shoulders and asks, “Didn’t he win the Giro?”

Pereiro trying to hold it. NOON-en! NOON-en!

Here comes Evans’ time check, remember him? Fifth at the check. Here comes Kloden, looking good for the podium.

Sastre riding like a bag of warm otter urine.

I will giggle every time I see someone falling on their ass trying to emulate Floyd’s “elbow steering” position from now on.

Floyd second at the second time check. He just has to dodge roadside knuckleheads now.

Can we get a Pereiro time check? 35 seconds. I get to fast forward past the Flowmax spots. Flowmax is now in my Word dictionary, along with Commesso, Flecha, and crapbag.

Pereiro loses yellow at the 34.5K mark. 1:22 behind, a minute to Floyd.

The Andreas Kloden Explosion passes the mic to The Carlos Sastre Disaster.

Pereiro riding well, may take over the mantle of “next Spanish rider to be crushed by the expectation to be the next Indurain.”

As long as Floyd’s bike holds up, he looks good. That bike holding together is not guaranteed at all, by the way. Yes, that’s a carbon water bottle on Floyd’s machine. Cue to the sound of fat, aged cyclist’s wallets opening all over the world.

The Carlos Sastre Disaster now plugging in their synthesizers.

Someone painted a Pac Man on the road – nice, ghosts and all.

@##=#<3,R>@##=#Kloden about to catch Evans. The Evans’ Family Crapbag Players?

Menchov finishes – badly.

Kloden tries to catch Evans, drafts a little. Don’t let Pereiro see that. Kloden finishes second.

Floyd coming in to the finish, he just needs to avoid any lightning strikes.

Buggies are being overturned in PA.

The Carlos Sastre Disaster launches into an extended drum solo.