Dammit!

Vino is out because of doping scandal. He tested positive for a homologous blood transfusion. Dynamite! No wonder Vino was riding like two men – get it? Razzy is also teetering on the edge of the drug hot tub also, so this will be another fun Tour ending.

This just boils the hate in me to the surface; let me share with you what I hate about this:

I hate that I have to listen to “they all dope” guy. These are the people who delight when their cynical world view is proven correct. Hurray! People are bad! Life sucks! Do these guys throw slumber parties when they hear about school shootings also? Just let me know, so I can wear my “Hurray! Life is Crap” PJs.

I hate that I have to listen to “they all dope, just let them take whatever they want” guy. That’s just brilliant reasoning! Of course! Now, we just have to figure out what age we should let the kiddies start taking whatever their hyper-competitive dads and coaches can cook up in the basement on their home Bunsen Burners! I would vote for 6 years old personally, as most 6 year olds have already lived a pretty good and fulfilling life, so if they should happen to perish due to dodgy drugs or dirty needles, it’s really not so bad.

I hate that I have to listen to US sports journalists dismiss cycling as a doped up fiasco. I really hate that I have to listen to Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated pop off such gems as calling the Tour the “Tour de Drugs.” This offends me not as a cycling fan, but as a person who uses words – “Tour de Drugs” that’s the best you can do? Ugh!

I hate that I have to explain Vino’s situation to all the people who know that I’m a cycling fan. What’s more fun than trying to explain blood doping and transfusions to your mother-in-law? And then you get to also add that no, you’ve never taken anything to try and take the overall title at FBF.

Four words – Dick Pound will talk.

Stage 16

75k to go, we have five guys away, including Sastre, Mayo and Soler. I am trying to muster some enthusiasm for the rest of the Tour and the seemingly inevitable Razzy perp walk, but it’s just not happening – even though I’d love to see Razzy spooning an inmate in maximum security.

Jens is trying to get up to the break to help Sastre after crashing. Carlos could really use a hug up there I would imagine.

So it Jens on your list of riders who, if they tested positive, would make you quit the sport? I think my list would be: Thor SMASH, Jens, Zabriskie, and Moncoutie.

The Rabos are chasing for Razzy, can you imagine being on Rabobank and working for Razzy? “Sure, our leader is a total Richard, but we just want to win the yellow jersey so it can get taken away in a couple of months.”

So Sastre is taking his shot today. Savvy move there. He needs to get ahead before the final climb as Razzy and Contador have been pants-ing him on the hills. You’d think Cadel would try this – but you know – he’s Cadel.

The break on the Cat 1 climb. I wonder if Mayo will avoid screwing up this stage today?

They just showed the % of workload at the front, Sastre and Soler doing most of the work, Mayo doing 0%. You’d think he’d win today.

A Cervelo spot, “Hello I am Fabian Cancellara, I enjoy the sexing and the bike riding, enjoy my hair.”

Rabos chasing and the break is losing time. The Carlos Sastre Disaster guitar tech starts tuning up the Flying V.

Also, in more good news from cyclingnews, someone tested positive for testosterone on stage 11. Robbie Hunter won, and Razzy was in yellow, so we know both of them were tested. Hmmm. Also, aren’t the positive results supposed to not be released until the “B” sample gets tested? Why are we hearing about this stuff now? Can the lab just follow protocol once? Just once, that’s all I ask.

1K to the top. Contador watching Razzy at the front of the pack. I would like to see Contador give Razzy a hill wedgie. I would also like to see a Karaoke contest between Quick Step and Credit Agricole.

So it’ll be a race of Sastre vs the pack on the final hill, with Mayo getting a tug and waiting to attack.

Lots of guys dropping out of the pack on the hill. Menchov working the front, Razzy sitting behind him, calling him chubby.

22k to go. The break is now at 1:06, everything will come down to the last hill.

Valverde is in the yellow jersey group, not sucking today yet.

Mayo attack and explosion to come inevitably? Is team car ready for him?

Will the “Flight of the Contador” fly on the hill? I say “yis”.

Razzy looks comfortable, like a Buddha make of chicken cutlets.

Sastre attacks, good boy Carlos! Mayo tries to inch back on and do an Evans impression. Soler popping. Riding his bike like a bull humping a steak.

Rabo working behind, they are :52 behind. If Contador and Razzy play around with each other, Mayo and Sastre cold stay away.

Menchov goes off the back of the race, Razzy radios to the team car to ask if Menchov can be fired.

Sastre attacks again! Mayo radios back for help from Horner.

Popo to the front, Disco working. Levi should be able to lay down a “stink shield” to Razzy, s his jersey hasn’t been washed by the team in 8 days.

25 seconds to Sastre. C’mon Disaster!

The fans aren’t boo-ing Razzy they’re saying “Düüüüüüüuche …”

Contador biding his time.

Levi jumps, forcing a Razzy chase. Contador counter in 3…2…1…

Ahhhh, completely naked man running at front of the race. French TV mercifully changes to the moto camera. Evans follows the naked man.

Sastre gets dropped by the Levi move. Farewell, gallant Carlos! The Carlos Sastre Disaster begins their blues odyssey.

Levi keeps attacking the chicken. Contador attacks.

Razzy has to work to close, Evans follows, shocker.

Razzy catches, world rejoices!

Levi goes again, he could win today. Razzy chases, because he’s not very smart?

Will Evans attack? Will cats learn supply side economics?

Sastre 30 seconds back, poor bastard. The Disaster is up to their encore.

7k to go. Contador jumps again. Prudhomme cheers in his Peugeot jack in the box.

Evans follows. Levi cracking.

Hilarious, a drunk nails a minivan as he runs in front of the race!

Razzy and Contador trading shots at Evans.

Prudhomme tries to snare Razzy’s wheel with a French flag.

Another Contador shot. Razzy catches. Levi back to Evans, they are behind at 15 seconds.

ASO is giving away musettes with pictograph instructions for snagging Razzy’s handlebars.

Sastre dying up the climb. If Sastre and Cadel got together earlier, it might’ve been the move of the Tour, but it is Cadel we’re talking about.

Levi drops Cadel.

5k to go. Levi up to the leaders. Chicken BBQ anyone?

Drunk running Spaniards everywhere.

Cadel trying to get back to the front group. So, he can’t respond to the accelerations, but yet he tries to follow instead of getting ahead of the guys who kill him on the climbs? Enjoy third, Cadel.

Levi jumps, trying to win back Johan’s heart.

Can’t wait for another Contador/Razzy hillside conversation.

Levi turn to try and see Evans and get an eye full of some guy dressed as Napoleon?

Top three playing around, giving Cadel encouragement.

Razzy keeps waving at the camera – because when you’re going 13 MPH the moto makes a big difference. Add the moto guys to the list that despise Razzy.

Cadel climbing like a wounded tapir.

Razzy has the most masculine wave I’ve ever seen!

2.3k to go. Levi going for Evans’s GC spot.

Can’t wait for the bitchy Razzy press conference after the stage as he complains about the motos.

1K to go, Levi dropping off.

Contador setting up Razzy, but Razzy gets away!

Will TV coverage mysteriously drop out as he crosses the line?

Razzy by himself. Flying up the hill, to the delight of no one.

Prudhomme tries to nudge a moto into Razzy, and encourage spectators to throw their green hands into the roadway.

Razzy zips up, raises his hands, and pisses on everyone’s enthusiasm for this Tour.