Stage 14

Razzy held on yesterday in the time trial, and Vino knocked about 3 minutes out of his deficit, he’s now 9^th at 5:10. Levi is a minute behind Contador in the GC, and Valverde crapped it to land 11^th at 5:48. There’s a real possibility that we could have a podium of Razzy, Evans and Kloden. Ugh, can you imagine a less compelling trio? Can someone call Frank Stallone, Clint Howard and Roger Clinton?

So now everybody has to be ready for attacks from Vino and maybe even Valverde, unless he has the runs or something. That would explain him pooping it up all over France yesterday. I can’t wait to see what Vino does. It’s going to be like in grade school where you would pretend to punch someone and when they jumped, you’d give them “two for flinching.” I have a feeling today will be a “two for flinching” day. Tomorrow will be a wedgie day.

88K to go, 5 riders away, a gang of “low enough on GC” hopefuls.

Rabo and Saunier chasing. Still have no idea who’s at the front. I think Popo’s up there. Maybe I missed it amongst all the promos for nude cage fighting or the beaver shooting championships on VS.

Today we will see if Razzy can actually defend his yellow jersey. In 2005, when he almost finished third, he was able to get big chunks of time in the mountains, but it was also because he wasn’t considered a threat. Last year, he dropped enough time to allow the GC guys to let him go and get his stage win. He’s in a whole different game this year.

Levi interview: “They didn’t tell me where the team hotel was, but I was able to sleep in a camper with a dozen drunk Dutchmen, so I should do well today. Excuse me while I wash my shorts in this restaurant’s bathroom.”

Also, it never seems like climbers are mentioned as being team guys who a lot of fun to hang out with. Sprinters like Boonen or Cipo seems to have a sense of humor, you never really heard of fun climbers. Even Pantani didn’t seem like a lot of fun, and don’t get me started on his self proclaimed nickname. Nicknames are meant to assimilate and humiliate, you don’t give yourself one. You can call me “Danimal.”

The goofball six are on the first big climb.

Frankie interviews Kloden, Kloden has a much deeper voice than I thought he would. I imagined a whistley, squeaky voice, like leaking gas.

The guys today who need to attack and get back time would have to be Vino and Valverde. I almost expect to hear from Caisse that Valverde has the runs or tendonitis or even scabies, something to explain the big old TT turd he put down yesterday.

Steegmans off the back, the Boner doesn’t follow.

I refuse to type the name of the guys off the front, because as soon as I do they will be back in the pack.

Field still with Saunier at the front, going uphill, working for a Mayo win perhaps. Mayo has made it to the third week of the Tour without the weeping retreat to the team car, so he’s in uncharted territory.

There’s no telling where the Vino attacks will come today, it could be on the downhill, on the hills, in the bathroom, anywhere. A downhill attack might make sense as it would, put Razzy out in the wind, where he’d flutter like a sunburned bag of hummingbird farts.

We haven’t seen the obligatory shot of Thor SMASH dropping off the pace – maybe I missed it at kilometer 5.

Two Euskaltel guys on the front, um, because they’re Spanish…

Uh oh, Vino dropping a bit on the climb. Will Kloden attack?

Millar is setting the pace that’s dropping Vino. I really can’t take the prospect of seeing Vino cry again. It’s like seeing Elvis sober.

Boogerd has the bit in his mouth at the front. Lord, I will miss that guy.

Man, these Pyrenean roads are narrow. Prudhomme should run over at least 12 drunks on the final climb today.

Vino at the doctor’s car, Kazakh TV considering switching to “The Goat Love Chronicles”.

Cadel Evans following someone, like that needs mentioning.

Razzy sitting third behind two teammates, I wonder what his pep talk to his teammates are like? “Hey Guys, I know you never see me and I’ve never really done anything for you, but I promise to win and I’ll be sure to learn all of your names by the end of the Tour.”

Descent starting, Vino still off the back, ugh. C’mon Vino, don’t you want to make Razzy cry?

Saunier has dropped Mayo, weeping withdrawal in 3…2…1…

Solar take the remaining mountain points and takes the actual lead from Razzy. Bwa ha ha ha ha.

Let’s see if Vino can get back on the descent.

Bruyneel in the team car, telling Levi to follow Popo on the descent, even if he goes into the ditch.

Mayo trying to catch on. He can hear the team car back seat calling out to him.

Four guys still off the front, not sure anyone really cares.

Johan in the Disco car again, “Levi, if you need any gels or water, try and purchase them at the side of the road.”

32K to go, about 3 minutes to the break of four. Vino fading.

We’re getting the flat valley section between the hills now, lots of guys have caught back on.

Hincapie has caught back on, pulling to try and drop Levi.

Oy, Vino still not in the yellow group.

The Euskaltel guys may have a shot at winning today, because if they make it to the final climb in the break they will be pushed up the hill by every able bodied drunk in bright orange.

18k to go, about to get to the climb.

Lead group at the base of the climb, we take our third VS “last break” before the end of the climb.

The Quick Step guy who chased back on gets dropped like a burrito dinner.

Colom jumps from the break.

Mayo getting dropped again, he radios to see if they have the AC on in the team car.

Valverde getting pooped out also. Pereiro there also, he tries to throw something into Valverde’s spokes.

Popo pushing the pace at the front. Kloden looks fine in the yellow group. Boogerd grits his teeth, blinds Northern Spain and drops Menchov.

Solder offers Razzy some water, Razzy refuses and reminds Solder that he’s a dick.

Caisse doing the TTT of shame as they get popped off the back.

Popo pushing with Contador right behind. Johan radios to Levi and tells him to follow Valverde.

Kloden having trouble. The Andreas Kloden Explosion is getting back together!

10 k to go.

Popo still pushing.

Menchov joins the Valverde boo hoo choo choo at the back.

Kloden gets back, and gets dropped…

Contador pulls off, gapping the chicken behind Popo.

Levi still up there. He must’ve found a ham sandwich along the road!

Kloden about 50 meters behind. Evans following, but you already knew that.

Razzy looking like a really homely 8^th grade girl.

Some guy from Astana is leading the race, remember him? Me neither.

Valverde glares at the camera as they get every excruciating detail of his demise.

Popo pulls off, Levi jumps! Contador counters; as he wonders who the little bald guy was.

Sastre, Evans and Razzy follow.

Levi catches back on, maybe he’ll counter? Maybe Agritubel will let him sleep in their tent tonight?

Razzy jumps! Contador goes too, Evans follows, but you already knew that.

Everyone back together.

Soler jumps! Razzy goes. Contador catches and Evans follows. Evans follows is now getting entered into my cut and paste file.

Sastre and Levi sidle up to the group.

Will Evans attack? Bwa ha ha ha ha!

Soler jumps again. Nobody chases.

Contador jumps. Razzy pulls through. Soler dropped, but they slow down again.

Evans follows – it’ so much easier when you can just paste it!

Contador jumps again. Razzy look at Evans to chase. Hee hee.

Razzy chases, you guessed it – Evans follows, and gets gapped.

Razzy and Contador together.

5k to go for the guy leading – remember him?

Razzy and Contador are closing on him.

Evans pulling the group. Sastre jumps him. Evans dropped. Must. Follow.

If Razzy and Contador stay away will Razzy gift the stage to Contador? That sounds like Razzy.

Um, there’s a guy in a mini, mini mankini, running along the leader. Thanking God I don’t have HD right now.

Colom gets caught by Razzy and Contador. 3K to go. Hoping for a Contador attack soon.

Razzy surges. Drunk idiots everywhere.

Cadel climbing like a drunken gibbon.

Razzy and Contador arguing about who’s got a more girlish figure.

Razzy tries to get a Spaniard to work and perhaps forgo winning on a peak in the Pyrenees. That should go well.

Add Contador to the list of guys who think Razzy’s a dick.

Soler jumps, he rides his bike like he’s doing the cabbage patch at summer camp.

Razzy finally figures out he’s wearing yellow and pulls through.

Levi jumps from Sastre.

Razzy leads out and Contador comes around.

Soler, Levi and Sastre finish. Cadel and Kloden together. Valverde still listening to Pereiro complaining. Vino somewhere in France.