Stage 13

Today is the first individual time trial. Normally I’d be as excited to watch an TT as I would be to watch a retrospective of “CSPAN’s greatest filibusters”, but today is different. We have the one and only Chicken, Michael Rasmussen, trying to hold onto the yellow jersey. He’s 2:35 ahead of Valverde, and the other contenders are close by also. Kloden’s at 3:50, and he might be the favorite to take the yellow, or maybe Valverde can put a good TT together and take the lead. We’ll get to see the hilarious footage of Razzy trying to TT two years ago and crashing three times in the process. As an added bonus, he’s bringing the butter knife that is a Colnago TT bike to the TT gun fight today.

Ooh, it’s raining today! Cancellara has already crashed in the rain. Razzy is asking Menchov to hold him close.

People thought I made up the Razzy quote from the other day, but it is completely accurate, here it is again:

“I am very happy with today,” said the skinny Dane. “Now there is no doubt about who is the captain of this team is. I stayed close to Valverde because he had another teammate up there. I felt like it was a victory for me to be able to fight back the 25 times Valverde tried to attack. I felt very clear in the head today seeing the tactics of the race. It was disappointing that Menchov couldn’t get his ass over the Galibier. I think it’s a climber’s Tour.”

Bear in mind that Razzy speaks excellent English, in addition to speaking “dick.” That Razzy is one classy guy. We also have the latest Razzy doping scandal. According to Velonews, a Mountain Biker friend of Razzy is accusing Razzy of trying to get him to mule drugs for him. The story goes as follows:

Razzy and this guy are friends; Razzy is doing some MTN training in Colorado.

He goes to Italy and asks his friend to bring along some shoes he forgot to pack.

Another friend drops off the shoes, friend #1 goes to pack the “shoes”, and open the box to fit the shoes in his luggage.

He finds bags of bovine blood booster or some such nonsense.

He flushes it rather than attempt to bring it through Italian customs.

He gets to Italy, sees Razzy, asked him, “What the hell?”

Razzy, “My bad, sorry about almost getting you arrested. What did you do with the stuff?”

Friend, “Flushed it.”

Razzy, “What? Do you know how much that shit costs?”

And that’s without exaggeration from me.

So, to recap, Razzy tries to trick his friend into muling dope to Italy for him (where sporting fraud is a crime, by the way), the friend dumps the stuff and confronts Razzy. And Razzy gets pissed because the drugs were expensive. Razzy fever – catch it!

Vino is off, attempting to ride Kloden out of the Astana team leadership.

Karpets on the road, rocking the very aero mullet.

Moreau getting ready to start, ready to claw his way to tenth.

Let’s fast forward to the start of the contenders, shall we? Smooch, I love you, Tivo.

Hold on, Gusev’s red armed TT suit is just hilarious. Awful!

Vino is still out trying to get control of Astana back, it’s still wet out. Menchov just volunteered to drive the car behind Razzy, “For support.” And should Razzy fall in front of the car, I’m sure Menchov will do everything he can to avoid running over Razzy and would definitely not back over Razzy after hitting him.

Levi about to start, it’s still raining out. Menchov offers to add special “speed lard” to Razzy’s tires.

Gusev crashes and adds a new twist to the “Ulrich roundabout dump” by adding a belly flop at the end – bravo!

Kloden about to start. He still wears the Breathe Right strips. He also insists on Shimano Biopace chainrings and a neon helmet cover.

Contador about to start, Discovery’s real team leader. They still haven’t told Levi, as Johan’s waiting for the right moment, perhaps when Contador drops Levi tomorrow?

Cadel Evans about to start, his collarbone quivering.

Who will crash more today? Evans or Razzy? I’d say Evans, but you don’t bet against a sure thing like Razzy in the rain.

Vino at the time check at 38.5K, maybe about 1:20-ish in the lead. Kloden getting instruction from the DS to “try not using brakes, see what happens.”

Razzy about to start. Hee hee. Noonen! Noonen!

Here comes Menchov to the time check, losing a lot of time to Vino. He radio back to tell Razzy to try riding on the grass for better traction.

Vino is killing it out there! C’mon Vino! If he gets close to the GC overall, he will attack relentlessly in the next three days. You think he wants to make Valverde cry? Nobody make Vino cry!

Kloden 30 seconds behind Vino at the time check.

Here comes Linus finishing. Wet, sweaty Linus, mmmmm. What was I talking about?

Razzy on the course and no crash yet. Noonen! Noonen!

Sastre laying down a big old turd on the road.

Vino about to finish. Best time by over two minutes! The Astana DS tell Kloden that Vino has crashed, and to take it easy.

Kloden has fallen, Kazakh urine on the road perhaps? The team mechanic gives him a push on the coccyx.

Menchov finishes about 3 and a half minutes behind Vino. Which Rabobank rider will crap it worst today?

Evans still hasn’t fallen.

Valverde has lost 2:18 to Vino so far. Nobody makes Vino cry!

Watching Cadel corner is like watching a baby play with a razor.

Here comes Levi in at 12^th at the time check, over 2 minutes behind Vino.

Kloden could be in yellow today. Usually the guys in yellow don’t get water bottles in the third week of the Tour.

Razzy cornering like a septuagenarian on the way to bingo.

Sastre loses 3 minutes behind Vino today, he still has 5 minutes to play with.

Who is excited by the prospect of a Kloden Tour win? Anyone? So we all agree then?

Cadel just 1 minute behind Vino at the time check. I would guess he will lose time over the rest of the TT to Vino.

Mayo riding a weeper of a TT.

Levi finishing, losing 2:38 to Vino.

So we have one more TT left, Vino only really has to stay close in the mountains to be dangerous, that, and he has to drop Kloden somewhere.

Kloden finishes about a minute and a half behind Vino. By my calculations, Kloden will lose five minutes when the Astana DS forgets to wake him for tomorrow’s stage.

Razzy at a time check, comedy coming. Conditions seem a little drier than before. Damn, I want a wet chicken!

Sastre loses 4 minutes to Vino.

Razzy still on bike – alert the media!

Contador loses about 2 minutes to Vino. Levi locked out of Disco bus.

Evans survives with bones intact. He drops a minute or so to Vino. He has a better time than Kloden! The Astana DS slaps Kloden on the coccyx in celebration.

Valverde and Razzy still to finish.

Razzy may hold the yellow. Ugh.

Razzy matching Evans’ time.

Razzy passes Valverde! Spain just threw up a little in her mouth.

If you get caught in the TT by Razzy, should you be allowed to continue?

Is Valverde drunk?

Razzy may keep yellow! Um, yay?

Vino now down by about 5 minutes, gaining back 3 minutes today.

The Astana DS tells Kloden to hurry to get to the hotel in Berlin for tomorrow’s stage.