Lance: ‘I gifted new dad Schmalz the win.’

Schmalz: ‘I was the strongest. I’m going to teach him a lesson. I really don’t like that American way of his.’

Stage 12

July 13, 2005 One of my favorite thing about infants is their startle reflex. Basically, when they hear a load noise they automatically react by flinging out their arms and legs, even when they’re asleep. I would imagine it’s a natural defense mechanism that protects them from cougars and such. So, whenever she does the startle thing, my wife and I say “cougars!” Not funny, I know, but we haven’t been sleeping much. I also would never clap my hands just to illicit this response.

Boonen retires and my boy Thor is in the green. Say it with me, THOR WILL SMASH!

And he’s in this early break along with Stuey trying to soak up some intermediate points.

I think I’m more of a Stuey guy than a Robbie guy. I have a sneaking suspicion that Robbie’s a jerk – and he named his son Ewen McEwen. I think the Australian racers are split into Stuey and Robbie factions.

Axel is in the break, and his teammates are chasing, to bring back the green jersey competition. I would watch it, Eddy Merckx can have them all killed.

Today is Bastille Day, so the French threw in a non-mountain stage to throw their boys a bone.

Sandy Casar makes the token French attack – because he is Sandy Casar no one joins him.

Voeckler is now the Lady Di of the peloton, they just keep taking shots of him no matter what he does. If Voeckler were to win today, there might be a new statue in the town square.

I’m watching this stage live as I work; I keep wanting to put two arrows to scan the progress.

Davitamon is bringing the break back, apparently McEwen trumps Merckx – Belgium weeps.

Richard (I love drugs) Virenque was the last Frenchmen to win on Bastille Day. Once again, why he overshadows Jalabert (who also won on Bastille Day) in the French’s eyes, I’ll never know. Maybe it’s because he cries a lot.

There’s nothing going on stage-wise right now, so I’ll talk about myself. With baby duties, I have had no time to ride at all. I’ve been riding my fixed gear because I have to put my new bike together before I can ride. Without the flaming Guru (the only frame I’ve won races on), I don’t think anyone will recognize me. I’m about 10 years away from becoming the old guy who has a sweet bike worth more than a couple of mortgage payments – wait, who am I kidding? I’m old enough now; I just don’t have the money to spend on the sweet bike. I just got a blue/silver Cannondale CAAD 8 frame by the way, just like everyone else.

Token French move from Moncoutie on the hill.

Davitamon got the call on the cell phone from Eddy’s knee-cappers and the chase is off.

Thor is getting popped on the climb. PLEASE, THOR SMASH!

Axel is now doing the work at the front; I guess Merckx does trump McEwen. I guess Robbie won’t have trash dumped all over his yard at his Belguim home tonight after all.

Thor might be able to catch back on; he does have a gravity advantage after all. THOR WILL SMASH!

Stuey is ahead of Thor by as little, Thor may catch him. SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!

Pellizotti‘s porn perm may unseat Brochard’s Mullet as the new leader of the mauve jersey competition for tastiest hairstyle.

Here’s the descent, let’s see if the group reforms. Could a certain Norwegian of large carriage gain back lost time? To catch, perchance to SMASH?

Nice quote about Frigo today from Ferretti (his director)

“Two years ago, I took him back to give him a second chance. I thought he had made a mistake and that he had acknowledged it. I was wrong. Frigo is a halfwit, he’s not devious. He’s a delinquent who should be placed with other delinquents. He has nothing to offer cycling and those at the roadside, and I really hope that his career is over and that no other teams take him on.” – nice. I love Ferretti, he also complained about Eastern bloc riders becoming lazy after they got big contracts. I believe he was referring to Vainstens at the time.

Dario and Mrs. Frigo have been released by the cops, but they will still be charged. Now, I wonder if his wife will do time like Mrs. Rumsas? Initially, Mrs. Frigo said the drugs were for Botox treatments. A gift from her grandmother for her dog, perhaps?

2:20 to Thor and Stuey’s group – looks like they will fight it out for the points. THOR WILL SMASH!

Axel is really working for this one. For anyone who doesn’t know, HIS DAD IS THE GREATEST BIKE RACER, EVER.

The break riders are actually attaching hooks to Axel’s butt.

Moncoutie is 2k from the finish to ensure a win, drunken Frenchmen are throwing trash into the road after he passes.

I wonder if Moncoutie will weep at the finish?

The break coasts in. Later, Eddy will personally slap each of Axel’s break compatriots.

Moncoutie and Casar make it a French 1-2. France will revel in their improvements on their 44th and 31st places respectively in the GC.

Thor comes around and takes a point from Stuey. THOR HAS SMASHED!

With a French win, France now lays back in bed and has a smoke.