Schmalz sells his soul to the devil for just a few more days before the baby comes.

Stage 1- OLN Preview Show

July 2, 2005 No baby yet, today is the due date, but my wife went late last time.

New logo

@##=#<2,r>@##=#OLN has a new logo; it seems like they’ve taken on a more “STP”-type look, this should go well with their new beaver-shooting series. Cudos, OLN!

Hmmm, 19 k ITT and the CP TT is about that long, maybe we can ballpark times for comparison purposes? Might take math though…

Hey, there’s an old shot of Kivilev. Remember Kivilev? What happened to him? Once he was sticking it to the leaders and then disappeared. Maybe he got Rumsas syndrome. (later schmalz edit – OK, I forgot that Rusas died, alright? Yes, I am an idiot…)

Wait, Chris Charmichael is telling us how he centrifuges Lance’s urine! What will he do when Lance retires? Will he interview himself to stay in practice?

So will there be a cycling bidding war between OLN and Discovery? Seems to me like Discovery has deeper pockets – and no beaver shooting.

Here’s the obligatory medical check shots of shirtless cyclists surrounded by photographers. If I were a rider, I would be tempted to show them my urine sample, not the official one, just an extra one “for the fans.”

Kirsten Gum is reporting that George Hincapie wishes to be buried in his Silver Oakley Racing Jacket sunglasses.

OLN once again shows Sherwin’s interview with Lance. No channel is better at taking a 15 minute interview and milking it for 2 hours.

They are talking to Bobby Julich about food with someone who may be his personal chef.

I can’t take this anymore, I’m going out to play hopscotch with Emma, and I’ll return for the actual stage.

Stage 1

@##=#<1,L>@##=#For those of you who don’t know about the miracle of Tivo, I’ll just say it once, I may love it more than some family members – mostly second cousins.

Here’s a secret – I think ITT coverage is dead boring. I feel for Ligget and Sherwin as they try to fill time as riders trickle over the line or they search vainly for a crash or something. Personally I think they should make Bob Roll take a shot of red wine every time they mention Cyclism and wait until he starts popping off about the French, and starts calling them “poodle-walking, rifle-droppers”.

Zabriske is the early leader – no surprise there. He may keep the top spot. He’s got a minute on Karpets. I hope he keeps it, just so they have to interview him. Nothing is more fun than a French reporter trying to figure out irony.

Briske did a 20:51, Smiley’s time in the last ITT last year was 25:46, and if we knock off a minute for the extra kilo (very generous, I know) he would have a 24:46. Let’s see where he lands in the overall.

Boogerd is fighting tooth and nail. (I couldn’t resist).

Salvatore Commesso is very motivated as his director promised seconds at dinner if he breaks thirty minutes.

I have a hunch that George Hincapie is going to go for it to get a yellow jersey. Just a hunch.

Beloki just finished at 22:56 and may be coming down with a case of “Rumsas”.

Look! Lance is on his trainer! Pedaling!!

Will Bobby Julich crash in a TT this year? I say the odds are 50/50.

Can we look at anyone else’s bikes except Trek’s, for the love of God!! Just give me a little look at a Colnago?

Julich has bought up all the Biopace chainrings left in the world. His ebay member ID is stickboy.

The battle for ugliest TT helmet is on! Gerosteiner jumps to an early lead, but Phonak will be hard to beat!

Voekler is FRENCH!! Can anyone tell me why the French adored drug-lovin’ Tricky Dicky Virenque and Jalabert barely registered a response?? Do berets affect your ability to reason?

THOR WILL SMASH!!! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!

Phonak reaffirms its ugly helmet dominance. They’ll be tough to beat.

Illeas Balears might take the ugly helmet win!

Can we please get a shot of Briske, sitting and waiting for the finish? My bet is that he’s either asleep or playing with a gameboy.

Brad McGee looks like a batman villain in his FDJ suit. Shall we call him the “clubber?”

Levi does 22:04. Thanks for coming.

Moreau is on the course, and so begins his quest for 10th place.

Botero’s nickname in Columbia is “The Rambo of Sex”, because he had a high testosterone test result. I on the other hand, am known as “The Terminator of Miller High Life.”

Lance immediately drops a pedal. Half of Shimano USA’s staff is now fired.

I am wrong about George, he’s third.

Paul Sherwin just told me that Lance pulls his shorts out of his butt for aero reasons. I now know way too much about Lance.

Don’t make Bob Roll act, just don’t.

Lance is down 3 seconds at the halfway point. He may catch Ullrich as his minute man. Cue Jaws theme music.

And the one rider chosen for a random drug test is, Lance Armstrong! Talk about a coincidence!

Armstrong just passed Jan. Check please!

Will Lance let Briske win? It would be a good idea to let CSC do all the early chasing, but that’s just me.

Basso could be 2 minutes down at the end of the day.

Briske wins! Can someone get my boy a Coors Light?

Lance is second. Traditional US sportswriters everywhere look quizzically at each other and ask whether the race is over or not.

Well, the Tour is over, thanks for coming. Oh, wait. We still have 20 stages left?

Here’s the interview, oh no! The CSC publicist had gotten to Briske! Briske has been muzzled!! Free Dave Zabriske!!

Vino is closest to Lance by about 50 seconds. Ullrich down by a minute. Basso down by about a minute and a half. Pray for the hills boys.

Briske now has to get dressed and kissed in every jersey.