Tour day Schmalz Prologue, Stage 1 and Stage 2

I’m back from my trip to the Iowa Netherlands and I’m proud to say nary a vegetable crossed my path. I did have some vegetables with my breaded pork tenderloin sandwich (an Iowa delicacy), but they were fried green beans. Long heart stopping story short, the kids were presented, beers were drank, and I’ve built up some familial good will – which I will now spend watching brightly clad Europeans grunt and sweat their way across France (and Britain, and Belgium, and Spain).

First off is the prologue – or as I like to call it – the dullest send off for a major sporting event ever conceived. If you were to try to make a parallel for a NASCAR afflicted friend, you would explain that the prologue is like qualifying in auto racing – it sets the starting order. But the starting order in cycling doesn’t really matter, and the prologue is really just for deciding who gets to defend the yellow jersey needlessly for the first few stages. So winning the prologue is like winning a week long kick in the crotch – enjoy that Fabian.

Stage 1

I just caught the last 20k on the Tivo, but I have to say that McEwen’s win was one of the most remarkable sprint wins I’ve seen in a long time. With 20k to go, the Pocket Pimpernel gets caught behind some shenanigans; he gets 4 teammates to bring him back (wouldn’t want to tire out Cadel’s push crew, after all); and they basically do a team time trial against the Quick Steppers and the Lampre Purple Nurples.

The Predictor Lotto crew brought McEwen close enough, and after the Milram train sputtered and died; Robbie jumped and spanked The Boner and my beat my beloved Thor SMASH into second place. McEwen’s surge was phenomenal, there’s no other way to describe it. After all that sunshine blowing, I now feel obliged to mock him by mentioning that he’s shorter than a pile of elf dung.

Stage 2

Tonight’s stage companion will be Leinenkugel’s Sunset Wheat. After a long day of air travel, we shall see whether I go the entire distance or skip to the end of the stage. Seeing Trautwig and Roll do the recap isn’t going to exactly whet my appetite either.

As an aside while I listen to commentator blather, I would like to recommend to every professional cyclist who does a blog to please, please stop telling us about your flights. I cannot take another lost bike/luggage/missed transfer story. Unless someone loses a limb or there’s gunplay – please keep your travel mishaps to yourself. I say this in the spirit of constructive criticism when I say no one gives a crap. I have travel horror stores of my own and I can’t bear hearing them anymore. Are we agreed? Good.

Today’s stage is in Belgium, so that means that Tom Boonen will be doing everything he can to win today so he doesn’t have to hear it from every Tom, Gert and Barry about not winning a stage in Belgium in the Tour. He could even try to coax Museeuw out of retirement for help by offering to pay for a re-do of that awful hair planting of his.

100k-ish to go and we have 3 hopefuls at the front. Hmm, two Spaniards and a German – the chances for a Stalin reunion tour are better than their chances of staying away.

On another aside, I have to wonder why VS would have their prime time Tour show commented on by the second string of Roll and Trautwig. Anyone with a brain and a Tivo just watches the Phil and Paul coverage. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s gig, but you could essentially cut your commentary budget in half by just re-running the morning’s live stage coverage. Something to think about there, VS…

HOLY CRAP! Frankie Andreu is back! He’s interviewing McEwen. I guess all of those other guys admitting to EPO usage kinda made people forget about him. Or maybe Lance’s iron grip on power is loosening. Did I just type that? I’ve said too much already.

Um, they just put up a web poll to ask whether the break will be caught. You can vote “yes” or “no”, oddly “Hitler will do a triple toe loop in Hell first” isn’t on there. I think I’m just going to go with my heart and go with a totalitarian dictator theme tonight.

MMM-kay, I’m going to need to fast forward until the catch.

Here’s a Cavendish interview. Seems his chances at winning at home in England was ruined by an Englishman, so very ironic…

Here’s the second sprint for the leaders, the Agritubel guy goes for it as he has to make enough money for the team to be able to sleep indoors tonight. Sadly he doesn’t make it. He can look forward to spooning 8 other Spaniards in the local KOA.

They’re showing some Belgian beaches now, so do those beaches get used, what, 5 days a year?

It looks like SAAB will be winning the prize for “most repetitive ad campaign”. I, fortunately have the miracle of Tivo to save me from that nonsense.

Oy, a Discovery spot. Johan is saying how they feel confident in Levi leading the team after Basso got popped for Puerto. He doesn’t seem to weep at all when he says that.

Looks like there’s some rain now in Belgium, I expect the Belgians to do well – I expect the Spaniards to soil themselves.

Here comes a Thor SMASH interview. If he actually mentions the term SMASH, I will die a happy man. “Robbie is no larger than my femur; I will SMASH him at the next opportunity.” I’m paraphrasing, of course.

About 50k to go, just scanning for crashes until 30 k to go.

Oops, here’s a Boner spotlight. Hee hee, that will just never get old for me. He wins a lot, he’s 26, and he’s so very pretty. I will never stop calling him Boner.

Here’s a crash at a roundabout. Just a CSC stop and drop. Schleck fell and his bird-like bones didn’t shatter to pieces – a good sign I suppose.

VS is throwing me off when they show the miles to go, I’ve become so used to kilometers. Either that or the beer is clouding my comprehension.

25K to go, about 2 minutes to the break. Looks like Predictor Lotto is working. The break’s chances are near the chances of an Italian toy company coming out with a Mussolini piñata. I might be out of options for dictators – who can spell Ceausescu anyway?

20K to go, Robbie Ventura talks.

I wonder how Freire is feeling? He was 7^th yesterday, and today isn’t really his sort of weather. Unsunny, that is…

15K to go, and Rabo, Quick Step, Lotto, and Credit Agricole are at the front. That should do it for the break. Team Agritubel’s mechanics begin erecting their pup tents. Boy does that sound dirty.

15 seconds at 6K to go. Not really so good. Perez attacks the break. Can anyone tell me why Euskatel has that orange diaper shape on the back of their bibs? The only thing worse than that is the Saunier Duval “crotch heart”. More painful obsession on that in days to come.

3K and we have the catch. Let’s see if the Quick Steppers can push Boonen over the line.

I can’t see Thor SMASH. OOf big old pile up! Looks like a wheel touch. Look out Thor SMASH! That pretty much clogs the road to the finish.

T-Mob at the front now, about 20 guys left. Looked like a green jersey guy got moved and caused a chain reaction. Norway weeps!

Now Quick Step is at the front.

Steegmans barely beats Boonen. According to their team plan? Um, plus sized ladies’ underwear now shower the finish?