<i>I will be out of town for the first three stages of the Tour this year. So we will try something different this year. The first three stages will be open source smart ass. Feel free to type your own snarky commentary. Remember – these guys are European, so chances are good they’ll never see you in person.</i>

We are about to embark on one of the wildest and wooliest Tours in recent memory. The last few grand Tours have been very unpredictable, and it seems the era of the “robo-victorys” are over. Guys will have good days and bad days and those who can survive will prosper.

Everyone who’s making prediction this year is pulling these contenders out of their crack shadows. No one can predict who will win – I will go out on a limb and say Moreau won’t win, but that’s like predicting the sunrise. I have a feeling Vino will win, but who knows? And since I will be gone on a vacation for the first few days of this year’s Tour, I have to write this preview waaaay in advance. So barring any Puerto-related shenanigans or training boo boos or “stomach problems” or cases of digestive distress brought on by bacteria encrusted hotel buffets, this is the way I see things happening.

<b>The Contenders:</b>

Vino
After getting uber-boned last year, Vino will have a team with loyal Kazakhs to aid him in his assault on the Tour. Granted he will have Godefroot trying to sportif him into 4th place and Kloden will chase him down (heaven forbid Kloden actually attacks anyone not on his team), but Vino will probably not be listening to the old earpiece and if he can’t drop Kloden, he might as well just not show up. And if there’s drama on the team, who do you think the Astana guys will choose to ride for? Perhaps the guy with effigies built of lard and other animal products to celebrate his glory in village squares all over Kazakhstan maybe? I’m still on the fence as to whether I go “Borat” on the Astana guys – seems kinda hack-y – not like the usual high brow stuff I churn out .
Vino running jokes: his oversized head that perplexes helmet makers. His propensity to attack at the drop of a hat.

Sastre/Schleck/Zabriske
I’m putting all of these guys together, because if they were one guy – they’d be awesome! Taken individually, I don’t see any of them prancing up to the top podium spot. Sastre attacks, but his TT-ing is a liability, Schleck is a big ditto there, Briske can TT, but he has troubles on big climbs – 5th place in the Dauphine notwithstanding. It’s a pretty hilly Tour so I’ll give Sastre the edge out of the CSC crew.
Running jokes: Zabriske talking. I foresee lots of “feed Schleck” lines coming…

Valverde
“I’m putting him here just to try and sound smart; no one knows what he’s capable of.” That’s the third year in a row I’ve cut and pasted that quote. Assuming there’s no Puerto legal surprises, Valverde will ride the Tour. He dropped out of the Daupine after getting a stomach virus that had him pooping all over France. Perhaps he will poop all over the Tour. With Vladimir “Ratt Roxx” Karpets and Ocsar “I’m kinda the 2006 Tour winnner, I think” Pereiro along, his team looks pretty strong. Maybe he’ll pay attention closely enough this year to finish.
Valverde running jokes: We call him the “Green Hornet”. Might have to start bringing up the hair thing…

Pereiro
He literally made it to second place in last year’s Tour because no one gave a hobo’s crap about his chances to place high on the GC. And you know what? They were right. Last year he came as Valverde’s bottle boy, this year will be more of the same. I expect to see Oscar greasing Valverde’s brakes.
Pereiro running jokes: He’ s whiney, and the luckiest podium finisher ever.

Karpets
I quiver with anticipation at Karpets and his “Geddy Lee bass tech” look getting onto the TDF podium, but the Dauphine is nowhere near what the Tour is. Plus, there’s no way he wins a Grand Tour until he ditches the mullet and goes a with a Rat’s Tail – it’s the haircut of champions! But he rides for Valverde’s team, so unless Pereiro succeeds in getting Valverde’s brakes greased, or Valverde forgets to pay attention again, he’ll be doing bottle duty also.
Karpets running jokes: Um, have you ever seen him?

Moreau
It seems like no one wanted to show too much form at the Dauphine – except Moreau. Cristophe rode his frosted tips off to win that race while Vino and Levi and other contenders played their card close. Bravo Chistophe! The race for tenth in the Tour begins!
Moreau running jokes: He always finished near tenth. He’ s French.

Linus
He won last year’s Tour de Swiss. This year he has been not so hot so far, and he will be Michael Rogers’ bottle fetcher. But he could be saving it up for his first Tour appearance, or he could be spending too much time gazing in the mirror at his pretty, pretty face. The “Linus is pretty and looks like Hillary Swank” cracks have just begun and I promise to drive that joke so far into the ground that the Earth’s magma will grow tired of it.
Linus running jokes: He’s a pretty, pretty man with Hillary Swank-ish features.

Evans
He doesn’t really attack, he’s good at TTs, but only the shorter 20-ish K variety not found in the Tour, and he hasn’t cracked a bone in a few years – so he might be due. Does any of this sound like things you would say about a Tour winner? Probably not.
Evans running jokes: His elf-ish features, his tendency to break his collarbone.

Levi/Contador
Just like last year, we’re mentioning Levi so we don’t hurt his feelings. He wins 10 day stage races, and that’s great, but he’s mostly a top 5 guy in 3 week tours. Plus he finished the Dauphine by shoving a curb up his butt crack.
Contador? Who knows? He doesn’t weigh as much as one of Thor’s morning constitutionals, but he might be able to pull off some mountain magic. He had a good spring, but that was months ago.
Levi running jokes: He’s short, bald and he’s not taken seriously – even on his own team. If anyone ever had a legit reason to sucker punch us in the neck – it’s Levi – that doesn’t mean we’re going to stop though.

Menchov
He can kinda stick in the mountains, and he can time trial, so you can’t count him out. Menchov fever – catch it!
Menchov running jokes: I got nothing here

Rogers
He can kinda stick in the mountains, and he can time trial, so you can’t count him out. Rogers fever – catch it!
Rogers running jokes: I got nothing here
Did you notice I just used the exact same text but did a cut and paste with Rogers’ name? Quality journalism!

<b>Green Men</b>

Thor
Thor’s SMASH spring was spoiled by a case of the runs, so he’s going to going for the green jersey. Barring any DQs or other such rulings, Thor SMASH has a great chance at green.
Thor running jokes: SMASH SMASH SMASH!

McEwen
Will the man known as both the Pocket Rocket, and the Scarlet Pimpernel get some stage wins this year? Of course he will. He’s got that burst-y speed that drives power sprinters like The Boner and Thor SMASH crazy.
McEwen running jokes: He’s tiny, and he named his son Ewen.

Friere
Oscar got chopped from behind at the Tour de Swiss and went down *gasp* on his back, so there’s no telling whether he’ll be able to frustrate the big sprinters like last year.
Freire running jokes: I’m very pro-Freire, as I appreciate the way he bunny-hopped and dropped Commesso like a bag of wolverine entrails at last year’s Tour de Swiss. I’ve been watching a lot of nature shows lately…

Boner
Poor Tom had a bad Tour last year, but he won so many other races last year, it didn’t really matter. This year is different. Quick Step didn’t win any classics this spring, so the pressure will be on the Boner for the Tour. I would feel sorry for him, but he’s a wealthy young guy who’s adored by a nation. It’s almost like I’m transmitting my spite through my keyboard. Can you feel it?
Boner running jokes: Boonen is pronounced in Belgium as “bonin”, hence the nickname “Boner”. Somebody’s gotta give him some grief for crying out loud! Reference spite related comment above…

<b>Anti-green</b>

Razzy
He’s so obsessed with weight, that he takes stickers off of his bike, and he looks like an extra from Nosferatu that couldn’t find the craft services buffet. What’s not to like about the guy?
Razzy running jokes: His weight, his TT-ing abilities.