Preview

Flanders time!

One of the most wonderful times of the year! In my younger days, I preferred Roubaix’s sadism to the bergs of Flanders, but I think I’m becoming more of a Flanders guy. I will always love Roubaix, but the random luck factor involved with Roubaix can be very frustrating. Plus, you get beered-up Belgians at every turn, and Belgian beer always tops French beer – this isn’t even a topic worth discussing.

So let’s get to this year’s favorites.

Tom Boonen

The Boner has marked the kobbled warm ups Dwars door Vlaanderen, Kuurne-Bruxelles-Kuurne, and the E3 Prijs Vlaanderen with his mighty man musk. In the E3, he used his team to drop dead weight off of the back of the race, and when it got to the climbs, he launched off of the front and stayed at the front of the race until Cancellara’s ill-advised sprint off with him for the win. Silly Fabian, enjoy second. The E3 was a little more tactical than that, of course, as the front group had to work until the line as there was a dangerous chasing group 30 seconds behind. So let’s recap, the Boner can use his team to punish the race, he can launch off of the climbs, he can work in a breakaway, and then win the race in a sprint. Now why would he be a favorite for the win…

Which brings us to his teammate:

Paolo Bettini

The Cricket is showing some great form despite his recently cracked ribs. He was bridging to the front group in the E3, when he had chain/derailleur issues. Bettini has stated his desire to win Flanders – which I’m sure went over like a fart in the frites in Flanders. A win for the Grillo is not a win for the Boner. Having both Bettini and Boonen on the squad makes Quick Step a very dangerous group of lycra stuffers. I get the feeling that Bettini will be held in reserve in case the Boner falters, which isn’t very likely. Plus it’s hard to win a race when the entire Belgian population is quietly willing your equipment to explode.

Fabian Cancellara

There’s going to be a great battle between CSC and Quick Step – Boner and Bettini vs. Fabian and Stuey. Cancellara did wait in the E3 for Stuey to bridge, and then the Boner knocked Stuey right out of the front group on the next berg – classic. So maybe there will be some sort of “you killed my partner – you bastard” type scenario involved here, but that’s probably just my cop-show skewed world-view coming into play.

Oscar Freire

Oscar has won at San Remo and Brabantse Pijl, so he’s got some form on right now. For some reason, he’s always seemed a little too fragile for Flanders, but this year he could pull it off. Plus, I just love Freire. He rides like a madman. And if you don’t like Oscar Freire, I don’t see how we can be friends. Sure, we can walk by each other in the hallway and we’ll say “hi”, but we’ll never really connect, you know?

And if he wins, we have the bonus scenario of the Spanish fans asking, “The Tour of Flanders – that’s like a Tour de France, no? We have another Indurain! Oh, it’s a one-day race – never mind.”

Other mentionables:

Ballan

He has Bennati to counter any moves he makes, and he just won De Panne, but I just don’t see him surviving the attack of the Boner.

Pozzato

He won Het Volk, and won San Remo last year. But he did benefit from the Boner-attzi that were lined up behind Boonen when he won San Remo. He‘s been riding well this year, so he needs to be included in the discussion – there, he’s been discussed.

Nuyens

Mentioning Nuyens fulfills the contractual obligation to mention guys who are having a strong early season, and have an outside shot at wining.

Stijn Devolder

There’s a couple of schools of thought this year about handling the Boner, one is to react to his moves, the other is to get out ahead of him – let’s just say Devolder is the most out-ahead of all the out-aheaders. Devolder attacks Boonen sitting under the hair dryers at the depart village beauty salon. That’s a joke, there’s no beauty salon – just a moussing station.

Philippe Gilbert

Gilbert is Devolder’s partner in the early race hijinks. I always imagine Philippe looking over and saying “This is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into, Stijn. And then he whacks Devolder over the head with his helmet.”

Juan Antonio Flecha

I just love Flecha, he has a good chance to pull off a surprise victory. Quick Step and CSC will be stalking one another, and they will have to account for Freire, so Flecha may be able to slip away. Do you think Boogerd will be wearing a “vote for Flecha” t-shirt?

Leif Hoste

Leif’s talked some pretty big talk since last year’s podium finish, when he conveniently forgot which team he was riding on and dragged Tom Boonen to the finish, but let’s be honest here – Hoste won’t be the same when he’s playing the role of team leader. It’s one thing to quack about supporting your team leader, it’s quite another to slap on a race number ending in one. Robbie’s got the runs so he’s also not going to have the sprinter card to play either. Plus, he’s recovering from early season pelvis problems. Ok, that sentence made me giggle – pelvis…

Every Belgian in the Race

This is Flanders! Every frite chompin’ son of a Stijn will get Ronde fever and take a run at the front – that’s why it’s so fun to watch. I still think it’s going to be the Boner winning, though.

The Race

It’s Sunday night and I’ve just realized that Versus has decided to show 1 hours of Flanders which is really just insulting, so I’m going to try and get through the cycling.tv coverage without throwing my laptop through anything too valuable.

My computer clock reads 8:32 EST, let’s just see how long it take to get a stream. Pretty quick really, I’m going for the highlights section 2 as I don’t have all night and the race will begin at the Kwaremont anyway. AHHH, don’t look! Avert eyes! The count down K reads 38 – too early! Let’s just close that window and open again, shall we?

I’ve got some Hoegaarden to watch the race with – there’s nothing like popping a hoe – and yes, I do love saying that.

Mmm, the old browser window is showing a blank screen at cycling.tv. Awesome. I close it and elect not to send an alert to Microsoft. So this is how it’s going to be… Almost makes me miss Al Trautwig discussing soft cheeses – almost.

Another browser window, another try, internet broadcasting is awesome! Buffering, buffering…

8:51 – 19 minutes of fun so far – no bike racing yet, glad I paid that premium subscriber fee, and I’m also glad they renewed it for me automatically, that’s very convenient.

Ok, back to the “watch now” screen and we’re back to Part 1. After a lovely Glory Cycles ad that I will soon be able to recite in my sleep, the action starts

Anthony is giving his intro/leg hump build up, let’s test the FF button. 124K to go and the play button reacts as quickly as a Kennedy cousin at a drunk stop.

Bettini working on the Molenberg at 117k to go, hmmmm. Playing a little worker bee role there, that does increase his chances of leaving Belgium alive.

Hopeless group of about 7 or 8 at the front with 8:32. Another Gerolsteiner off the side of the road with a bike just snapped in two, robbing me of another opportunity to remark about their light blue pixie costumes.

I’m going to fast forward to the Kwaremont, as these guys are out front at about 7:45 – how did Devolder miss this move?

Oops, Fabain gets caught in a crash at around 90k to go, doesn’t look bad, he checks his hair and gets back in the race.

Oy – another big lay down. Looks like some guys got crinkled against the side of a van, a CSC is down and he looks a little out of the race.

I could type the names of the guys in the break, but in the time it takes to figure out who they are, they’ll be caught. I am sooo professional.

88k to go, it’s getting to Kwaremont time. Time for the Quick Step crew to get their lead out train set up, time for the Spanish teams to search out the best places to climb into the team car.

5:47 at the Knockwurstberg, the break is looking like a loosely organized group of feral sloths.

Guys are hitting the dirt all the time, makes you realize how often they have to hit the ground before they get to the finish.

CSC and Quick Step hovering near each other at the front like opposing gangs of Amish at a barn raising.

5k to Kwaremont, and we have a fellow dressed like the pope with a Santa beard. St. Alcohol?

The guys at the front are chatting, the guys at the back are wobbling like the wheels on a clown car.

T-Mobile is at the front about 5 kilos from the Kwaremont. Time to drop some dead Svens.

Another crash. Wegmann from Gerolsteiner went down, he won’t be able to finish his short program.

Oy, Zabel is down and looks very wobbly, he’s asking to be taken to the T-Mobile bus.

Van Petegem is near the front now, he radios back to see if Boonen needs a back rub.

T-Mobile doing the work on the Kwaremont. Burghardt looks good, but he’s also wearing white sunglass frames before Memorial Day.

The Kwaremont poops more off the back than off the front, but not a lot of decisiveness.

Paterberg coming up, we’ll see if T-Mobile is feeling frisky again. They are wearing “magenta” – I’d feel frisky wearing skin tight “magenta” in public.

Bettini and Quick Step at the front with Cooke there also, Baden gives Paulo a hook for old time’s sake.

Number 236 is Salvatore Commesso, no gun show yet today. And Commesso is in my laptop’s dictionary, along with “pathetically obsessed.”

Steegmans is near the back of the race, robbing the Boner of another compatriot. After all the work Tom’s did for him in De Panne.

Nice little hand sling there at the back of the race. Euro skillz. Skillz is also in my dictionary, next to “poser.”

The break still insists on staying off the front – they are at 4:20. Guys that get the munchies just giggled.

Have I mentioned that I miss Bob Roll? No? Wonder why…

64 k to go, Quick Step to the front, Boner sitting second. That sound you hear is the frantic panting of Flemish housewives.

T-Mobile guy slides out before the train tracks – I’ve done that! I am very pro.

Quick Step at the front to cover any of Bettini’s attacks.

There he goes! The Boner is right behind, looking like a Freightliner drafting a Civic.

Van Petegem falling off of the back, perhaps The Boner will have a cameo for him in his next commercial for bikini wax?

Hulsmans flying the flag for Quick Step at the front, hoping to be the next Servais Knaven.

Paolini hits the dirt in a corner, Pozzato loses another pal.

Those guys are still at the front, I still refuse to type their names – researching the damnded is for suckers.

Disco just got to the front before they get to the Boinking-berg. Boinking, hee hee…

Not a whole lot going on right now. Boonen whitening his teeth…

Paolini is back at the end of the race, he should be as fresh as a litter box at a crazy cat lady’s house.

CSC putting some speed to the front, as there are even guys from Skil still around.

48 k to go, Fabian and Stuey pop off the front with the Boner. Liquigas chasing it back. Boonen prepares for Bettini’s counter attack.

The Boner gives Steegmans a look that says, “I’ll be back here, hold my place up there. Can anyone get cell phone reception here?”

Remember the break? Some Skil guy just attacked it. I still refuse the type out those names.

Stuey off the front of the chasing group, he’s up there with Boogerd and some others.

Crash, and it looks like the camera moto just tried to shove a Predictor guy’s bike right up his digestive tract.

The chase group has 2 Quick Steps, Stuey, Hoste, Boogerd and Bennati with Bettini and Gilbert coming across at 39 k.

Is Boonen in the bathroom?

Disco chasing as Devolder misses Gilbert. They get to the chase group really quickly.

Stuey hits it on the Valkenberg with Bettini right behind and everyone else is there.

Devolder attacks with less than 200 k to go!

Cancellara at the front with a Boner drone on his wheel. Fabian flips his elbow for Steegmans to pull through, Steegmans reminds Fabian he’s a Belgian on Tom Boonen’s team.

Cancellara catches the break and goes through it like Mexican water through a bus tour group. On fire!

They group up at the front behind Cancellara. Steegmans holds Fabian’s wheel and in doing so, keeps his job.

Devolder and friend in no man’s land in between the break and the pack.

Cancellara surprised that Steegmans won’t pull through. Um, really Fabian?

Predictor working for Hoste, dragging Devolder back. Stijn regretting not attacking with 250k to go.

Cancellara dragging about 9 guys around at the front.

That’s Steegmans not behind Cancellara for about 15 seconds. Oops.

8k to go to the Muur, can Fabian lose Gert? Does that sound like a line from a soap opera?

Predictor chasing, Boonen will have to remember to send them a nice bouquet of flowers. Is it daisies that say, “Thanks for the win?”

I do like Fabian putting the race out in front of the Boner though. Looks like he learned a little lesson at the E3, silly Fabian, don’t try to out sprint the Boner!

Cancellara is carrying more dead weight than the Styx tour bus.

10 seconds to the break before the Muur. Here it comes.

All together before the Muur, here is everybody.

Boonen guns it with a line of hopefuls on his chamois.

Ballan comes around Boonen. The Boner is bogging down. Ballan gets a gap. Hoste is trying to get to Ballan to protect his second place from last year. The Boner is looking not so fresh. We’ll have to see how the Bosberg shakes out.

They are blasting through the streets now – nice.

Hoste throwing it down now. Boonen looking mildly crappy, will Bettini attack?

Pozzato makes a move before the Bosberg. If there’s a time to drop Boonen – it’ now.

Scheirlinckx makes a move, and Bettini attacks! This would make it 3 Italians at the front. That noise you hear is the entire country of Belgium going, “Noonan!”

Ballan gets a little moto love.

Bettini seems to have disappeared. Hoste is going to have to take Ballan out at the finish to maintain Belgium’s dignity.

9k – 22 seconds, no one wants to drag Boonen to the finish, um, because, he’ll beat them…

The race is splitting like a nerd’s lip. Boonen does not look good.

5 k – 17 seconds – it’ll be a close one.

Hoste working hard at 4 k to go. Kroon and Vaitkus chasing, but it looks like a big group could get together for the finale ho-down.

Should be time for some Quick Steppers to get to the front.

2k to go, let’s see what Hoste and Ballan do here – no time to play.

Um, why are there 2 race official cars in the finishing straight? Flecha isn’t sprinting…

Hoste gets played by Ballan who comes around at the last second.

Nice, am I upset Hoste ended up second? Not really.

The Boner isn’t even in the top ten – ouch.