Milan dan Remo

We had exactly one request for a journal of Milan San Remo, so I’m taking customer service to a new level here at NYVC and fulfilling this one poor soul’s wish. And no, I will not be taking any more requests, especially those that recommend I never write anything ever again. That being typed, let’s get to the preview of the race.

Firstly, I should say that the Classics are my favorite bike races to watch. There’s no transition-day heroes winning gift stages (ahem, Commesso and Pereiro); there’s no GC positions to protect; no one is there to “race into shape”: and there are no climber’s jerseys. Everyone is there to ride out of their skins; it just doesn’t get any better.

Emma is running a 101.7 right now, so she has run of the family TV (the one that holds the Tivo bike racing goodness), and her choice is “The Sound of Music.” I will have to wait her and Julie Andrews out. Has anyone ever made it to the end of “The Sound of Music”, anyway? The movie is like 4 hours long, that’s a lot of Von Trapp. “so long, farewell, auf wiedesen, good night…” Also, I would put my chances of spelling “wiedesen” at exactly zero.

I have been avoiding any spoiler information all weekend, as I hate watching races I know the ending to. I have been successful, so that means I will be doing my preview without the aid of cyclingnews and the start lists or even proper spellings – of anything.

San Remo is traditionally a sprinter’s race, well, recent tradition anyway. It used to be that the Poggio was enough to send chubby early season pros off the hound’s ass of the race, but now racers are getting in shape earlier and the hills aren’t as decisive as they used to be. Pozzato’s surprise attack win last year was the first non-sprint finish in a long time, and etiquette would’ve demanded he send at least a very nice bouquet to Boonen’s room after the race, because without everyone worrying about the Boner last year, there was no chance he was going to get away.

Which bring us to the returning champion’s chances. I would have to say Pozzato’s chances of a repeat this year are pretty much zero. He took advantage of Boner’s ass stalkers last year and he was able to stay away as Quick Step wasn’t going to chase down their own guy. Plus, if he tries to sprint it out on the Via Roma this year, the sprinters will hand him his man perm in a burlap bag. On aside note, did Pozatto borrow Pelizotti’s curling iron? Is there room enough on Liquigas for two Italian porn perms? These are the questions I want answered.

Next up is the other Italia hopeful – Petacchi. The Boner won four of six stages at Qatar against the speedy parrot aficionado, so that doesn’t bode well for Petacchi’s chances. If it comes down to a race between the Milram moo moo choo choo and the Quick Step Boner Express, I would have to side with the Tomcat.

Then there’s the mighty Thor SMASH! I have heard from a Norwegian insider that the thunder god has the trots, so he’s probably out for MSR. I was hoping that this would be his year for the Classics; because he won Ghent-Wevelgem last year and he’s getting better at longer distances. I had high hopes for him at Paris-Roubaix this year, so he’d better get off the porcelain throne of the gods and get to SMASHING!

Robbie McEwen has been mentioned as a potential winner. The Pimpernel has a lot of pop for sure, but he mostly takes wins in stage races over shorter courses. But if there’s one guy that makes the Boner and Petacchi wet their chamois, it’s McEwen. He doesn’t require a long, drawn out lead out and he can sneak through almost any space at the end of a race as he can fit into water bottle. Big sprinter’s hate this guy. But Milan-San Remo seems a little out of his distance range.

The Boner has to be a favorite in a race that he can have his lead out train control. Bettini cracked some ribs at Tirreno-Adriatic, so we really won’t have to deal with the whole Cricket/Boner controversy. I have a feeling that the Quick Step train might be a little tuckered out after 300k of Boner controlling, and even Steemans might not be enough to control the end of the race this year. And you will have to wrench my “Boner” nickname for Boonen from my cold, dead laptop.

Which brings me to my favorite for the win this year, Oscar Freire. I really like the way Freire rides, and his curb hopping move to drop Commesso like a sack of moist cat food at last year Tour de Suisse was my favorite move of 2006. Freire has been showing some form this year and he has support with his faithful Flecha by his side. If the sprint gets hectic at the end, Freire can ride through spokes to get to the finish first.

I will now return to best Oscar winning, singing nun, Nazi musical of all time.

I forgot to mention that Stuey is pretty red hot right now; he has a half chance at a breakaway.

Coverage starts, they mention Unibet not being able to be Unibet. Of course they can’t be Unibet in France because they aren’t the national paramutual betting company that sponsors the green sprinter’s jersey. Oh, and the Tour organizers approached Unibet to be a Tour sponsor a few years ago. The French are so complicated.

If I were a better person I would just be thankful to watch a bike race, and not complain about the goofball network that butchers the coverage, but I’m not a good person in that way. I am good with children, though.

It’s raining and we have a little crash. There’s a Credit Agricole guy curled in a ball. You can hear Petacchi’s buttocks clench here in New Jersey.

Saunier Duval guys are chasing back to catch on, like it’s going to matter.

Ok, they’re slamming in some TA coverage here, I figure 2 minutes per stage should cover it. TA this year was more known for the crashes than for who won. They show Bettini’s crash – nasty. Looks like he kabonged a road sign. Oh wait! I forgot, Kloden won! And Toto won the climber’s jersey! I can only surmise that the Italian terms for “ham” and “summit” are deceptively close…

Are they going to show mighty Sal in his climber’s jersey? C’mon – show it! Does that jersey come with sleeves? These early season races and their chilly temperatures rob us of the opportunity to enjoy the Commesso “gun show.”

I’m just going to go ahead and acknowledge my co-writer tonight, the lovely and talented Chianti. Bob Roll just called Pellizotti the defending champion; perhaps he has the same co-host as myself?

OK, I’ll just get it out of the way. Bob Roll was a good, not great bike racer, and he’s a passable broadcaster at best. If I were him I would be doing research night and day to be able to keep my butt in my seat as a race announcer, and yet it seems he’s too distracted making turquoise bar ends or other such nonsense to actually know who’s in the race. This bugs me to no end. There – lady Chianti has spoken her mind.

Phil just mentioned Sean Kelly’s win in 92, I think it was. Personally my favorite MSR of all time. A great video to buy, I would also recommend “High School Musical”. Wait, did I just type that?

This rain is going to make the race very interesting if it holds to the end. Petacchi hates the rain.

McEwen interview: “I lost Steegmans, but Freddie’s good.” Um, yeah, sure.

Three guys off the front, they have the same chances of winning as I have of winning a Pulitzer.

Stuey interview snippet, he basically says he needs to try something other than sprinting The rain could really help a move like that, and the rain makes the Spanish guys look longingly at the team cars.

There’s an over head shot of the Boner in the crowd. That sentence makes me giggle. If I were to compare the Boner to an American athlete, because, you know we’re American and we can’t understand anything unless it’s put into terms we understand. I would have to say he’s like a Belgian Tom Brady. Very likeable, very marketable, young and successful – and you wonder why I like to call him “Boner.” Mmmmm, spite…

Any chance we get a shot of the holder of the TA climber’s jersey? Mr Salvatore Commesso!

I will say it again – Pozzato has no chance. No matter what Wegelius says.

Looks like a couple of Gerolsteiners out, I would say something snarky about their viciously feminine uniforms, but the guy is not getting up. Hope he’s alright. It’s David Kopp. Poor bastard.

Bettini profile: “I have broken ribs, I am at best a decoy today. No one will fall for this. I would also like to ask Michele Bartoli to bite me.”

Another crash, it’s a tangle of bikes and Frenchmen. I guess they don’t tow cars in Italy. Anyone with money on Petacchi will be making a call to their bookies to say they meant to say “Benatti.”

30k 38 seconds to the front group at the Cipressa, and a Liquigas rider nearly rides up the tailpipe of the camera moto. He gesticulates, as required by Italian law.

Caught behind the crash, Bettini seems popped on the Cipressa – anyone shocked by this?

VS realizes that we all Tivo these races and they are putting Phil to work pumping our legs for the America’s Cup. Bikes, sailboats, same difference.

Voeckler off the front trying to get a little Italian TV love. Oops, it’s over.

Let me just say that I find the Liquigas crotch chevrons to be the most disturbing development in cycling yet this year.

There’s the Voeckler suffering face that the French ladies love so much.

Well, we got Liquigas, Quick Step and Lampre at the front – guess whose sprinters haven’t been dropped yet?

Petacchi right on the Boner’s wheel. That view might not change.

Pelizotti bawm chicka bawm bawm is off the front for a little, I have to pause the Tivo as I fear it may not last long. There can be only one man perm on Liquigas!

A Gerolsteiner comes up – I love how every random Italian will take a shot at this race.

Popovich comes up to the leaders. They will need a really wet finish to last. Popo voids his bladder on the line thought a tight corner.

OK, these descents are awesome.

Holy crap! The Gerolsteiner guy spoons a post at descending speed! Oh lord! That’s worse than the Theisman broken leg footage! I have to rewind and see again. OW! Thank god that wasn’t his head. He’s not going to walk that one off. Medic! Moletta hit that pole hard! Just missed head butting that one. Oy, his arms and legs seem to be moving, thank goodness. I am robbed of another opportunity to mock their ice-dancer-esque uniforms.

Oof, well, back to the race. Pelli bawm chicka bawm bawm and Popo have 10 seconds before the Poggio. I would say they have no chance. Maybe Pelli is playing decoy for a Pozzato counter. If I were Pelli, I’d just say “screw it” and put it all down. Because there can be only one man perm.

We’re just killing time until the Poggio. So let’s talk about hockey!

The two chaser are caught – no surprise there.

Quick Step chasing, we will see tired they are. Maybe the Boner can promise them a guest spot in his next Belgian man tan formula commercial.

Gap’s up to 26 seconds. CSC near the front too. I really hope Stuey launches.

Bettini on the Boner’s wheel, waiting to attack him – wait am I allowed to write that? Stupid Chianti, it’s like truth serum. Delicious, delicious truth serum.

Quick Steppers chasing, gap not shrinking yet. 12 k to go.

If Pellizotti bawm chicka bawm bawm wins, Pozzato has to shave his head, correct?

10 k to go, it’s going to be close. Oh, wait, it’s not going to be close at all. Cutting and pasting the inevitable Pozzato counter right now.

Boner about fourth with Freire right behind. C’mon Oscar! The Boner’s guys are tired!

This is going to be a great finish, whether it’s a sprint or not.

Popo jumps again. It’s close. Not over the top yet. Seems like it’s up to Quick Step to close it.

Tinkoff and Quick Sep drag him back, there’s a split at the front.

3k to go – the field is split like plumber’s pants.

Ricco up at the front with Gilbert and Kessler. Bettini pulling the field. Here comes the descent – this is awesome! They’re going to have to surf the curbs to the end.

CSC pushing. Now Bettini is pulling at the front with Lampre behind. It’s time to go.

If Gilbert and Ricco get cute at all at the front, they’re done. They just have to gun it. Oscar sitting around fourth in the group.

Phil says Ricco said he would attack on the Poggio, that quote can also attributed to about 45 other riders…

9 seconds. They are off the descent. Damn they are close!

Lampre pulling like a salty taffy.

Gilbert looks around at Ricco – not a good sign. They’ve got about 50 meters to play with.

It looks like they’ll catch them. Oscar is still in it. The trains are going to be tired. Milran at the front, can the milkmen deliver? Can you believe I just typed that?

It looks like a dream run in for Petacchi and the Boner. Oscar fifth.

Milran has a couple of guys to run the front.

YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!! Oscar takes it! He played the milkmen like a fiddle. Zabel ahead of Petacchi – ouch. Can anyone tell me why I don’t wager on this stuff?