Today
is a classic transitional stage, which is appropriate as Liquigas’
Manuel Beltrán will also be transitioning to life inside French prison.
I can’t risk Googling anything today as I’m watching this stage on
Tivo, and I don’t want to ruin the surprise. I’m not exactly sure, but
I think that there’s laws against sporting fraud in France, so Triki
may be due some jail time? Come to think of it though, no one else
that’s been popped for doping at the Tour has been incarcerated –
except Raimondas Rumsas’ wife, of course. That had to be an awkward
reunion, “Thanks, honey, for the time to myself – and it really was
liberating having French lady prisoners watch me shower – I feel so
free about my body now! You complete me.”

So
is this Triki thing a big deal? He is a minor racer at the ass end of
his career; his team will probably not be kicked out of the Tour and
charged the 100,000 Euro fine for being bad, but of course, he is an
ex-teammate of Lance’s. That makes by my un-Google count, five
ex-Posties that have been linked to the old “dopage” now. I’m not sure
I can type any more about that without black helicopters emblazoned
with Texas flags showing up outside my house. I will be quiet now – I
promise. Can I have my beer back?

In
all likelihood, today’s stage will see some of the newfound French
aggression, followed by the chase from the teams that aren’t absolutely
fried from that last few stages. I expect to see good old Chavanel
taking another shot off the front with boy sidekick Tommy Voeckler in
tow, as they fight to scoop up KOM points, followed by a frantic chase
from Columbia.

Here
we are at the live coverage, and if you thought we’d have a Tour
without muddles footage of police cars running off with their weird
French

claxons blaring – you were wrong.

A man named Hummer talks about people being stupid.

They
re-show the Jegou crash where he hits the tree – that is just awful!
How he just got away with a fractured wrist is beyond me.

Today’s stage will be brought to you by Tivo, barley and hops.

Phil
talking about how Triki tried to get away from the people trying to
take his urine. How did that go? Were his pants around his ankles? Was
he waddling away from the testers?

I
simply cannot bear Bob Roll using the word “conceit” – it just puts me
off my game – like seeing a flock of cardinals building an effigy of
the Pope out of their own droppings.

Through the magic of Tivo, I am spared the pre-game banter.

Phil and Paul are in their hostage booth – Paul blinking out “We are being forced to talk to Bob Roll!” in Morse code.

Ooh, it’s raining! I love me some crashing!

It’s Lefevre out front of the race – another Frenchman! When will the world be spared from naked French aggression!

It looks like Cunego has bleached his hair, to, um, I really have no idea why…

Oy, Magnus got dropped from the race yesterday.

97
k to go, I might have to Tivo through to about 40 k to go. Let’s see if
we catch any crashes or “nature breaks”. Hey, you watch your Tour, I’ll

watch mine.

87
k to go, four guys up the road at 5 minutes, one of these guys has
aname, Txurruka, that actually hurts my cerebral cortex. My laptop is
smoking after I typed that.

Here’s
a Robbie interview. He says this has been a very sprinter-unfriendly
Tour – and he’s right. Few opportunities for SMASHing!

Here’s
the feed zone – time to hit the dirt! Oh, and our crashers today are
Bouygues Telekom, the winner in the office pool is Florence – who hates
Frenchmen.

A
sougnier (if I were sober, that would totally be spelled more closely)
piece here – how precise are Lovkvist’s tan lines? Freakish!

OK,
this is brutal, time to keep scanning. If VS would listen to me, right
now I’d be taking calls with my co-hosts David Zabriskie and Chris
Horner

and
we’d be making fun of Beltran, but nooooo, we get wet Frenchman at the
front of the race with no hope of a win. Just putting that out there VS
– time to get yourself straight.

Frankie
interviewing Cav – he’s quickly taking over the crown of “English
speaking guy who you might need sub titles for” from Sean Kelley.

Here’s
a Freire spotlight. He speaks English! I must admit I’m slightly
surprised by that. Mmmm, they show his bunny hop in the Tour de Suisse
that dropped Toto like a sack of churned butter. I never tire of that.

Here’s a Bob Stapleton interview – Frankie’s asking him about his favorite stag films. Just kidding! He’s talking about drugs.

It’s
stage 8 and I haven’t said anything about JV’s side burns. They, in
themselves, deserve an epic poem. Right now, the working title is
Shatner, add me to the crew.”

Crash! Jens and Ricco and Ciolek – who would win a popularity contest out of those three? Hmmmm…

45 k to go – Ricco chasing, grimacing – me, laughing, tittering.

Ok. Let’s Tivo to the catch, shall we?

23 k to go, CA chasing for the SMASH! Let’s see how these hills affect the

race here.

Liquigas also working at the front, Pozzato applying man tanner.

15 k to go, the front group has 41 seconds – which is the gap of the dammed.

Txurrruka attacks, drops an “r” from his name.

Frankie and Robbie tell us we have a wet twisty finish coming – how dirty does that sound?

11 k to go, nothing has changed.

Columbia
is chasing, Quick Step near the front also. Steegmans might have a good
shot today – thus pleasing his new Russian overlords.

This stage could end on a sprint or a mangle of bodies.

6-ish k to go, 19 seconds to the pack. Inevitable catch delayed.

5 k to go, will Kirchen lead out Cav?

Columbia at the front, time to find Cavendish.

Zabel
has moved up, to see his hopes dashed once again. Seriously, I can’t
see Zabel finish second again, it’s getting to be too hard.

Steegmans behind Cav – what kind of draft can his big old ass expect from Cavendish?

2 k to go the Columbia leadout goes haywire and they get swarmed.

Quick Step takes over – where the hell did that come from?

Here comes the corner of doom.

1
k to go, if you aren’t in the top 10, your chances at winning are akin
to the chances of me not urinating (or as Phil says ur-i-knotting) as
soon as

this stage ends.

Nice
– look that Cavendish go! In fifth place and he comes around all of
those sprinters. No one closes like Cav. He smokes Ciolek also. Oops.