Today
we have an hilly stage, with an uphill finish on the hill in Super
Besse, which is next to it’s forgotten sister city Above-Average Besse
– thank you – try the prime rib! The race goes over a category 2 climb
before the uphill finish, so some mayhem could happen there. The climb
up Super Besse could see some gaps opening, and could be a great chance
for Valverde to make up some time, as he left a big stinky trail all
over the first time trial. He showed he could accelerate like an
aroused meekat on stage one’s uphill finish, so maybe he will try that
trick again.

This
Tour has seen more French aggression than the Battle of Austerlitz, and
seeing all of these Napoleons all over the front of the race is a
little off-putting, like seeing a crowd of squirrels throwing dice, as
everyone knows squirrels are roulette aficionados. Which reminds me –
where do squirrels go to the bathroom? They are always up there in the
trees, but unlike birds – they never drop anything down upon the
world. You never hear of someone getting pooped on by a squirrel. Where
do they go to the bathroom? Do they do it inside the trees? Is there a
common squirrel defication area? This question really bugs me. I want
to know because I’m building a nice squirrel casino in my yard, and I
don’t want to offend their sensibilities.

Anyhoo,
the French riders are being very aggressive and very un-French this
year. They are hitting out early and their moves are sticking – what’s
next? Agritubel not reusing toilet paper?

David
Millar has been announcing that he would like to win on Super Besse
today, so now that everyone in the world knows his plan, perhaps he can
put it into action. Well played, David!

We’re
at the first commercial break and VS has already reminded us that our
sport is littered with cheating douche-bags. It’s the Tour on VS!

Let’s
see who has a shot at today’s stage – it’ s uphill and not too long, so
I would imagine that Valverde, Kirchen, Schumacher, the Schlecks,
Ricco, Cunego, Cadel, maybe Stijn, and almost every Spaniard in the
race all have a good shot at the win. How’s that for insight? Worth
every penny you pay, I’m sure.

The
coverage has started, and we have three Frenchman at the front –
shocker! Chavanel is there and he has a good chance of staying away,
and yes, I thought that I would never actually type those words in that
order. The words I thought I would type mostly about Chavanel were:
disappointing, overpaid, French, and sultry. This is really screwing
with my autospell.

So
SAAB thought it would be a good idea to make incredibly repetitive ads
(where they REPEAT the same phrase over and over again) and then buy a
media placement for the ads that put them in front of people like
myself who then watch those ads every goddamn day for 3 weeks? I have
already packaged a bowel movement to send to SAAB, but I just lack the
+4 zip code for their headquarters address, so if you can get me that
information, I would appreciate it.

Shouldn’t
Tommy Voeckler be in this break – if he wants to win the KOM and
preserve his place in the hearts of the French ladies?

Here’s
a JV interview, without a turtleneck! They are asking who he may sign,
JV says it may be someone who fits the culture at Slipstream. Is Tim
Gunn available? Make it work, Jonathon!

Here’s
a Cadel interview, he’s bravely going against the stereotype that
Australians are a fun-loving, affable people that wear snakeskin hats
and carry big knives in numerous position on their bodies.

Here’s
a VDV interview – I think he may be the guy I would like to see win a
stage the most, because he’s very likeable, and because we have some
very incriminating photos of him.

74k
to go, Cadel has a mechanical, he’s getting paced back to the pack. He
rides by and whacks one of the moto guys – who is obviously to blame
for his mechanical troubles. Once again, Cadel bravely goes against the
likable Aussie stereotype.

It’s
drizzling now, and Gerolsteiner is on the front working for Schumacher
and perfecting their toe loops. I am really going to miss the
Gerolsteiner jerseys, they were at the arrow’s point of the vanguard to
develop a completely un-masculine uniform, and next year their ice
dancers costumes will be gone forever. Perhaps there’s a Danish
feminine deodorant spray company (Un-staank – I’m looking at you) that
can supplant their current sponsor? Please?

"I’m going to get myself straight, ride my DR chipper over my own leg. The Tour on VS!"

The
Phil and Paul green screen thing is throwing me still – are they being
held hostage somewhere? I anticipate someone coming on after they show
them and asking for 1 million in unmarked bills.

Wow
– there’s a big human yellow jersey diorama in a field. Very nice – it
won’t compare to the wieners painted in the road in the mountains, of
course.

Is it just me or does it sound a little dirty when Paul calls George "Big George Hincapie"?

42 k to go, the Agritubel rider in the break is dropped like Ed McMahon’s credit rating.

Chavanel
almost to the top and the KOM points, will he keep riding after he gets
the jersey? They have about 1:24 on the pack, so I would imagine he
will not continue. And Caisse d’ Coin Slot is chasing.

Voeckler
jump for the 3rd place KOM points, he makes the face that launched a
thousand false French GC hopes. Did you know that KOM stands for
"competition that only French riders care about"?

25 k to go – Chavanel suddenly remembers his past Tour performances and goes back to the pack.

20 k to go – Bichot jumps off the front. Caisse d’ Ham Omelette is chasing for Valverde.

Caisse
d’ Jambon catches Bichot, let’s see if Valverde can avoid screwing up
the work of his teammates. Otherwise they may have to turn to Pereiro
for the team leadership -bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! Just kidding!

10 k to go, two of the hopeless attack.

Lots of little attacks here, a great chance for the French to sneak away again.

Pozzato getting spit out the back like a piece of squirrel gristle at the Agritubel team table.

We have Frenchmen jumping around like we’re at a Dutch disco.

Will Caisse d’ Monkey’s Paw be able to collect all these Frenchmen?

Efimikin is up the road, he can climb. Moncoutie is trying to bridge.

VDV jumps! Displaying his white crotch panel. C’mon Christian!

They have a small gap – maybe 10 seconds or so!

4k to go – c’mon VDV!

Piepoli
is up there with VDV – c’mon boys! It’s going to be tough for them, as
they have to get away from the Caisse d’ Crapbag chasers

We’ll
see what happens when the road goes up again, they have to get enough
time to stay ahead of the furious attacks that will be coming.

1.3 k – they are dangling out there like man parts at a nudist colony.

Ugh 1k, it’s looking ominous!

Cunego is popping like pop corn in a stag movie theater!

There’s a crash and Schumacher hits the dirt.

Ricco wins – confirming his non-leadership role on Saunier. I can’t wait to hear who he blames for his win.

Valverde second, repaying his teammates efforts to chase all freaking day.

We
will now see what the judges say about Schumacher’s crash – by the way,
who is the governing body of the Tour these days? Is it the French
association for the preservation of Frenchness?

Kirchen gets yellow, Schumacher gets French urine on his road rash.