The
whole depressing VS "backwards footage" ad campaign for this year’s has
got me down, so I got to thinking. What does the Tour need to really
connect with American audiences?And then it came to me – they need a
mascot! Granted, the Tour probably already has a mascot somewhere in
that huge caravan that goes before the race, tossing out product
samples and bumping pedestrians out of the way as they blaze their way
to Paris; but I think they need a more international symbol for the
Tour. Something along the lines of the great Olympic mascots of the
past, like Izzy, for example.

The
mascot needs to meet some requirements. Firstly, it should be gender
neutral – no cartoon bulges or curves here!. Secondly, it should be
unfailingly upbeat – even when delivering horrific news – and I plan on
having the mascot be the harbinger of doom – how can anyone stay mad at
a cute little cartoon? You can’t! And he only has 4 little fingers!

So,
without further ado – I bring you Fromaggi! He’s a plucky little wheel
of aromatic cheese who helps to point out details about the Tour as the
race goes on. He is also a bit of a philosopher, and enjoys sharing his
sometimes disturbing views on the human condition. I will be employing
Fromaggi as my "heavy" throughout the Tour, to help deflect criticism
away from myself. You can’t blame me, the little man made of cheese
said it!

So let’s get to the coverage today. Phil and Paul are still in their sensory depravation commentary tank.

Looks
like we have the obligatory three Frenchman breakaway, in year’s past
their chances would’ve been the same as the chances of me learning to
speak ant and negotiating a peaceful withdrawal of those pests from my
house, but currently my only alternative is to stomp them mercilessly;
as I imagine the sprinter’s teams will stomp these breakaway riders
today. But that’s only a guess.

Solar has abandoned, France rejoices as no one but Voeckler cares about the KOM points now!

"I’m going to get myself straight. I know it’s never too late. I’l lie in the tub and slit my wrists. The Tour on VS!"

"For the perfect balance of fuel efficiency and performance. We at SAAB command you to bow down before us. Obey!"

81k to go – this is going to be a long old stage today.

Here’s
a McEwen interview. He says the sprinter’s team will need to chase.
Ventura asks if Robbie will have any teammates to help him, the answer
to that is, "Only if Cadel

Valverde
smiles at the camera and gives a thumbs up, much like the captain of
the Hindenburg did before his flight to New Jersey.

A
Danny Pate profile here, do JV’s tank tops even have turtle necks? So
they are going to stretch out that one JV interview in his
camel-toe-colored turtle neck for three weeks? Just let me know, so I
can prepare myself.

Another
Bob Stapleton interview, he’s chatting about which riders he thinks
might be gay – just kidding! He’s talking about the doping program
again!

"I’m going to get myself straight. I know it’s never too late. To shoot my gun at passing cars. The Tour on VS!"

Here’s
Frankie interviewing Cavendish – he asks Cav about the Columbia leadout
order, if he gets a leadout from Ciolek, there’s no way he can lose,
no? And if you add Cav and Ciolek’s ages together, are they still half
the age of Zabel?

I’m really looking forward to a good old fashioned sprint today. I wonder who Robbie will head butt?

Paul mentions that this area is known as the "Mississippi of France" and is renowned for it’s famous wife swapping ceremonies.

Phil
mentions that someone is taking a nature break, I didn’t see it, but if
I were doing the commentary my reaction every time a Belgian whipped
out his pee-pipe would go something this, "LOOK! HE’S TAKING A WHIZ!
LOOK! LOOK! IT MUST BE COLD OUT THERE" And than I would get out the
telestrator and dissect the rider’s technique – this is one reason why
I’m not in television.

We
have a chateau shot, this particular chateau is used as a clothing
optional retreat for the ancient French order of skin tags.

33k to go, nothing has changed really.

I would like to "ask Bobke" where he gets his weed.

Here’s that repetitive SAAB ad, MUST URINATE IN NEIGHBOR’S BMW GAS TANK…

OK,
seriously, is the "I’m going to get myself straight" VS ad campaign the
worst ever? How did they advertise the AMC Pacer, "Sure it’s the most
un-masculine car every built, but you will enjoy the poor gas mileage
while the 800 pound doors silence the jeering taunts that you will hear
from passers-by." Was that campaign worse?

CA is chasing for Thor SMASH. The pack is clogged up like Kirstie Alley’s toilet.

19k to go. The break is trying to ride their bikes fast now.

Chavanel goes to the front to try and slow down the pack like Cat 4 style. Thor’s SMASH teammate gives him a shove.

11k
to go – 35 seconds. George has to make his way through the cars. he’s
moving up through the pack to collect Cav. This is going to be good.

Dammit! I was in the can and a Saunier guy hits an old lady!

5 k to go. The break is still holding on, it will be close.

4 k to go and the run in is tighter than nun’s knees.

And there’s the inevitable crash on the turn, a Gerolsteiner goes down.

Will Fabian try to pop off the front again?

Columbia looking around for Cavendish.

Oscar getting brought up

Gilbert up there – will he pop off the front, Fabian style?

1k Vogondy off the front, it’s going to close. France holds her breath.

Cav
wins it! Phil and Paul get it wrong and say it’s Ciolek. Here’s a
little secret guys, Ciolek bobs his head up and down like a Danish
speed metal drummer when he sprints – it’s nearly impossible to miss.

The
replay show Thor SMASH and Cav taking off side by side, and Cav gets
about a bike length on him in a very short time. Cav is one fast boy.