Tour day schmalz Stage 2

Yesterday was the first day of “shriek week” for the GC contenders. The first casualty of the mayhem was Mauricio Soler, who may have broken his wrist again. This is very sad, as he is a lot of fun to watch as he hunches his bike over the hills. Hervé Duclos-Lassalle also cracked a wrist and had to abandon, and then was mercilessly mocked for his hairstyle choice by some snarky fool on a Chianti binge – who could be so crass?

All the GC contenders made it through the first nervous stage. Chavanel lost about 31 seconds, but I’m not convinced he has a shot at the overall. Moreau also lost time, but I don’t think anyone is whizzing on the “Moreau for yellow” tree anymore. It looks like Christophe has some French competition for the Polka Dot jersey – which now seems to be the only competition the French care about. Tommy Voeckler is in the red dots, and he will fight like a Jello wrestler for every easy point on the road. We have yet to see if Moreau will battle to be the French climbing favorite, and we have yet to see if Agritubel can afford a custom polka dot jersey if he wins the competition. Maybe they can borrow an extra from Barloworld?

I think that we will see someone in the hunt for the overall get bonked out of contention this week by one of the finishes (are you paying attention Alejandro?), and while that may seem a little unfair; it does add another layer of excitement to these early stages. The GC guys have to watch any gaps in the finish much more closely than in years past. The contenders hate this. It’s stressful when you have to watch out for any gaps opened by gassed lead out guys falling back through the pack. It’s also stressful to get your man perm just right, but that doesn’t stop Pozzato – the man is a champion!

But let’s get to the coverage of today’s stage, shall we?

Today will be a classic sprinter’s stage, with a nice flat finish. It’s windy out, so we could have some splits in the peloton if some guys aren’t paying attention.

Phil and Paul are in front of the saddest looking green screen of all time once again it appears to be showing someone’s streaming web cam of the finish. This is a far cry from the cluster of talking heads we had at the start of each stage last year. How did they tell Bob Roll that he wasn’t making it to France this year? Did they tap a Morse code message at the drum circle at Burning Man? How did Trautwig find out he was not getting a trip to France this year? Did they sent him a “you suck-o-gram”?

Today I would imagine that Tommy Voeckler will be out front trying to snatch as many hill points as possible, he will then get about 2-3 minutes before calling it a day, returning to the pack and getting a back rub from the French public.

Ah ha! Voeckler and Chavanel are out front! Shocker! I can’t imagine them getting more than 4 minutes or so. The sight of the well paid Chavanel out front with the gutsy Voeckler will have Frenchmen spitting Chardonnay out between their teeth.

89k to go – they have 5 minutes, not that it matters to Voeckler, as he is only racing about 3/4ths of this stage today.

Solar is racing today, doing the broken bone shuffle – which sounds a little dirty.

Gilbert jumps to gets the last green jersey point, barely beating Thor SMASH to the line.

Today will show us who has sprinting form. I imagine if Columbia tries a lead out train for Cavendish, the effort may backfire, as Thor SMASH and Steegmans benefit more from a long lead out than Cavendish does.

Fabian has a flat, if he swipes away a win the last kilometer today, I will torch my neighbor’s car in celebration. Well, I will light a nice scented candle in the very least – which is very nice also.

Caisse d’ Dry Hump is chasing, no doubt very glad that Valverde decided to get that yellow jersey as soon as possible.

81 k to go – Phil and Paul have their work cut out for them. I anticipate a 10 minute epic poem about classic stag films from Phil, while Paul tries to avoid eye contact. Any time they want to call me to kill a little time they can – just throwing it out there.

JV interview crossed with Bob Stapleton and Doug Ellis and they are discussing men’s briefs – just kidding, they are talking about drugs – what else do those guys get interviewed about?

How did JV get Thurston Howel’s wardrobe? Didn’t all those ascots get soggy when the Minnow went down?

75 k to go and we have a feed zone crash. An Agritubel guy gets swiped. It’s Nicolas Jalabert – and he has to be pissed because he has to stop and pick up his ham sandwich off the road, as Agritubel only has enough meat to feed their guys once a day.

It’s starting to rain now. Voeckler and Chavanel have 3:11 over the group as they chug their way over the climb.

Chavanel goes over the climb first and waves to the crowd, probably unaware that they are cheering madly for Voeckler.

Pereiro helps Valverde get his cape on, somehow resisting the urge to shove him into the ditch.

A wet run in today could mean mayhem at the finish.

Valverde has his entire team around him to remind him to not fall on his ass.

Moreau gets the last KOM points, proving not much at all.

This stage is on the Tivo, so I can buzz past the commercials, but I catch a glimpse of a Saab spot in there – God help us all if they are again, “born from jets.”

A Valverde profile, is it just me or does Cadel look like he’s made of Silly Putty? And Carlos Sastre looks like Al Pacino’s dad. Dear God, what’s the Spanish phrase for “get off my lawn!”

“At Cervelo, we’re smug Canadians – and you’re not good enough to ride our bikes.”

How did Magnus lose 4:56 yesterday? Did he take a wrong turn?

A Julian Dean interview, the Garmin shorts have white crotch panels! Today’s wet stage will transform their team colors into “hairy.”

Lord, Moreau is up at the front with Chavanel and Voeckler, it’s the three way French break of the damned .

Today’s stage goes through the French region of Brittany, known for its crepes and its drifters.

I am so glad the High Road jerseys are gone. I’m sure the riders are glad also, as every time they went for a ride, strangers asked them to pump their gas.

The finish today will be technical, so it will be better for guys who have a lot of power at the finish. Hello, Fabian?

FDJ and Caisse d’ chicken heads are chasing. Gilbert could get away at the end of this race.

Anyone buying that break of 4 at the front? No?

Here’s Frankie interviewing Cavendish. How did Frankie manage to keep Cavendish from saying anything interesting? Cav tips Thor SMASH and Steegmans as favorites today – smart fella. Cavendish also has a good shot today, as a hectic finish will do him well if he’s well placed, but that is never guaranteed.

Moreau has an Agritubel teammate up in the break with him, if they stay away today; they get to sleep in the tent with sides!

I may just stop the Tivo during a DR Chipper commercial to get me revved up even more for today’s stage. Of course, in two days just seeing the letters D and R will make me want to floss my ears with a knitting needle.

It was bugging me, but I finally figured it out – the shots of Phi and Paul in the booth look like the “live remotes” from the Daily Show. It’s uncanny. Maybe Phil will tell a dick joke.

30k to go. In two weeks this break would have a chance, but today everyone feels frisky enough to kill the hopes of the French.

A Doug Ellis interview – he is careful to point out that he does not collect “dolls”, he collects “action figures.” JV confirms that they are, indeed, action figures. Hmmmm, is it wise to take swipes at a kabillionaire who could probably ruin me financially? That wouldn’t be wise, would it? Oh, Ellis says he like to keep his figurines in the original boxes! That sound you hear is my net worth dropping. And how badly does JV need a monocle to finish that ensemble? It would be the perfect touch.

Soler is in trouble at the back, very sad.

13 k to go Quick Step to the front. With a twisty finish, Fabian could really pull off a sneak attack today. I’m still working on my mix tape for

Fabian.

Whoa, there’s Bob Roll and a guy named after an anniversary present. Are they in France? They look like they are in an industrial park in Kansas. How in God’s name can coverage that involves those two be considered “enhanced?”

Credit Agricole up front for Thor SMASH! – hoping to thin out the herd.

10k to go, now it’s going to get fun.

4k to go, French hopes not yet extinguished.

The pack is strung out like a Winehouse family gathering.

3.3 k to go, Moreau insists on pumping France’s leg.

Quick Step are leading the pack, with Tom Boonen at home cheering for Moreau.

Chavanel jumps, seeing if he can raise the French hopes.

Freire right on the Quick Step train at 2 k to go.

Chavanel is still holding off the pack. It’s a rolling run in, not good for heavier sprinters, like um, someone who SMASHes…

They catch Chavanel and Cancellara jumps with 1.1 k to go! A crash at the back. No one interesting though.

Fabian has a gap!!! He turns around and calls the peloton a pack of poodle walkers.

Gooooo Fabian! Pozzato trying to come across, his man weave flowing in the wind.

Pozzato almost up to Cancellara, dammit, Fabian, drop that musk scented meathead!

The race is coming together and look who’s up there in 5th place. Get ready to SMASH! Thor SMASHES up on the right barrier! C’mon big boy!

And SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAA (wait, take a breath) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

There’s a substantial gap, we will have to see who gets screwed there.

So, is Thor SMASHED into yellow? Do they go according to finish points? Will those points count for upgrading?

Here’s Frankie interviewing Thor SMASH, “I was to liking to grind the tiny men to a fine dust, and then use them for a nice therapeutic tea for my mother.” I am paraphrasing a little, of course.