All of these words were nothing short of overwhelmed with joy for assuredly, they had never met one another in such a way.

by Eli

Just like that, all of the miles, all of

 

“Write your life story on one page, single spaced, 12pt font, Times New Roman, 1 inch margins.”

——————————

At first, I wasn’t planning on writing another article. But once I became privy to the overwhelmingly positive responses my last piece generated, I decided…why not. Give the people what they want. Fort Lee’s over (some European ex-pro won the race) and skinny-tire racing’s winding down around these parts so pickins are slim in terms of what to read.

 

I’ve received several fan mails with questionably-intentioned inquiries along the lines of, “who are you?”, “who do you think you are?” and “how did you come to be (in such a position to write such awesome posts)?” Some of them went so far as to presume to know me (“You’re a total tool and have no right to post here”). This one’s for you – lovers and haters alike. I didn’t stick to the one page format, but it’s not much different.

 

The history depicted on your screen was inspired by Robert Wilson Tarbox. He may be the IV in his lineage, but he’s first in my mind.

——————————

Considering the limited space I have to create enough of a masterpiece to serve all of your hungry appetites, I will skip “Eli Curt Fuld, the Early Years” in large. What I will say is that being born in Queens and growing up there is exactly as boring as it sounds. Moving to Jersey at age 10 is just as boring as that sounds.

 

Athletically, I began wrestling in eighth grade and stuck with it through college after trying my hand at little league fall ball (short stop), itty bitty basketball (shooting guard), squares (offense) and backyard bocce. For those of you following along at home, that’s 9 years of combative sports (I think that’s what it’s called). 3 years dubbed all-conference in high school, followed immediately by 4 years dubbed as the second-most losing wrestler in the NCAA. I think that the ABSOLUTE worst had only 2 wins. I had 3.

 

Through a far-less-interesting-than-this-post turn of events, I got mixed up with the wrong group of kids my sophomore year of college and began racing triathlon in 2010. I showed an aptitude for the run, and continued on in 2011, when I went to race in Iowa in the 5150 US championships. I placed ninth in my division. 2 days later, I tried out for the XC team and clinched the final spot on the team. Final, because I was slow. I enjoyed a spot on a championship team (that frankly, I didn’t deserve) as a point scorer while I trained exclusively for running. November time, I brought swimming and riding back into the fold. It was around that time that I visited The Cosmic Wheel (bicycle shop, in Ridgefield Park, NJ), as I was wont to do, and Michael Zak told me about Bikereg.com. I believe his exact words were, “why don’t you stop trying to be an athlete and try a real sport?”

 

So I did. In March of 2012, I signed up for every non-sabbath and non-passover race in the spring series. I think the amount of races was 9. The first one was in Central Park. I was all fred’ed out in my cervelo jacket and liquigas bibs beneath some running tights…along with my trigeek 80/110 wheelset. I made it all the way to Harlem Hill before being promptly dropped. My thoughts at the time: ‘Maintain your pace. They’ll blow up later in the race.’ It took me about 3 minutes to realize I was a total noob and this sport was much different than triathlon.

 

Next week, I came out in the cold and dark once more to get dropped at the same hill. As I rode the remaining 22 miles alone, scooping up other freds along the way, I observed my situation. With no mentor and no idea what I was doing wrong, I figured I just needed to ride more. So I did. By the time we got to Prospect Park a little later, I wasn’t getting dropped. I was finishing dead last with fire in my legs, but I was pack fodder and I couldn’t have been more proud. 2012 continued unceremoniously with one or two 3rd place finishes as I upgraded to category 4 for the last few races. I began to understand an impossibly small amount of what racing actually entailed. I think I rode something like 1,750 miles in 2012. Towards the end of the season, Ted Horwitz and co. accepted me onto Team Cosmic (now known as Team Cosmic – Carve Systems) and I headed into the off-season with a fire in my heart.

 

I was slow. I still am, but I was much slower and much weaker. I began riding with Michael Zak and Zach Koop who made sure that if I was going to ride slowly and be weak, there would be consequences. I quickly learned that if I wanted to play, I would have to beat myself into the ground over and over again. I did. I suffered while they laughed and sucked rubber on a near-daily basis, always fearful of being dropped, while they spun an easy gear. I went from being on par with the slowest Cat 5 to being one of the faster cat 5’s in the off-season. Once the season started and Bethel began, I continued riding with them and continued hurting. My butt butt was being handed to me over and over until one day, something clicked.

 

Just like that, all of the miles, all of the tips, all of the constant harassing I took from the Bash Brothers…overwhelmed me. Feeling good one day at an early race in May, I attacked and drove a 4 man break to victory, lapping the field in the process. I lost the sprint, but began to gain more of an understanding of the sport and myself. 2 days later, I tried it again at a Tuesday night training race and found that the 4’s were exactly what Skoop and Mike were saying all along: weaker than I was. Unfortunately, my tubular came unglued in a corner which sidelined me for a month (taking a large chunk of my fitness) and ruined that race’s breakaway, but I wasn’t to be deterred. The momentum was too great.

 

My targets for this season were the Rockleigh series and my category 3 upgrade, in that order. Being on a team was cool in that once a racer had established themselves as a viable contender in the GC, guys (such as Ivan) came out and worked with that racer. Because of the team’s effort, I was able to secure the yellow jersey and submit for my upgrade within 1 hour of each other. I never wore the yellow jersey during the series, but have it in my room and of that, I’m proud.

 

As a 3, I began to realize that I couldn’t play around anymore, because I was racing with 1’s and 2’s. My matches burned much more quickly and my matchbox shrunk tenfold in size. I managed to weasel my way to a 5th place finish but otherwise, came up empty the remainder of the season. It made no matter. I had completed what I set out to do and somehow snagged an upgrade point for my 2 upgrade. All in under 2 full years of racing. I was pleased with myself and decided to take some time to enjoy life outside of racing. So I called it quits early. I stopped racing in mid-August. And with goals that didn’t quite line up with my team for next season, I declared myself unattached heading into 2014.

 

*Equips flame-retardant suit*

 

Let me have it.


 

144 Comments

Killian Saddlebag

Eli will be a Cat 2.95 by then. And we’ll hear stories of how awesome it was to actually get flinged with flying boogers from a real pro (who rides for Team Vinnie’s Barber Shop and VCR Repair, and works part time at the Super Donut in Piscataway to make ends meet) while attempting to chase down the 2nd chase group that resulted from the $10 prime that split the field.

Live the dream, man. Live the dream.

Quarqy Thatcher

cause you are raising all the flags for getting popped for PEDs trying to dominate a crappy midweek training crit.

Quarqy Thatcher

curious how your goals didn’t align with your team’s. Did they want you to ride for someone more experienced?

Quarqy Thatcher

how do you go about declaring yourself unattached? is there like a form somewhere?

fake quarqy thatcher, i’m serious

joshua

Eli you’ve got chutzpah! Took some guts to get back on here after last time… I bet most of the losers attacking you would’ve never come back or even posted an article in the first place.

Eli to nyvelocity.com 4-ever

Dorian Skidmark

Pretty much spot on. Especially considering Eli is writing here because he gets no traffic at his own blog, and the feedback he consistently gets. Nevermind that this comments section is a total snakepit.

Corentin Chamois

Eli, why did you upgrade as soon as you got the leaders’ jersey at Rockleigh instead of sticking around a few more weeks to defend it?

Titouan Fork

like so many of you freds out there, what you really are lacking is an education of in the sport of cycling. i see all these riders coming into the sport with some illusion that they are good athletes. (some of them are). what they are not are good bike riders. instead of trying to extract information and knowledge from seasoned riders, these idiots try and buy success with every electronic gizmo available and then put on shoe covers throughout the summer just to look euro. concentrating on winning the jersey in rockleigh is a perfect example. if you are not riding that race as a training block, then it’s already too late for you to understand. my best advice for idiots like you,(my opinion is extrapolated from your inane writing) is to ride more (with specificity) and talk a whole lot less. …and stop writing on this site. your writing is also cat 5.

frederico Lorica

More interesting is the question of who is going to what team. Savory to Lupus, along with Oscar Pineda. Who else is moving around?

Eli

@Quarqy (real or not, whoever you are) – my team is, or should I say was, focused on developing strong 3 riders and is not CRCA. I am interested in a category 2 upgrade (2014, with God’s help) and racing CRCA races.

@haole – unattached CRCA racer or a team, yes. I liked being on a team.

@Quarqy (real, I think?) – no clue. I think I just did it? I guess I’ll contact Vandivort and ask him how to go about securing one of those coveted yellow jerseys.

@Corentin – series 1 was over. I didn’t get the jersey until the end of the first series. I was…shall we say “motivated” (what I’d call menaced) into a minimum of 10 races as a 3 by season’s end by my training buddies.

@Titouan – I believe the comma comes after “…inane writing)” and not “you”. But yes, you’re right. Delete of after education.

Tar Baby

Another way of saying it would be “I rolled a tubular” which is a euphemism for “I don’t know how to take care of my equipment” You sure you’re not a Cat. 5?

joshua

funny how everyone harshly criticizes Eli for rolling a tubular, as if they never made any rookie mistakes when they started cycling. Seriously, you guys need to look in the mirror and realize you’re far from perfect. Self-absorbed assholes

oh, sweet sassy mollassey

Much better, and big kudos for taking your licking and coming back. That’s the way to show grumpy old men like myself.

Good on ya.

Tar Baby

That’s why I asked if he was a Cat. 5. Rolling a tubuar is a rookie mistake for sure. If you talk like a Vet but act like a Rook you can expect to have Bullshit called on you. Anywhere at any point in this world.

Jens Brakepad

Chainring marks on your calf or showing up to a race wearing undies under your bibs are rookie mistakes.

Rolling a tire is unacceptable.

Not Eli

After Eli rolled his tire as described in the article he began racing crits on a traditional 32 spoke aluminum clincher to ensure it never happened again. Since then, he’s realized that wheels don’t make a huge difference in cat 4/5 races and especially in 123s being able to simply handle your bike and take corners are most important to staying safe. He learned that after being forced onto the grass a few times 🙂

Not Eli

When Eli makes a mistake he tends to learn from it and he’s smart enough to seek and listen to the advice of more experienced people.

sane man

Eli: Upgrading is fruit borne of successful racing, but not the goal. In this way it is similar to happiness.

As a side note, I rode a Gran Fondo this weekend, and I absolutely f’cking hated it. That was the worst thing I have ever done on a bike.

Jules Limit Screw

because it is most likely a hell of a lot more entertaining than caring about your awesomeness as a weekend bicycle racer

le sigh

Dan, Andy: If you guys have actually given up on this site, as it appears you have, perhaps you should just shut it down instead of ruining your “reputations” by publishing this tripe. Better to end on your own terms then be driven to irrelevancy by these types of articles.

Just my $0.02.

And Yes, I know that I can just decide not to visit this site anymore. Which i will do unless/until the content get better. I’m just trying to save Dan-dy the shame that this type of article brings upon their houses.

Leg up

Variety is the spice of the internet. But seriously Dan, lets get the interface updated. Love the different types of articles.

Kylian Threadlock

just start providing a discreet portal with links to porn sites. you guys will make more money than you ever dreamed possible.

besides, approx. 96.3% of your readers are doing it anyway. might as well capitalize on it.

oh, sweet sassy mollassey

not sure if it is intentional, but even your title is grammatically incorrect. Do you even know where the comma goes, bro?

frederico Lorica

Assuming for a moment that the rumor is true; how is that demonstrative of the system working? Testing 3 out of the 100 riders in that one race, of all the races of the year caught exactly one guy. So several thousand numbers pinned on in NYC races alone. One guy caught. From a percentage perspective it would be tough to argue that’s a system that’s working.

Julien Drainhole

I think the reason that so many of you dislike Eli’s writing is because you ARE Eli (minus the bad writing). You have the same thoughts and feelings and come to the same conclusions.

Cut the man some slack.

Leg up

I wont be too surprised if he gets popped. But until it’s on USADA’s website it is unconfirmed. So until then, he hasn’t been caught doing anything.

The system still works because it will have caught someone who has been using drugs to win numerous races… if he’s guilty. 3 guys getting tested is a hell of a lot better than it used to be. Beside the guys getting tested are there to win, not take 4th.

Tom Stiff

It isn’t the writing that generates negative sentiment. The negative sentiment is towards the attention seeking attitude that makes Eli share his writing in the first place.

Why does Eli think anybody cares to read any of this? The writing does not educate or benefit anybody.

Exhausted

This stuff reads like an 8th grade term paper. Dan, Andy- if you guys really can’t come up with any better content than this and you have decided to take a much deserved break from this insanity, maybe you should consider putting up a “On vacation, be back in November” banner and call it a day. Publishing this crap is doing you more harm than good.

Eli

The comma could be misplaced because the title took shape based off a French writer’s sentiment – Gustave Flaubert. I believe that when translating from French to English, during the 19th century at least, some of our nowadays-commonplace grammatically correct structures may have been either a. thrown to the wind b. not yet instituted or c. not in line with the grammar of the times.

So yes, intentional.

#knowledgeispower

Dino Chainline

“The comma could be misplaced because the title took shape based off a French writer’s sentiment”

so you copied it.

#gobacktowordpress

Elidiot

The fact that you gave this fool an outlet is enough motivation for me to sign off from nyvelocity for good.
Goodbye local cycling site.

I’ll miss your writing Dan. Andy, not so much.

Diego Ergopower

oh my goodness, anonymously quitting a local cycling site because of a new blogger who happens to, well, suck. such rage! such spite! for heavens sake, what’s next, putting your rapha gloves in the washer?

Eli-Schmilie

All those complaining about Eli (especially, those “leaving NYVC”) to Mengoni.

Get over yourselves. Have a laugh. Don’t be jealous just bc you are too busy shopping on life for your new frame and carbon wheels for next year – they won’t win you races.

Eli-Schmilie

All those complaining about Eli (especially, those “leaving NYVC”) to Mengoni.

Get over yourselves. Have a laugh. Don’t be jealous just bc you are too busy shopping on life for your new frame and carbon wheels for next year – they won’t win you races.

samiam

c’mon, now you are making it worse again. You still don’t know how to use a comma. That participle is hella dangling. OK, not really, but you have a group of words just kinda hanging out. Does the assuredly refer to how they found themselves? Then why are you separating it? Your defense was that it was a quote, and now you are saying it is not, so…

Your writing at this point is the equivalent of the liquigas jersey and tights.

Eli

Actually, it’s not a direct quote. I remember reading it, and the title took form from it, but it’s not exactly the same.

All of these words finding themselves together were greatly astonished and delighted for assuredly, they had never met before.

Vs.

All of these words were nothing short of overwhelmed with joy for assuredly, they had never met one another in such a way.

Different words and when you really get down to the nitty-GRITTY…different meanings.

#mymaskisoff

samiam

Love calling their men “dorks,” and they also love calling themselves “dorks,” like, omg, I’m such a huge dork! I don’t get it.

the Real Quarqy Thatcher

Team Cosmic focuses on developing strong 3 riders. Eli, as a lousy Cat 3, that could be a good fit for you.

Eli

Liquigas bibs.

I don’t mind entertaining you and your questions, but it’s literally written out a few lines above the picture.

Literally.

Raphael Bearing

too many incoherent words, got bored after first sentence. comment section more fun. sorry.

underoos are fun to wear.

Tears of Joy

Next week how about we skip the article and just talk about Eli. That’s what this column seems to be about anyway.

Benjamin Bottle

The dude who nearly lapped the P12 field at Ft. Lee and who will probably clean up this weekend at Fair Haven was a College Football Lineman (245lbs) just back in 2006.

Leg up

Skip Foley (Velo Pasedna/Time Factory racing) played for the NE Patriots. In case you don’t know who he is, he took 2nd to Joe Papp at the NYC race in 2001.

Leg up

The difference between being clean and dirty: Papp stopped racing and has few friends in the bike community. Foley won Thater and loves life on the bike.

Noa Rivnut

this fools ramblings are very annoying but they remind us once again that every year we have new Cat5s that become 4s (for simply finishing 10 races), who then become 3s (who then think they are almost pro because one Pro shows up at the Bethel Pro1-3 race that they entered)…, they get “fast” quit the team that was not supporting their agenda to be the next Peter Salon (Garmin for you newbies) or Carter Jones (he won Batenkill as a 3 and is the next to jump to the ProTour)…

Fast forward 2 years and Eli like many who blog the same story or dream the same dream are either not racing, or still a 3 or maybe a two and looking back at the rediculousness of it all…

I was Eli 5 years ago.

Play on Players!

sane man

With the caveat that I’m a crusty old man, I like to ride relatively fast. Cycling is the closest we can come to flying. And I enjoy being competitive.

Riding 15-18mph for 100 miles of a 107 mile ride and taking 5 snack breaks was complete *torture* for me. I just absolutely hated almost every minute of it. And I paid ~$200 the day of the ride to do it. (My own fault. Kudos to the people who ran the ride. It was well organized and a wonderful course. I do not begrudge them charging as much as they want and can. I hope they made a ton of money.)

I absolutely hated the format. There is no incentive to put any effort into the ride except for 6-10 miles. I’m not even sure why they make the course that long. I was riding with people who wanted to “win” the Fondo. It is a ridiculous concept to “win” a Fondo. Why even bother spacing out the five timed climbs when you can pedal as leisurely as you want in between them? I just cannot tell you how much more painful it is to ride a 107 miles in 7+ hours vs. less than 5. There is no other ride/race in any other discipline – track, road, xc, cross, bmx – that is so inane.

So, at the end of the day, I’m just an @sshole roadie. I knew that, but this helped remind me. Fondos are for riders, not racers. They are for the recreational cyclist. I will leave them to it.

Matheo Cable

This is shockingly immature drivel. At least the usual nonsense of the site sort of has a bit of a point. The wit the snark etc. This self loving bollox makes me wonder how the hell the chaps in charge of this site let this guy loose to print his adolescent fantasy of being a guy who rides bikes at some crappy local races. Please make it stop because this is a below the belt hit. The guy needs to realise that he sounds like a complete idiot and there are no redeeming factors. If Dan or Andy write something they take the piss out of themselves and we all chime in but this guy well unless he is taking us all for a ride in some double bluff just sounds like a total gimp.

Sam Stiff

” his adolescent fantasy of being a guy who rides bikes at some crappy local races”

I hope that is no man’s adolescent fantasy.

schmalz

Well, sane man signed up for something he knew he may not like, but did it anyway. Rode the fondo, confirmed his distaste, and then came here to proclaim that distaste. Just ride by yourself for free. Lordy.

Morelli Housing

most of the responses to this poor guy go a long way in explaining why I feel the same way about racing bikes as I do smoking weed. that is, I love doing it, I just hate the majority of the people I have to do it with.

sane man

Ouch, Dan-o, that hurts my feelings! G*ddamn. Just wanted to give oSSM my feelings on the matter, since he asked.

I guess that means no parting gift of pleated khakis, a nice henley, and walnut-filled brownies for me?

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