schmalz  Your Twitter feed covers a wide range of subjects (including professional cycling), most of which seem to be pretty opposite of the interest of typical cycling fans, how did you become a cycling fan?

mmmaiko It definitely started when I saw "Breaking Away" as a kid in the 1980s, which coincided with the time when cycling was getting a lot more attention in America because of Team 7-Eleven, Greg LeMond, etc. My mom and I loved the movie so we either decided to watch the Tour or came across it on TV while channel surfing and thought, "Wow, real bike races are just as exciting as fictional ones!" We couldn’t help but be sucked in because cycling as a sport has a strong narrative bent and it’s more visually engaging than watching a bird’s-eye view of people chasing a ball in a field. 

I think cycling appealed to me as a girl, who was into unicorns and Duran Duran, because it wasn’t so beefy and testosterony like mainstream American sports. Also, I’ve always been into fashion, and out of all the athletic uniforms out there, cycling kits have always been design conscious and interesting. But as I grew up and understood cycling more, I’ve come to appreciate deeper stuff–like race strategy, the puzzle of putting together complementary riders to build a team, etc.–beyond the cool uniforms and how dreamy Andy Hampsten was.

schmalz Ah, another cycling convert inspired by Jakie Earle Haley in short shorts! Did you ever try racing yourself?

mmmaiko Let’s make it really explicit that it’s 1970s Jackie Earle Haley in short shorts so people don’t think I have a 2000s self-castrated Jackie Earle Haley in short shorts fantasy. 

At the risk of being run out of cycling town as a charlatan and a heretic, I admit I suck abysmally at riding a bicycle. I owe an apology Denis Menchov for mocking his crashiness. My mom, who can’t ride a bike, taught me how to ride a bike. (I know it’s inconceivable that people who can’t ride bikes exist, but as far as I know, she never learned.) She "taught" me how to ride a bike by holding on to the back until I figured it out myself. So eventually, I was riding on my own thinking she was holding me up, but when she said something like "Yay, you can ride a bike!!" I turned around, saw she had let go, and crashed. And it was a total mindfuck for a little kid that mommy would let go of the bike without warning. So the rest of my growing up wasn’t bike-riding intensive. Wow, that felt like therapy. 

So, no, I never tried to race bikes. This question is totally racist! 

schmalz That was a racist question, thanks for noticing! And I’m really glad you didn’t say you were inspired by American Flyers, as that movie was terrible. Why is it no one’s interested in making a good bike racing movie? Is it because all American actors are too large to play racers?

mmmaiko American Flyers was a bad movie, but it did have a gratuitous boob shot so I don’t think we can denounce it 100%. Do we need a whole new bike racing movie, though? American Flyers can be redubbed as a USA vs. Al Qaeda sports epic now because all the evil Soviets had beards. Then, punch up the Eddie training scene with Michael Vick pitbull jokes. And the brain aneurysm could be caused by plasticizers from blood bags. Voila, American Flyers is awesomely 2010 compliant!

I can’t think of American actors with cycling physique, but Christian Bale in "The Machinist" might work for a Schleck biopic, no?  Oh, isn’t Matt Damon doing a Lance Armstrong biopic? I wonder if he’ll drop some pounds and lose a ball to really get into the part.

schmalz That would really be a great instance of method acting by Damon, but I think they’re waiting out Novitsky’s Euro trip before they write that movie’s ending. You’ve been a cycling fan since the 80s, do you prefer the riders of that era?

mmmaiko I’m not convinced if they need an ending now because everyone loves a trilogy, but with all the comebacks, it might be more than a trilogy… Anyway, I followed cycling in 80s as a naive kid with no Internet, and that feels totally different from following it as a cynical adult with Internet so I really can’t say I prefer riders of one era over the other. In the 80s there was a lot more distance between pros and fans so cyclists had a mythic, untouchable quality. Now, I follow a bunch of pros on Twitter and get a peek into their day-to-day, so today’s pro cyclists are more endearing and empathetic. In the 80s, I didn’t have second-hand rage from the airlines losing strangers’ luggage, that’s for sure.

I guess maybe an example would be Andy Hampsten winning the 1988 Giro versus Ivan Basso winning the 2010 Giro. Hampsten’s victory is like motivational poster fodder, it’s fucking epic in the way the word used to mean before it got worn out. On the other hand, I think there’s a general consensus that the 2010 Giro was a super difficult and myth-making race, but I almost forget the winner was Basso because to me, personality-wise, he’s kind of a dork who confesses to just "attempted" doping, who doggie paddles in the pool, and says on Twitter "Rest day…" on a rest day. If I didn’t know so much about Basso, my reaction may have been like "Holy shit, what a legend!"

That makes it sound like I do prefer cycling in the 80s, which isn’t true but I can’t come up with a better example. I can say for sure that being a cycling fan was easier back then. I didn’t have to think "Please please please don’t pee a in-competition positive" when a rider I like won the race because it sucks to find out later he was doping. I’m so glad I got to follow professional cycling before doping became a huge problem. It makes me sad there are fans who don’t have that, but it’s fucked up that I even think it’s some kind of a privilege to experience pre-doping cycling. It shouldn’t be that way.

schmalz You’re right, Basso is a dork. I suppose for better or worse, we know all sorts of things about riders these days, including what’s in their pee pee. It makes being a fan extra hard. What keeps you watching races?

mmmaiko Maybe I sounded all huffy about cycling of today, but there’s still plenty of amazing races and racing to be seen. I do love watching a Philippe Gilbert attack or a chaotic, messy bunch sprint, but that’s kind of a given being a cycling fan. Honestly, what I enjoy the most about actually watching the race is random moments like a fight or Rolf Aldag picking his nose in the team car or Thor trying to open a can of Coke then getting totally frustrated and SMASHing it on the ground. They don’t happen at every race and you never know when you’ll see something so it feels like a treasure hunt. I can watch the clip after the fact online, but it’s not the same as seeing it in real time and thinking "Did that really happen?" 

Oh, and the awkward podium ceremonies! I live for those, especially when animals are involved. I always wonder what happens to podium prize animals. Do the race organizers ask for it back? What if the winner wants to keep it? One of the prizes at Tour of Turkey was a piglet. Tour of Turkey podiums are a trip. I imagine the organizers being like, "Shit, we have this humongous bunch of bananas. Want that for winning today? Make banana bread or something." 

I dunno, does this make me the dork?

schmalz It does make you a dork, but not as big a dork as Basso. While we’re on the subject of roadside treasures, how much do you miss the non-ironic European speedos along the route? They used to be everywhere in the 80s, and now they can barely be found.

mmmaiko So does that mean I can still eat lunch with the cool kids once in a while? Maybe Freddie Prinze Jr. will give me a makeover before prom and y’all will grovel at my feet! I do not miss the Euro speedos at all. As we discussed earlier, I’m a short shorts kind of gal. The speedo count may be down, but do you think the actual area of unwanted skin exposure might be the same with all the Borat-style mankinis? I wonder if the Kazakh guys are doing some soul-searching right now trying to decide if Roman Kreuziger is mankini-worthy. I’d be fine if the mankinis went away. Seeing self-inflicted wedgies makes me feel uncomfortable like I have a phantom wedgie. 

schmalz Hold on, there’s cool kids in cycling? Who are they?

mmmaiko Wait, you’re not the cool kids? You usually talk to professional bicycle racers and sport scientists! You have guys from a ProTour team show up at your parties! I assumed you were in the cool clique. I thought this little chat might be an elaborate prank to make me feel accepted, but in the end, I’d get a bucket of pig’s blood dumped on me. So I’m wearing my rain poncho just in case. I’m totally mixing up my movie prom references but I don’t care.

schmalz Granted, talking to scientists and pro bike racers (even Mike Creed, who technically is a pro racer) is really cool, but we ourselves are the high school equivalent of the AV club mated with the science club and cross country team. I would classify us more as outsiders in cycling——the only real way to have a cycling site that makes money (unlike ours) is to (bad pun coming) "get on the ball" so to speak, and that’s not going to happen.

And can I ask you to slide your computer over to the left just a little? No reason really, not like anything’s going to drop out of your ceiling or anything…

You’ve got a pretty strong fashion sense——what are you favorite kits of all time? And is JV trying too hard?

mmmaiko Aww, I guess we’re not going to the prom and raise the roof with the cool kids. Can I convince you to gently lower that bucket of blood instead of tipping it on me? I can use it to make boudin noir with my sausage stuffer. You know, there’s money in artisanal pig blood sausages. Maybe that’s a revenue stream you should consider instead of cyberbullying me.

Hands down, my all time favorite cycling kit is the La Vie Claire Mondrian kit. Mondrian is kind of a hackneyed design reference maybe, but you’ll look great throwing a punch wearing it. I love me a sport that references modern art because I’m one of those unpatriotic elitist liberals. I also like the Peugeot monochrome look with the checkers, just super stark and simple. I don’t even know if that kind of stripped-down design is possible anymore because it seems like there are more and more sponsor logos that need to be incorporated into a kit design.

As for JV, I’m loathe to say anyone’s trying too hard because at some point we all try too hard to look good. I love that he has his own sense of style and I do look forward to seeing his fashion choices, even if I don’t always agree with them 100%. I appreciate that he doesn’t just throw on team-issue fleece and jeans, even though people give him shit for his fancy sartorial choices. Looking at the 2011 Tour presentation photos, pretty much everyone dressed like they were going to a job interview. Fashion-wise, I’d like to see more guys getting fancy like JV. Who cares if some random dweeb like me says "That shirt and that tie do not go together!" on the Internet the next day?

schmalz I would never cyberbully for money, I do it for the love of it. I am intrigued by sausage stuffing, there could be money in that, but I think that the google search for the website to sell the products would disappoint many searchers.

You’re right about the sponsor logos mucking up the kits these days, I don’t know how Simoni could leave the house in that Diquigiovanni abomination, it might’ve been easier to put the logos of the Italian manufacturing concerns that weren’t team sponsors on the kit—for brevity’s sake.

I enjoy JV’s clothing choices also, much better than the "the team gave me this tracksuit, so I will wear it look", yeah I’m looking at Menchov here. Do you remember the the Davitamon Lotto team presentation shirts? What was going on there?

mmmaiko Well, I’ll send you an Evite when I do a sausage stuffing party. I just won’t tell you exactly what type of sausage stuffing is on the agenda.

Diquigiovanni kits are pretty bad, but at least there’s some semblance of design amidst the logo bukkake. The ISD Neri kits, though, they look like someone laid it out on MS Word. I hope whoever came up with it doesn’t call him or herself a designer because there isn’t a shred of design in there. 

You have to see a photo of Menchov when he showed up at Lombardy. He was wearing–gasp–a leather vest!! Or a jacket that looks like a leather vest with sweater sleeves attached. He was a little bit rock-n-roll, but the rest was white noise that puts you to sleep. But still!

I repressed the memory of that Davitamon Lotto atrocity. It had a weird sling thingie and a brooch with a chain! It looked like a costume for an emo boy band going through the "edgy" phase. The only people with DNA that’ll allow them to possibly rock that look is Harajuku street style kids. I wonder if those shirts all got burned immediately? If there was ever an appropriate time for a rider protest, it was backstage at that presentation, raise the roof with indignation. The fact that someone signed off on that shirt is absolutely bonkers.

schmalz I wonder if we’ll ever see the day when the Footon kits are worn with irony, sort of like the guys who wear the acid wash Carrera bib shorts.

And speaking of throwbacks, what’s your opinion of cycling commentators? Any favorites? Any you dislike?

mmmaiko I wonder the same about the Footon kits. Let this be a living will that if, at some point in the future, I say that the Footon kits are "retro", "ironic", etc. then I am not of sound mind so just shoot me in the face. 

I think I’ll always have a soft spot for Phil and Paul, but I don’t put any stock in their commentary. They’re a good slash fiction joke fodder, and I’m simultaneously amused and scared by how Phil’s mind seems to be unraveling from old age and jetlag. 

I pretty much stopped watching races on Versus and just do the Eurosport stream instead. The English commentators on Eurosport are more levelheaded and have a dry sense of humor. Versus is absolute crap. The commentary is fawning and devoid of insight. It really shows when Vaughters is a guest and he’s way better than any of their commentators. Plus, when the news about the Floyd e-mails broke during Tour of California, they barely touched it…for obvious reasons. On the other hand, Universal Sports did a live Don Catlin interview during the Vuelta when the Contador clenbuterol positive happened, so at least they put in some effort. 

Not to blow smoke up your ass, but I really liked the simulcast you guys did with Cosmo and Creed during the Tour. It wasn’t just funny, the race analysis was solid too. I love the "How the Race was Won" videos Cosmo makes for Cyclocosm. Why isn’t mainstream race coverage more like that? I think American broadcasters try to get cred by having some of the Internet cycling peanut gallery contribute online content, but they’re not necessarily tapping the best. 

schmalz I too have a soft spot for P&P, they actually serve as a great "starter set" of commentators for beginners coming to the sport with their nifty accents and British phrases, but as you learn more about the sport, you listen and you say to yourself, "Hey, that doesn’t sound right. Or, is Bob Roll on something?" I think they are part of the tradition of cycling commentary that goes back to the start of the Grand Tours. The Grand Tours weren’t initially televised, and fans relied on newspaper accounts to get their information. And since these papers were actually the sponsors of the races, the coverage tended towards flowery presentations that put the races and racers in the best possible light. I think a lot of commentators these days are sticking to that narrative, even when it’s not necessary. I mean, why not point out that some guy is on the front taking a whizz?

I, of course, enjoy having smoke blown up my ass, and Cosmo and Creed were great (along with all the journos we contacted). Creed was able to call four winners in a row, all of them from breakaways. He’s like a savant. I’m pretty sure the commentary thing is locked up as far as the personalities go, so I think we will have to settle for watching and saying smarty pants things on the internet.

mmmaiko Oh, that Bob Roll. He’s been sucking on too many monkey balls or something. He makes some insane statements like "Pierrick Fedrigo is the best climber in the business." He blocked me on Twitter and the only reason I can think of is I joked that he was brain damaged. I was shocked he was able to go on the Internet, search for "Bob Roll" on Twitter, and block me. So yay, Bob!

I can totally see cycling commentary rooted in grandiose newspaper prose, and maybe I’d even prefer to experience some parts of races that way, like the Contador vs. Schleck track stand contest. For me it was frustrating to watch that on TV, but a great writer could have conveyed the tension and the importance of those moments. Cycling is such a narrative-heavy sport–which is probably why "epic" became the go-to word–that there should always be that storytelling component. But I like it when all that is tempered with great race analysis so I can learn to pay attention to the right things when I watch. I want to be able to figure things out so I can have the "I totally called it!" moment of smugness. I wish there were a cycling equivalent of John McEnroe for tennis. He’s super nit-picky and sounds like he’s on the verge of bumrushing the court to play the game himself. It can be annoying, but I know tennis so much better. 

It’s really too bad that the commentary gig is locked up, as you say, and the broadcasters aren’t really willing to experiment even a little. But then again, I’m not a desirable demographic because I skip commercials and don’t have much disposable income to spend on Shake Weight, so it’s the Internet parallel universe commentary for me. At least that way, someone would alert me to riders peeing or roadside speedos.

schmalz Well, in these desperate economic times it’s every American’s duty to buy as many Shake Weights as possible. I think a big problem with hiring ex-athletes to do commentary it that many (not all, I enjoy Sean Kelley and Magnus Backstedt) don’t have language skills, they are just well known athletes. In fact, the qualities that make a good writer like introspection, perspective and hours and hours writing indoors are probably antithetical to the qualities that make a good athlete. Plus, I think many ex-athletes are reluctant to call out bad performances as they still feel a connection to the athletes playing now, these factors when combined make for really un-insightful and boring telecasts. The end result is Bob Roll.

mmmaiko I would stimulate the economy, but I’m never sure if I’m supposed to have the "MUST BUY" knee-jerk to the men’s or women’s Shake Weight commercial.

I like Sean Kelly and Magnus Backstedt, too. They take questions real time during the race, which makes them even better. If American broadcasters insist on middling to WTF commentators, they can at least so something like that. It seems stupid to have the resources to find out what the viewers want, and not use it.  

You’re right that the pool of prospective commentator is pretty small when you factor in everything from verbal skills to the budget the broadcasters are working with. It blew my mind that they fly Paul in from Africa to Connecticut to do commentary in the age of broadband! But I’d think that after so many decades, there’d be an Anglophone commentator who is better than Bob Roll. Is it because helmets weren’t required back in the day that they can’t find many lucid, articulate ex-pro cyclists who can do the job?

I do think that there are a lot of articulate professional cyclists out there though. I adore Michael Barry’s writing. Sometimes his style is a bit baroque, but his writing is honest and soulful, and I like knowing that it’s not a writer approximating what it would be like to be a cyclist. Charly Wegelius’s blog on the Canyon site was great too. Reading about the day he dropped out of the Tour made my heart hurt. And it’s not stylistically the best writing, but my favorite piece of cyclist writing this year is Nicolas Roche’s "If John Gadret is found dead in his hotel room…" blog post. He went all in! He called Gadret "baldy" and said he wanted to smash his head. And he didn’t take it back or apologize. He made Ag2r exciting!

schmalz Holy Crap, we’re over 3,500 words which is waaay over the 140 character count the internet likes. In closing, how do you maintain your enthusiasm for professional cycling despite its scandals and seemingly clownish governing body? Personally, I find vodka helpful here.

mmmaiko The 140 character limit was oppressing us! There’s fucked up stuff in cycling that bum me out, but so much of it is ridiculous I can’t help but laugh it off, like tainted steak or Piti the dog or that clown Riccardo Ricco. I don’t think I’ve had a discussion about doping or other issues in cycling that didn’t devolve into a series of jokes. Plus there’s always a great race or a new rider having a breakthrough, like Richie Porte or Tejay Van Garderen this year, that take my mind off the yucky stuff. But yeah, vodka helps, or pink wine from a box. They really should make vodka in a box. 

schmalz Vodka in a box is a revenue generating venture I can believe in. 

mmmaiko I’m gonna go sterilize my bathtub, get some potatoes, and order the Fisher-Price My First Alcohol Still. Bye!