Here’s part 2 of our interview with Michael Creed. Part 1 is here. Lots more crosstalk in this portion, so the three of us are identified (instead of using the generic VN). I’m going to stretch the cramps out of my fingers and get back to typing. Lots more to come.

DS: So you’re with Rock Racing again next year?

MC: Yep.

DS: What’s the plan there? You gonna do a domestic program again? or whatever they tell you to do?

MC: Pretty much, I was going to find a way to tackle Lance.

DS: You’re professionally obligated this year to beat Lance, right?

AS: How many guys are going to have that in mind, you think?

MC: To beat Lance, (mock voice) I don’t know…

DS: 2009 is officially the year of the Lance, so…

MC: Did you guys go to the press conference, where him and Lemond were getting into it?

AO: We heard about it.

DS: Wait, Lemond and him were speaking at the same time??

AO: He sat in the front row, asking him questions.

MC: You guys gotta do a cartoon where Lemond’s this old freaking codger, in a wheelchair, just talking about…he wants to do a doping test on Lance by measuring his wattage?!? Like, what’s to stop somebody from, one, improving, like you can’t improve, and two, well, I’ll just quit every time at 400 watts.

DS: 400 watts, I just coast, I just stop riding.

MC: Greg’s sitting in his, fuckin’, “I got it all figured out! If we just subject him to a VO2 test every other day… We got ‘im! Damn you!”

DS: He’s got Dick Pound saying this.

MC: He said this in a public forum!

AO: He went, he wasn’t invited, he went and sat…

MC: Meanwhile, Don Catlin, independent agency, he’s been doing this his whole life, drug testing people his whole life, Greg’s like, “Oh that’s fine, I’m sure you know whatever Don does, but maybe a VO2 test every now and then would be the way to do it.” Like totally dismissed…

DS: Yeah.

MC: It’s embarrassing! It made SportsCenter!

DS: Did it?

MC: Yeah! It made SportsCenter!

DS: Then it’s real news, then.

MC: And as embarrassing as it is, I think they should fight. We get this sport back on the map. Cage fight. The Octagon. We need the fucking Octagon.

DS: We need some sort of condiments involved…

MC: It’s on Versus all the time anyway. And Versus tries to dump the Tour de France, well fuck…

AS: Put it all together.

DS: They’ll fight each other, they’ll shoot some beavers afterwards, we’re all set. It’s perfect for Versus.

MC: I think you guys should put them in a plotline.

DS: Yeah…I didn’t know it got that far, I didn’t hear about that. Lance’s comeback is just…

MC: What is that about?

DS: I don’t know. We heard about it early, and um…

AO: We actually broke the story.

MC: I saw that.

DS: It was weird. Because we had a secret caller tell us about it. We still don’t know who it is.

AS: He called himself Deep Throat.

MC: Prove it!!

DS: That sounds really dirty, so…I don’t know where to go with that.

MC: That’s fucking funny, dude. Cycling is so weird.

DS: It’s like a big dysfunctional high school.

MC: Yeah, it is, it is a big popularity contest.

DS: It’s got some very weird things going on. There’s the AV club, well, Rock Racing, you’re like the stoners.

MC: Yeah! Right.

DS: Hanging out in the parking lot, beating up on the kids.

AS: Well, Slipstream’s gotta be the AV club, then.

MC: Oh, totally, yeah.

DS: They’re the nerd herd, they take the brunt of everything.

MC: That is the biggest publicity farce of a team, ever.

DS: Slipstream?

MC: Yeah, everybody is just a big JV loving family. But it’s not as happy a family as everyone thinks.

DS: You get that sense.

MC: I did that VeloNews TV (scroll down in the TV window) thing yesterday, I was telling them how much more relaxing it is on Rock. You just show up, as long as you do a decent job, you’re all right. You can have a bad day, they’re not really going to worry about it.

AO: You don’t want us to write that, right?

MC: I said it on TV…You can have a bad day on Rock, and whatever, you’re human, c’est la vie. But if you have a bad day…on VeloNews I said there’s a certain team, it rhymes with pip stream, or jarmin…you have a bad day there, you’d get text messages, emails, of just a hideous nature. I mean, you wouldn’t send this to anybody.

DS: Did you get any of those from JV when you were on…

MC: Oh, I saved them. I could send them to you.

DS: Feel free.

MC: I should send them to you.

AS: I’m so glad we’ve been making fun of him now.

DS: It’s the whole, the way he dresses, he’s got this whole…c’mon, put on a tank top, take the sleeves off one day…He cultivates quite an image that way. It’s really hard to resist making fun of that.

MC: It’s hard to take him seriously. I get it. Yeah, you wear a sweater vest. I like it. Cashmere. I got it.

DS: And it’s argyle.

AS: I was reading back how back in the Postal days, he was one of the guys Lance didn’t like, ’cause he was too clean, he wasn’t a team player, so I was feeling bad about making fun of him…

MC: Too clean as in his clothes, or his blood?

AS: Blood.

(Creed rolls eyes).

I was starting to get some respect for him, and feeling bad for making fun of him, but…no.

DS: No, we still do it anyways. We’re terrible people.

MC: Nooooo, he’s asking for it, right?

AS: I mean, there’s an article about your bike team, and you pose for photos drinking wine and eating cheese. What’s that all about?

DS: Who are you trying to impress? The thing is, you just don’t like people you feel are pretending.

MC: Right. You got a good bullshit radar.

DS: Obviously you’re pretending, you wanna say something else, but you’re not. For whatever reason. I assume it’s because you think it’s your job.

Horner is very straightforward…

MC: (Laughs) Horner’s pretty quick on the hip. But also, at the same time, it’s like, “I get it, you’re mad, but what?” There’s complaining, and then there’s whining. I didn’t get nominated for the Olympic track team, and I was national champion and the only American to finish twice top ten in the World Cup. But I didn’t get nominated. Now I could, like, sue them, or whinge about it. It’s like…they don’t want you.

DS: They don’t want you, why do you want to go there?

MC: And you saw the shit they put their fuckin’ track riders through, they send overseas, give them some masks, and they say, “How dare you!” They didn’t stick up…the IOC came down, USA Cycling didn’t stick up for them one bit.

DS: They eventually asked for an apology and got it, but it was a month later and no one cares.

AS: But also, Horner is naming who shouldn’t be on the team. He wasn’t just whining about it…

DS: He had a problem with Jason McCartney…Horner had been injured, too, so in theory he may not have been any stronger than McCartney, so…

MC: I think it all comes back to the Octagon, man.

DS: Lots of people to put in there now.

MC: There was a comedian…it was George Carlin, before he passed away. He said that for some reason, in America, people have the fucking belief that they have the right to not have their feelings hurt. Where do we come off, how do we think we can go through life without someone disagreeing with you or not liking you. Get used to it. There’s going to be jerks that insult you, you might have to be a big boy and put your big boy underwear on, and just say, “Well, I guess I don’t like you!” and keep on walking. 

DS: And how fired is Horner going to be when Lance shows up at Astana? He’s going to hit the ejector seat there.

MC: You think so? (laughs)

DS: We’re breaking that story right now. I don’t know where he’s going, I haven’t heard anything.

MC: Caisse d’Epargne. You watch.

DS: What are they going to do with him and Valverde on the same team, though?

MC: I think Valverde’s gonna back off the tours, I think he’s going back to…

AS: When Pereiro’s making fun of you…

DS: Yeah, when Pereiro’s saying, “He doesn’t have it”…Captain Pee-Stop.

MC: Whatever, can’t go downhill. Captain Switchback. Flew over a switchback on his arm. Who’s laughing now, you dick?

DS: He won the Tour on basically a piss break. I mean, he got away, he got 20 minutes, and everyone’s like, “Who’s there?”

MC: How much does that rule? I got fifth in the Tour de France last year, they gave me 20 minutes. Sweet.

DS: Gonna make a career out of that one. “But I was top five!” It counts.

MC: I love you guys’ website, though.

DS: Thanks. Feel free, you can write as much as you want for it.

AO: Any ideas?

MC: I used to really like doing the weblog thing…remember when you used to have to send stuff in…before you could just have your own blog…remember bike.com? I would send stuff in to them, and they’d give you like $125 a story, you did it twice a month, they gave you a topic, it had to be edited… All this came down to…it was actually READABLE. As much as I like the Missing Saddle guys, I did something for them for a little bit, it’s just like so fucking lazy now. Here’s a picture of me going to the grocery store. Here’s a goofy hat. Look, I’m not white and plain and boring. I swear, I’m different. Motherfucker, you’re just like everyone else.

DS: How would you prefer to do it? Would you prefer to just write or would you prefer…I’d ask you questions, to be honest.

MC: That would be better, if it was actually something, instead of some guy thinking for some reason that putting his self importance out there…fuck you! Why do you think I fucking care about why you…Well, don’t read my weblog. Motherfucker, you know I’m a professional cyclist, right? You know I spend five hours a day on the fucking couch surfing the internet. Between pornography and weblogs, you know?

DS: The thing with weblogs is, it’s karaoke. Some people can sing, some people can’t sing. Some people are just up there, doing ‘Islands in the Stream’ and just kiling themselves.

MC: I riffed on Brad Huff so bad, ’cause he consistently posted pictures of him and his girlfriend. “Oh, I love her so much.” Motherfucker, do you keep ANYTHING to yourself? Where do you draw the line? When do you stop posting pictures of your life online? Why don’t you put a webcam on you sleeping?

DS: Ooo, that’s awesome!

MC: Dude, what happens when you guys break up, and it’s awkward ’cause you got pictures of your ex-girlfriend…”Oh, we won’t break up”. Meanwhile, he’s on number two, he’s on number three now. 

I would love to do something for you guys. Anything. 

DS: I’ll email you and we’ll just go back and forth.

MC: My email is pretty simple, I don’t have a card or anything cool like that.

DS: That would be more directed. Otherwise it’s just like, “I woke up, I ate…”

AO: It could be your opinions on what’s currently going on. It doesn’t have to be about you…

DS: You’d be ripped from today’s headlines, Mike. As they say on ‘Law and Order’. And then we’ll find you probably strangled, with like an Austin flag around your neck…the black helicopters…

Part 3