We were able to locate Mike Creed of Kelly Benefit Strategies and we conducted the following interview via email (our proofreader has almost recovered). 

schmalz You’ve changed teams again, what happened this time?

Creed Obama and his health care package.

schmalz Are you saying in addition to being Kenyan, President Obama also helped you find a new team?

Creed Cool it down, schmalz. Obama and his pale blue eyes are all American.

schmalz Don’t dodge my question, did Obama find you a new team?

Creed Yup, he did! It’s a new age. I’m going to train this year. I’m beginning to see the light.

schmalz I’m glad he has his priorities straight. What exactly does "training" this year entail? Can you give us any pointers?

Creed Well it isn’t "take no prisoners" training. But a lot of basic pedaling efficiency efforts.

schmalz Is "pedaling efficiency efforts" code for Power Cranks?

Creed Why would I use codes? You watch "The Jersey Shore" too much. No power cranks, just high rpm low power type stuff along with 1 legged intervals.

schmalz I have watched "The Jersey Shore", and there’s no way any of those people are clever enough to use codes. I think it’s time we got through the whole preseason "the team is really great and we’re going to have the best year ever" thing. So, I assume that this year will, of course, be the best ever?

Creed Yes, imagine I said those cliché things. But this time it actually rings true. Unlike the past years where teams pretends to have all the bells and whistles, but just have the bells. 

schmalz Is your team going to have a large team presentation extravaganza like Team Leopard-Trek did? I’ve heard you moonlight as a mime, so this would be a great opportunity for you to combine two of your passions.

Creed No, we’re going to have a karaoke dance party. You’re invited, and you better get up and dance. 

schmalz That sounds great, it’s going to be in Jersey City, right? Not only will I dance, but I hereby challenge you to a dance fight, Mr. Creed.

You just went to the wind tunnel, did the engineers giggle when Mike Friedman walked in? Because that would be hurtful.

Creed I think the team service course is going to be your living room. So, we’ll let you find the karaoke bar. Try to find one on dirty boulevard. Either way I want to dance with you. Even if its a dance fight. We’re going to have a real good time together. 

Why would they laugh at meatball? 

schmalz You’ll have to share the living room with Jelly Belly, but OK, I’ll set up karaoke night. Is this a slow dance contest? Because if it is, I call dibs on "You Look Wonderful Tonight".

They would laugh at Friedman because I heard he does all of his tunnel work on the nude.

Creed He does? Fuck, I went after him. Is there any chance he contaminated the tunnel? I don’t need this.

schmalz You didn’t know that? That’s how he got on the Slipstream Classics team. Farrar still has a rash.

You’re thirty now, isn’t it time you acted like a grown up?

Creed You’re 52. Isn’t it time to stop drawing cartoons? If you don’t grown up, I won’t grow up. I’ll be your mirror. 

schmalz Stop drawing cartoons!? Never! Schulz is DEAD and Peanuts is still going strong. Actually, Andy does the drawing, I add the curses and wiener jokes.

I would say you are nearing the latter part of your career, do you have any goals you’d like to achieve that you haven’t yet?

Also, can I get a less, um, ugly mirror? Maybe Friedman could fill on for you?

Creed Yeah it’s getting later in the career. I dont feel like I’m staying after hours though. I’m definitely dreamin’ of crossing a finish line with my hands in the air. Also I’ve never got more than 75 race days in a year, I’d like to try and break that this year. If everything goes to plan this year, I can get 88. 

schmalz It’ll be the year of "Iron Mike". Have you put any thought into your victory salute, or do bike racers think it’s tempting fate to choreograph a finish line routine?

Creed I’m not a young man anymore, so I can’t do anything too crazy. Maybe something a la Kenny Powers. Whatever it is, it’ll be a gift.

schmalz Perhaps a Flama Blanca tribute? I like that idea. What’s the plan for life post-racing? A move to Mexico? Some light prostitution?

Creed What do you do? Whatever it is, I could do that. Don’t turn my world upside down, schmalz! I think I’ll race until I can’t stand it anymore. Then who knows? Maybe open up a brat factory in Berlin with my head held high. 

schmalz I heal the world, it’s demanding work—you’ll need an associates degree. I could see you working in sausage, you’d be a natural.

Do you think you’ll race as a non-pro? Will Creed race with the masters?

Creed My first impression is I’ll keep away from masters racing. I hear there is too many PEDS being used. Maybe I’ll just fly into the sun, and by that I mean I’ll try heroin. You want to join me? You’ll know you were loved. 

schmalz Heroin, um, sure. Do we use the same supplier the masters guys do? 

Creed You talk a lot about it, you always say you’re the wild child and have experienced PEDs so that can be your call. But I can’t wait to do this with you. You’re my angle!

schmalz No, no PED usage in my past, LEDs yes, but only in a costume format (I was a pioneer in the homemade Tron outfit game). I’m your angle? Are you being obtuse? Pow! Pun!

Creed I love that costume! You wear it so well! Ok, no drugs for us. Schmalz, if I race a lot this year we can’t do our Tour podcast. Will nyvc be in tatters?

schmalz Damn, that’s right. There’s about 15 people out there who will be devastated. I think maybe the announcing game would be a good fit for Mike Creed after racing, perhaps it’s time to start sucking up to Phil and Paul, or even better, to start slowly poisoning Phil and Paul…

Creed I’d like to. My voice is awesome. I make Ted Williams sound homeless. But I have no idea how to get into covering a bike race. Even if it was a temporary thing. 

schmalz I think it’s luck and the willingness to commit the revolting acts that get you on TV. What was the impact (if any) of the cyclingnews article on you last August?

Creed No impact really. I have a crazy feeling maybe 30 people read it. 

schmalz I think you’re selling yourself short, it was thirty-five at least. Is the Novitsky investigation affecting things in the world of racing? Are people even noticing?

Creed Thirty-five people reading a story on me will be my claim to fame. Anonymous people on internet forums and twitter pay more attention to the federal story than the racers do. 

The end result will affect some people we race against, but the rest of us have to carry on and prepare to race. Hopefully the end result will be we can catch people in the act instead of an endless cycle of appeals. 

schmalz It would be nice to be free of the appeals, but that would mean the tests would be bulletproof, and I don’t think we’re there yet. If the tests were, in fact, completely trustworthy, would you be in favor of a lifetime ban for getting caught? It would make things a lot simpler.

Creed In the hypothetical situation that the test were 100%, I don’t know. Maybe. It would depend on the drug. What if it was a contamination issue? An expired TUE? I couldn’t be behind kicking them out for life. 

schmalz You’d have to work out the details (especially with contamination) about which offenses merit a lifetime ban, but if there was a threat of a lifetime ban racers would have a real incentive to race clean.

You would also have fewer guys doping from an early age, serving their suspension, coming back and still having a long career.

How concerned are you about contaminated supplements? Is that something that freaks you out?

Creed If people are willing to risk 2 years non racing, lawyer fees, a few more years trying to prove yourself, a smaller salary and public rhetoric, lifetime bans wouldn’t deter them anymore. If you think you’re going to get away with it, that’s all you need.

When you read the reports about how many supplements are contaminated, it’s scary. If history teaches you anything, you’re less of a cheater if take epo and dime out your seller than take a contaminated supplement. 

schmalz I’m not so concerned with a deterrent, crazy guys will always take risks, but if there’s a lifetime ban, we won’t have them in the sport any more.

Ah, the DiLuca method, he did cooperate, but we never found out what that meant exactly…

The supplement companies are a mess, they can rely on people not keeping every empty supplement bottle, so they can deny selling anything tainted. Do you even take vitamins?

Creed If the teams rehire people fresh off suspension then they obviously believe in second chances. And if the teams believes in second chances, then I suppose maybe there is a argument for them.

 Ultimately if the fans believe they own the sport, then they need to unite and fight for change. Passing time complaining on forums isn’t taking charge or building anything better. Come up with and put in place real solutions instead of demanding them.

I raced with guys like Tyler Hamilton and I consider it a bright spot in my career. It’s a selfish highlight, but something I’ll remember for a long time. 

schmalz I think some teams believe in winning much more than they believe in second chances. Fans are simultaneously the most and least powerful partners in the sporting equation. Their most powerful weapon is their capability to walk away. If fans stop going to races and buying merchandise, then the sport will either change or die. But fans (even if they unite somehow—which will never happen, as fans are too numerous and different to ever unite, the only time they unite is to watch sporting events together) for instance, cannot vote out or get rid of officials they think are corrupt or incompetent, they can’t control who teams sign, they can only lodge complaints, and guess where the easiest place for them to lodge complaints is? Yup, that would be the internet. It’s hard to unite people, the riders don’t even have a real union like baseball or football, and there’s only a few hundred of you.

Creed Well look, I don’t want to get in a dialogue of maybe. And of course the internet is a place for fans to meet and share ideas. But if people really want change in the sport it’s going to take more than cyclingnews forum and belittling rhetoric.

I love cycling and racing in the purist sense. Even with all I’ve seen. And I focus on that intently.

schmalz Well, I think the people who can affect the most change in the sport would be the riders and team managers, if they decided to strike together, they could probably get any concessions they wanted. 

How the hell did we get caught up in a rational debate? Is this really you?

Creed You’re stupid and have boring hair.

schmalz OK, it is you. We probably have to end this interview on a positive or hopeful note, how do we do that?

Creed Any day I spend emailing you is a perfect day.

schmalz See? I told you my job is to heal the world.