Vegas – Epilogue Part 2

I suppose I have more to add.

It looks like the bike of the future will have a swooping top tube, a head tube boobie, will require the customer to saw off the carbon seat tube, and will have decals aplenty (no fades). There is no avoiding this bleak future, just shut up and ride what they give you.

Here are my most noteworthy remembrances from Vegas (in no particular order):

In Vegas, you don’t necessarily need to be the most talented entertainer in the world to merit a world of hype. As my case in point, I will present Mr. Danny Gans, and I know what you’re thinking; who? Exactly – but mind you, Mr. Gans merited at least five 100 foot tall billboards and has a theatre named after him. True talent in Vegas is as rare as Salvatore Commesso’s 31” waist jeans.

The untalented Mr. Gans impersonates Elvis, left, and my dentist, right.

The easiest guy to talk to at the expo was Rich Hincapie, and as a contrast, in his booth was the hardest guy to talk to. He was a wandering bike team manager who started talking to me and didn’t take a breath for about 2 minutes. As best as I could tell, he signed some riders to a trade team sponsored by a brothel in the red lights’ district of Amsterdam, I could be wrong, though.

Most of the innovation to be found was in the area in front of the stem on TT bikes. Everyone seem to have an aerobar out, even the Taiwan guy that only sold handlebar streamers has a special aero set for triathlons.

I suppose there were some mountain bike innovations, but whenever the fellows would weave their tech haikus, I would get the “dog looking at a radio” face. There was little hope of any of that information getting through to me.

There are white tigers everywhere, they have even trained them to bring you drinks at your table.

Vegas – Epilogue Part 1

No longer undead…

Do not believe anything Andy Shen says about my sleeping habits. I did not sleep at all in Vegas. Despite being up for 24 hours straight on Thursday and feeling tired, when I got back to the room and finally had Andy all to myself; I couldn’t fall asleep. I just waited in the bed quietly for some sleep. This is never the case with me – in fact I’m sleeping right now. I blame the oxygen and vaporized crystal meth that the casinos waft through the gaming floor.

So I walked the floor of the expo like a caffeine-fueled cycle-zombie. Bear this in mind as I review what I remember from the show.

All the bikes were crap, well not all, but a good portion. I’m just angry that no one fulfilled my need for fades- not even Colnago – I mean c’mon they put fades on their spokes for God’s sake!

Here’s how the show went – bike, bike, handlebar, handlebar, oh, we’re at the Clif Bar booth again? Grab all the free Blox™ you can! More bikes – no fades, who is giving away the free beer? Try to act rad in the BMX area, they can smell fear and will attack those with hairless legs!

Since we had “media” badges on, it was wise not to make eye contact with any booth vultures. They would swoop in and go into their memorized marketing monologues about their products. Andy would feign interest and I would sidle away and crane my neck to see if I could spot any fades. mmmmm, fades. Did I find any? No! My mood would not improve as the show wore on.

Schmalz points out a bad fade. No cross hatching, please.

We would also come across the random cycling personality. All seemed to be behaving well. I couldn’t even get close enough to Tom Danielson to slip a Phonak jersey on him!

Vegas – day one

The theme of this year’s show is swoops – swooping top tubes mostly. They curve now, I really cannot tell you why. I think everyone is realizing that you can do anything with carbon so they just are bending stuff to fit in with the “in” crowd.

Another theme is head tube boobies; this is something you have to see to understand.

Celebrity sightings:

@##=#<6,L>@##=#Eddy Merckx – We saw him standing in proximity to his company’s booth; I feigned disinterest (because I’m cool) while Andy took his photograph. Eddy turned and bolted like Andy had stolen his soul. Which he had, and you can contact us for an opportunity to purchase it.

@##=#<7,r>@##=#Magnus Backstedt – Seemed smaller in person mostly because he is just a normal sized person, but on a bike he looks like he could tear racers limb from limb. I hope to never be similarly disappointed by Thor – THOR WILL SMASH!

John Lieswyn – Only saw him in passing and wasn’t able to hear any complaints…

Jonathon Vaughters – Just saw him rushing around, he’s in the mutton chops cult, there’s nothing we can do to save him.

Fade report – Not a decent one in the house, some badly done fades, but nothing really nice. I am disappointed to my core.

Best products so far:

Clif Bar Blocks – these are like gummy bear power-type food. I will have to put on a wig or a clever disguise to be able to go back to the booth again.

@##=#<9,L>@##=#Niner Bikes – by far our favorite giveaway at the show is from Niner Bikes (they make really well thought out 29” bikes also). It’s a replacement headset top cap machined like a Budweiser bottle top so you can put a bottle cap on there; I love it and will be buried with it.

Dubious products report:

@##=#<10,r>@##=#Stair Cycle – this is a bike that is propelled by a Stairmaster assembly. Now you can take your gym equipment outside for a ride!

Coming soon – the Spinbike bike complete with 50 pound freewheel!

And also the Swimbike – it’s an endless pool and bike all in one!

One of these products was at the expo, can you guess which one?

And for what ever reason people seem to be deadly afraid of actually sitting down on a bike – too many products like this to mention.

Extra free marketing talk:

@##=#<11,l>@##=#Squoval – The tube is neither square nor oval – it’s squoval, get it?

Taiwan watch – These poor bastards, they just want to sell some bike parts. One fellow had nothing but handlebars streamers, another just had baskets. They had been banished to the outer nether regions of the expo; it’s capitalism for the damned.

We went to the Eddy Merckx talk/Q&A sponsored by Bicycling magazine, we were too far away to hear but we we’re able to sit down and drink free beer, I’ll mark that one down as a win.

Vegas – quick notes before takeoff

Yeah, it’s obviously a busy day at work…

We’re flying out on Jet Blue. You may recognize this airline from the popular video of the flaming landing gear. That’s a great confidence builder. I know one thing and that is I don’t want to die sitting next to Mr. Shen.

John Lieswyn will be in Vegas. He’s retiring and I will miss his cyclingnews.com journals. He has to have the greatest complaints per paragraph ratio in the history of internet cycling journals. Nobody can complain like Lieswyn – he’s a true champion and he will be missed.

I am hoping against hope that Mr. Commesso will be in Vegas, but I can’t imagine anyone forking over the cash to bring a moderately famous Joey Fatone-esque Italian professional cyclist half way around the world to Vegas. If I had the means at my disposal, the big three would be there: Toto, Pellizotti, and mighty Thor THOR WILL SMASH! And then I would pull a professional wrestling type surprise and announce a special mystery guest, “Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t believe it. It’s Juan Antonio Flecha!!” And I would sit back and enjoy the awkward body language as Flecha and Commeso pose for photos in front of the Headsweats booth while the speakers blare Olivia Newton John’s hit “Physical.”

Yes, I have a wife, two children and a mortgage, why do you ask?

Vegas – 1 day to liftoff

Ok, the trade show-do-see do goes as follows: companies that make “stuff” (in this case bikes and accessories) are trying to get next year’s distribution and orders wrapped up, and get additional orders from new sources if possible.

Distribution companies and bike store owners are looking over the companies’ line-ups and are trying to decide what they will sell next year.

Everyone is trying to get journalists to look over their stuff and hopefully write a favorable review.

Cycling personalities are recruited (probably often unwillingly) to bring people by the booths and displays. I reckon from the press release emails I’ve been getting that Phil Liggett will be giving free deep tissue massages all week at a rotating series of booths.

The public is invited but they aren’t the focus of the main action yet, the selling to the general public comes later in the year – mostly through product reviews and advertising.

Everyone is anxious to get their jobs done, that’s why they recklessly throw cash at their displays and promotions in an effort to nail down sales. It’s a safe bet that the more cash they spend the more nervous they are. I would love to have a trade show time machine and go back and see the Shimano Biopace display – I‘m envisioning albino ligers and David Hasselhoff singing his greatest hits.

Finally, there are also smaller companies trying to hit a home run by plunking down the fee for a table at the far edges of the convention center in hopes that they can create a buzz, or even actually sell something to someone. I feel for these starry eyed dreamers.

I will be playing the role of “journalist” which means I will be trying to acquire as much free stuff as possible to “test”. I’m giggling as I type this.

Vegas – 2 days and counting

Right now I’m only looking forward to seeing two or three booths at the show and they are Specialzed, Colnago, and Independent Fabrications for the following reasons:

Specialized – I like Specialized because they come up with products that must make the rest of the industry vomit in their mouths with envy and panic. Products such as the wiener saving seats they developed when all those cycling prostate doom articles came out. I see their latest nifty little product as being those sunglasses that change from dark to light automatically so you don’t have to buy 9 sets of lenses. Yes, I have a pair already.

When in Vegas one must rip Joe Pesci a new one. It’s a law, it’s an ordinance.

Colnago – The ultimate desire of older, paunchy grinders everywhere. (Of which I will eventually become I’m sure.) And they have pretty paint. Mmmmm, fades… Frankly, as long as they paint Colnagos, they could make them from balsa wood and I wouldn’t care.

Independent Fabrications – They have fades a plenty – mmmm, fades (this little catch phrase will supplant THOR WILL SMASH in my clipboard for the Vegas trip – that’s crafty writing!) – plus they let you design your own paint scheme.

I will also be taking a shot at getting products to test from the following companies: Zipp, PowerTap, FSA, and anyone else I can talk into giving me free stuff.

I’ve included the floor plan for the expo; I’m taking careful note of the smaller, fringe tables set up at the edge of the expo. This is where I expect to see the smaller companies that will make up the rainbow of cycling related products ranging from downright ridiculous to moderately useful.

Vegas – 3 days and counting

In what is surely to be a slap in the face of the journalistic profession, I (along with photo-god Andy Shen) have acquired journalist credentials for the Las Vegas Interbike show. If you listen closely you can hear Walter Cronkite spinning in his grave. Oh wait, he isn’t dead… See? A real journalist would’ve checked that fact.

To me the definitive Vegas story has already been written by Hunter S. Thompson, so I’m not going to bother with the “I’m wild and crazy” angle that so many hacks adopt when they go to Vegas. I am a hack – but I won’t be employing that particular trick.

This will be my first trip to Vegas. I’m not a gambler so going to Vegas is a waste really. It is the equivalent of sending Salvatore Commesso to a vegan buffet. So my plan is to enjoy dubious bike products and drink my way onto a Special Olympics team.

This being a trade show, I will expect a lot of hyperbole from the companies, and by hyperbole I mean the grass that comes out of the horse’s ass. So, I will wade the waters of marketing bilge and glean what might actually be useful. I don’t expect to see many innovations really. I mean, c’mon they’re bikes – two wheels, gears, brakes – what can you really do that’s going to rock the world? But I can be distracted by pretty colors and paint fades – mmmm, paint fades…

@##=#<1,c>@##=#

If you want a comprehensive article of the products at the show I would suggest Velonews, if you want capricious, random commentary come back and see me. In fact, I can’t foresee myself being interested in any of the following:

Mountain Bikes – Haven’t had one for years, don’t know what they do now, no antagonism here – I just don’t care.

Shocks – What? Things that bounce? On bikes?

Single speed bikes – If it’s not a track bike or cruiser of some sort, I don’t see the point.

I will be scouring the show for the following:

Gadgets – Stupid, useless, superfluous or any combination of these. I love goofy multi tools and the ilk, bonus points if it comes from a crack-pot cycling type with a 15 year growth of facial hair.

Pretty Bikes – Preferably with fading paint (road variety) mmmm, paint fades…

Excess Marketing Hype – Usually the most hyped products have the least to offer, I will now brand this relationship the “schmalz ratio” as I am much hyped and also have little to offer.

Drunken Cycling Professionals – This one explains itself. If my boy Thor THOR WILL SMASH! is there, I may have to come clean on my weirdo man crush, buy him a shot of herring liqueur and explain why he gets no royalties from the t-shirts. Although if he gets really insistent I could probably pay him with a roll of stamps…

“Hey guys! What’s going on? What’re we looking at? I sure put on a lot of weight, didn’t I? Why am I the only guy here with redeye?”

So, there’s the plan. I will begin training my alcohol tolerance so I should be ready come Vegas. As a public service, I will now offer the disclaimer that anything I write will be of dubious accuracy, may be a distortion of the facts, and I reserve the right to name names. I also will not be held accountable for any drunken spooning that may occur between myself and Mr. Shen. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.