Wiki day one
Today’s the first day of three in our wiki tdSchmalz experiment, where we gain newfound respect or scorn for our snarky gnome. Post your comments below as the stage unfolds and we’ll see if we can outdo our little dancefight fan.
Preview
Stage 1
Stage 2
Stage 3
Stage 4
Stage 5
Stage 6
Today’s the first mountain day in the Tour, and Astana is taking control of the race with a group of nine off the front. One of the many Astana theories has proved to be false, the one that predicted that Levi or Kloden would get in an early break and force others to chase. That leaves a: Armstrong attacks, b: Contador attacks, c: Armstrong orders Levi to bite Contador’s ankles.
Wow, this is harder than I thought. Fire away.
Just reminded that there’s a polka-dot jersey at the Tour. I think Phil was reminding himself by reading the message he tatooed on his arm. It also included a grocery list for milk, eggs, and Oops I Crapped My Pants.
cancellara will attack to put pressure on astana and will win the stage by 7 minutes
…once he gets un-dropped, that is
when did Screech start racing bicycles?
Attacks with Sastre and gets second 30 seconds up on Lance and Berto, as well as Cadel and the Schlecks. Lance takes the Yellow.
Alberto will hurt dickstrong today
9:09: Phil always carries his Suitcase of Courage (i.e. Depends adult diapers)…
Bruyneel being interviewed now. Hog is already boycotting Sporza (Belgian network), but is still talking to Frankie. World is upside down. Frankie seething inside.
until a week ago, i was bald, spending too much on car insurance, and living my life in constant fear of a street fight breaking out spontaneously. thank you versus.
anyone want to go in on a “chalk-bot” message? i wonder if it can draw a 40 foot phallus…
Pre-recorded piece with Armstrong… I just threw up in my mouth, and then on the floor.
OK, I’m already missing the snarky gnome. Can’t he use the company iPhone or something?
From the road: I just heard that Lance borrowed a special Garmin unit for Berto that will send him off the side of the mountain on the descent, he first tested this unit with Beloki.
Speaking of throwing up in your mouth, I heard the other day that Uncle Phil has an open marriage.
Good for him!
Interview with Lance/Frankie now. Lance with the biggest smirk of all time, and doing the ‘tell’ again. And again!
Liters of drugs just smuggled across the Andorran border concealed in the veins of pro cyclists.
I’m taking one dick point for the smirk. Is that 96 now?
I think Lance Armstrong is (deep inhale) a wonderful guy.
Everytime Lance talks to the press or give one of his prerecorded speeches he should be docked 10 points for running off at the mouth however truth be known , having Lance make his comeback only proves that he missed the lime light of stardom and was tired of dating has been actresses and country stars…
He’s now at 95.
i nominate “The General” for best Tour commercials. discuss
I’m drinking a shot of espresso everytime a Lance or Astana commercial comes on screen. I think I might have to go to the hospital.
Phil mentions Lance, “Dancing on his pedals”… Is that the first time this year?
Weird Ag2r argyle-like logo getting lots of play in the break today. JV likely to smother Ag2r DS tonight with a corduroy jacket.
I miss the Universal Giro announcrers
No feathered hair yet today…
Freire moving up through the pack like bacon and cream mussels through CJ’s digestive tract after one too many Piraats.
Going through tollbooths. Lance tells ‘Berto he needs exact change to get through.
Quit stealing our Stop signs. Put your own damn word for stop on ’em
Does Cadillac think cycling dudes know what it means to “slip on a new dress”?
http://www.versus.com/tourdefrancelive
Is that what Cadel calls it, Paul? Hiding his form?
Paul working on the ‘Lance is infallible’ narrative now. If he gets dropped it’s because he’s riding within himself.
Really? Cause I’m making money working in my jammies, drinking good coffee, and watching the Tour on my giant TV. You’re what, watching on your browser and shitting your pants every time Lumburgh walks by looking for his TPS report? Yeah, Versus TV is for losers.
I’ve got both on, suckas. HD on the tv, then to the web during commercials.
god damn, leipheimer is a compelling salesman. road ID? I AM IN.
For this to be a proper TdSchmalz we need a farm animal metaphor and awkward declarations of man crushes.
Caisse d’Epargne moving to the front to work for Alberto.
frankie: so 1992 it’s hilarious
When did Bobby Jindhal change his name to Robby Ventura?
CRASH!
Curse of the Chicken takes down another Rabobank.
Bottle thrown to ground!
Leipheimer crashes, Lance tells him to close his eyes and count to 100 and the team will then drag him back to the bunch.
And Phil is confused again.
Paul reads from the guidebook, makes a suave segue back to the race.
Crash Test team. Stay away from Rabobank riders in the peloton.
Rabbobank goes down again. I guess those new tires made from gummy bears aren’t working out so well.
There goes the Liquigas insight
Speaking of Bobby Jindhal, how cool would it be to have Kenneth the Page be a correspondent in the Tour?
Personally I am thrilled that every move Lance makes is being watched closer than the scrambled Playboy video at an eighth grade sleepover
The last twenty km. is about the last ten km.? Oooh, it sounds so non-Euclidian
Schmalz? Is that really you? Hmmm…Not sure. Prove it with a Thor SMASH tribute please, or a reference to an obscure Iowa beer.
From the Rev WW twitter: Crash for Levi. Hope he had his Road ID…
Anyone ever notice how Levi looks like half the men in NYC?
I’m neglecting my daughter right now. She’s youtubing amateur renditions of Barbie songs.
Posting on NYVelocity, neglecting your family. Yup sounds like typical NYC cyclist.
I think you mean “like all of the Empire dudes. Kind of femme”
I told my kids to walk themselves to camp today, even gave them the subway fare. That’s cool for a 5 and 7 year-old, right?
Mechanic tries to lower Levi’s saddle, not realizing the seatpost is bottomed out against the BB.
Short, bald, skinny, white. Yes. That’s pretty much half of the men in NYC.
Sadly it is me. I am following this stage via iPhone. The Star brewery was the only brewery in Iowa until the microbrew fad hit, before that Picketts brand ruled the day. SMASH!
Yeah! Schmalz! Andy is doing a great job as your replacement. The rest of us suck.
Lance just radioed back to the Hog, asking for a Spanish translation for “Left turn at alberquerque.”
Allez Cyril Dessel? How about Allez Maison Cyril Dessel…
Garmin moving up!
Yes he is and I am rapidly trying to unlearn the fact that Phil has an open marriage.
Now that I know that I’m going to let him grope me at Interbike.
Thank you Mrs. Liggett!!
“He” being whom, Dan?
jinx
jinx
Contador watching Armstrong like a hawk.
…and just what is “donkey work” Phil. TJ anyone?
The break is dropping members like Trannys at a sex change operation convention.
I have seen some excellent donkey work in Mexico.
TJ. Hee hee.
Getting up this early in Calgary is killing me. Agritubel looks like Aquafina
An Agritubel is dropped. Make an ‘Agritubel is poor’ joke now.
Wiggins has lost so much weight it’s like he’s a British super model – Twiggo?
Someone please attack!
Was that just the General Lee that I heard?
The race is now to see what finished first: the stage, my iPhone battery, or Menchov’s GC hopes.
Man crush fading!
someone else will be in yellow, it’s official…
Fabian is going down like catholic school girls at the senior prom.
Roman and Brice. Least know brother set since Joe and Ross Vannelli.
But they are more beloved than Castor and Pollux…
The only 2 in that break who have a chance for the win.
Cadel! Contador jumps on it.
here we go…
Wha? Cadel attacks? Is it raining frogs?
Armstrong tries to elbow ‘berto off Cadel’s wheel.
See ya, Lance!
Schleck should slow down, see if Lance will keep sitting behind him.
France pees it pants
Frogs raining again.
Frogs Reigning again
I think ‘Berto leapfrogged Lance there.
Yup, but ‘Berto is in 2nd place.
Nocentini in yellow, Contador 2nd, Armstrong 3rd.
And now Bob Roll will come on the air and say that Lance meant to do that all along.
Contador taking no chances. No way will he let Armstrong get yellow jersey and he showed he’s stronger rider.
Pathetic Sherwen. “Armstrong will be in yellow… No way will Contador attack him… Armstrong is being the best teammate helping Contador…”
Armstrong must be boiling that he didn’t get help to get back in yellow and there might not be another opportunity because Contador is just better
schmalz takes a day off, Evans attacks, Lance is a good teammate, Agritubel wins a stage.
a hot dinner tonight for taking the jersey? I think I saw the DS waving MRE’s out the window, jabbering about freeze-dried beef stroganoff if Nocentini didn’t start goddamn pedaling.
gracie combatives to be utilized tonight at astana dinner
From a friend who shall remain nameless: Contador looks like Ryan from ‘The Office’. I think that makes Lance Michael Scott.
I can’t believe the Tour had AG2R stencils at the ready for the yellow jersey!
Phil: “There’s no infighting as far as I can see.”
contador could’ve dance his way up the mountain much earlier. chompin’ at the bit, he was.
are no longer the pitiful pack fill of the Tour de France.
Good point. Is it the bio passport doing its thing?
The common narrative was that the French took the Festina affair more to heart, which is why they’ve been sucking the last few years.
Lance being interviewed, doing the ‘tell’ left and right.
Four Astanas, two Garmins and a Columbia in the top 10. A lowly A-zhay-deux-air in the lead. Poor Nocentini will be toyed with like one of those cappuchin monkeys strapped to a border collie at the Calgary Stampede.
Say hi to your (deep inhale) lovely wife for me, Frankie.
Too bad Columbia isn’t in the GC hunt, or they’d be able to bitch about poor AG2R not controlling the race.
Bert’s wat of saying if I wanted any shit out of you I’d check your depends ol man.
Columbia’s stated goal last year was to dominate shirts and podiums without a GC contender, so that Stapleton’s business plan showing the high ROI in sponsorship would be fulfilled.
Now he has HTC and a new plan for green jersey, meaning Tony Martin, while a nice boy, will most likely have to hitch a ride into permatenth Moreauesque non-threatining obscurity if he wants to hold on to white.
My guess is if Martin gets too close to the sun then he will be punished like Icarus.
Mistakes the last 3k for a downhill and has trouble mastering the speed of the switchback and has to freewheel it. Lance will lecture him on his bike skills back on the bus.
does his best Fred Astaire impersonation and makes Lance look like Ginger Rogers – as he dances backwards and in heels.
Kindly signs an autograph on a yellow jersey for a fan. A rider named Nocentini who has borrowed it for the day.
It’s Berto’s race to lose now.
Wait, Phil’s finally going to make the call… “Is this the post office ?”
Hinault in an interview on Thursday:
“If I were Contador, I would attack Armstrong tomorrow in the climb to Arcalis to set the record straight and show him who’s the boss,â€
Hmmmm. I wonder who ‘Berto is listening to?
gotta believe the LA – Berto drama is largely cooked up by those two and their agents.
bruno’s butt in ems face at the grammys’s
wardrobe malfunction
etc
etc
Gotta wonder if Feillu’s gonna get in trouble with the team sponsors for not zipping up before crossing the line. Rookie.
Hey everyone, good work today and remember to come back tomorrow. Almost ready to lay off Schmalz.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kF9dCDCWo64
You guys are hilarious, made my day.
Moved to Off Topic
Reporting that Levi and Lance were not happy with the attack as it was not “part of the plan” but expected nonetheless. This drama (real now) is going to be good. Final TT should be good watchin…
Contador had to make the move today. If Lance had gotten yellow, it would have been Lance’s race to lose.
We’ll see if Lance respects the jersey after Contador takes it tomorrow. Look for Lance to try making a move to take jersey first, but Contador is the stronger rider.
i like 11:35 comment. opposite day
They should check Alberto’s B sample right away.
http://tour-de-france.velonews.com/article/94871/velonews-video-armstrong-says-contador-attack-was-unplanned
Sounds like Lance and Levi agreed on the ‘talking points’.
Lance says, critics say….”…arrogant(true)…a doper(probably)…washed up(are you?)…afraud(well, that may be too strong a word)…I couldn’t let it go(isn’t that true? You don’t have the pedigree to sit in an office and giving lectures gets tired after a while).. Lance, you say you are not back on the bike for the critics…well, then who you are back on the bike for? Cancer survivors?
Does Bottle rock the RoadID during the Tour? I mean, he’s fairly forgettable…
things i don’t understand
1) Astana is acting like they didn’t want the responsibility of the yellow jersey cause it’s too much work, yet they spent the whole stage acting like they had it already
2) why phil and paul kept saying astana was setting an infernal pace up the climb – so infernal it couldn’t drop such esteemed climbers like Peter Velits. the group was 30 deep until the attacks started.
3) why was france de jeux amassing at the front at the bottom of the climb? planning a big move by sandy casar? really?
Is looking on point for the future Astana plan. Let the healing begin for Lance and France as he has the “Gaul” to ride human-like and win the Gauls over while working as the good servant for his master – The Prince of Pinto.
The French will totally get it and love it. (They know cycling) The one’s who won’t and will weep tears of sadness are the American members of the “Cult of Livestrong” who can’t imagine Lance not winning again.
Road ID commercial:
(Crash!)
“Someone get this stupid cyclo-tourist off the race course!”
“Wait, it says here it’s Levi Leipheimer!”
“Hi, I’m Levi Leipheimer, son, husband, LiveStrong toady. I wear Road ID because…”
Don’t listen to Phil and Paul. They’re just making it up and know nothing. They said the guy who won today was a sprinter and had no chance.
I don’t know when it started but they’re just part of the Armstrong entourage even down to wearing the yellow bracelets.
…can not be trusted…I’m pretty sure Contador wears headphones during the pre race team meetings.
he attacked from third in in line of astana riders???? what was that about???attacking to gain time on a jersey that the team was about to inherit (virtually)???
He did the same thing to Levi in the Vuelta…he is talented but he is a selfish bastard…Levi has worked for lance, lance has worked for levi, contador is looking out for contador
contador should have let lance get yellow today. then lance could have happily “let” contador (who looks like the best, anyway) ride away afterward and claim both that the comeback was a success and that he is a team player, etc. now LA is just pissed – how frustrated was he when he was explaining that “you have to sit on the wheels” over and over.
Firstly, stop writing to lance as if he reads your post.
secondly, he is on the bike for cancer survivors, the afflicted, and their support systems who’s lives are also affected.
Livestrong is a dead stick if lance is not riding…great charity, but they need to seek a management consultant…How to raise money, attention, and do their great work without making lance race pro tour until he’s 50…
“Livestrong is a dead stick if lance is not riding…great charity, but they need to seek a management consultant…How to raise money, attention, and do their great work without making lance race pro tour until he’s 50…”
He looks like he’s already 50 in that photo up there.
be prepared for endless comparisons to Richard Virenque by the media. Both riders sacrificed hearty meals for mountain glory.
I do read this post – Juan Pelota
Lance, please go back to bed and try to get some sleep. You have a very special weekend ahead and don’t want to miss out on all of the fun because you’re crankier than usual.
Good night,
Bert
What is playing nice, grinding teeth and sitting on wheels worth on the phallometer? I would say +3 today.
Despite the overwhelming success of WikiSchmalz, a Friday without Hopeful is a Friday wasted. How do I talk trash about Unionvale?
Are you sure? Are you sure they weren’t talking about his brother the sprinter, Romain Feillu?
who really wants to wear a wristband? even levi doesn’t wear it during TT. and bobke is getting the corp $.
real cyclist don’t like anything on their wrist and if they do they have a livestrong band and maybe a watch. but to wear another thing – not practical.
contador was brilliant – he knew that if yellow was on lances shoulders, johan would have had the team work for lance and it would have been game over.
congrats to conti. hope he lands on a team next year that 1. respects him and doesn’t make him sit in the back of the bus because he doesn’t speak english 2. has team mates that will work for him especially in a TTT so as to limit his loses as that’s about the only thing that will keep lance in the hunt.