Tour day Schmalz Stage 21

by schmalz

The Tandy man can

Today’s stage brings the end of the 2009 Tour, a 21 stage – well, let’s call it a battle I suppose. It will probably be a Tour more remembered for the internecine battles within the Astana bus than for the battles out on the road. This Tour will be remembered for a few moments of on-road drama: the split, the chase, the attack, and the mullet and the man perm escape But for the most part the race was a slap fight to see who would lead the Astana team, a fight won by Alberto Contador. Who is, right now, the best stage racer in the world, and in dominating the Tour so convincingly he will held in both the highest esteem and the greatest suspicion. Welcome to cycling in 2009!

Preview
Stage 1
Stage 2
Stage 3
Stage 4
Stage 5
Stage 6
Stage 7
Stage 8
Stage 9
Stage 10
Stage 11
Stage 12
Stage 13
Stage 14
Stage 15
Stage 16
Stage 17 
Stage 18
Stage 19 
Stage 20

 
So we now bid adieu to a Tour that has seen death, fires, drama, jealously, anger, revenge and a couple of light shootings. It’s going to be a very dark Monday.
 
Stage 21
 
I tune in and the commentary team is describing Lance’s third place in various states of tumescence, from Phil’s mild engorging to Bob Roll’s full Lance-on.
 
Paul somehow thinks that Astana might have got all top four places if Levi hadn’t dropped out, neglecting to remember Levi’s penchant for a bad day in the mountains™, Kloden’s predisposition to exploding into gristle on hills, and the fact that Andy Schleck was in the race.
 
149k to go, Thor SMASH is chatting with Lance, asking why Lance didn’t crush the legging bones of the boy that took his yellow shirt away.
 
Andy and Contador chatting, arguing over their favorite Jonas Brother. The answer is always Joe, by the way.
 
There’s no way anyone can be expected to take 3 hours of this, I’m going to have to zip ahead on the Tivo and watch for whizzing riders and costume changes.
 
Here’s a spot on Garmin’s chef, up next, Pozzato’s haberdasher.
 
Lance is riding a special bike today for awareness. It’s been airbrushed with paint made from Levi’s tears.
 
There’s VDV and Tyler talking, Tyler is telling him about Cav’s backside in excruciating detail.
 
It looks like they’ve put Contador o a black LiveSTRONG frame. It’s been outfitted with special Realistic speakers that play Molly Hatchet songs and will detonate upon arrival in Paris.
 
They show a close up of Moreau, who for some reason has a gold helmet on. He beseeches the folks at home to please shop the Agritubel garage sale or they won’t be able to afford to bring back two of their Spaniards.
 
Here’s a Tyler interview, how’s he going to come by Cav today? They’ve tried everything short of stabbing.
 
I fast forward to the Cav interview, he says he’s nervous that Columbia won’t find anything to complain about today.
 
112k to go, and Fabian shows off his tan for the camera, can VS retroactively read my mind somehow?
 
Here’s a George interview, Robbie asks who he thinks he’ll be riding for next year and George says that he’s got a sweet TRS80 that he’d love to sell him.
 
I move ahead to the Frankie interview of Lance – he seems a little subdued. Hmm, is a discussion of modern art with Frankie a phallometric moment? Probably not, but saying he didn’t celebrate with the team and went to dinner with the Radio Shack guys instead does merit a -1. And what’s more amazing, that Lance finished third or that he’s sitting at 68 on the phallometer? Which puts him in a dead heat with, um, me – I hate it when snark jumps up as bites you in the masculine parts.
 
OK, time to get to Paris, that was 3 hours of treading video water.
 
We hit the streets and Beppu of Skil Shimano takes off, as Skil has only won the team prize for “most desperate” so far.
 
49k to go, a group of narcissists and showboats have formed at the front, and I am shedding a tear for the absence of Toto Commesso this year.
 
We have the usual TV concubines up there: Dumoulin and Barredo, but Voeckler is missing! How is this possible?
 
38 k to go, the break has 30 hopeless seconds.
 
Thor’s SMASH green jersey is almost wrapped up, it would take a Cav victory and the misfortune of catching a Spaniard in his spokes at the finish.
 
I wonder if they are going to have that super cool side view camera shot of the sprint finish again this year? So we can see everyone following behind Cav puke in their mouths a little from the side for a change?
 
35k to go, Columbia at the front of the race chasing, keeping the break at around 30 seconds, grumbling about the belt display in the Chanel Store, they like more whimsy in their accessory windows.
 
26k to go, the break is at 36 seconds, it’s Columbia break to chase. They pool their efforts together and say that the Arc de Triomphe is a gauche tribute to militarism.
 
23k to go, I can’t see this break staying away, if Columbia can’t close, I can see a scenario where Garmin comes to the front, which will prompt Lance to tweet that Jonathan Vaughters hates Samuel Doumoulin.
 
20k to go, and now the race will get interesting.
 
Is Dumoulin’s bike taller than he is?
 
15k to go, the break has 20 seconds, the gap of the damnded. Columbia is chasing, critiquing the distrances between the road stripes on the Parisian streets.
 
13k to go, the gap is down to 12 seconds; cue the desperate last kilometer escape of Tommy Voeckler, please.
 
12 k to go, the break is almost caught the pack is spreading across the rode like the trash from a carnie’s overturned garbage can.
 
11k to go, I wonder if we can get another Thor SMASH on the Champs? He’s sitting on Cav’s wheel and getting a draft like the one he would from following a toddler in a Cozy Coupe.
 
10 k to go, Lance moves up from 35th to 30th as Phil and Paul get the vapors.
 
8k to go the break at the front has split, leaving three riders on the front to continue to annoy Columbia. Beppu is still up there.
 
6.8k to go, they get the bell as they hang on to a gap of 9 seconds, a duration shorter than the time it takes to marry an intoxicated Britney Spears.
 
5.6k to go, the break is caught, how has Tommy Voeckler not jumped yet?
 
5k to go, Tyler is up near Cav, but he looks isolated?
 
4.2k to go, and like clockwork Milram are moving up to deliver Ciolek to 5th.
 
4k to go, Garmin has collected themselves and move up on the right. VDV is on the front, followed by Millar, Dean and Tyler. Can this work?
 
2.9k to go, VDV still on the front, Millar chose to wear the “naked arms with dish washing gloves” Garmin skinsuit, apparently believing that effeminate clothing brings good luck.
 
2.4k to go, VDV pulls off, leaving Tyler two guys for his leadout, with two Columbias guiding Cav, that might not be enough for Tyler.
 
1k to go, George jumps Garmin. Millar pulls off to do the dishes, Dean moves over to the Columbia train, taking Tyler.
 
George pulls off, Dean and Tyler go around, Renshaw’s leading Cav with Thor SMASH on Cav’s tail.
 
C’mon Tyler!
 
Here’s the side view. Dear God there’s no one else in the camera shot of Cav’s win. He could do a victory dance pantomiming a call to Tandy customer service and still win by 5 bike lengths.
 
Contador goes over the line and wins the Tour, pending all test results.
 
Let’s wait to see what Lance says about that shall we?
 
Here’s a Tyler interview – is his haircut the result of some sort of rookie hazing?
 
Here’s the Lance interview – Frankie gets to ask one last time how it feels to be riding as the guy who supports the guy who won. Frankie keeps a straight face and asks how Lances thinks he’s going to beat Contador in the future. Lance says he thinks Berto’s strong, but has some weaknesses which he isn’t going to share as he hopes to exploit them. He then turns away to ascend to the stars on a yellow rainbow. 

51 Comments

Whelasucka!

“is a discussion of modern art with Frankie a phallometric moment?”

Wait, Lance did say that once that bike sells, it will be the most expensive bike ever sold. That has to take points away!

stem sucker

not having dinner with the team the night before the last stage of a convincing TDF victory should net LA about 50 phallo-demerits. this phallometric data is tainted.

mikeweb

My copied comment from stage 20 – cuz I’m lazy like that…

Imagine the time gaps if Contador hadn’t been reined in on the Arcalis stage so that Astana wouldn’t have to “defend the yellow jersey” a week early. They had practically half the team in the top 10 and were riding at the front for the whole week after that anyway!

Between that and the top rider on the GC having to wait for a teammate(?!) this TdF was pretty F-ed up. But then again, what did we expect going into it, right? And skipping the victory party? I think LA has done a lot for the sport, but as they say, when you start believing your own hype, you’re in trouble.

Hmm, if Contador can end up on a team with all the riders that Lance has insulted publicly or otherwise dicked over, it wouldn’t be a half bad squad…

Wheelsucker

The link below, to a Colombian newspaper, has a page-one article that reads “Lance cannot pretend [that he is not upset over being on the third spot.]” The pictures say it all. The guy’s got high-degree narcissistic disorder (Prospect Park winners anyone?), which makes him the S. Palin of cycling. When things don’t go their way, it is the media, it is the French, it is the younger, etc. Scary, cuz that, and media manipulation, makes for a successful politician nowadays. He-llo Mr. Governor, Sir. Scary as all hell.

As for Conti: dude’s won four grand tours since 2007. That, my friends, takes cojones, two of them – ok, perhaps a bit of CERA on the side, but who’s counting? The Dick (TM) would never saddle up for more than three weeks a year.

The newspaper, by the way, is the main paper in Lisban Quintero’s homestate: http://www.elpais.com.co/paisonline/index.html

Andy

“Hmm, if Contador can end up on a team with all the riders that Lance has insulted publicly or otherwise dicked over, it wouldn’t be a half bad squad…”

I think that team already exists and goes by the name ‘Garmin’.

Wheelsucker

“It’s been outfitted with special Realistic speakers that play Molly Hatchet songs and will detonate upon arrival in Paris.”

Wheelsucker

Lance on Astana always seemed like a weird fit. USA-USA-USA- Nike-Trek- multi national- Lance on a Kazak team?

Wheelsucker

Check out the other pictures on the yahoo sports link mikeweb posted. Lots of good stuff in there…
i.e. Sergio riding on the hood of the Astana car for the victory lap (just didn’t have the legs for one more loop of the Champs Elysees?) (#78 and 102); Lance’s children decked out in solid yellow (including those yellow baby shoes)–should be minus some points on the meter (#s 116 and 120); Lance making the most hilarious sad face ever (#124); Johan pretending to like Berto (#82); and Cadel smiling(?) for the camera(?!?!?) (#35)

‘Twas a great tour…ended almost exactly how I wanted (I would have preferred if Lance was 4th)…now I don’t know quite what to do with myself until next year…and I sure wish Berto could/would ride the Vuelta!

mikeweb

To be fair, I think some of the shots of Lance’s sourpuss might’ve been that appreantly the Danish national anthem was played instead of the Spanish one for Contador. This of course is assuming that LA knows the difference between the two…

mikeweb

I want one.

If only to answer inquiries about it by explaining that it’s “My fingerbang hat. You know, finger goes bang!” (hats off to BSNYC for that – hilarious!)

Wheelsucker

Lance should lose future phallo-points (say 200+) for not joining Alberto and the team for the celebratory dinner. Can’t he just swing by Radio Shack in Austin sometime next week when he’s buying a new crystal radio hobby kit to while away the boredom and impending dread of nothing to do until his next chance to steal the spotlight from the winner of a race (like Leadville)?

What an arrogant asshole. They should have tripped him as he was stepping off of the podium. I’m going to throw a bag of shit at him at his next scheduled public appearance. And not just any bag of shit… I’m going to make a trashbag collection over the next few months. Hopefully my building manager won’t mind if I store it in the basement.

Wheelsucker

LA is a bonafide celb. It’s a weird life, and they are different than civilians. However, that’s no excuse. My experience with the following male celebs on various commercial productions.

Cool:
Brad Pitt
Tom Cruise (great guy believe it or not)
Alec Baldwin
Bono

Not:
John Mayer
Kanye West
Mel Gibson
Charlie Sheen
Lance

Wheelsucker

Are you jewish? Mel Gibson loves jews, so if you are then I am very surprised. It has to be you.

sports marketing expert

the watts per kilo, the skinsuits, the fancy bikes, the top-notch medical programs, and so on: all part of the picture, yes, and certainly necessary prerequisites for even lower-level success. however, the athletes who reach heights above and beyond those achieved by the merely “talented” and “dedicated” (and medicated) are those with the vision and foresight to craft their own personally-branded baseball hats.

Wheelsucker

if he does, he’s gonna be f*cked up … seemed like the fromaggi was on mescalin this year.

Wheelsucker

what, that’s shocking news that contador lobs something back?

armstrong’s been ripping on him for months, sometimes directly and sometimes in a backhanded compliment sort of way.

whatever. let’s move on. aren’t there any fights at fbf to talk about or bento box-users to make fun of?

dedicated reader

ha, yeah, you’re right, it’s totally uninteresting that the new superstar of cycling and the stubborn motherf*cker he’s succeeding are engaging in an open feud, despite being teammates… yawn

Wheelsucker

If it weren’t for TdS, 09 TdF would have been one hell of a sleeper. Armstrong kinda ruined the damn thing I think and what a fucking sore loser that prick is. One last thing, no positives the year of Armstrong return. What an o’ so familiar crock of shit that turned out to be.

Wiggo got hosed!

Wheelsucker

Guy just has no brains upstairs or terrible advisors.
Thing is over. bask in your glory.
instead, he takes shots at armstrong, the only reason anyone watched this oh-so-boring tour.
he was a moron during the race.
he’s no wiser today.

lance and whatever squad he fields will chew him and his stupidity up in 2010.
you heard it hear first.

chew on that!

Wheelsucker

if armstrong and whatever cast of characters radio shack puts together can beat contador like this. contador just won the tdf by himself, no help from his team. in all of lance’s wins, he had great help, from hincapie, vdv, whoever. contador won totally solo, which is equally impressive and suspicious.

Wheelsucker

Why does everyone love wiggins? IF Lance, Schlecks and Contador doped, I got news for you Wiggins and Vandevelde did also.

Either the whole top 10 is doing it or not.

Wheelsucker

Now Contador won on his own. a one man team. Who pulled him around the flat stages, set pace for him in the wind, kept him out of trouble in the final K’s?

He won by 4 minutes, could have been 8+ over Lance, but who cares.

Wheelsucker

Lance’s recent twitter post: lancearmstrong: “hey pistolero, there is no “i” in “team”. what did i say in March? Lots to learn. Restated.”
My latest post: “@lancearmstrong there’s also no ‘i’ in a$shole…but there is a u.”

(okay, I know there’s not really a u in a$shole…but I was still pretty proud of this comeback).

Can’t wait until 2010 Tour to watch Berto destroy Lance again…

and by the way, now that the Tour is over, it is definitely time for me to stop following Lance on twitter!!

Wheelsucker

I’ve noticed a lot of “Pro Lance” comments. This isn’t the velocitynation.com that I know.

2 possible reasons:

1. This page has become enormously popular across the nation reaching a larger and more “diverse” cycling population.

or

2. Lance is sicking the “Livestrong Dogs” on you.

I don’t know what’s a better compliment 😀

But let this be clear..If you are a fan of Lance that’s fine, but if you believe that he’s clean and always has been you are definitely lurking on the wrong website.

Wheelsucker

Annecy TT: Conti has to hitch a ride with his bro cuz The Dick (TM) hoarded all the Asstana vehicles for his friends and family who came to see him end up in 16th place: wow!

Ventoux: Conti has to hitch a ride with his bro and g.f. cuz the team had to rush down the mountain and could not wait for the podium presentations.

Up Ventoux: Gutierrez tries to hand Conti a bottle, only to have The Dick (TM) rush and intercept said bottle, drink from it, and then offer it to Conti, who refused. Gutierrez says that he asked Lance to return the bottle.

The day of the split: Rojas, the Caisse ‘sprinter’ is right behind Conti and Conti’s r.h. and only assigned “teammate,” Paulinho. Rojas says that he thought Paulinho would not let a split open up in the line, which is exactly what happened. Conti went on to lose over 40 seconds, which it is said now was the plan to settle the leadership in favor of The Dick (TM).

Sure, there is no ‘i’ in team as there is an A in ASSHOLES. The Hog and The Dick (TM) make W. and Cheney look like progressive leaders.

Wheelsucker

…being a vociferous anti-lance fan is one thing but christ almighty, there are some seriously delusional motherfuckers on this site…

…re: garmin’s skinsuits…they really couldn’t get much worse…

…schmalzy’s “Lance is riding a special bike today for awareness. It’s been airbrushed with paint made from Levi’s tears.” is solid ass gold medal winner…

Wheelsucker

http://www.competitivecyclist.com/road-bikes/whats-new/cakes-climbs-and-race-numbers.305.html

July 27, 2009

lance fan boys….i hope contador rides for garmin next year. 2nd strongest gc team 2nd fastest sprinter…..not bad for a 1 year old pro tour team the real LANCE…….not televised or blogged about above A Tale of solitude http://www.diariosur.es/20090727/deportes/ciclismo/fiesta-privada-contador-20090727.html It happened on Thursday, a few hours before the Annecy ITT. Contador came downstairs to the entrance of the Palace of Menthon, the luxurious Astana hotel. The Tour was on. He looked right, then left. Nobody, nothing. No Astana cars or helpers. Cold sweat. Quick time check. Where are they? The hotel is several kilometers from the start. There he was, the leader of the Tour, in flip-flops, bag in hand and alone. He went to the hall looking for an answer: Armstrong had ordered the helpers to go pick up his wife, kids and friends to the airport. Contador left his room last because he was the last one starting the ITT. Armstrong had managed to take away his means of transportation. The straw that broke the camel’s back. Hot flashes, he was rabid. He called his brother Fran. He came to pick him up by car and took him to Annecy in a private vehicle. He left last and finished first. His best victory. In the ITT. In solitude. The same way he has won his second tour. Contador’s toughest climb was not recorded in images. It was narrated by others. It was fought in the hotel and the bus: during one stage, Armstrong sat his guests at the very back of the bus, right in Contador’s usual seat. One more provocation. Armstrong to the luxury suite. Contador to sleep with Paulinho, the only ally. Same deal during the entire tour. Mouth shut, listening to Armstrong’s jabs: “It doesn’t take a Nobel prize to figure out what happens with side winds”. Contador didn’t reply in the hotel. He did on the road. He attacked in the first mountain finish in Arcalis. Without permission from Bruyneel, Armstrong’s DS. That night the Astana hotel was a funeral. Red eyes from the Texan (anger? crying? not sure). The first cyclist that stood up to him. And he did it in silence.” Not in the article – apparently LA did not attend the team dinner in Paris to celebrate Contadors victory.
– jb, montreal

West Coast Reader

Wow, what a story! Somehow I doubt the English speaking media will ever report that story! Thanks for linking it.

The special hat for Contador was his F-U to the Armstrong shenanigans and from the pictures he didn’t like it much, eat it Lance!

I continue to laugh at the bad Contador tactics of winning not losing, yea if that’s bad I think everyone will soon sign up for those tactics!

Wheelsucker

See? It used to be that the ‘patron’ (copyright free) could intimidate anyone. Poor Simeoni is still a pathetic footnote to The Dick (TM)’s narcissism. It took a skinny-ass Spaniard to shut the Texas prick down. After all, there is so much intimidation you can muscle up when you are unable to breathe, let alone follow any real wheels up a road or in the I.T.T. These days no one’s scared of ‘America’, even with its lame tactics of isolating a fellow rider at the table, hotel, bus, or wherever. What a sore asshole The Dick really is. Cue: abandoned by his father he is left to screw as many blondes who look oddly enough like his own mother. Awareness (TM).

Wheelsucker

…@ 11:19am…w/ all the ‘standing on a soapbox’ finger pointing you do, dude, i gotta ask:- you ever read yer own shit & wonder just where yer life took such a fucking nosedive ???…the way you harp on & on about the lance-ster is very revealing but it’s all about you & exceedingly little about him…

…if you ever got the kinda help you really need, that’d be one shrink who’d have a goddam field day…

…love, bgw…& that, in yer case, motherfucker, is one very facetious use of the word “love”…

Modrules

Hi. I’m spaniard from Madrid and do lot of cycling. I sometimes train with Cervelo, Caisse D’Epargne proRiders living in Madrid. And can confirm point by point what Wheelsucker says in his post.
Lance has undermined any single move from ALberto since he announced his comeback. But ALbertoi had the guts to confront Lance in the Asphalt and that was the result. I’m delighted that ALberto defeated a guy that says that Team is the most important thing and then does not give a shit on the guy that2 is the leader of the team

Wheelsucker

Impressive analysis, indeed. Now, I am a shrink and here’s what I’d recommend you do, dude: stick your head slowly out your ass and say “laaah…laaaahn…Laaaaaaaaance.” There, that might help your infatuation with the Lance-ster (TM).

Wheelsucker

…the dicktator…i wasn’t so much analyzing you, doc, as simply calling you a moron w/ a limited viewpoint which personally, i make no bones about but hey, that’s neither here nor there…

…i am however vastly relieved to know that you are a shrink for two reasons:-

…(1) it means that w/out doubt, you fully understand my suggestion that you are projecting as regards the lance-ster…so we can consider that closed…

…& (2) being a “professional” w/ training in the medical field, you’re obviously aware that your suggestion is quite physically impossible…so again, we can also consider that closed…

…love, bgw…& the usual “blah, blah, blah”…

…post script…thanks for the support ws 10:33pm…i’d guess the good doctor, besides being (i’d hope) a cyclist is also a chef in his spare time…his recipe for cooking his own goose was quite superb…

…just sayin’…

Enzo Brifter

If Armstrong has proved anything through July it’s the fact that he is truly the biggest dickhead ever to put his leg over a bike, aribba Berto

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