Let me just say that I am a full-service smarty pants and in response to requests from readers (or just the voices in my head), I will be doing a rare double today—both a nasally-spoken word broadcast and a written TdS for the same Tour stage. This is a rare occurrence, as doing both in the same day usually starts me on the road to divorce and poverty (sadly, the TdS is an incredibly non-profit enterprise), but today I am willing to risk both, because there are very thin fellows competing in France who need to be evaluated and unfairly judged by a guy in suburban New jersey.

Yesterday’s stage saw Alberto Contador and Andy Schleck playing the "slow game" on the final climb of the day, while Denis "The Silent Killer" Menchov and Sammy "The Loud Jaywalker" snuck away to gain valuable time on both Berto and Andy. This was an odd strategic decision from Andy because he needs to gain time on every mountain stage as his upcoming time trial performance will probably be as successful as a production of the Vagina Monologues starring Mel Gibson.

The Vino beast also seems to have been sated after a meaty stage win was tossed into his cage yesterday. Vinokourov acted as a faithful teammate to Contador in the final moments of stage 14, but Vino will always be Vino, and there’s just no predicting what he will do next. My guess is that he will use his rank as a Kazakh General to formulate a plan to invade Luxembourg and steal Andy Schleck’s security blanket, but anything can happen—this is Vino we are talking about after all.

Live stage

Today’s stage profile with its two cat two climbs and final HC climb will have a winnowing effect on the race dropping the weak from the strong—much like the training Navy Seals or the contestants on "So You Think You Can Dance" undergo—don’t try and tell me that Kent Boyd isn’t fierce!

Today’s stage will be a little strange as I will know how it turned out beforehand, so I must behave much like a professional wrestler. I know the script, but I mustn’t let on that I know who gets pinned, and speaking of scripts—when will Lance attack and win his stage? VS has a lot of time to fill here.

64.9k to go and there’s a big break away, Saxo Bank is working and the gap is at 9:09. Paul is rocking the media guide and mentions that there’s talc mines nearby. Phil nearly gushes with delight as no one appreciates a dusted undercarriage more than he.

I can tell you now that this situation doer not change for a very long time—there are brief moments where Jens goes to the front and puts some masters racer in cardiac jeopardy, but for the most part this stays the same until the last climb. Let’s jump ahead shall we?

32.2k to go, and the break is on the climb. Jens is powering the pack and aiding elderly racer tumescence like a Betty Page film.

31.5k to go, Paul says that Van Summeren will "whack out" the tempo in the climb.

30.8k to go, the lead group is down to 5, and it includes Van Summeren, Ballan and Voeckler—who would bleed Bordeaux to win today.

Tonight’s commentary is brought to you by Saranac Summer Brew.

29.6k to go, Voeckler attacks in the tri-color jersey of the French champion, the only way this attack could be more French is if Voeckler lit a cigarette and  tongue kissed the camera.

28.6k to go, Saxo still chasing in the pack, Ballan is chasing Voeckler, avoiding jinx being wished on him by every housewife in France.

27.7 Roche has a flat and gets a front wheel change just slightly less awkward than a wedding reception first dance between newlywed first cousins.

27.2 k to go, Voeckler has 25 seconds on Ballan, and he’s unzipped his jersey and exposed his Gallic nipples to the open air.

26.9k to go, Wiggo getting popped, falls back to the Sky Team car to make sure his paycheck has cleared.

25.9k to go, Voeckler is riding his bike like an orangutan learning the electric slide, but he’s still gaining on Ballan.

25k to go, Voeckler has a six minute gap and he’s about 3k from the summit and 

24.7k to go, Ballan is laboring on his bike like he’s making a tapestry of slowness. 

24.1k to go, Andy Schleck attacks after his team pulls off the front. Bert follows so as not to lose the Tour. Van Den Broeck and Sanchez hang on. Menchov slides up to the move. Menchov fever! It’s like a social disease, but without the friction-y fun part.

24k to go, obligatory Lance shot, he’s out the back, no stage win today, Phil and Paul get their goldenrod script pages.

23.3k to go, Voeckler about 2k from the summit, grinding on that bike like a schnapps-filled freshman at the fall mixer.

23.2k to go, Schleck at the front of the race, using big boy words.

22.9k to go, Voeckler looks across the climb towards the summit—I know I’ve made a lot of jokes about the French toying with France’s emotions, but they’ve done so well this year that it doesn’t seen apt—not that I will stop mind you.

22.4k to go, Voeckler 1k from the summit, he looks across the valley to see if he can catch a glimpse of himself on the jumbotron.

21.9k to go, Andy Schleck jumps, Vino follows, Andy’s wheel hops and he looks down, his chain hangs as lifeless as a carnival goldfish. Berto blasts by in an instant. Andy has lost his chain, he puts a foot down and tries to pull on the chain so it will make the moo cow noise again. Berto escapes.

Andy messes with his chain at the side of the road, trying to get it back on, but the yellow triangle won’t go into the red square hole, he’s cursing the day he ever found out about that Fisher price derailleur.

Schleck gets his chain back on and gets a push from a Mavic mechanic who runs like he’s a minotaur, except with duck parts.

Sanchez is at the front now in front of Berto, pushing the pace.

21.6k to go, Voeckler hits the summit and begins the descent.

21.2k to go, we now have a situation where one of the Schleck brothers has to take back time on a descent. Andy radios to Bjarne and tells him to call his mom and tell her to put the TV in the fridge.

19.6k to go, Berto, Menchov and Sanchez are blasting it now.

18.9k togo, Andy is riding like he’s heard the second bell on the playground.

Contador is flying up the hill!

Berto hits the summit with about 26 seconds on Schleck.

15k to go, Andy tucks onto his top tube, his mom just threw up into her mouth.

14k to go, Voeckler is grunting out a stage win here.

What a descent! Does anyone feel comfortable about a Schleck pushing it on the descent?

11.7k to go, Sanchez is descending like a demon, and if Andy is a little shaky on descents, then Menchov is an earthquake tremor. Sanchez is gapping Contador. Whoa, tight corner! Schleck makes it, and is rewarded by the sight of a shirtless Frenchman in striped shorts.

Paul says that Bert’s move may be a little unclassy. I need a ruling here, if someone gets caught behind a crash or has a mechanical on a cobbled stage then that’s cool, but in the mountains, they have to wait? What about stages next to water?

8.1k to go, Voeckler almost buys it on a corner! He would’ve been removed from that stone wall with a spatula! And he would’ve been delicious.

Menchov and Sanchez are working hard, counting on an Andy disaster in the TT.

5.5k to go, Vino sitting on Schleck, will he attack?

2.3k to go, Voeckler will take the stage, barring a disaster or a "Menchovian moment".

1k to go for Voeckler, he’s got plenty of time to figure out his victory salute, I’m hoping for a salute to broadway, but I’d settle for a electric slide—that orangutan is a good instructor. Voeckler removes his glasses, prepares the Voeckler face, he takes the corner, hears his DS tell him that those are Nike glasses and that his is contractually obligated to bring rad to France, and he puts them back on, Voeckler complies and shakes his head—and I’m not making that up.

Voeckler does no less than 10 different victory salutes coming into the finish, one of which is some sort of odd bowing motion perhaps lifted from a Janet Jackson back-up dancer. He finally lifts up his jersey and kisses it, leaving himself with a fine finish line halter top for the photographers.

The "treachery group" is now finishing, Menchov is pushing. Bert takes the inside on the last corner and almost gets taken out by the AG2r guy.

Here comes Andy, let’s see what the gap is. He’s out of yellow, Vino resists urge to attack him at the line.