The Tour this year, like an episode of Barney Miller, has been configured to have most of the action happen towards the end. Today’s stage will be the beginning of the chain of events that will metaphorically end with a defiant Abe Vigoda standing over a pile of vanquished criminals with his smoking sidearm in his hand. My memories of most of the story arcs of Barney Miller episodes are a little hazy, of course, but I’m pretty sure that’s the way 75% of them ended. And, yes, I know that I am shamelessly pandering to the younger demographic these last two stages with my references to Shields and Yarnell and Abe Vigoda, but I refuse to apologize.

Preview
Stage 1
Stage 2
Stage 3
Stage 4
Stage 5
Stage 6
Stage 7
Stage 8
Stage 9
Stage 10
Stage 11
Stage 12

Today the Tour starts hitting some more serious hills, with two cat 2s, two cat 3s, and a cat 1 climb. The climbs aren’t at the end of the stage, so any GC shake ups will have to come from a Hinault approved big attack, instead of a last k jump to a hilltop finish. The most likely candidate for this type of attack is Cadel Evans, and typing out that sentence almost made my keyboard melt.

But, of course, the most significant shake up in the GC battle happened when Levi Leipheimer went to get his wrist x-rayed. It’s not good form to kick a man when he’s down, so I will take the classy route and not comment on Levi’s retirement in any manner except for restrained respect. I will say that losing Levi is a terrible blow for awareness, and Lance will be wingman-free in his back of the bus videos. But to be honest, it looked like he was phasing Levi out of the shows anyway, word on the street says that he was thinking of replacing him with Kloden – who is rumored to be able to do a dead on Carol Channing imitation.

Stage 13

103k to go, it’s a rainy day out there and there’s a group of 3 riders out ahead which includes Chavanel, Perez Moreno, and Haussler, they are at 8:59. They are a strong group, but it’s a long wet way to the finish.

95k to go, and I’m cheating on Phil and Paul by watching the VS internet feed – as they actually show the race. Astana starting to go to the front.

93k to go, and the better Feillu jumps away from the field. And how odd is it that one Feillu is a climber and the other is a sprinter? Are they like a French Laurel and Hardy brother duo? And yes, that’s another reference for the kids out there.

Frankie and Levi interview – Levi’s wrist didn’t start hurting until later in the night.

Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm and Martinez go for the polka dot sprint, and they shoulder each other! Somewhere Abdoujaparov just giggled. Martinez gets it.

83k to go, the break is dropping time like a Real World cast member drops their girlfriend back home.

80k to go, the big climb of the day is coming up, and Linus is making a move on the descent.

And since we’re on the radios today, we can give you the feed of Johan Bruyneel’s transmissions. He pops off a free form spicy verse.
"A wet Linus riding a spicy race.
I grunt in saucy approval."

Linus does have a good chance at this stage, he’s finished off the front by himself on a mountain stage before, but he’s sandwiched in between the pack and the break, he’s got about 20 seconds. Mmmmm, Linus sandwich. Oops, did I type that out loud?

On a programming note, I’ve been able to make a graphic representation of the phallometer – so I remember to keep track of the points. Lance’s current status is at 94.

70k to go, Linus is still hanging on out front at 30 seconds, it seems he’s taking the Hinault route today. Somewhere in Italy, Toto is watching the Tour, thinking to himself, "I should’ve hit that when I had the chance."

68k to go, and we get our first on-camera whizz of this Tour! How have I not seen more of this?

67k to go, Linus has about a minute and a half on the field now. He might just get chased down by Astana for spiteful reasons, as Linus said some naughty things about awareness earlier in the season.

"This is not positive for the credibility of cycling," said Gerdemann, winner of the Tour of Germany. "But there’s nothing anyone can do about it."

Hmmm, I wonder if Lance remembers that quote?

66k to go, Haussler and Chavanel are dropping Perez, who is not riding in a very Euskaltel manner.

Haussler and Chavanel have a chat on the hill, they have to decide whether they should let Linus join and concede the title of "prettiest breakaway rider". Chavanel thinks he’ll keep the title, but who is he kidding?

64k to go, and in a shocking development, Astana is at the front.

They show Cav in the hill – to make everyone else feel better.

Saxobank is massing at the front adding to the pace to see who they can drop.

Lance is looking not so fresh in the group. It looks like they are dropping Wiggo also. Paul says that it’s surprising to see Moreau drop back – and somehow doesn’t break into laughter.

Linus is about to get caught. Awareness avenged.

61k to go, Haussler and Chavanel are grinding their way to the summit like a pair of sloths in mating season.

Linus is now getting spit out of the front group like a prune at a toddler’s birthday party. Lance just said, "Who’s got prunes?!"

This descent is going to be eventful in the rain.

60k to go, Lance at the front of the group, Phil and Paul swooning.

Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawms the mountain points.

It seems that Contador was in front of Lance at the summit, has his race radio shorted out?

Phil and Paul mention that Virenque holds the record for the most mountain’s jerseys, neglecting to mention the fact that he was perhaps also the biggest dick to ever hold the polka dot jersey.

53k to go, Haussler dropping Chavanel on the descent. This descent could end up screwing more racers than CERA ever did.

47k to go, Chavanel descending like a, hmm, what nationality would Cav say here?

Feillu and Batman sound effect Txurruka are chasing now.

45k to go, Chav should be able to catch back up to Haussler on the climb.

I feel that I should mention how much more interesting today’s stage would be without race radios, but apparently the UCI’s mind has been changed – they hate to see the Hog cry.

Let’s have a Hog haiku shall we?
It’s a long day out
When you are in the team car
Pushing the aged

35k to go, so Chav has to catch Haussler on the hill to then try and match his descent on the other side on the hill? Does that sound probable?

29 k to go, Haussler has gained time on Chav, he’s at a minute now. If Haussler wins that would be two wet victories for Cervelo, a fact that mean absolutely nothing.

Phil and Paul mention that Menchov had some trouble on the climb, is he trying to infringe on Levi’s Bad Day in the Mountains™ trademark? Cause that’s totally uncool with Levi out of the race.

25k to go, Chavanel at two minutes down, looks like fear has boned the French again.

23k to go, Silence Lotto is at the front to try and set up something for Cadel. A situation which I imagine is like being the opening band for Stryper.

22k to go, Andy Schleck pulls over to get a battery change for his Leapster.

21k to go, only a wet ride downhill separates Haussler and a victory. That same decent will separate Chavanel’s man onions from their normal position in his scrotum.

Txurruka is dropping Feillu in the race to be overlooked.

18k to go, Txurruka gives Chavanel an encouraging tap on the butt, Chav’s butt not in the mood to be encouraged.

15k to go, Haussler has enough time to descend like pensioner at the post office and still win. And I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned that Haussler is wearing a white kit in the rain today. Maybe Chav dropped back to save himself the sight of Heinrich’s man crack.

Heinrich has to be careful of the white lines out there – insert obligatory Boonen joke here.

5k to go, Haussler has enough time to choreograph a Fosse style victory celebration – there’d better be some jazz hands.

We have a shot of the Garmin team car, Matt White telling the team about the dicey 180 before the finish.

1k to go, Haussler begins with a soft shoe. He adjusts the regrettable crotch arrow of his Cervelo bib shorts, and bursts into tears at the line.

Haussler takes it – Australia rejoices, Germany digests a sausage in celebration.

Now we just have to wait and watch to see if anyone has a "Levi moment" at the end. And yes, I should be much classier. 

It looks like Thor SMASH may have SMASHed his way to the green jersey.