Stage 13

Yesterday’s stage saw Alberto Contador sending a message that he was coming onto form and that his rivals should take note. He was able to jump away from the GC conga line on the climb and gained ten seconds on the uphill finish to Mende. It was an impressive display of panache and power, and even if it didn’t gain him the stage win, it sent a message—that Berto is not to be taken lightly—and hopefully Alexander Vinokourov got the message loud and clear.

If this stage were earlier in the Tour, it would undoubtedly be a sprint stage; but legs are tiring and perhaps a group will stay away today (are you listening Tommy Voeckler?). Help Tow Cav (HTC) are down one leadout rider and we’ll see what happens.

I was also thinking today about Lance, who honestly, I haven’t thought about in a while, as there’s been nothing to think about. This year’s Tour has seemed very familiar to me, with Lance losing time in the mountains, and shifting his focus to trying to get stage wins. Hmmm, oh that’s it—it’s just like 1995! Back when Lance dropped time in the hills and went on to wins stages after he dropped enough time to not be worried about in the GC. So maybe this year’s Tour is a vintage Armstrong performance, but it’s a 1995 vintage, not a 2005 vintage.

I had a busy family day today, so I was just able to watch the last 2 k of this race, and I don’t have any live snark, but I will say that, following the theme from above, I would be much happier about this stage result if it were 2004 and not 2010—ah, Vino those were the days…

Stage 14

Live Report

It’s a hilly finish today, so let’s get right to it!

75k to go, there’s a nine man break off the front of the race which included Zabriskie, they have 7:16. C’mon Dave!

I fast forward a bit and Z is still working, this may be hopeless, but they are still trying, a situation that reminds me of Nicholas Cage’s career.

Lance talks to Frankie and says that Navarro crashed yesterday, which is a potentially important bit of information. That’s not like Lance.

There will be thousands of tipsy Basque fans on the climbs, the lead motos will need cow catchers to move them out of the way, does it make me a bad person if I get a giggle out of seeing a drunk goofball get run over by a camera moto?

45k to go, I’m going to fast forward to the climb, as there’s only going to be endless shots of men sweating, and that’s not my bag, baby.

42.5k to go, Valls jumps from the pack, in order to showcase his sponsor Footon’s fetish for dressing athletes in low budget Vegas show girl ensembles.

This should go without saying but Thor SMASH is SMASHed off the back.

41k to go, Astana is at the front, trying to steal Andy Schleck’s lunch money.

Zabriskie is dropped from the break.

40k to go, Sastre makes a move off the front of the pack with a teammate, that’s going to shake riders from the race.

Sivtsov joins Sastre and his teammate

37k to go, Phil mentions that CDE leads The Shack by 21 seconds in what is to soon become the most important team’s competition in the history of the Tour.

37k to go, Sivtsov is dropped by Sastre and his teammate, Phil and Paul say it’s Rogers out of habit.

If you’ve got any Lance ads in the can, you’d better get those shown ASAP.

Valls is hanging tough here.

36k to go, VS shows Levi’s pack position with their pointer thingy—they had to email Levi’s mom to get that picture.

Astana is breaking things apart now, Rogers is getting gapped, sadly I can probably cut and paste that phrase for the rest of these Pyrenean stages.

35k to go, Lance is getting dropped by Sastre’s acceleration, "You gotta be kidding me?". Apparently irony loves cancer.

Andy Schleck is slowing, he calls for a fruit roll up from the car.

34k to go, there’s still three guys left from the break at 1:54 ahead of the pack.

Cadel is hanging with the leaders, Navarro is setting the pace to help drop Vino.

32 k to go, three off the front, Valls chasing, Sastre next and Kiryienka rocking his way to Sastre, keeping his neck protected from excess sun.

31k to go, if you had told me two years ago that Cadel Evans would be one of the most inspirational rainbow jerseys of recent memory, I would’ve punched your tiny tiny dog.

30k to go, Charteau jumps to defend polka dot jersey, display big head.

Cunego jumps to gain polka dot jersey points—at what age do we stop calling him "The Little Prince"? Do we need to consult The Fresh Prince in this one?

29k to go, Sastre catching Valls, they show Wiggo struggling, they can put that footage in the can for today’s final climb.

26k to go, Charteau jumps the Little Prince for the polka dots. That sentence sounds like it was taken from Jimi Hendrick’s unfinished children’s book.

25k to go, here comes the descent, good times. VS plays a Jared Leto intro song coming in from commercial, yet I still continue to watch.

19k to go, Andy Schleck hits the top of the climb, radios to have Bjarne tell his mom he’ll ride safe—and to remind her to keep Frank out of his room.

12k to go, Astana on the front on the descent, doing Saxo’s job?

Oh God! That little VS pointer thing is called the "Shack Track"? How did I not know that? The Shack Track points to Contador and expands to show embarrasing nude baby photos of Alberto.

8.4k to go, the race hits the climb. Riblon off the front, Sastre dragging the chase behind, Moreau and Astana on the front.

7.6k to go, Kiryienka getting dropped he pours some water on his mullet and radios the team car to play some Molly Hatchet.

Sastre jumps again, popping the Prince—see how silly that sounds.

7k to go, Navarro ahead of Vino on the climb marking his attacks?

6.8k to go, Cunego dangling behind Sastre on the climb, unable to catch on.

5k to go, Vino attacks! Sun rises! Vino raises the pace, Berto tries to get Andy to come by, but Andy say "No tag backs!", and stays behind him.

5.3k to go, Sastre only 24 seconds ahead of the group, Riblon has two minutes and France’s email address.

5k to go, Vino gigs again and Levi is getting popped, his Road ID mood band switches colors to purple for "slow".

4.6k to go, Vino pulls off, enabling Levi and Gesink to get back on and continue their battle for eight.

4.5k to go, Berto jumps! Schleck follows. They catch Sastre, Menchov is there—where the he’ll did he come from? "Silent Assasin" indeed.

Paul mentions that Berto doesn’t have any teammates left on the climb, but, um neither does anyone else, except the Caisse d’Epargne guys, but right now they are just keeping each other company at the back.

4k to go, Sastre jumps again, getting sick of these kids playing around.

3.7k to go, Levi is back with the Caisse D’we’re-dropped guys.

Cunego getting dropped, Van Den Broeck working to gain time on Levi.

3.4k to go, Bert looks back and jumps, Schleck follows, playing his cards for a time trial show down. Somewhere Razzy is giggling.

3.1k to go, Menchov is with Bert and Schleck, again is Menchov so boring that TV cameras don’t even pick up his image until someone interesting arrives?

2.8k to go, Berto and Schleck play the slow game together and Menchov is riding away. They play around and the group reforms, well except for Levi.

2.5k to go, and Schleck’s running out of mountain.

2.2k to go, Riblon making his waybthrough a corridor of booze breath, gaining contact buzz.

2.1k to go, Berto and Andy playing "I can go slower than you can." Denis Menchov and company move ahead. Gesink pushing for Menchov, will Andy attack if Berto pulls? If this slowness keeps up, Levi will catch back on.

1.9k to go, Menchov attacks! Can you feel the excitement? Yeah, me neither. Paul calls him the "silent killer"—isn’t that colon cancer? Did Paul just call Menchov a diseased colon?

The Shack Track finds Contador, it’s not only a TV graphic, but it’s also a sophisticated weapons sight.

Andy finally moves ahead of Alberto, soon to get jumped.

Remember Riblon? Yeah, he’s winning this stage today. He’s pedaling his bike like an aroused capybara.

1k to go, Riblon can cruise. Menchov and Sanchez battling for the apathy jersey (it’s mauve).

If Riblan wins, the 590 Euro bonus will double the AG2R team budget.

Riblon zips up, crosses the line and puts his hands to his face, tears to soon follow.

Menchov and Sanchez finishing, capitalizing on the Berto/Andy slap fight in the backseat of the minivan, they gain about 15 seconds.

Berto and Andy finish together, Paul says Berto needs to ask himself what he needs to do to win this Tour? Um, he just needs to do what he did today?I.e., stay with Andy and then watch him crumble in the TT?

Levi just finishing, losing about a minute—the race for eighth rages on.