Today is the last day we spend in the trough of non-mountainous sprint stages, and since the racing has been uncontroversial, the French press has taken it upon themselves to create a little bit of controversy to keep things entertaining. Here’s a tidbit from cyclingweekly quoting a story from L’Equipe:

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Stage 11

French sports newspaper L’Equipe ran a short story quoting an unnamed French rider accusing Cavendish of being a racist and of cursing and swearing about France during Monday’s rest day.

And there you have it, an unnamed French rider heard Mark Cavendish swearing (not shocking at all) and being racist. Cavendish responded (again from cyclingweekly):

“It’s a small article by an anonymous writer and with comments from an anonymous rider. I’ve got to take it as a compliment if they’ve got nothing else to write about. They can’t criticise my cycling, so they start this shit.” 

“For sure, I’m going to upset some people because I’m an arsehole, but it isn’t relevant what nationality they are or were they come from. But I didn’t say it and I hope the person who wrote it and said it feels guilty. I’m just going to brush it off.”

Now I’m confused here, is Cavendish racist because he allegedly dislikes the French? Is that actually racist? Isn’t that more nationalistic or jingoistic? The French people aren’t themselves considered a race are they? Wouldn’t they need defining physical characteristics for that to be true? Are berets, a lingering malaise and a penchant for group sex defining physical characteristics? I’m just guessing at those attributes because my knowledge of French people, like my comprehension of most foreign cultures, comes from late night movies on cable pay channels. Needless to say, I will be monitoring Mr. Cavendish for instances of aggression against smelly cheeses or examples of bias against proper personal hygiene.

On another French front, there’s a delightful interview with Bernard Hinault on velonews.com, where he includes this nuanced explanation of tactics:

VeloNews: Astana is controlling the Tour, what should riders do to break the stranglehold?

Bernard Hinault: Attack! It’s necessary to attack. There are not 36 solutions, just attack! I think the four riders who are placed in GC, if the others don’t try to attack them, there is no way to get time on them. But with what is left of the Tour, there are still ways to pressure them; to have some fun.

And what does Bernard think of Lance’s return?

BH: Pfft … I couldn’t care less in the end. It’s not my problem.

And then there’s this gem:

VN: We’re seeing some polemic between Armstrong and Contador, was that similar to you and LeMond in the 1980s?

BH: No, no. There was no polemic between Greg and me. In 1985, I was designated to win the Tour and in 1986, it was his turn. And it happened just like that. What we’re seeing now is that two want to win. It is quite the opposite.

There you have it, there was never a polemic between him and Lemond (we might have to confirm that with Lemond), riders should attack, and Lance’s return earns a "pfft" – Bernard is now my favorite French person, supplanting Juliette Binoche.

Stage 12

I have to tune in late as the kids are sleeping in and the TV in my office would wake them up. Never wake young children prematurely.

At 106k to go, there’s seven guys away including Mr. Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm himself, Franco Pellizotti. I feel that I should start explaining some of my OCD-type keyboard declarations. The reason that I type Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm every time I mention Pellizotti’s Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm name is because he has radiant hair that evokes the styling of a stag film star. That’s all, as with most of my running jokes, it has to do with hair.

Here’s an interview with Thor SMASH, Frankie asks if the green jersey is important to Cav, and Thor SMASH says that of course, it’s important. Let’s run that through the schmalz translator, shall we? "I am having the trouble with the SMASHing right now, I will be using the herring supplements and icy waters to be making the Cavendish into my lady mule again."

84k to go, and the break has 3:49, a break might work today, as there’s some hills out there today. There’s a hill close to the finish, which used to be Cav’s kryptonite, but those days seem to be long past. Thor SMASH did SMASH his way to an uphill sprint win this Tour, so hope can SMASH eternal.

I’ve seen the New Era commercial with the guy walking out to the mound to talk to the Phillies pitcher so many times now that I want the pitcher to take the ball, bean that guy, and then stomp him with his cleats.

We see Popo picking up some water bottles at the team car, he puts Alberto’s bottle into the back of his shorts.

Watching this stage right now is like opening a station on Pandora for "narcolepsy".

Since Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm is away in a break, we get a profile of Pelli’s Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm Cannondale. His crankset helps relieve symptoms of erectile dysfunction. Pow!

74k to go, Phil and Paul mention Greg Lemond, prompting a mild shock from their LiveSTRONG bracelets.

70k to go, we have a profile of an American podium girl. She makes no mention of the dread the girls feel every time Pozzato makes his way to the front of the race.

Ag2r is at the front of the race, doing a good impression of a team that has a chance in this race.

Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawms his way to the top polka dot jersey points.

And in breaking news – the radio-free day scheduled for tomorrow has been revoked. The Hog has prevailed! Naughty sonnets for everyone!

Lance Armstrong has flatted! His personal photographer rushes to document the event. Wheel change made, awareness trumps deflation.

55k to go, we have 7 guys still off the front, and I refuse to type out their names as I anticipate they will not last.

Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawms his way to the top polka dot jersey points again. Is Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm adjusting (meaning lowering) his expectations for this Tour?

The news is that Romain Feillu, the non-stage winning of the Feillu brothers has abandoned the race. His place in the Agritubel tent village will be taken by Moreau’s man bags.

Here’s a Cav interview – he shows no indication of bias against silly floppy hats.

Here’s JV in the booth – Phil is about to stage a sideburn intervention.

Looks like things are speeding up, the field is lined up like Ohioans outside a funnel cake stand.

43k to go, JV still in the booth, giving detailed and nuanced information. VS getting out a big hook to snare him and pull him out of the booth.

Here comes the cat 3 climb, where Pellizotti Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm can show his onions. He can also attack.

Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawms Martinez for the climber’s jersey point again. Martinez is desperate to stay in the polka dot jersey as the Euskaltel "orange ass lozenge" bib shorts are terrifically unflattering.

39k to go, the pack hits the climb but they are staying intact. The chase will begin shortly. JV says that Garmin will help chase, and that Agritubel will help by picking up redeemable bits of copper along the roadway. And yes, I’m on an "Agritubel is poor" thing today.

We cut out to Roll and Hummer, the drop in IQ from JV to Roll is akin to the IQ drop between a porpoise and loamy soil.

35k to go, Fabian drops back with a flat tire and split ends.

JV says that Fabian retrieved Millar’s Garmin unit for him after a crash yesterday. Let me rephrase that – Millar is glad Fabian grabbed his unit. Hee hee!

Here’s Frankie and Lance, oddly those glasses do not take away any points away on the phallometer.

30k to go, 3:35 to the break, they may have a chance.

I’m hoping for the pack to catch the break, so we can hear JV shrieking his support for Tyler in the sprint.

JV says that Garmin is probably waiting for Columbia to start the chase before they join in. So there may be a stand off here – with Columbia unwilling to go to the front, and you know, win another stage…

28k to go, pack at 3:51, we may be robbed of JV booth hysterics. Damn you, Columbia!

It’s going to start getting interesting in the break.

22k to go, and there goes Sorenson, Calzati goes with him, resisting the urge to pick up roadside apples to sell later at the Agritubel farm stand.

The peloton is at 4 minutes, certainly doesn’t look like a sprint finish today.

Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm is forced to chase now, Sorenson and Calzati are working together well.

16k to go, Sorenson and Calzati have 13 seconds, they working together like a lycra clad Shields and Yarnell.

14k to go, Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm still working with the others to bring back those pesky mimes off the front. And would a guest shot by Shields and Yarnell make for the worst Scooby Doo episode of all time? Who would be worse? Liberace? Stalin?

Phil says goodbye to JV in the most masculine way possible by saying that JV will have to get his sponge out to swab down his racers after the stage.

10k to go, Sorenson and Calzati running against the wind at the front of the race.

Sorenson could ride his way into the top 20 today, a stay that will be shorter than a Dick Cheney San Francisco vacation.

6k to go, the group of 5 is getting much closer, looks like the imaginary rope is pulling back the leaders.

This could be Pelli’s Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm big moment.

Sorenson jumps to the 5k to go flag, starting a solo act.

And there it is, the first suitcase of courage of this Tour! Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm only has a man-clutch full of moxie.

Wow – Sorenson is knocking it out right now, he’s got 24 seconds.

3k to go, and Sorenson is holding on like herpes.

Phil announces that Fothen goes as Lefevre attacks.

Sorenson at 1k to go, he’s got this one wrapped up, now he can configure his victory salute. It’s a traditional "slow down, there’s a buffalo carcass ahead in the road" arm gesture.

Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm flaccidly finishes third.

The pack will still ride for the remaining green jersey points, if anyone has to go to the bathroom – there’s time.

Phil announces that the Cervelo team, disguised as Columbia, is leading out Cavendish.

Cav zips around Thor SMASH for the field sprint, surprising no one.

Levi and Cadel crash together near the finish, they both get back on their tiny, tiny bikes.