I am back at my perch in my office and nothing – not familial fertility nor potential spousal alienation – will make me stray from my duties for the duration of the Tour. I thank you all for filling in ably as my e-replacements. See? It’s not so hard to be me! All is takes is a touch of snark, a pinch of gnomish charm and four pounds of shamelessness, wrap that all up with a lack of conscience or regret and you too can comment on the Tour and actually think that anyone gives a rat’s ass.

Preview
Stage 1
Stage 2
Stage 3
Stage 4
Stage 5
Stage 6
Stage 7
Stage 8
Stage 9

Today is stage ten, and we will be entering into the era of "Radio Free Tour-ope". Today’s stage is a rolling, hilly affair, which would usually skew the odds towards a sprint finish, but there’s no telling how tired Columbia is or how they plan on getting their skirts ruffled today. Today is also Bastille Day, which means every Frenchman in the race will be trying to fling himself off the front of the race, so he can unzip his jersey, make dramatic faces etched with agony, and – against all odds – pull out a win. We call this "Voecklering".

It also seems that someone has SMASHed his way into green. Perhaps Columbia will have a little help today in their chasing.

I went over the Tivo tape of Contador’s stage 7 attack, and to me it seems that Contador saw a chance at taking yellow, and he spontaneously went for it. The delightful thing about Contador is that he is impulsive, and he can ride away from the cream of the Tour’s climbing crop at will. This makes for interesting racing, as opposed to the corporate racing style that we’ve seen in the past. And make no mistake, Contador was attacking to show who the real boss of the Astana team is. I imagine he was treated to a steady chorus of "Take it easy, Alberto. Lance is right behind you, Alberto. Too early, Alberto. I think I see that your rear tire is flat, Alberto. Watch out, Alberto! Cougars! Feral cats! Wildfires!" in his earpiece. But the advice had no effect apparently.

Contador’s whizzing all over the Astana fire hydrant notwithstanding, most of the favorites chose to tread water (™ Denis Menchov) in the Pyrenees, except for poor Cadel of course. We saw Cadel repeatedly attacking at the front of the race – because he has to. After the craptacular Silence Lotto TTT, Cadel sits in 18th place at 3:07, if he doesn’t start making up some time soon, he’ll be battling Moreau for 10th place – but who are we kidding? Moreau’s dance with the dixième is long past.

Stage Ten

I tune in and space off the pre-stage show. Phil and Paul do their Lance Armstrong update. They say that Contador was attacking on stage 7 – and so was Lance Armstrong? Do they see the same race we do? I saw Contador attack, forcing Lance to stay put at the least, or even putting Lance into a spot of bother as they say. One thing Lance wasn’t doing was attacking.

They mention that Contador said he wouldn’t attack Lance if Armstrong was off the front in a stage. He also said he would saddle up any minotaurs he saw along the route – which will be about as likely as Lance getting away without Contador

105k to go, we have the obligatory collection of 3 Frenchmen plus a token Russian off the front of the race, they have 1:52, let’s see how the radio-free peloton deals with that.

KAA goes down in a crash, he’s back up and continues to be Norwegian.

Here’s a Hog/Frankie interview – no one likes race radios more than Bruyneel. Why his obsession with radios? What does he say out there? Does he just love having a captive audience for his erotic haikus?

The pack is going slower today, Phil thinks it’s because there’s a mild rider protest – or maybe it’s because they don’t have some fool in their ear going "Get to the front! Try to gap Alberto! Get to the front!’ or
"Nubile youth in bloom
A sweet summer’s day in France
I smile at the sun."

Dumoulin is in the break again, he is the shortest rider in the race, his aggressive riding has been memorable for both its tactical savvy and the delightful visage of the podium girls kissing what seemed to be a 12 year old boy.

Ugh, there was a petition passed around to get the radios back – give it up Hog! Haven’t you heard of self-publishing?

76k to go and we have Columbia, Garmin, Lampre and Liquigas chasing, just like we would on a radio stage.

74k to go, Phil still thinks there’s a mild protest in the peloton about the radios. But I think they are just, you know, racing. They are letting the break dangle, and not burning any extra calories on a flat day.

A Thor SMASH interview! He says he will play a defensive game for the green jersey and he’s not too concerned about not having race radios. I will now translate that interview into schmalz: "I will be the continuing of the SMASHing even with no could voices in my head, now that I have seen the Cavendish is much sized like the things I find in my potty, I will make him go away like the dirty water."

And there’s Antler guy, expressing himself with a subtlety and wit that would make Oscar Wilde punch a plate glass window.

60k to go, KAA is back at the doctor’s car. It’s not looking very good, hopefully he can grunt his way through the stage.

46k to go, and this stage is just as uneventful as any other flat transition stage.

Johan sighs, clears his throat and then says to no one in particular:

"Bloomers fall to Earth
Glistening beads of love sweat
Steep a desire tea"

42k to go, break at 1:39. We’re probably going to see a catch of the break at around 20k or so, what do you suppose the chances of a Voeckler counter attack are? I’m thinking the chances are either "inevitable" or "absolutely certain".

33k to go, break at about a minute, and Phil still thinks there’s a protest, some sort of racing slow down? I’m just not seeing it. It just looks like everyone is taking it easy after the rest day, and getting ready for an inevitable sprint stage.

26k to go, it’s a shirtless Pozzato! Somewhere Toto just pulled up his sleeves and threw his Bovril at the TV screen.

I think there’s a good chance that Chavanel takes a shot today also, especially since he’s got a special French bike and all. It’s made of mayonnaise.

15k to go, the guys in the break suddenly wake up and are at 42 seconds now, but it looks like they are doomed. I have also neglected to mention during this stage how cute Dumoulin’s little bike is.

Lance interview with Frankie, Lance jokes that he will be lost without his race radio and will bring his blackberry. They discuss the seating arrangements on the Astana bus, which is odd because Contador rides on the Caisse d’ Epargne bus.
No movement on the phallometer there, and where is that thing set at right now?

7k to go, 25 seconds for the break, it’s getting to be time for Voeckler’s close up.

Thierry Hupond riding behind Doumoulin, he’d be better off trying catch a draft off a
meerkat.

4k to go the break at 20 seconds. Bruyneel screams something about loins out the Astana team car window.

2k to go, Columbia working, the break looks doomed, France breathes a collective "meh".

Karpets crashes, hits the barriers, and leaves a mullet shaped indentation.

1k to go, Thor SMASH bumps Tyler behind the Columbia lead out, can’t imagine Tyler is going to move Thor SMASH around.

Cav takes the lead at about 300 meters and just stays at the front, Thor SMASHes to second, Farrar third.