Full French Ahead
The tour day schmalz is a platform for a marginally talented cyclist with even less literary acumen to relentlessly mock and belittle the hard working professional cyclists that take part in the Tour de France. This is unfair and unjust, but that’s life. Point in case, Jenny McCarthy, author of books about science-y stuff.
The Contenders
Chris Froome
As last year’s winner of the Le Grand Snoozcle, Froome comes in as this year’s favorite. He’s had an iffy lead up to the Tour, with a crash at the Dauphiné, and he had to huff and puff his way through the Tour of Romandie. His Sky Bots are not riding at full speed and he’ll have to try to win this Tour with the lead singer of a certain Paul Weller tribute band watching the TV and weaving tapestries of curse words so dense they will affect British weather patterns.
Another issue that the Froome Dog will need to deal with is the constant attention of the press, and this won’t be fun press attention either, this will be fit-provoking, Kardashian level attention. This level of scrutiny is brought about by a series of self-inflicted activities. The main problem with Sky 2014 is that they are playing all of the greatest hits from Postal’s 1999 album, "Backdated TUE, Electric Boogaloo". The talk of marginal gains, dodgy TUE submissions and a strong team grinding the élan out of the Tour isn’t necessarily irrefutable evidence of nefarious goings on, but it all sounds sadly familiar.
Alberto Contador
Speaking of familiar, Berto’s returned to his old mountaintop attacking ways. This shouldn’t be news, but it seems like the last time he was prancing up hills and dropping guys, he got sent to bike jail because of a beef sandwich.
His team could be as strong as the Sky Bots (who no longer have the services of Mr Uran Uran, of the hungry wolf fame), and Alberto will do some attacking in the mountains. Also, be sure to follow Saxo Bank oligarch Olev Tinkov’s twitter account and try to guess which tweets are written sober and which are written un-sober.
Vincenzo Nibali
Nibz haz shown the least amount of potential stage race hazing of speed for the Tour, and the Tour isn’t completely downhill this year, so that’ll put him at the mercy of Berto and Froome when the race goes uphill. He will undoubtedly try an attack, and it will be cute, but most probably matter little by the time he gets around to it.
Alejandro Valverde
Valverde’s greatest sporting accomplishment is that he’s somehow convinced both himself and Movistar that he’s a more viable Tour contender than Quintana. This Tour’s paltry 54ks worth of time trial would’ve really worked out in Quintana’s favor, but Valverde’s a (somehow) popular Spanish rider on a Spanish team. I guess Quintana will have to be satisfied with his Giro crown, but if his face actually produced expressions, the one he would display to Valverde would fall somewhere between "What the f*ck?" and "Seriously, what the f*ck?".
Andrew Talansky
Talansky will be riding this Tour without his Dauphiné wingman Ryder Hesjedal, who helped him tug out enough seconds on an audacious break to beat Contador and Froome. Logic dictates that he will need to attack from Spain to get enough time to keep the climbers at bay, but logic would also dictate that I shouldn’t overturn and burn my neighbor Phil’s Dodge Durango should Talansky win, so let’s just suspend logic in this case.
Joaquim Rodriguez
54ks of ITT, this is the phrase that’s been repeating in J Rod’s dreams since the Tour route announcement. If he doesn’t get all Spanish on the cobbles in Arenberg, he has a great shot at success.
Tejay van Idontknowwhathewilldoandneitherdoyou
Tejay will be set loose from the Cadel train, but his form at Dauphiné wasn’t even at a level that would give anyone reason to badger him about his chances at the Tour. He could end up Schleck-ing this Tour, or he could do well (Schleck-ing is a bad thing, FYI). Which brings us to…
The Schlecks
Little known fact, they still race bikes.
The Sprinters
Mark Cavnedish
The Tour starts in England this year, so Cav will be super motivated to win in the early, flat stages. Look for the wreckage from Cav’s British sprints to get strewn about the English countryside.
Marcel Kittel
For people who didn’t know anything about bikes, Kittel was the sprint revelation of last year’s Tour. The rest of us knew that Kittel was like a blond atom bomb waiting for Slim Pickins to saddle it up and drop it like a um, bomb.
Peter Sagan
There will be many opportunities for Sagz to survive a climb and then descend his way to an easy win afterwards. I predict he will eventually enlist back up dancers to enhance his many victory celebrations.
Arnaud Demare
Demare is the French sprinter chosen by his French team over his French teammate Bouhanni. Personally, I prefer to watch Bouhanni’s bowling ball runs to third place in the Tour sprints, but I am not French.
Andre Greipel
The big likable German will win at least one stage. This is as inevitable as the sun rising.
The Fun Bunch
Sylvain Chavanel
Chava is a rider that’s so French that he should be on their currency. Look for Chava to try and steal away the yellow jersey with an audacious attack. It’s what he does, and it will be awesome.
Ted King
The world needs Ted King in the Tour. Hopefully his race will be longer this time. Search out whatever he writes this year and read it to death.
The Polka Dot Jersey
They should switch the red dots on this jersey to beige to reflect how little anyone cares about this competition. Leading the polka dot jersey chase is like winning the Showcase Showdown on The Price is Right, it’s exciting at first, but then you have to work to pay off the taxes.
Over the weekend I rode a climb in the ToCali and recovered eating Wafles and Fried Chicken. YUM!!
I mainly watch the podium ceremony to see what the Badger does. I think he just shoved one of the sponsors. Really.
sardines’, being that “the shark” is from Sicily (Messina).
And now for Sky’s brilliant “Plan B” – oops, wait, there is no plan B, they left their other in-shape, former Tour winner off the Tour team.
pasta con le sarde
One of the best Tour stages I’ve ever seen. Nibs and Astana were incredible. Felt bad for Froome, although not a Sky fan.
NBC Sports TDF coverage has more commercials than the Robin Byrd show.
I used to chat with her on line at the Soup Kitchen International pre Seinfeld “Soup Nazi” episode. Very nice woman. After the Seinfeld effect, she and NYPD were the only ones allowed to jump the line to the front.
How could you not mention Tommy “I sometimes look like Robin Williams” Vockler?
Each year I look forward to see which of our favorite world tour racers will be in their respective national jerseys. The icing on the cake for me, is the creative manner in which some of the teams blend the national jersey colors with the team colors. I will contend that some teams fail miserably at this color medley.
Here are some of the “good jobs”
Sagan’s Luiguigas/Slovakian jersey
Kwiatkowski’s Omega/Polish jersey
Tim Duggan’s Saxo/USA jersey
…to name a few
Here are some of the “fails”
Nabali’s Astana/Italian jersey
Nabali’s Astana/Italian jersey
Nabali’s Astana/Italian jersey
…need I say more
He apparently chased down Hincapie in last year’s Tour in order to show the world that doping is unacceptable. We admire Hincapie but that is one way to show that this is a clean sport from now on!!!
Froome out of Tour!
and they call nibali “the shark”?
http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/us/2014/07/07/erin-pkg-moos-tour-de-france-kiss.cnn.html
begin to parse that last comment. NO idea what it means.
What ever happend to the annual review of NYC racing team kits?
spam for UGG boots
garlic breath?
The random name gen was actually Hugo seat post, but given my quote stature unquote I figured the name change was worthy.
I am astonished at the fact that you failed to mention the great Caven-douche..
lastly, a fact check did not verify that the shellac’d brothers have in fact actually raised but I see that parachute sales are quite high at the ramps leading up to the major climbs.
Dan B
The Tour starts in England this year, so Cav will be super motivated to win in the early, flat stages. Look for the wreckage from Cav’s British sprints to get strewn about the English countryside.
Speaking of Well Organized Gran Fondos, where’s the list of contenders for “most likely to get popped for peds”. Brian Holm has been acquitted from the top of the list.
As strong as 150 proof is, is disagree with the polka dot is the new beige statement. You need class to win that jersey, and climbing is cycling (as is sprinting, break aways, crashing, etc. but this rant is about climbing, so there!) so stayed tuned this year may reveal a new king first, first of his name from humble beginnings.
Sagan will win a stage on a mountain bike
Dan. the last year i told u horner would with the vuelta, and he did.
he is a dark horse. i am saying podium.
or should I consult twittar ?
Backdated TUE, Electric Boogaloo.
Cav: Well rough week in the Tour, eh. Froom must be absolutely gutted to be out of the Tour.
Wiggo: You’re telling me. I’m gutted. There goes me Tour bonus. Uh, well, come on Richie, now.
Cav: Uh, I don’t think you was in line for a Tour bonus, mate.
Wiggo: That’s funny. Ha, I am team Sky.
Cav: So how do you feel about Froome not winning.
Wiggo: Well, I’m feeling the entire spectrum of emotions. The whole gamut of feelings mate.
Cav: So, that mean….?
Wiggo: Well, you know, gutted, then a big chuffed, and mildly gutted. I guess I would feel gutted if I wasn’t so chuffed, mate.
Cav: Well, you always have the Vuelta together, mate.
Wiggo: This is stupid. Chips, mate?
Cav: Darts and chips! And WC on the telly mate.
Would one still consider Cavendish to be the top banana?
Horner said he was going to work for Rui Costa, will we have another leader controversy?
Poka Dot jersey should just be renamed hilly combative jersey.
Maybe if they required the wearer to win at least one of those hilly stages it might be just.
Cav: I’m absolutely gutted to be out of the Tour
Wiggo: You can’t say that, I already said I’m gutted to be out of the Tour. I like this type of slang…its British and slightly edgy and a nice alternative to they way we Brits really speak…you know, slightly effeminate.
Cav: Well, I’m still gettting paid and I’m chuffed about that.
Wiggo: Chuffed as well mate!
worst ever was Ludo Dierckxsens Belgian flag jersey with standard Lampre pink/blue shorts. Whoa – clash city. Or, maybe that was so bad, that it was the coolest ever?
Agreed Ludo’s jersey and bib combo will remain a tragedy. The jersey itself, not bad for the times.
Cav: I’m absolutely gutted to be out of the Tour
Wiggo: You’ve got a posh voice. I like posh voices. S*** me off.
https://vimeo.com/99693331
Clever, Just don’t quit the law to pursue acting…
No, Ludo’s kit was cool. Mixed kits are classic, they say I’m a penny pinching hard man and I’m not shelling coin for another pair of bibs like you lady boyz. Much better than the fancy pants outfits you see today. IMO, Quintana’s Pink TT kit with matching knee high boots was terrible.
I hate sky as much as anyone, but at least they keep their black shorts when they are in the leader’s jerseys.