I’m watching the VS coverage on my parent’s DVR, hoping to sneak some bike racing onto their hard drive before it fills with 9 hour Barrett Jackson auctions and NCIS Everywhere shows.

They’re showing the footage of Horner curled up in the ditch after his crash. It looks like he was knocked out. He was able to get up and finish the race with a concussion and broken nose, how in God’s name did he keep his balance? That’s astonishing! I guess his body just went on auto pilot and instinctively went to the finish? The footage of him being put in the ambulance shows him confused and wondering whether he finished or not. Scary. Let’s hope he heals soon and forgets all the Radio Shack media training.

Speaking of scary, Kolden is now your Radio Shack supreme leader. He opens up the roof of his volcano and helicopters in for today’s stage start.

Today is the first mountain stage, and Contador needs to make up the time he lost playing crash marshal in the early stages. The stage profile today normally would mean a defensive ride from the GC guys with late attacks for the stage win. There’s another hilly stage tomorrow and a rest day after that, so normally we’d expect tomorrow to be the more aggressive day, but Bert needs time like my dad needs to see the purchase price on a 1969 Mach One, so we’ll see if he tries to gain seconds.

The pre-race show is still going, they interview Andy before today’s stage, he says the rain shouldn’t be a factor and that girls are still icky. VS gives us a shot of Phil and Paul in their tiny commentary booth, which I imagine smells like hair dye, halitosis and confusion.

We get to the race and Van Garderen is in a break of about ten. They get to the sprint and Riblon jumps away from the apathetic group, he looks amazed that no one cares–there’s food money at stake! Behind Gilbert beats Rojas for a point, gaining in the green jersey competition, after he makes a throat slitting motion across his neck, indicating he’s tired of leading out Gilbert.

88k to go, the break has over five minutes, but Tejay and Kolobnev will get chased. The roads look damp, but it’s not raining.

83k to go, Andy goes back to the team car to ask if he can play Angry Birds because this stage is boring right now. BMC is chasing, to get Cadel into yellow and to subsequently display their collective team weakness to the world. Here’s a Cadel interview, he tossed water on Cav accidentally yesterday in a fit of pissiness (he thought Cav was just a "person"). It’s good to know he’s still a wiener.

Ok, time to zip ahead, as nothing is going to change for about 40k. Kolobnev gets a mountain point, earning a brown banana for his effort.

63k to go, Cadel goes back to the team car, gets his bike adjusted, radios his DS to remind the mechanic that there should be no eye contact.

P&P are talking up their Brit man crush Geraint Thomas. Remember, you can’t spell "Geraint" without "ain’t", as in "ain’t ready for a top five placing yet.

After an interlude in the restorative waters of the Mississippi (it’s secret is the diesel fuel), I’m back. I scan ahead and not much has happened, Astana has gone to the front to set up a potential move for Vino. In 2004, this would’ve been enjoyable news.

37k to go, Tejay and the Tee-jets are still away, but we’re about to hit the climb. I would say they are about to sing the blues, but the blues are relatively lucrative, I would suggest that some of them are about to sing Goth Bluegrass.

33k to go, Lotto is working for Gilbert, the anti-Griepel. They toss back to the studio crew of Roll, Gogo and the token guy who doesn’t know anything. God is good and has given us fast forward.

31k to go, the Tejettes hit the climb. Tejay attacks, but he’s reeled in. He goes again, that’s good stuff.

30k to go, Costa goes to the front of the break. Tejay and another join him. Behind the race is bubbling like the two cheese hot dogs in my stomach.

29k to go, Tejay attacks, dropping Tony Martin from the HTC hopefuls list. Hoogerland attacks from the bunch, Tejay is killing it at the front. The moto goes back to show Cav, this requires a passport stamp for the moto driver.

I’m enjoying Hoogerland in polka dots. Voecklet is bobbing above up and down behind the Pacheco leaders like a Jack Russell terrier, trying to jump up and get a sausage from a countertop.

26k to go, Tejay is having a great ride up front. They show Fabian in the laughing group, not laughing. Vino attacks the pack, I suppose there’s still some people who like him, employees perhaps.

25k to go, if Vino stays away, he could get yellow. Watch for the ASO VIP car to casually bump him off the mountain. Vino dicks Hoogerland over for a mountain point. Yay, Vino! Here comes the descent. There’s some drips on the camera lens. Hoogerland is back in the pack, Vino dodges the UCI space laser and pushes forward.

17k to go, Tejay is looking good, kind of like a fat Schleck Brother. Flecha is in the Vino group, there’s no mystery as to who I prefer of those two fellows. I would love to see Flecha outfox Vino.

Thor SMASH is hanging in the pack. Gilbert still there.

Tejay goes, Riblon counters. Vino avoids hounds released on the course by Pat McQuaid.

10k to go, the break is attacking their way into Vino’s clutches.

6k to go, they are on a wet Super Besse, which sounds so sophisticated and dirty. Flecha is riding Vino into the ground. Costa is dangling, Tejay is chasing, Contador treading water.

4k to go, Vino only has to catch Costa and avoid the L’Equipe snipers to take the win. Where’s the Leopard spectator?

2k to go, gooooo anyone but Vino!

1k to go, Anker Sorenson hit the front, making a face like he’s backwards urinating a kidney stone, so you know, normal for a Saturday. Tiring of the race to not lose, Gilbert jumps away from everybody Gooooo Phil!

500 meters left and Alberto decides to try and race today. Cadel counters. Out of habit, Andy tapes himself to Berto. I suppose Costa won? It looks like he did. Vino is nowhere to be found, the UCI is even more devious than Kloden! Gilbert second, Thor SMASHes to another day in yellow.