Stage 5 was a crash filled day capped with an astonishing uphill win by Mark Cavendish. I feel I need to pause and say that again—Mark Cavendish won on a hill—a real hill. This is unprecedented and opens a new page in the Cav book of winning. That noise you heard was Cadel, Thor SMASH and Gilbert whimpering at the prospect of Cav not going uphill like a pensioner on a trip to the pharmacy. It is also good that Cav has won a stage, because that means he can loosen up and start speaking his mind, and speaking of speaking…

With this newfound Cavendish gravity gravitas comes the post stage sprinter slap fight. First let’s go to the man himself (from cyclingnews):

"The organisers made it hard for us to have a bunch sprint in the first week of the Tour this year – that’s because we dominated last year and they tried to make a handicap for us so we started on the back foot this year…"

Now that’s some vintage Cavendish! Immediately after taking a win he feels confident enough to take umbrage with the ASO’s route plan, let’s listen further…

"Coming into the last kilometre [former teammate, André] Greipel bashed into me…After the other day, what was I supposed to do?"

Yes! There’s a swipe at Greipel! Cav is really proving that he’s the master of post stage pissiness. I just hope he keeps on winning so we can hear him take some shots at Petacchi’s mom.

In other sprinter slap fight news, Rojas and Boonen got relegated on the intermediate sprint yesterday for scooting Cav towards the edge of the road like a pair of Texas line dancers. Rojas was so peeved he tweeted the following:

"And this is the best race in the world? God I come and see it! Disqualified because they feel like, well, more like Gilbert …"

That’s translated from Spanish (via cyclingnews again), but I’d like to think he’s gone to the Fabian academy to learn to tweet. He later issued a statement that took on Petacchi (again via cyclingnews):

"In the end I was confident, had good legs and was looking for the wheel of Cavendish when Petacchi has given me a strong punch on the side with just over one kilometre to go," Rojas said via statement.

"I could hardly breathe and I was off centre and it is because of this that I have failed to beat Cavendish. Anyway, we’re talking about one of the best sprinters in history and rub shoulders with him is to be satisfied. I’ll take that and continue to have the feelings. I keep proving to people who believe that the green jersey is a mirage that is possible."

Poor Rojas, a Petacchi punch in his quest for the green mirage against Gilbert, the French favorite! Needless to say, I’m tickled at the bickering. But enough with the sprinter soap opera, let’s get to the stage.

Today we’re leaving a wet Brittany and heading into a moist Normandy, a string of words which, if you Google it, result in 10 pages of unspeakable activities.

I tune in today just in time for the intermediate sprint, Garvelo has been tuggin in the rain, and Movistar sets up Cav for the win.

There’s an opportunity for a proper breakaway today, as it’s raining and there’s some hills out there.

87k to go, the post sprint whizz break is done, and the race continues.

Hoogerland is in the break, so that will help make things exciting. His teammate Westra is also there with Roux, Duque and Malori. They have a chance today, but Gilbert has a chance at the win today, as the finish is a kilometer long climb.

I expect Voeckler to take another shot, and we cannot discount the conquering Cadel—it still feels weird to type that.

HTC and Garvelo will be working the front all day today, with Dave Zabriskie playing the role of Bert Grabsch.

81k to go, and Boner heads back to the team car. He decided to start today, but his ride will be like attending a Styx, Dokken and Stryper triple bill at the county fair—he’s in for a day full of pain.

76k to go, the sun has come out, but things haven’t changed much. Just watching for crashes and natural breaks. You have to love cycling—what other sport televises their athletes urinating?

Gesink gets another bike change, what is it with all these guys angrily tossing their bikes aside? Nice "ghost rider"! It’s not the bike’s fault that you fall over.

73k to go, there’s a possibility for some crosswinds.

With Westra in the break, we get the opportunity for some more "Westra’s mom is unimpressed by Westra" jokes. These comments are fiction, by the way, I don’t know Westra’s mom.

71k to go, Hoogie is going for the polka dot jersey today.

70k to go, Hoogerland gets second to Roux on the mountain points, Westra’s mom emails the ASO to get Hoogie relegated for being a puss.

NOTE TO NBC: If I pay $30 for your Tour coverage online, you need to get the "buffering" thing sorted out. I spend as much time watching the frozen screen as I do watching the stage. This is tremendously frustrating. You do realize that there’s about 99 pirate feeds out there, don’t you?

56k to go, Westra attacks, hoping to earn mom’s approval.

54k to go, and we have a nice overhead of some Normans creating a "sky bike". After riding in circles for 2 hours in dirt, they end the most exciting part of their day and return to being Normans.

OK, this buffering is going to crack me today.

48k to go, Fabian goes back to the team car for Aramis and a quick wax.

Paul mention that Fab is losing the Twitter follower battle to Basso, Phil mentions that having birds deliver your messages is animal cruelty.

45k to go, Westra and Malori will really need to work hard to get Westra back into his mom’s will.

The break’s chances of success are about the same as the chances that Casey Anthony gets on "Celebrity Rehab"—it’s 60/40 against.

Paul says that JV is complaining that Garvelo has to do all the chasing, Stapleton just punched his golden television.

36k to go, Chav is not looking good. He’s off the back of the race. That sucks.

28k to go, Contador’s stunt double, Navarro, give him his bike.

The break’s at 1:12, Westra’s mom just willed the silverware to his younger brother.

27k to go, Contador is dropping Navarro, the TV moto rushes up to him to knock him over.

26k to go, uh oh, they’ve shown a TV graphic for "Gruppo Chavanel"—that’s never a good sign.

25k to go, Normandy is wet again. Cue Tommy Voeckler’s attack. I must say I enjoyed his attack through the weeds yesterday.

20k to go, there’s a hill to come somewhere in here before the final 1k climb. Let’s call that "Voeckler’s hill". Paul’s talking soft cheeses—how about a wind/hill report?

18k to go, Malori attacks Westra, Westra sheepishly waves to the camera. Westra’s mom turns off the TV and goes to her garden to bury his graduation photo.

16k to go, dammit! Voeckler has a mechanical. He’s chasing back on. There goes the attacking.

14k to go, Malori riding on the front like Cozy Coupe with three wheels—that one’s for the parents out there.

11k to go, playing the role of Johnny Hoogerland today will be Anthony Roux.

10k to go, Roux gets a letter with adoption proposal papers from Westra’s mom.

9k to go, Malori has a 35 second gap to ignominy. Thos ITT skillz won;t do him much good on the final climb.

6k to go, Lotto at the front for Gilbert, because, duh!

If you had told me two years ago that a battle between Gilbert and Cadel would be a compelling drama, I probably would’ve punched you for being a filthy liar.

4k to go, Levi with a rail grind—that looked painful.

This is going to be a greasy finish.

2.7k to go, yikes that’s an awful corner, Spanairds beware!

HTC at the front, working for Goss?

A lotto jumps, to wear out HTC?

2k to go, Voeckler hits the front!!! Go Tommy!

1.7k to go, he flicks an optimistic elbow—no way that Lotto rider comes through—Gilbert gives really hard noogies.

1.2k to go, Voeckler caught, but well done Tommy.

Gilbert and Thor SMASH are glued together in 6th-ish place.

1k to go, Cadel at the front, Thomas working for the Boas Hoag.

Going towards the line Thor SMASH and Gilbert are right next to one another!

The Hoag has great position behind Thomas. The Hoag goes and Phil for some reason thinks he’s attacking Thomas. That’s a lead out Phil. Looks like someone has a British man crush.

The Hoag gets it.

Kloden attacks Levi. His evil plan is all coming together. Does the Radio Shack kit come with a white persian cat to pet in his lap?