Today’s stage will decide who wins the Tour de France. Because tradition dictates that tomorrow’s stage to Paris be essentially a rolling frat party punctuated with 20k of racing, the penultimate stage of the Tour ends up being the last chance for anything to happen. This year the penultimate stage is the first individual Time Trial of the race. I have many opinions about TTs, most of them about the monotony and tedious nature of watching 4 hours of skinny guys pedaling bikes. But my main issue with the ITT is that it’s boring television—the racers are alone, there’s much less strategy, Johnny Hoogerland cannot attack anyone and there’s no one for Alberto Contador to punch in the face.

It’s possible to compare times from previous stage race TTs and try to get a feeling of who will finish at which time, but it won’t be an accurate projection of what will happen today, none of those races were three weeks long like the Tour, and this Tour has been very aggressive, so you cannot tell who’s tired and who’s not tired. Plus, today Andy will be riding with the strength of the Yellow Pony—he heard the whinnying at the hotel and Nygaard had to tell him about it.

Ok, that’s enough complaining, let’s see what’s happening in the bike race today. I take a look at the internet and I see that Fabian has the fastest time, also in the news, sun rises, Phil calls Nicolas Roche "Stephen" and Nicolas Cage buys the bones of George Reeves (Nicolas Cage is crazy).

Based on this year’s Dauphine results, we can project that Mark Cavendish will finish today’s time trial in "Sunday".

I am tempted to just type "metrosexual European pedaling and sweating" and take the next two hours off.

The UCI should require Razzy and Menchov to ride EVERY ITT, maybe even put them on a tandem.

Fabian is back at the Leopard team bus, breaking down the TT route with Andy using his Tour Playmobil set.

It’s funny, I’ve spent so much time listening to Roll blather on, I feel like we know each other—he’s like my dumb friend who I cannot stand being around.

Andy is making the Playmobil figures "grown up kiss", Jens slaps him and tells him to pay attention.

Hoogie finishes, but people don’t realize he’s not going to stop at the end. He’s going to switch bikes and attack tomorrow’s stage.

Can we just all agree to go with the "Baby Andy" stuff until he turns 30? In my mind, he hasn’t even gone to middle school yet.

It’s really hard to watch the SMASH today.

Today’s most compelling race may be the Euskaltel riders fighting against the time cut.

It seems the dampness has ruined Fab’s time, hair. I think the hair part really upset him.

It seems the key to a proper TT position is to imagine the pose one would use to take the least conformable bowel movement possible and hold it.

It’s taking three cups of coffee to make me care about this, actually that just makes me care about the ompoop™ mmmaiko.

Th UCI commissars just made Karpets illegal—no reason. Admit it, you’d do it if you could.

Tony Martin riding well for brraaaaaiiins! How the hell does Tony Martin let people know when he’s unimpressed?

If I were the Leopards, I’d be playing the 2008 ITT "the Sastre disaster" on a VCR outside Cadel’s bus.

Tony Martin pedaling—such excitement!

The ITT, the compulsory figures of cycling!

Tony Martin posts the new best time, Mr Excitement strikes again! Gnaws arm off his soigneur in celebration.

Does VS have Michele Carmichael commenting high cadences at this Tour?

Things ruined by traffic jams—pizza delivery and this ITT?

Little known fact—Cadel’s "back split" encompasses his entire body.

Roche has a skinsuit with a brown bottom—Andy will have one later.

And that ends the Tour’s contractual obligation to show images of Gesink…

It’s genius. Andy goes first and then everyone else takes off based on their time gap and first guy over the line wins?

Gilbert riding in easy now, thinking of all the different ways he’s going to hit that mechanic.

I’m serious, let’s make this last ITT a handicap race, with no drafting allowed—how fun would that be?

Plus, you could be treated to watching Andy ride while looking over his shoulder ALL DAY! I really wish I ran bikes sometimes.

The only person I want riding with Bob Roll is the French TV car.

Can VS hire Razzy to pre-ride the TT course or something? This is so dull!

Tommy D wakes, bakes and hits the TT course.

Karpets does not have a mullet, he has a "Kentucky Fairing".

The real tragedy of Basso’s Tour is that his sister has been banned from being near bikes.

We are finally getting to the interesting riders.

Andy nudges Frank on the trainers and reminds him to "put on the foil". Old people will get that joke.

Andy pre-rode this course on his Leapster, so he’s totally set.

Another person I want to go on a group ride with the French TV car as a sag wagon—the Five Hour Energy Guy.

Get ready for 55 minutes of Voeckler face!

Hey Leopard, you call that a scarf!? I’ll show YOU a scarf! Cadel channeling Isadora Duncan?

Bert rides his TTs like a dog scraping its butt across the carpet.

Two hours later and the racing starts.

Cadel "Butthim Face" starts.

Frank starts the TT, inevitable demise.

Andy hasn’t shaved this entire tour…

Andy slams the straw into his juice box and he’s off.

Berto’s saddle is subject to more friction that the pole at a gentleman’s club.

Showing Basso now is like showing the punter on the bench at a football game.

Garvelo uses ovally-shaped chainrings, Andy Schleck has heart shaped chainrings.

Cadel’s gained 14 seconds already, Andy might have to ride the last 2Ks with a frowny face.

They show Frank, is that video in slow motion?

If Cadel keeps gaining time like this, Andy will finish today on the top of Alpe d’Huez.

Phil says the box of ghosts (computer) indicates Cadel will win this Tour by 46 seconds.

Cadel is riding like a man who’s TTing against the Schlecks!

The computer says Cadel is 23 seconds away from Andy.

Andy is losing time to Frank, that’s like getting dunked on by Danny DeVito.

Cadel is virtual yellow by 13, remains actual twerp.

Nygaard trying desperately to inspire Andy, radios to tell him that Cadel punched his pony.

Nygaard turns up the Bieber in the team car, holds mic to speaker.

Is Andy playing games with Cadel, taking the ladders before he hits the chutes?

Cadel now in yellow by 4 seconds, shouldn’t his collarbone be exploding about now?

Nygaard has a gun to the yellow pony’s head—this is getting desperate!

At least Andy can be consoled by winning the 2010 Tour in a few weeks.

If Cadel keeps beating up on Andy like this, French Child Protective services will meet him at the finish line.

Tom Danielson is actually from Connecticut, Phil.

More unbridled aggression from Cadel, there will be a big party in the Keebler tree tonight!

Watching the Schlecks on the course is just excruciating. They are going the right direction aren’t they?

Alberto finishes, see you in two years?

Only a French TV car can stop Cadel now.

Even the race computer cannot stand to give Andy’s time gaps.

Cadel is DOMINATING, I had to unlock my keyboard to type that.

The intermediate time clock laughed at Andy—so unprofessional!

Cadel handles the pressure, wins Tour, cat/dog marriage bill passes in canine parliament.

The Schlecks still leaking fastness all over the course.

How is Andy going to face the kids at school this fall?

Andy and Frank will need a Schlecks therapist after this Tour—say that out loud.

Nygaard pulls up, "just get in the car Andy".

Fabs is warming up Andy’s "security planket".

Cadel finishes, ice caps melt, Andy finishes.

Fignon is shedding a tear in bike heaven.