I am back from my trip to Iowa through the deep dark Midwest. While I was there, I noticed a new trend—injecting cheese. There was cheese in places I have never seen before, in side hotdogs, within hamburgers, in root beer. It seems that the lure of cheese is so great that those who need their fix turn to injecting it. I must admit that I succumbed to the yellow demon many times while in Iowa, and it will take a lot of effort to wean myself off the injected stuff. Meanwhile, I will attempt to "de-cheese" my system by watching European television broadcasts and speaking with a fake British accent.

I don’t mean to make anyone panic, but this Tour is almost over. Aside from the excitement provided by Thor SMASH, Gilbert, Cav, Voeckler and Hoogerland, this Tour has been a bit dull, GC-wise. The "contenders" have accepted a state of detente, settling on eyeing each other nervously during each crucial stage. In fact, the only time gaps between the favorites have been brought about by crashes or mishaps. That’s right, gravity has had more of an effect on the GC this year than any attack (other than Voeckler’s) has—that doesn’t make for compelling racing. There are five stages left, one of those is the "parade stage" to Paris and another is the ITT, that leaves three stages for someone to win this race. Today’s stage profile favors a breakaway, so that may leave only two stages for the contenders to get their act together, which means…

Tommy Voeckler could win this Tour. Let that soak in for a moment. He’s been able to stay with the GC favorites as they stare at each other’s keysters going up the climbs; Contador is obviously off his game; and the Schlecks wouldn’t know an attack if it came into their hotel room and knocked over their Jenga tower. Voeckler has been the only racer attacking the GC, and he’s wearing yellow because of it. He is riding "with panache" as the French like to say, and he only has to survive a few more mountains and the time trial (that’s where cadel might get him) to pull off the impossible. But it’s not just me who thinks Voeckler can survive to win, Flecha also thinks that Voeckler has a shot. (from cyclingnews):

"It won’t surprise me if he wins. After what he did on Plateau de Beille, he’s capable of it. His team is looking good as well.

"He’s had a fantastic season, winning more than any of the other GC contenders… that gives him a lot of tranquility, and he’s got nothing to lose. Already in 2004, he showed that it was difficult to get rid of him, and now he’s more mature. So why not?"

Why not indeed? If Voeckler were to pull this off, he would become the most popular French rider of the last 25 years. He has nothing to lose. Somewhere Roger Walkowiak is laughing.

Today’s stage has breakaway written all over it, and I imagine that Jérémy Roy will try everything short of stabbing to try and get into a break today. And if Voeckler gets into a move today—he deserves to win the damn Tour.

108k to go, Millar takes a shot at the front, he’s been taking SMASH lessons?

Speaking of SMASH, how awkward must it be for the Garvelo guys now that Thor’s SMASHing around for a new contract? "Nice win, Thor SMASH (yes, even Thor’s SMASH teammates have to use the SMASH). Why are you tossing out resumes from the podium?"

105k to go, and we are watching the best part of the race right now. Millar joined by Flecha and (shocker) Roy is there. As is Chavanel—go Chav!

Thank God I’m watching the NBC internet feed right now, as I’m sure VS is going to a commercial about a squirrel proof moonshine still.

102k to go, Roy is by himself now. Have I mentioned that he REALLY wants to get into a break?

100k to go, and the break has been reshuffled more than a prison UNO deck. This early footage is fascinating, and is really what they should replay during the boring part of the stage in a split screen. This really shows what the team strategies are. FDJ, for instance, are willing to ride until their hearts explode to get into the early move.

97k to go, Duque gets knocked out of the split at the front, earning him a day of torturous pedaling at the back of the race.

94k to go, Roy is Hoogerlanding the front of this race.

92k to go, Tejay looks like he’s harshing the mellow of the guys at the front.

Another attack! This is delightful!

89k to go, another FDJ goes. Is this a Roy set up? FDJ is racing like they have to earn the payment on the team bus.

Westra goes, allowing me to revive the "Westra’s mom is grumpy" jokes. Westra’s mom places a bet on Roy to win today.

86k to go, if it weren’t for French TV and their bowling ball driving style, today would totally be a Hoogerland day. Ryder gets to the front of the split and gets a gap. Hoogie only needs to loosen his bandages at the finale, bleed all over the road and knock everyone else down, but I’m getting ahead of myself here.

83k to go, the race is splitting up, Ryder is joined by ROY and HOOGERLAND!! It look pretty desperate up there.

Roche and Ryder are talking into their nipples. Roche radios back to have the French TV car give Gadret his bottles (PS, I know he dropped out, I will still make those jokes—I am committed).

Thor SMASH is off the back, perhaps a mechanical or he’s really really tired from the mountain SMASHing.

78k to go, the break goes through the feedzone. The attacks to establish this break have been a highlight of the year’s Tour for me.

Ryder and Kreuziger have a discussion at the front and ride away together.

Sky is chasing to get the break back, the FDJ rider (Jeannesson) is in contention for the white jersey.

75k to go, Hoogie goes to the front and gives the break the "shove it up your ass" hand signal! Or he was waving at the French TV cameras.

74k to go, the break is caught. Bite me Sky. God shows his disapproval by sending rain.

69k to go, I think Roy should send Jeannesson back for water bottles.

68k to go, Boass Hoag goes. This race is nuts today.

65k to go, Roy is STILL working the front. He’s the type of guy who asks a girls out about 45 times before she says yes.

62k to go, Thor SMASH is up there with Boasson Hagen, time for a Norwegian double team?

The way this stage is going they will finish in 15 minutes.

58k to go, it looks like the break has been determined, they have 50 seconds. That last 40k was a lot of fun. Hoogerland is out, Roy is in and Tony Martin made it.

Here comes the part of the race where nothing happens.

50k to go, we may have a rematch of Roy and Thor SMASH. They show Voeckler, the resemblance to Robin Williams is exaggerated by his rain jacket—it has rainbow suspenders. If you get that reference, you are old.

48k to go, here comes the green jersey sprint, let’s see who wants a room upgrade!

In theory, Tony Martin should try to take these points. That’s hard to write with a straight face.

44k to go, Devenyns takes the intermediate sprint, Quick Step gets sorbet tonight!

43k to go, there’s three chasers. Is there anything more disheartening than being the guy chasing in Dumoulin’s draft?

42k to go, and the peloton has a costume change. Wet is the new black.

40k to go, we get an overhead shot of no one giving a crap about the two remaining sprint places at the intermediate sprint.

38k to go, so will this be Thor SMASH for Ryder or Ryder for Thor SMASH? Thor SMASH may be tipping his hand as he asks Boasson Hagen if they have herring in the Sky team bus buffet.

32k to go, there’s wet Norwegians at the front, something about that seems dirty.

Little known fact—Alberto’s yellow glasses serve as a "Watch out! I may crash" warning system for the other riders.

28k to go, and Dumoulin has disappeared from the chase. Perhaps he’s just behind one of the other riders?

Ten Dam is back at the car having his mullet looked at. The race doctor assures him that the party remains in the back.

23k to go, this descent is going to be treacherous. Time to cover Alberto in bubble wrap.

21k to go, Ignatiev is trying to out gravity Thor SMASH on the descent, silly Ignatiev!

Here comes the climb, things are going to get interesting. Boass Hoag did help Thor SMASH get the rainbow jersey, just sayin…

19k to go, Ignatiev has a gap on the way to Gap. Does anyone actually like Katusha? They’re like the Oakland Raiders of bikes—only less likable…

17k togo, BMC goes to the front of the pack, to preserve Cadel for another day.

This race will come down to the descent. Ryder at the front, working for Thor SMASH—does he need a job also?

16k to go, if the group is together at the top, Roy will have to toss a roadside Frenchman into Thor’s SMASH spokes to win this stage.

14k to go, Bert attacks. Is he racing?! Fabs is bringing Andy and Frank across, Voeckler catches on.

Andy jumps, gets no gap whatsoever. The group is back together now.

13k to go, Ryder is off the front alone now, looking good.

Holy crap is that one of Berto’s TEAMMATES?!

Voeckler can probably out descend all these guys by the way…

Tommy Danielson jumps

Bert jumps with Voeckler on his tail. Frank behind Voeckler.

Cadel gets up to Alberto, Voeckler getting gapped. Sanchez up with Berto. This descent is going to be very interesting. Can Voeckler make up the distance to Alberto?

If Cadel tries to stay with Sanchez on the descent, I predict awful things happening.

8k to go, Thor SMASHes up to Ryder they are on the descent with Boass Hoag. It’s a Norway sandwich!

Look for Voeckler to drop the Schlecks like hot garbage on the descent.

5k to go, Ryder attacks Thor SMASH.

Cadel, Bert and Sanchez at the peak. It’s Sanchez time!

3k to go, Cadel gaps Sanchez on descent, cats and dogs currently spooning all over the world.

Andy off the back of the pack, radios ahead for mommy.

2.5k to go, Thor SMASH heads to the front now.

2k to go, yay bikes!

Voeckler at the front descending out of Spaniard’s way.

Cadel dropping Sanchez on a descent—not a typo.

1k to go, Thor SMASH setting up the SMASH.

The Hoag is completely screwed.

The SMASH just a formality now. Thor SMASHes to victory. Radios his contract demand for herring mousse at all finishes to Europcar.

Cadel dropping Sanchez and Alberto!

Voeckler is putting time into Andy Schleck.

Cadel gains about five seconds on Berto at the finish. That’s not so significant.

Voeckler finishes and keeps yellow. France dreams for another day.