I tune in today from my remote office in Iowa, I’m fortified with sausage (known to my mother as "polish sausage" and to the rest of the world as kielbasa) and I’m ready to watch some Europeans sweat across France.

I’m zipping past the NBC Versus pre-game because I know bicycles have two wheels and I realize that Bob Roll is as informative as the lump of Polish meat that’s about to clog my colon. 

They say there’s some guys away, and oddly don’t mention who they are–I’m sure there’s at least one Frenchman involved. They show the intermediate sprint (hint–those are really important this year), and Tyler takes it. That shows me he’s probably going for green, and it shows me that Thor SMASH is looking for another team.

Greipel crashes, Cav takes a nature break on his wounds.

It’s 22 minutes into the broadcast (I taped the eight o clock show) and we get to see some racing. There’s three away with a gap of about 1:30 to their inevitable demise. VS decides not to name names.

36 k to go, Thor SMASH takes a natural break, which means he digs a new shipping canal with his spray.

Lotto at the front for Gilbert. It’s hard to imagine a stage more suited to Gilbert. Voeckler will take a shot also. Cadel could also do well, but taking yellow would be the tactical equivalent of putting on a condom before the appetizer appears–a bit premature, and terribly optimistic.

Finally! They name the guys in the break. Granted, it is hopeless, but these guys have mothers. It’s Roy, Quemeneur and Westra. Roy’s mom is overjoyed, Westra’s mom is non-plussed. The Dutch are ball busters.

I for one am really glad they did away with the prologue this year. I cannot conceive of a duller way to begin the Tour, other than a Levi interview. Does it make me a bad American if I find him a bit twerpy?

Jens at the team car, turning the water in the bottles into wine, Andy gets a Shirley Temple of course.

21 k to go, This break is dangling like the most revolting bits of Larry King in the steam room.

Westra’s mom is taunting the peloton, saying that she could catch her son on a recumbent.

I must admit I am eagerly awaiting Gilbert’s upcoming attack.

20k to go and there’s Didi the Devil. He couldn’t be bothered to get to the hill? Does he have somewhere else he has to be? Is there a symposium for crazy guys in smelly costumes that he’s giving the keynote address at?

There’s the handshake, it’s all over. I’m still waiting for the end of the break "full frontal body hug".

Wow, just when you thought an award was wrapped up! The Road ID Hincapie spot just sprinted ahead of the Sidi shoe pasta spot as the crappiest 30 seconds in bikes! And they say it couldn’t be done! This spot, if repeated endlessly over three weeks could put the record out of reach.

Chavanel looks fantastic in the tri-colore. He or Voeckler should wear it every year. 

In other news, Lance is coming to ride RAGBRAI (our trips sadly do not overlap), as they have no history of drug testing.

Eurocar killing it, Gadret in distress, Roche guns it at the front. 

I’m glad that Michelob Ultra is officially categorized by the FDA as "unpalatable swill" otherwise seeing Lance in the spot could put me off beer.

10 k to go, there’s a big old pile up! Someone winged a spectator. Paul says it might be Vino, I’m not sure, but it’s definitely an Astana. The rule as always, never turn your back on Vino!

The race is on to screw the guys caught behind the crash. It might be delightful if Alberto’s caught behind and Andy’s up front.

The accident seems to not have caught anyone interesting yet.

BMC at the front, pulling for Cadel and racing to lose all their riders by stage 15.

Bert got caught out!! Andy’s birthday candle wish came true!! Look for Andy to win this stage on a Pegasus.

Popo at the front pushing the pace and enjoying his last few weeks of freedom.

Alberto is behind by 31 seconds, can they wait 8 more seconds? I prefer my poetic justice to be perfect.

Well this is unexpectedly exciting.

Thor SMASH is near the front, he’s better in an uphill finish than you’d think.

2k to go, this is fantastic! Leopard’s best teammate just became the guy who got bounced into the ditch.

Another crash! How are they going to figure the 3k rule? If it were up to the Spanish Federation, Contador gets the win today.

A Katusha jumps, Gilbert perched in third like a metrosexual mountain lion.

The Katusha is caught, Gilbert’s teammate looks back. Gilbert lifts his chin as if to say, "Ok, it’s almost time to win."

Vino hits the front, the front will shortly hit back. Voeckler on Vino, Gilbert on cruise control.

FABIAN JUST JUMPED!! Thank you bikes!!

Gilbert jumps on him, and wins the stage like the cold blooded assassin he is. Cadel second. The "screw Alberto" clock gets started.

Andy and Wiggo finish with Alberto? Why did no one notice this?! Holy crap, Cadel just gained a minute on everybody! His tenth roadside teammate deserves a glass of champagne at the team table tonight.

Somewhere Alex Zulle is laughing. Westra’s mom just texted Gilbert a bosom shot.