Bereft of ideas
Toto was away for the weekend and got back late last night, and there’s nothing going on except for a Colorado mountain bike race and the run up to the, ugh Vuelta. So we are throwing the drum sticks out to the crowd, in fact we’re inviting you up to play the solo to "Moby Dick". We need a premise for toto today, an idea, a hypothesis – anything. Please help, the cycling world isn’t going to make fun of itself.
Yeah, we suck.
Possible plotlines:
Contador was actually at Snowmass but was left at the hotel.
Lance and Levi drop in on The Shack’s Netogether.
Vino designs jerseys.
toto finds his predilection for ham has left him a little, err, “top heavy.” he heads to his look haberdashery, where uccisore abejorro tries to fit him for a bro
look=local
although – come to think of it – i guess look might as well start specialising in men’s undergarments at this point
fail
fail
fall
tall
toll
tool
trol(l)
1.) “Colorado State Champion found with Excessive amounts of Viagra”
-or-
2.) “Radio Shack files for Chapter 7”
my 2c
with apologies to harold ramis
IN FEBRUARY, AT THE TOUR OF CALIFORNIA, IN THE RAIN:
The peloton rides into its third day of rain. Lance begins to rethink his unretirement.
Lance: I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank pina coladas. At sunset we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn’t I get that day over and over and over?
Horner: I peg you as a “glass is half-empty” kind of guy. Am I right?
Armstrong looks around and sees the cold, miserable suffering on the faces of his fellow cyclists.
Lance: Guys, let me ask you a question. What if there were no tomorrow?
Landis: No tomorrow? That would mean there were no consequences. There would be no hangovers. We could do whatever we wanted.
Landis skids off into the dirt, pushing some domestic-based cyclists into a row of mailboxes.
Hamilton: If we wanted to hit mailboxes we would let Hincapie ride at the front.
Michael Rogers: Do you want to puke here, or in the car?
Hincapie: I think, both.
Lance: It’s the same thing your whole life: clean up your room, stand up straight, pick up your feet. Take it like a man, be nice to your sister. don’t mix beer and wine, ever…..don’t drive over railroad tracks.
Boonen: Lance, that’s one I happen to agree with.
Lance: I’m not going to live by their rules anymore!
(The French drug testers come)
Lance: Let me handle this. Three cheeseburgers, two large fries. Two chocolate shakes. One large coke.
Leipheimer: And some flapjacks!
in an effort to get back at Lance and his cronies…El Pistolero hits at what dearest to Lance’s Shack Crowd…Twitter.
AS THE TOTO TURNS by samuel beckett
Toto has a pizza folded like a sandwich, and lets one rip.
Dave Z. enters frame. “Sorry about the gas, guys.”
Levi: “I thought I stepped on a duck. Odessa has rescued twenty ducks since I broke my wrist.”
“They break my falls.”
Enter Vaughters w/ full ascot a-flare. “The nose from this Pernod should mask the odor.”
Uncorking sound.
[Curtain]
waiting for to-to
What about adventures of Toto hitting on peloton wives?
floundernation and ws divisive break out in a slapfight; squigilante steps in to break it up, catches a stray punch, and gets knocked out cold; toto hops out of the bushes, squeezes fresh lemon on the squigilante, and tries to throw him on the grill
Since Chicken, Vino, Landis and Basso are all returning this year, how about a Former Doper’s Support Group. Vino attacks, Landis denies ever having doped and Rassmussen cannot be trusted to remain in his assigned seat.
with apologies to Bukowski
Landis:
If you want to know who your friends are, get yourself a doping sentence.
Tyler:
Show me a man who is perpetually clean , and 8 times out of 9 I’ll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities.
Cadel:
The whole EPO, HGH, testosterone, Coke, Pot Belge, crowd suffers from the “Watchtower” itch: you gotta be with us, man, or you’re out, you’re dead. This pitch is a continual and seeming MUST with those who use the stuff. It’s no wonder they keep getting busted.
Basso:
Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horror show. The earth swarms with them.
Lance:
You begin saving the world by saving one man at a time; all else is grandiose romanticism or politics.
Vino:
Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.
Lance: I felt great during the race but i realized my rear brake caliper was unclipped so whenever i stopped i was launched over my handlebars.
Contador: dont look at me, the only time i’ve ever done that was when i sensed levi was a threat to my tour victory.
YO GINA WHERE ARE THE PICKS FROM LAST SAT PP RACE????????????????
LETS TALK ABOUT ME me me me me mem mem me mem eme m me m em me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me mee
ME me me me me mem mem me mem eme m me m em me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me meeME me me me me mem mem me mem eme m me m em me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me mee
ME me me me me mem mem me mem eme m me m em me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me mee
ME me me me me mem mem me mem eme m me m em me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me mee
ME me me me me mem mem me mem eme m me m em me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me meeME me me me me mem mem me mem eme m me m em me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me mee
ME me me me me mem mem me mem eme m me m em me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me mee
http://tinyurl.com/qodqdn
Spaniard Mikel Astarloza, 11th in the Tour de France, has been provisionally suspended following a positive out-of-competition test for the banned blood booster EPO.
More StoriesContador turns down new Astana deal
Video: Astaloza caught doping
“Earlier today, the UCI advised Spanish rider Mikel Astarloza that he has been provisionally suspended,” the International Cycling Union said in a statement.
“The decision to provisionally suspend Mr Astarloza was made in response to a report from the WADA accredited laboratory in Madrid indicating an Adverse Analytical Finding of Recombinant EPO in a urine sample collected from him at an out-of-competition test on 26 June 2009.”
If the B sample is also positive, Astarloza, who rides for the Euskaltel Euskadi team, will face a two-year suspension. Astarloza, 29, won the 16th stage of this year’s Tour, a mountainous trek from Martigny, Switzerland, to Bourg St Maurice.
His best achievements have included victory in the Tour Down Under in 2003 and ninth place overall in last year’s Tour de France.
“The provisional suspension remains in force until a hearing panel convened by the Spanish Cycling Federation determines whether Mr Astarloza has committed an anti-doping rule violation under Article 21 of the UCI Anti-Doping Rules,” the UCI statement further read.
“The hearing panel will make a decision on an applicable sanction for Mr Astarloza including his disqualification from any events, in which he competed following the collection of the sample on 26 June.”
Euskaltel Euskadi’s chief sports director Igor Gonzalez de Galdeano confirmed they would ask for Astarloza’s B sample to be tested.
“The team’s internal testing system does not show any anomalies, and he says he’s totally innocent, so until the contrary can be proven, he has our full support,” Gonzalez de Galdeano told Reuters in Spain.
He added that the Euskaltel Euskadi team had no intention of withdrawing from Saturday’s Clasica San Sebastian race.
I really liked the suggestion for a Groundhog Day TOTO. This one:
with apologies to harold ramis
IN FEBRUARY, AT THE TOUR OF CALIFORNIA, IN THE RAIN:
The peloton rides into its third day of rain. Lance begins to rethink his unretirement.
Lance: I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank pina coladas. At sunset we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn’t I get that day over and over and over?
Horner: I peg you as a “glass is half-empty” kind of guy. Am I right?
Armstrong looks around and sees the cold, miserable suffering on the faces of his fellow cyclists.
Lance: Guys, let me ask you a question. What if there were no tomorrow?
Landis: No tomorrow? That would mean there were no consequences. There would be no hangovers. We could do whatever we wanted.
Landis skids off into the dirt, pushing some domestic-based cyclists into a row of mailboxes.
Hamilton: If we wanted to hit mailboxes we would let Hincapie ride at the front.
Michael Rogers: Do you want to puke here, or in the car?
Hincapie: I think, both.
Lance: It’s the same thing your whole life: clean up your room, stand up straight, pick up your feet. Take it like a man, be nice to your sister. don’t mix beer and wine, ever…..don’t drive over railroad tracks.
Boonen: Lance, that’s one I happen to agree with.
Lance: I’m not going to live by their rules anymore!
(The French drug testers come)
Lance: Let me handle this. Three cheeseburgers, two large fries. Two chocolate shakes. One large coke.
Leipheimer: And some flapjacks!
Is it me or does anyone find it odd that Vino shows up after 2 years of no racing and kills it to win the TT?!?
yes, it’s you
I am sure its just me…
It doesn’t seem at all suspicious considering how his other cohorts have done squat since returning from their bans, right? Landis, Basso and Hamilton all had stellar returns to the sport after their years away from top level racing, didn’t they?
While searching for used medical supplies in the garbage down the street from the Armstrong compound in Texas, a French reporter discovers secret video from the back of the Astana Team bus. LA towers (sic) over AC, his hand pressing into his neck, as he yells, “I’m the fuckin’ MONEY you hear THAT!†Behind him in dark suits stand two very large members of the top secret enforcement arm of the Lance Armstrong foundation. Just barely in view, mostly obscured in the background Bottle jumps up and down screeching, “Kick him the balls, Lance! Kick him in the balls!â€
…walks into a bar in new york n’ sez, “hey…you gotta proscutto a-sand-a-wich, per favore“…
…bartender sez “…the fuck youse talkin’ about ???”…
…“er, ahhh…’am, ‘am, mister bar-a-tender, you a know, ‘AM…like a-from a piggy, you know what i’m a-sayin’…i’m a like a ‘am a-sand-a-wich, per favore, eh ???”…
…”pally, youse are in the wrong part ‘a town for whatever the fuck youse is lookin’ for…n’ by da way, watcher mouf, dipshit…we got ladies in the house !!!”…
**************************************************************************
…hey, what ???…ain’t no freakin’ joke here, folks…this is a simple chronicle…toto commesso was in town & hungry…nothin’ funny about that, right ???…
…just sayin’…love, bgw…
I can’t believe you guys haven’t caught wind of the Levi/Lance falling out taking place AS WE TYPE on twitter!!! Supposedly Levi doesn’t want to go to Radiocrap and he’s complaining that Lance is being classless by using all his domestiques to try to set a race record at Leadville. It’s all quite impressive. Levi is fighting back. I think this development deserves a feature in the Toto plotline!!
…that bottle is, as the english say, “showing some bottle” ???…
…& while mr armstrong is in, i’m sure, “kick ass shape”, i’d never write off the always impressive mr wiens…i’d imagine he is also in “kick ass shape” knowing full well that mr armstrong was not exactly “vacationing” in france recently…
…i’m sure it’ll be interesting…
armstrong wants leadville real bad. he never got beyond loosing to dave wiens last year. at 10 miles wiens gave armstrong “the look” and he didn’t like it
http://www.bikerumor.com/2009/07/20/armstrong-wiens-both-training-in-the-alps/
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Okar0FNwfv4/SO42JylqlrI/AAAAAAAAA8U/0xwZbmyUglc/s1600-h/Leadville+100.jpg
I do believe in fairies, I do! I do!
He has recruited a mountain bike militia to beat Dave Wiens in this year’s Leadville race.
http://www.velonews.com/article/96578/armstrong-hopes-a-strong-leadville-field-delivers-him-to-a
Tinker Juarez and Travis Brown. Seriously, it is bizarre that he is so obsessed in winning an endurance mountain bike race. I suspect that he may possibly not take losing a race very well.
Also, nice dig on Levi. Translation: Thanks for not wanting to join my team.
It is nutty how obsessed LA is about this race.
Unfortunately, a few of best MTB racers will at the Kenda Cup in Windham NY this weekend. Geoff Kabush, Adam Craig, Todd Wells to name a few.
https://www.usacycling.org/myusac/index.php?pagename=mypage
Pls vote for Mike Fraysse
This from Velo Snooze today-
Kohl levels more allegations
Former Gerolsteiner rider Bernard Kohl said Friday that scientists working in laboratories accredited by the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) were bribed by his former manager, the alleged head of a doping network.
Austrian Stefan Matschiner, who managed the careers of several top Austrian athletes including Kohl, is accused of organising an elaborate doping network which helped top athletes in Europe to cheat by using performance-enhancing drugs and methods.
Kohl was revealed as a drugs cheat and banned for two years shortly after his astonishing third place finish in last year’s Tour de France where he also won the coveted polka dot jersey as the race’s “King of the Mountains.â€
Matschiner, who has already admitted to performing blood transfusions for Kohl, claimed in a recent interview with German television ARD that he was able to corrupt employees at several WADA-accredited laboratories based in central Europe.
The public prosecutor’s office in Vienna responded by demanding he be brought to a new hearing.
Now retired from the sport, Kohl appeared to back up those revelations when he said Matschiner paid just 150 to 500 Euros a time to laboratory employees for the testing of samples so that his athletes could avoid being caught by anti-doping tests.
“Matschiner would have our samples analyzed so we could find out exactly how far we could go (with drugs) without being caught,” Kohl told the Kurier newspaper.
Click link for full article:
http://velonews.com/article/96641/kohl-levels-more-allegations
…that some a’ the folks on this site are more obsessed w/ what they “think” is going on about leadville than what “actually is” going on out there…
…all those twitter digs are just that, “twitter digs”…levi rides for loveshack next season & he n’ the boss are messin’ around w/ each other…& ya, maybe next year levi rides leadville & kicks everybody’s ass…
…& you don’t think livestrong doesn’t have massive respect for wiensy ???…ya, he wants to beat him ‘cuz wiensy is not only the kick-ass #1 leadville killer but the guy is also 45yrs old…lance sees that & knows he’ himself has a few serious years left…
…ever heard of a guy named poulidor…
…lot more “real respect” amongst the pros than some a’ you obsess-ers will allow for…