It’s reports like the following that have convinced me that my decision to retire from writing reports about all my races is a good one. The un-reported race reports have been piling up in my imaginary in-box, causing me distress because I cannot leave a contract (even if it’s with the voices in my head) unfulfilled.

I feel this distress even though I know that almost no one cares if I get these reports done in a timely fashion. This is pure lunacy on my part of course—but nothing fuels a bike racer more than lunacy.

I have done three races since last recording the tales of my personal glory. In all of those races I appeared nowhere near the front of the race. My athletic efforts as of late have been waylaid by a head cold— a phrase which sends chills down the spines of bike racers everywhere. You see, we bike racers need to be in near perfect health in order to even hope to meaningfully participate in bike races. Have a cold? You’ll get dropped. Have the runs? Dropped. Feel bad after listening to a Smiths song? Guaranteed dropping. Any minor or major medical malady means slowness, because we bike racers run on health, and when our health isn’t optimal, we’re at a disadvantage.  

FBF opening night May 1, 2018

It was good to be back racing on Tuesdays at FBF. And this was a feeling shared by many other racers—because there were over 70 racers in the 1/2/3 field at FBF on Tuesday. The sparse wind portended a sprint, but Baris A of Foundation got away by himself and held off the charging pack for an impressive win. There was a field sprint behind, and even though this race occurred before my stuffy head, my chances in a field sprint are akin to the world seeing a Cosby Show reboot in 2019.

Zach Koop Memorial Crit at Orchard Beach Masters Race

I was not feeing well but I did this race anyway, because this race is a memorial race for Zach Koop, a racer who I still miss. Our races and lives are diminished with his absence. Zach was one of my favorite people to race with—he was fast, but also wasn’t a racer that needed to make you lose in order to win, if that makes sense. 

I raced in a very un-Koopian manner, missing the race split and rolling in somewhere mid-field. Constantine S of Veselka won because that’s the sort of thing he does quite often.

FBF May 8, 2015

My head cold is abating by now, so the best treatment is to fling myself back into extreme efforts. The obvious idiocy of this sentiment was rewarded with another mid-pack finish after having no effect whatsoever on the race. I will choose to take this as a positive sign though, because we bike racers are—and forever will be—morons.