This week, Mmmaiko the QQQueen of Style (QQQoS™), looks back at the Rock Racing kit. Photos courtesy Euskadi team website.

Euskaltel-Euskadi’s 17 year existence, the team watershed moment wasn’t one of their many victories–including Sammy Sanchez’s Olympic gold medal–but it was during the 2010 Tour de France when Matty Lloyd quipped the crash-prone squad were “bleeding carrots.” The statement was a Eureka! moment that elevated a group of climbing engines with lots of T’s and X’s in their names to a cycling meme. Every minor Euskaltel tumble would henceforth elicit the “CARROT DOWN!” siren. The carrot became the new Menchov. Depending on how you see it, a new star or a new punching bag was born, a branding success.

For a decade, Euskaltel-Euskadi has been the guy with a closet full of same outfits: carrot orange jersey, dark shorts, crash, get up, repeat. Sometimes, the jersey had white squiggles or lighter cantaloupe orange panels. At other times, the shorts were navy, not black. But how many ways can you skin a carrot? Okay, not a good question for a team with such affinity for lying down on tarmac. How long can a team pull on the same kit without losing the spark of excitement? (Check my interview with Ted King, King of Style™, in which he confirms a good kit boosts rider morale.) As much as I enjoy carrot jokes, I wonder if it’s time for a Euskaltel-Euskadi makeover? I’m fantasizing a scenario in which Euskaltel hires a precocious Basque Brad Wiggins (Bratx Wxigginx?) who insists on sleeveless Ikurriña jerseys made to look like the punk Union Jack muscle shirt. I would absolutely savor that kind of bombast from a low-key team like Euskaltel.

My main bone of contention in the Euskaltel-Euskadi kit is the shorts. Black shorts are the safest style choice one can make–we’ve all seen that “why cyclists should wear black shorts” photo, right?–but that’s not my peeve. The devilish details of the Euskaltel shorts undermine the black bibs’ safety. First, there’s a semicircle of orange with the team name, which creates a trompe l’oeil effect of exposed flesh from sagging shorts. When I see a Euskaltel rider from the back, I have an undeniable urge to grab the shorts and yank them up. Are trick sag-pants and constant crashing part of their overall strategy, Operation Benny Hill, to distract other teams and create opportunities with slapstick?

As we mourn the demise of Leopard-Trek’s 0 (underscore O) logo cat anus shorts, may I draw your attention to the Euskaltel * (asterisk)? The strategically placed Ikurriña on the butt makes for a constantly clenched ersatz asshole. No wonder these guys are so crashy! Lance say “RELAX.” When you wanna crash don’t do it. Unclench!! I know Euskaltel is pretty much a Basque national team, but wearing your flag over the ass seems rather rude. Much like masturbation killing kittens, does farting through the Basque flag make a carrot crash? Sorry, Basque fart jokes are absolutely childish and Ewwskaltel-Ewwskadi.

Where can I take this kit review after the nadir of fart jokes and bad team name puns? Let us consider the professional cycling apex of the Olympic gold medal. As much as I like Sammy Sanchez, I need to hit him hard with style real talk. What’s the smartass quip that’s the opposite of “too soon”? Whatever it may be, that’s what Sammy needs to hear. It’s been 3 years since Beijing–why you gotta be Goldfinger of cycling with gold helmet, gold shoes, and gold bar tape? Immediately following the gold medal win, fine, get gold everything, wear gold grills, and eat gold leaf capsules to shit gold. But after three years, with the next Olympics on the horizon? Listen to Coco Chanel, who said to take off one accessory when leaving the house. Be a classy braggart and pick one gold accessory, then win again in 2012 if you want the Goldfinger kit and caboodle.

Sammy and I also need to discuss his Tour de France polka dot shorts faux pas. When Sammy became KOM, he made the important decision every Tour classification leader makes: what shorts to pair with the leader’s jersey. He took a style risk, matching his shorts to the maillot à pois rouges. I commend Sammy for putting up with the jeering that comes with head-to-toe polka dots. But I had “Oh no, Euskadidn’t!!!” moments when Sammy repeatedly showed up to the KOM podium in the orange Euskaltel jersey and polka dot shorts. Look, it can be a bitch to get out of sweaty bibs and into fresh ones in a ramshackle green room while choking down a Fanta, getting wiped down, and doing an interview, but orange plus red-and-white polka dot is an eye-stabbing combo. Plus, you look like you forgot your pants and showed up to podium in your polka dot drawers! I’m serious, Sammy, put me on your speed dial for your next podium style consult.

As much as Euskaltel-Euskadi serves as my punchline punching bag, and as much as I think their kit could use freshening up, they are a dependable constant in a ebb and flow of transfers, mergers and radical kit redesigns. Vino may retire and unretire. The team with the prettiest hair may merge with the baldest team. Tommeke may have a hole in his nutsack. But Euskaltel-Euskadi will always be the crashing carrots with names that are a mouthful of T’s and X’s. They are the security planket for the jittery cycling fan’s broken heart, repaired many times over with Kinesio Tape. I take comfort in this thought, and if I may borrow from Johnny from the Outsiders: “Stay orange, Carrot Boy. Stay orange.”