Well, the Tour is over, and this year’s Tour will come down to one burning question – did Pippo get a nice, even tan during his three weeks in France? Well, maybe that’s two questions – the second one being: did Sastre win the Tour, or did Cadel lose it? It’s probably a little insulting to Sastre to say that he came into the win because another rider wasn’t able to rise to the occasion, but this is Cadel we are talking about here. The rider who decided to try and defend his way to the overall title instead of riding aggressively and putting the race to his rivals. Granted Cadel did have a flimsy team in comparison to CSC, Popovych didn’t turn out to be the super-domestique that Silence Lotto had planned on and the rest of the team raced as if they were faces on the sides of milk cartons for the trip through France. And the decision to bring along Robbie McEwen as a pint-sized stage-win insurance plan was about as sound the decision to load William Shatner up on LSD and let him loose on the Beatle’s song catalog, “Hey. Mister. Tambourine. Man. Slap. That. Moto. Driver. For. Me”

But maybe it came down to that well worn notion about the yellow jersey giving its bearer wings – like Red Bull or saving a tanked-up Jimmie Stewart from flinging himself into icy waters on Christmas Eve. Maybe fortune favored Carlos because he had the stones to jump away on Alpe d’Huez instead of retracting his head into his shoulders like an Aussie turtle and hoping that the time lost wouldn’t be too much to overcome in the race of truth. Cadel put extra pressure on himself and his ability to win time back on the time trial, and that plan went horribly wrong. Really wrong – like letting a ferret drive your moped. Everyone knows that ferrets love to burn rubber!

Which bring us to today’s final stage. Basketball has its “buzzer beaters,” football has its “two-minute warning,” and the Tour has it’s “largely ceremonial last stage that never decides the final GC (even if the race is close) as it’s tradition to not attack until they hit Paris – when no attacks by GC riders would matter anyway.” Tour fever! Try and understand it!

I tune in and Hummer (heehee), Roll and Johan are discussing Carlos’ Tour and whether he can defend his title next year. Um, maybe? If Astana is off double secret probation next year, and can come back to ride the Tour, they might be able to use Contador’s hill explosiveness to counteract Sastre’s climbing ability. And they have a team that is as strong as CSC. Can you hear that little squeaking noise? That’s the sound of Cadel’s chances to win the Tour ending.

Since today is a sprint stage, I would imagine that Robbie will have to try and justify his existence on Earth, his team will be crispy fried, but he’s never really needed a big leadout anyway. Oscar might be tired from defending the green jersey, and as much as I would like to see Zabel place somewhere other than second, I think today may be a day for the SMASHing of the Thor.

We go to live coverage and it’ll be 142k of photo-ops and champagne sipping. This is a day made for Toto to be in the Tour, as he would have his sleeves rolled up and he would be hamming (a pun very much intended) it up for the camera relentlessly. Is there any way we can just let him ride every last stage of the Tour? This pace is brutal.

Hey! There’s a shot of Freire taking a whiz! Hurray, the day is saved!

Two Cofidis guys are trading helmets with the moto drivers, Cadel immediately comes back and slaps them.

The Cofidis guys go to the front and wave at the motos in a manner suspiciously similar to Cadel’s antics – can we just reward the stage win to them right now? That is world class.

There’s Fabian and Sastre chatting – I would also love to see a last kilo attack from Fabian today. Mmm, man crush.

Lord, how can you watch this stage without Tivo?!

I jump to a Kohl interview – he could be the dental successor to Michael Boogerd.

I am scanning through the footage now like a park cop – on the lookout for pissing and boozing.

Now that they’ve got a bike that’s won the Tour, will Cervelo make even more insufferably douchy ads? Is that even possible?

Here’s an Andy Schleck interview. He’s all teeth, ears and neck, and he’s very likeable. I just want to playfully shove him into a locker.

Uh oh, here’s a Cadel interview. He says he’s not disappointed and then, very strangely, his body guard deftly flicks something off his cheek – a bitter tear of anguish?

Jens talking to another rider, the water in the rider’s bottle turns to wine.

117k to go, Sastre has the champagne, he gives it over to Andy Schleck who takes a sip and starts bragging about how he, totally, made it to second base with a girl from Niagara Falls.

There’s a shot of Thor SMASH! He hasn’t shaved today, so I suppose he’s hoping to get lucky today.

We get two camera angles of Bjarne pouring champagne for Carlos. Fabian comes up for a glass and asks if there will be a drug test – nice.

Fabian gets a water bottle full of champagne, um, maybe he won’t be doing that last moment attack.

He taps glasses with Pippo, asks him when he got here.

Robbie interview, Frankie asks about Cadel complaining about the team’s strength. He answers that, “The best guy wins the race.”  And I’m supposing that would not be Cadel.

VDV interview – one stupid crash. Dammit.

Mmmm, here’s one last look at the SAAB repetition commercial that will be shown on a loop on the TV in hell.

Here’s a profile of the Garmin sougnier and what she puts in the musettes. Here is where I would say that Toto’s musette would be filled with brisket, but he’s not in the Tour – damn you ASO!

53k to go, I had to Tivo to Paris. Stuey is leading the peloton into Paris.

The action starts and we have Frenchmen jumping off the front. Why should today be unlike any other?

Today we have basically seen a long old club ride followed by a crit. Are we in the US somewhere?

I wonder if Ciolek has a shot today? Hmm, those old guys will be out for blood, as Cavendish-free stages will present a great opportunity.

I do love it when the racers ride the gutter on the Champs.

We have two Spaniards off the front, they would have no chance here.

39k to go, more racers join them, LL Sanchez up there, returning back to Cali, as it were.

Cadel attacks – bwa ha ha ha ha! Just kidding! He only attacks motos.

The move is brought back like a pacifier made of asbestos.

34k to go, Vogondy attacks again, as he is French. Barredo gets up to him! Could Barredo lose another two-up sprint!? I giggle just thinking about the potential for another bar banging fit. And how dirty does that sound?

26k to go. They have 20 seconds on the field. We have a last shot of the hostage booth of Phil and Paul, soon they will be liberated.

Vogondy and Barredo coming back like parachute pants – you wait, it’ll happen.

Shouldn’t Pippo try to hump the leg of the race soon?

22k to go, the group is back together.

20k to go, Schumacher jumps off the front a little with a few others.

Seriously, when did Schumacher become a great time trialer?

I must say that side angle camera of the final sprint is just great.  Hopefully it’ll catch a Thor SMASH win again and, of course, Pippo’s subsequent tears.

15k to go, still a lot of hopelessness taking shots at the front.

It looks like CSC is still working at the front. Maybe Fabian has sobered up and wants to take a shot?

13k to go, three riders off the front, sharing the despair at 7 seconds.

9k to go, Stuey and Jens chasing at the front, destroying hopes like a boozed up guidance councilor.

8.2k to go. The race is back together. Columbia is moving up to the front.

1 lap to go – Cadel attacks! I know, I know, no one is buying it…

7.3k to go, Gerard takes a shot off the front – way to be French!

The race hits the bell.

6.5k to go, Gerard setting up the race for pointlessness.

Rabobank gets up to the front. Oscar is feeling good, I suppose.

Ha! Gerard set things up for Gilbert! Go baby!

Lotto at the front. Hoping to get plan B the win.

4k to go, Gilbert just dangling off the front like bovine orbs. Maybe Fabian can counter this move? C’mon Fabian!

3.5k to go, we have a cluster snuggle up front.

Chavanel attacks, well, why the hell not?

Quick Step chasing to get a good view of Gert blowing the sprint.

2.1k to go, Jens has snapped his seat post. Somewhere a cock crows.

Garmin brings Chavanel back, Thor SMASH sitting near the front.

1.6k to go, Oscar is up there also.

1k to go, Julian Dean would definitely be a surprise winner here. Millar at the front, working for Dean. Steegmans three riders back. That’s seems like where he might stay.

Here we go, about 600 meters to go.

Nice camera angle! I love that side angle shot.

Steegmans goes! Ciolek head banging up the right! He’s closing with Freire.

Steegmans takes it! No way did I see that coming!

Tom Boonen yelps and wakes his cell mate.

Sastre wins the Tour.